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#2170030 - 07/21/11 05:23 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: MHL]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
Thanks again. The post was extremely helpful and I understand completely what you have stated.

It's quite motivating to say the least. So much so, I almost started crying a bit. (The part about God).

Not cool though when you're at work. Ha.

I needed this today. Big time.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2170086 - 07/21/11 07:54 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: MHL]
MHL Offline
Member

Registered: 09/21/09
Posts: 1349
Hey TPC,

I wanted to continue my thoughts around how to deal with YOUR feelings around your W's contact with the OM.

We are men and we are typically very "action" oriented and putting something in place that would prevent her from doing something would really help you deal with your feelings......but in a very "external" kinda of way.

meaning.....

as long as there is no external action (contact with OM) you do not experience the feelings.

Your first inclination will be to have that discussion I outlined in my previous post so you will no longer have to experience those feelings........this would be a huge mistake.

I only presented it to answer your question......once your W is really committed to working on the M would that approach work.

The trick is to deal with your feelings or actually change your feelings by changing how you view your W's actions. This is part of real detachment.

This where you should read up on some of Sandi2 posts, she explains a woman's feelings quite well.

And like it or not your children are now involved also. Your W now knows that she is not only being "watched" by you but also by at least one of your daughters. This equals pressure.

Pressure is not good.

Also it instills fear in your daughter, she is scared that her parents are going to split. She is on the look out. I hate to kind of lump more sh!t on you but you got to be able to take in the full picture to modify your behavior moving forward.

This all gets easier when the changes in you happen for real and you don't have to actively think about it.......this will take a long time too........TIME is the constant here and it takes a lot of it....for YOU....for YOUR W......for YOUR Marriage and even for YOUR KIDS.

As you read things here, my hope is that your HOPE is renewed....

however.....wih that renewed HOPE needs to be Patience that is HEAVENLY sent. That should be your prayer.........THINK OF THINGS IN HIS TIME.........I mean really........Weeks not days.....Months not Weeks......Years not Months.

YOUR kids are next on the list and I speak from experience here......handle this wrong and you can cause some serious damage.

My daughter does see nor speak with her mother at all and recently spent 10 days in the hospital because of thoughts of suicide.

Like it or not you are on display right now and your kids are watching you and your W. Show them God's true unconditional Love, Show them that you understand "for better or for worse"
Show them unwavering strength, be their ROCK. It sounds like you are doing this.....Bravo!!


Originally Posted By: tpc1977
And that brings up issue two. I am in so much pain in my neck and back from it. I don't have any insurance. We hardly have any money right now and the health clinic wants me to get x-rays and at CT Scan. I found out it's going to cost me $1500. So that's out of the question. I'm an athlete so I know about stretching and yoga and many relaxation techniques but nothing is working. I pop ibuprofen all day to no avail. The stress from all this is sitting right directly on the back of my head. It's killing me.

That's one reason I want to walk away from this.



As far as your physical health goes you do need to take care of yourself, of course bailing on the marriage is not go to make the stress go away, but you know that.... wink.

Look, when it rains it pours.....that is life.....this situation magnifies every other thing in your life X10.

I remember 3 weeks after the bomb our hot water heater went out and had to be replaced....I remember crying out to GOD in tears....."what else GOD???"

It just seems that way now.......Probably the biggest thing that I or anyone can communicate to you is that no matter what you are going to be okay.....

life will carry on and life will be good and you will be happy....

Sometimes it takes awhile to realize this........

This is the key point that allows you to "let go" and let things fall where they may......

Cheers
_________________________
Formerly known as "missherlove"

Me43 XW43
M17 T19
S10 D14

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.

~Jim Morrison

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#2170158 - 07/22/11 01:03 AM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: MHL]
Bworl Offline
Member

Registered: 11/12/06
Posts: 2895
Loc: North Carolina
About six years before my first marriage went bust, we were having some rough times. We were deeply involved in a church in town, so we saw the pastor for counseling. We asked and expected that our situation would be held confidential.

After a few weeks we met a fellow member of the congregation at a local bank and were asked how we were doing with our "problem." We were stunned.

The pastor had shared some of our issues with a few members of the church, presumably to have them pray for us. I had wondered verbally at why it seemed several of our friends at church had seemed distant to us; now we knew why.

I walked away from that church and never took my family back again. I was mad at them and consequently mad at God for allowing it to happen.


Six years later my then wife attempted suicide, was found by myself and our youngest son lying beside a lake waiting to die from a pill overdose. She survived, but was never the same, began a life that was the complete opposite of everything she had ever been (including numerous affairs) and secured a divorce from me in barely three months. She gave up any custody of our youngest who was 14, then moved 500 miles away to chase after a man she had a crush on when she was 16.


