I like to see successful outcomes, Country. The longer he waits to at least START implementing some of these very basic first steps, the less chance he's going to have.
Let's face it, there are VERY few (any, currently?) success stories around here. That's not a knock on DB/DR, it's simply because most people's marriages are already deep in crisis -- and often involve infidelity -- by the time people land here to try to get help. When you argue with the advice that you get, and instead try to go with your "gut" -- when your gut instincts are usually what landed your marriage in the soup to begin with -- you're only making it harder on yourself.
So that's part of it. The other part is STYLE; I know mine can be brusque. It's not for everyone, and maybe others can help him more, by explaining it better or differently.
I mentioned the bills thing because she gets very stressed about them since she is not home. I used to control and take care of everything but with her closing the accounts, I don't have the access to the funds that I used to. She read my message and never responded. Could be because she had just landed and is getting her bags and stuff. Could be because I overwhelmed her. Feel kind of like I took a step back in a sense but I was trying to address some of her concerns and give her a little comfort...maybe I just laid it on too thick...or maybe I'm completely over analyzing. I'm not sure.
Most likely, she sees this as coming across as "pursuing," "pressure," and "holier-than-thou." Not that that's FAIR, but I guaran-damn-tee you that she's perceiving it that way. STOP SMOTHERING HER.
Starsky
So me not being the one to reach out to HER since last Thursday (I know that's not "long" but it's a start for me) and this being the only real thing I've said that is "pursuing" since then is me smothering her? Hell she's been the one reaching out to me...I think this is just the first time I've actually responded in that kind of detail...and that's why I posted it here...to see if what I perceived could've been my flaw in a moment of "weakness" was in fact something that I need to avoid going forward...or even to establish how I can potentially gain some ground back from this course of action that I took.
I was thinking mostly of your late-nite text exchange with her three days ago, mgm.
Sorry, but I don't think yer gettin' it so far, mgm. Maybe someone else can try to explain it better, but your wife needs to see some AUTHENTICITY from you, some "Middle ground" between her perceived bad-marital-you and this new "Nice Passive Guy" that she's suddenly seeing.
mgm,
You have turned from a frog into a prince. With no middle ground here. Would YOU trust the bully who had gone from beating you up and taking your lunch money every day to the guy carrying your books and wanting you to come over and play the xbox with him?
She doesn't trust you.
Sad to say its, easy to make a change, easier to say you have, and far far far harder to live them out.
Point in fact, I don't believe you have changed yet, despite your desire, not until time has passed, not until you no longer call this a change, but instead this is who mgm is now.
Something like that Starsky?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I didn't see myself as arguing...I was just trying to understand where the blasting came from. I can handle style...I've been dog cussed by coaches for the majority of my life so that doesn't bother me.
Jack,
I guess that's maybe where I miss some of this...when you talk about frog to prince are we talking in her perception? Because I was NOT the bully...I had some very common flaws and I have focused intently on improving upon them but I didn't force all of this...sure I contributed along the way as anyone does but I didn't make her decide to do what she has done.
That being said, I understand what you are all saying and I truly respect it. I don't believe in too late so if I'm guilty of retaining hope then so be it. But I am becoming a better person and man each and every day. I'm finding myself in ways I hadn't been able to before. I just use this place as a sounding board of sorts and to communicate with people who have been there. That being said, I'm human. So if Starsky or any of you feel like I'm a "waste of time" in a sense because I haven't done everything to the T the way I'm "supposed" to do it, I fully understand and respect that. I say that with no tone or anger or disrespect...but as much as I'm searching for guidance I am my own man and will ultimately have to make decisions on my own. I sometimes just like to talk through them, before or after, to be able to see vantage points that I maybe hadn't considered.
Maybe I'm early in my marathon but it doesn't make the intensity any less just because I haven't been "in it" as long as some.
mid 20s Tgther 7 yrs W EA 04/12/11 PA 04/23/11 W filed 05/11/11 I moved out 08/05/11 Mediation mid Oct 11 D final Dec 11 Now what? ...2012
And since I like to pat myself on the back, I'll quote something I just said. TBH, it is actually based on the quote from Bworl I posted here in Newcomers recently.
Everyone starts right away in this process claiming "I've changed!"
And in a since they have. But what it is they are scared shitless.
This fear causes them to say different things. Act differently. Think differently.
So, it is "change" in it's basic sense.
But this is not the change we are going for.
The goal is real change.
Life long, self improved, change.
This does unfortunately take some time.
That is why now is not the time to "show her you changed"
Although that's what everyone seems to want to do.
What your showing now is the "fear based change"
She WILL SEE the real change when it happens.
And you will not feel the need to show it to her.
Peace
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
The bully was an analogy. Used so you could draw an example between her not trusting your immediate changes.
You are very literal. : )
What happened to you to give you that...martyr complex thing. The "whole waste of time". I guarentee no one here said that. That came from you. Its almost a defense mechanism.
No one gets it to a T. Too much conflicting ideas and to be honest, you could do everything perfectly by the book and all that does is gives you a chance, not a guarenteee.
If my tone, in anyway comes across as aggresive? Or mean-spirited? Or anything like that...that simply is not the case. Challenging? God I hope so. But it serves no purpose to get you so upset you don't want to be here.
I WANT you and your wife to find out that your marriage is worth it and can become something so much better than either of you have every thought possible.
So does Starsky.
The early defintion of success, they one you want when you first come here? The people who made it through and are married? That's Starsky as well.
However, I view Starsky as a success NOT because he is married. But because he grew strong from this, he rebuilt himself into a better, father, friend, husband, brother, and son.
We cannot fix other people. We can however fix ourself.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Sorry, but I don't think yer gettin' it so far, mgm. Maybe someone else can try to explain it better, but your wife needs to see some AUTHENTICITY from you, some "Middle ground" between her perceived bad-marital-you and this new "Nice Passive Guy" that she's suddenly seeing.
mgm,
You have turned from a frog into a prince. With no middle ground here. Would YOU trust the bully who had gone from beating you up and taking your lunch money every day to the guy carrying your books and wanting you to come over and play the xbox with him?
She doesn't trust you.
Sad to say its, easy to make a change, easier to say you have, and far far far harder to live them out.
Point in fact, I don't believe you have changed yet, despite your desire, not until time has passed, not until you no longer call this a change, but instead this is who mgm is now.
Something like that Starsky?
As usual, you said it waaayyy better than I did, Jack.
