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#2170370 - 07/22/11 01:13 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
By the way, I've been entrenched in sandi2's stuff. And WOW what parallels I could draw with what she went through and my wife.

I really wish my wife could read some of it. It's an eye opener. But there' no way in Hell, Michigan I would put it under her nose right now.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2170381 - 07/22/11 01:35 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: tpc1977]
Mach1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 3692
Originally Posted By: tpc1977

I really wish my wife could read some of it. It's an eye opener. But there' no way in Hell, Michigan I would put it under her nose right now.


Nope....


You are the one here, you are the one who "gets" to do the work.....


Later, you will see , that the "get" to is exactly correct...

What she has given you is truly a gift, and in time, it will feel that way to you as well...

It's all about perspective my friend...

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#2170430 - 07/22/11 02:49 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: tpc1977]
MHL Offline
Member

Registered: 09/20/09
Posts: 1349
Originally Posted By: tpc1977
By the way, I've been entrenched in sandi2's stuff. And WOW what parallels I could draw with what she went through and my wife.


Another cautionary note.......

You are going to start to remember events in your marriage where you may have said something, or done something or otherwise been a complete a$$ and start to "see" things from her perspective.

There might be a tendency, or at least there was for me, to apologize for every thing I could think of that I ever did or didn't do in my marriage. Don't do it unless she brings up a specific event and then you can say.....

I now understand how that made you feel, it has taken me a long time to come to this realization. I am sorry I acted/said that and I know I hurt you and I am sorry.

Short and simple, again less is more.

Rather than "tell" her of your revalations and how you are going to change......show her. Actions speak louder than words.

TPC, the light is going to come on for you very quickly and you may want to share this bit of news with your partner in life.........and why wouldn't you......up until this point in your life, this is going to be the biggest thing that has ever happened to you.

This is YOUR journey........come here, share with us......share with your W by becoming the MAN she can not resist.

Cheers
_________________________
Formerly known as "missherlove"

Me43 XW43
M17 T19
S10 D14

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.

~Jim Morrison

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#2170439 - 07/22/11 03:19 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: MHL]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
Like you said, MHL, I did do that at first. I've since stopped telling her I was sorry for every little thing in the past. If she brings it up, I listen intently, tell her I'm very sorry, and move on.

I still have a long, hard, tough, bumpy, narrow road ahead. But you guys are making the trip worth it.

I've learned so much here and continue to learn every day. Just from last night and today I feel like I've had a full college course on woman and infidelity.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2170670 - 07/23/11 01:46 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: tpc1977]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
I have a dilemma:

My wife is out of town and since then she has been wanting to start sexting on our phones. I'm not afraid to do that. I mean, I wouldn't mind flirting with her any time. To me, she's still the most beautiful woman I know. She turns me on in so many ways. And I tell her constantly - always have.

But, it's what she used (or still does for all I know) with the other man. I don't want to be him. I want to be someone totally different. Yet, I want to be someone that interests her.

What should I do? Should I tell her how I feel? Which I'm afraid will totally squelch what we have going right now.

I've been texting her every morning, when I get up to train, with a romantic text and letting her know that she's always on my mind. She's been really opening up to me because of them. She's even told me she loves and missing me really bad.

Yesterday I tried a little but I couldn't open up really. I tried to show (or text) how gentle and loving I wanted to be with her. How softly and lovingly I want to kiss her. I wanted to be more passionate than just dirty. Eventually we would have gotten there, maybe. But a friend showed up last night and we talked til 11pm. Plus, I didn't want her to be on the phone while she should be with her family and the kids.

She's really addicted to this stuff. And I don't know how to approach it. Today, just a few minutes ago, I could tell something was on her mind but I didn't want to pry. Instead, we said our "goodbyes" and got off the phone. A few minutes later I asked if she wanted me to start "kissing" her again - where I left off last night. No response yet. Which isn't bad. There on a boat off the coast and probably occupied.

What do you guys think?
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2170673 - 07/23/11 02:22 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: tpc1977]
Bworl Offline
Member

Registered: 11/12/06
Posts: 2895
Loc: North Carolina
Questions instead of answers, sorry...


If she had not done that with the OM, would you be hesitant still?

Are you afraid your wife is being odd? Is it possible that the affair opened her up sexually?


I'm not sure how you feel about this, but my thoughts run this way.


As long as it's not a turn-off for me, this is something she wants to do WITH ME. That can't be a bad thing, right?


Affairs are horrible, we all agree. But good can come from bad. Can you live with benefiting from her being more open or more aggressive sexually because of what happened?


I think I would enjoy being the object of her attention.



If you're uncomfortable, then ease away from it.



Blessings,

Bill
_________________________
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."

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#2170700 - 07/23/11 03:58 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: Bworl]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
I'm only uncomfortable because I know where it stemmed from.

She is different now in the bedroom. Not complaining because of how great it is sometimes. It's just strange on occasion. She's started talking about different things that we've never brought up before.

I guess I'm just dealing with a whole new woman.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2170766 - 07/23/11 10:16 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: tpc1977]
Bworl Offline
Member

Registered: 11/12/06
Posts: 2895
Loc: North Carolina
I understand that it's tough.

Something that you have to come to grips with, I think.

I'm no expert, and my thoughts come mostly from reading and observations of threads on this site, but I do believe that when a person goes through a life crisis, they emerge changed.

Some changes are good. Some maybe not so good.

Infidelity is a tough one. You need to work hard on dealing with that issue and being sure that you are both forgiving for real, and dealing with related issues, like this greater openness about sexual things.


I'll repeat what I said earlier. If your wife makes the choice to return and rebuild your marriage, and the final result is a new life together, I think you can accept being the one she shares this new openness with.