I had no church family to turn to. I was too ashamed to turn to my family members. I was devastated, broken, and alone.


In my desperation (because I seriously attempted at least twice to simply check out) I cried out to God.


It was no high and mighty prayer. Most wouldn't even call it a prayer; it was more like a scream. I pointed my finger at Him and asked Him when he was finally going to have enough of me.


Eventually I got it out. Eventually I got quiet. Eventually I started to listen.


I'm not going to throw some old church cliche at you; I honor your pain too much to do that to you. I will only tell you that God has heard every word you've spoken to Him. He has felt every single tear that left your eyes, felt every pain in your heart and body.


Sometimes it's hard to speak when you're trying to carry your friend's burden, you know? God has sustained you so far. He's helping you even now to carry this load. Don't doubt that for a minute.


I wondered for a long time why God allowed my wife to take us to divorce. We had promised to never allow that to happen, and we were both Christians. Why didn't he stop her?


I believe that He could have. I also believe that if He would have, He would have been taking away the thing that makes us most precious to Him.


The right to choose.



You don't just carry the burden of your marriage for the two of you right now. You also carry the spiritual burden for the both of you. I know you're tired and spent, but I promise that God is sufficient.



Rejoice in the Lord and allow Him to renew your strength. Let Him know that YOU know He is there, that you KNOW He's been trying to help, and ask Him if He will continue to be your strength.


Because He will.



I'm not a religious whacko. But in reading your thread, the thing that touched me the most was that you have felt the same spiritual abandonment that I felt like I was experiencing. I KNOW how that feels.


Even better, I KNOW what it feels like when you finally work alongside Him. You NEED HIs peace and He wants to give it to you.



You are an honorable man. You have stood for your marriage and you labor even now trying to bring healing to your family. God honors that.


As others have said, there are things you couldbe doing to ease your load, and I will share my thoughts on that with you.


But for now I wanted to tell you what I'VE heard after reading your story.


God is with you. Right beside you.


Say hello.


Blessings,

Bill
_________________________
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."

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#2170262 - 07/22/11 11:49 AM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: Bworl]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
You guys don't know how much you've motivated me to get my life back in order with God and with my marriage and myself.

I had a good night last night. My wife is out of state visiting her sister with my two girls. I don't get to talk to her much so I get kind of antsy. Last night I put my phone away from me because I was constantly checking it to see if I missed her call. So, I settled in and watch a good movie with my best bud - my dog.

She called and was real upset that I wasn't with them. They went to an island on the outskirts of Florida. They stayed in a beautiful motel - the luxury suite actually that her very well off sister paid for. It was huge and beautiful and romantic. But without me there, she said, not romantic enough.

I almost started crying. (I haven't cried this much my whole life and I had a very abusive childhood.). Anyway I told her I was real sorry but my job has really gotten in the way of this one. Which it has. I have a project that needs priority to be out the door sooner than expected.

I hope this plays out the best for us. Meaning: That she will realize how much she wants my companionship instead of someone else.

Each morning I wake her up with a text straight from my heart and it seems to be opening her up. Or taking a brick from the wall she's built between us.

Another thing I've been doing that I've never done before when she's out of town is to make sure she's having a good time and not worrying about me and my attitude. I'm constantly encouraging her and trying to motivate her and the children to make the day special. And I really mean it.

Thanks again, gents. This day has started out nicely. I hope it lasts.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2170278 - 07/22/11 01:21 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: tpc1977]
Mach1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 3735
tpc,

From what I can see, there seems to be a struggle between your head and your heart reconciling . Your head is going one way, and your heart wants to hide until this all is done.

I'm not sure things work that way, and at some point, one of them is going to win out over the other. And usually, it is the side we don't want, yet we did nothing to work towards the other possible outcome.

One of the things I see is that you mention HER brick wall, yet your brick wall could be just as insurmountable to your relationship.

One of the things that most of us here do is to be aware of our own pitfalls during the breakdown of the relationship over the years, we identify those things , and really take a hard look as to the reasons that we had become , they way we had become over the years.

Then the inner healing can really begin by forgiving ourselves. Because to truly forgive, it starts from within.

Forgving her will be a gift that you give to yourself. It will do very little for her in the short term of things. But you give that gift to yourself so that you can look at her without all of those "old" feelings coming up.

Through that forgiveness, your trees will bear fruit for a lifetime. You will become the light that people will follow through their darkness.

And that leads me to what I see as being your biggest obstacle in all of this....

The faith to do that. Your faith in God , and your faith in yourself, your faith in her, and the faith in the marriage.

Maybe that would be a good place to start ? To define how your faith flows through you , and what your faith means to you.

To identify that God did not do this TO you, rather he did this FOR you.

One of the things I have found is, that God gives you exactly the problems that you need, to fix yourself.

How have you viewed, or maybe addressed the things that he has already given you a sign, to address in your life ?

I also that believe that God doesn't play too vital of a role in our inner most personnal relationships. I think that he puts us in opportunities, and relies on us to foster and nurish those relationships.

He has put you in a good place, to renew something that you hold sacred in your heart.

Sometimes, finding the blessing is the hardest part...

I'm glad you are having a good day....


Peace to you


M1

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#2170287 - 07/22/11 02:23 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: Mach1]
Bworl Offline
Member

Registered: 11/12/06
Posts: 2895
Loc: North Carolina
Quote:
He has put you in a good place, to renew something that you hold sacred in your heart.

Sometimes, finding the blessing is the hardest part...



This ^^^^^^^


Beautifully said.


These messages you've been sending each morning...expressions of your true recognition of what she means to you. Despite all that has happened.


I see many on this board who talk about how an affair is a dealbreaker for them, and I think, "Wait till it happens to you before you take that position."


I know you've read this probably many times before...


Love is patient . Love is kind . It does not envy, it does not boast , it is not proud . It is not rude , it is not self-seeking , it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs . Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres .

Love never fails.



A DB'ing approach that operates with these principles in mind, is going to succeed.


Period.


Success is measured in lots of different ways here. Most think of reconciled marriages, and that is of course our hope for all.


But for me, success is navigating your way through this crisis, finding (as Mach has said) the "blessings" it brings, becoming the man or woman we always should have been, and being able to deal with our spouse in love and respect, regardless of what our final relationship happens to be.



YOu have a real shot at grabbing the brass ring here, I honestly believe that. But it starts with YOU.


If you can't forgive YOURSELF back to your God, how will you ever forgive your wife back to your marriage?


Ultimately your wife will have to choose to join you in this effort. I would say that you are already seeing flashes of her moving in this direction. But it will continue to be a work in progress. It's NOT as simple as simply changing her mind, and you have to accept that and embrace that. It will be hard. Sometimes incredibly hard. But YOU have to carry the load for your family right now.


And actually that's not completely right.


Because HE will help you carry that load.

If you let Him.



Blessings,

Bill
_________________________
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."

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#2170289 - 07/22/11 02:33 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: Bworl]
Bworl Offline
Member

Registered: 11/12/06
Posts: 2895
Loc: North Carolina
One last thing...


Filling the empty spaces while your wife works on traveling HER journey is often maddening.


This is YOUR time. Don't fill your days with ways of reaching her. All that will do is cause you to overload her. In the end, what you designed to draw her to you, will actually serve to push her further away.


She has to be the navigator of her journey. If she needs or wants you alongside her for any part of it, she will let you know.


For example, your daily texts seem to be working. She is accepting them as peace from you. So that's a good thing.


When you start having conversations that are born out of your fear and frustration, she will sense that and recoil. She will pull away. That is your sign that she's not ready for that stuff yet.


So what do you do?


You take the focus OFF your wife and you place it ON you.


There are ways that YOU contributed to this fracture in your relationship. Spouses don't enter into affairs in marriages that are healthy and whole.



So what was your role? How did you contribute to the distance between the two of you?



These are the things that deserve your attention NOW.


My friend, if your wife returns home to you today, broken and contrite, and expressing her love and committment to you, and you haven't made changes to who YOU are...well, you will be back in this position again before long.


That is YOUR work for now. And just maybe, if you spend more time working on you, really looking deep inside at how you've become slack, turned into less than you were when you married, you might find it easier to make it through the days without focusing on her so much.



Trust me, she will appreciate the lack of focus.



Blessings,

Bill
_________________________
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."

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#2170294 - 07/22/11 02:51 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: Bworl]
MHL Offline
Member

Registered: 09/21/09
Posts: 1349
Originally Posted By: Bworl

My friend, if your wife returns home to you today, broken and contrite, and expressing her love and committment to you, and you haven't made changes to who YOU are...well, you will be back in this position again before long.


Yup......exactly what I was thinking too Bill.
_________________________
Formerly known as "missherlove"

Me43 XW43
M17 T19
S10 D14

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.

~Jim Morrison

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#2170299 - 07/22/11 03:05 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: MHL]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
Thank you guys. This is exactly what I needed.
Indeed I need to work on myself. And I plan on more of it.

Lately, I've just felt like I've failed at so many things. But I will change my outlook and in-look, if you will.

Awesome. Just awesome support.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2170355 - 07/22/11 04:49 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: tpc1977]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11338
Like a sign awesome?

wink

Food for thought.
_________________________

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


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