You just have to deal with the baggage correctly along the way.



Don't let this become the fly in the ointment as it relates to the work that you've been doing. Stay strong.


Strength and honor.


Blessings,

Bill
_________________________
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."

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#2170811 - 07/24/11 08:13 AM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: Bworl]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
Thanks, Bworl.

Some of this is just really trying to cope with this new life I've been tossed into. I think guys settle into things. We don't like change so much. And in the past 7 months I've gone through some radical changes within myself and within my marriage. Not to mention seeing some radical changes in my wife.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Journaling here:

I haven't trained outside in a week or so and the temperatures are just ungodly. After almost 100 miles all I could do was soft pedal home. On the main road toward my house there is a steep, two-step, hill that I have to climb. On days like this, where I'm practically crawling, I'll count the pedal strokes just to keep going until I crest the hill.

It makes me think of the situation I'm in with my marriage. There are days where I want to quit and I'm just crawling. I've been hit from several different directions. Whether it comes from my wife's indifference, our finances, my lack of motivation, my faith - or lack there of, or bad days on the saddle. Those are the days I need to just count the pedal strokes. Count each minute as a successful journey.

"You've made it through that minute. Now get through the whole hour. Keep going. Keep pushing."

The Tour de France is a long, long journey of about 2200 miles. It last 23 days, with just two days off (21 stages). And even those two days, the racers usually ride for 4 hours so their legs won't become "dead wood" on the next stage. The man with the least cumulative time wins.

It's about making the right decisions, knowing when to attack, knowing when to wait, sitting in and recovering. It's about teammates. It's about rest. It's about eating right and proper hydration. It's a huge mental game where your body is telling you to give up but your mind and heart are yelling something completely different.

There have been men who have crashed, broken collarbones, and still finished the race. These men were known to grind down their teeth to fight the pain while still pedaling for miles and miles. Why? I believe some of us are programed to keep going no matter what. No matter the odds we want to fight to see the finish line - whether we win or lose. And sometimes it's not a good thing.

My friend emailed me the other day. He knows my situation. We've been friends for 30 years now. Good friends. One day his wife just up and left him. To him, no real warning. Nothing. She was just tired of it and left. He later told me in that email that he wished he was more like me; willing to fight. He complained that he gave up too easily in just about everything he did. He just let her go without so much as a squabble. He listed a half dozen things that he gave up on in his life. He was not a fighter, or so he thought.

I wrote back and told him that sometimes I wish I was more like him. Not giving up is a curse sometimes. I've hurt myself because I wouldn't give up - or at least take a break. When I say that I need to do something, I do it whether or not I really should. I've lost sleep, hurt my body, stressed my mind, broken my spirit because I don't know when to ease up. I don't know when to rest.

Yesterday, in the heat, I should have shortened my training ride because, in reality, I didn't need it. I needed more rest than miles. Mental stress is a major factor in training and it should really be considered in everything I do. But I stayed out longer than I should. Last night and this morning I'm paying for it. My legs hurt and cramp when I step the wrong way.

Guess what? I'm getting back on the bike because I have races in about 2 weeks. Sheesh.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2170973 - 07/24/11 08:31 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: tpc1977]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
I've had a pretty rough day today. Just mentally wretched.

I'm a youth at heart, I suppose. And because of it I listen to loud music sometimes. It drowns out a lot of the noise in my head so to speak. One song in particular, when I get to feeling like this, really helps me cope. Though, lyrically, it would seem that it would be more damaging than good. But I feel better after listening to it.

The Becoming
Nine Inch Nails

"I beat my machine it's a part of me it's inside of me
I'm stuck in this dream it's changing me i am becoming
The me that you know had some second thoughts
He's covered with scabs and he is broken and sore
The me that you know doesn't come around much
That part of me isn't here anymore
All pain disappears it's the nature of my circuitry
Drowns out all i hear there's no escape from this my new consciousness
That me that you know used to have feelings
But the blood has stopped pumping and he's left to decay
The me that you know is now made up of wires
And even when i'm right with you i'm so far away
I can try to get away but i've strapped myself in
I can try to scratch away the sound in my ears
I can see it killing away all my bad parts
I don't want to listen but it's all too clear "


I went over to my parents this evening for a family cookout. It didn't seem right since my wife and kids weren't there. They are still in Florida on vacation. But my father was in one of his ugly moods. That is, until he went out back and rolled himself one. Then he was tolerable. But it was still uncomfortable.

My father and I have always had a horrible relationship. He was abusive physically to an extent but mostly verbally. We cannot connect now. I know he sees me completely different now that I'm a grown man and seem to have my crap together. Little does he know though, huh? None of my family know what's going on in my marriage.

Anyway, after his walk out back and partaking in his medicine, he came back and sat down next to me. He told me he knew I didn't like him. That I hated him and he understood. But he wanted to tell me that he loved me and was proud of me. The only times he's ever told me he loved me or was proud of me was when he was stoned or drunk. So I don't take it too seriously. After that the evening was a bit uncomfortable. I managed to stay as long as I could and told my mother I loved her, said goodbye to my siblings, and walked. My mother knew something was wrong but she didn't pry.

My mood was off. I miss my wife and kids terribly. I'm completely insecure right now and have no clue what my wife is up to down in Florida. Or what she will want to do when she gets back. My prayers are that she will hold to her word that she wants to go to counseling and that everything between her and the other man is over.

I don't know. All I know is that I need to get it together before they get back. I bought them a "Welcome Home" cake and wrote them each a heartfelt letter.

Right now I'm beat, overwhelmed, and really feel like I need a good cry. "Big boys don't cry."
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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