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#2169704 - 07/20/11 05:55 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
Computers have paid my bills for 20 years and I still hate them...
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

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#2169716 - 07/20/11 06:24 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: XYZ]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11339
I saw it as protecting myself. However; there comes a time when protecting yourself hurts reconcilliation. To love someone means you open yourself to them; without armor.

4 weeks is a short time X. 4 weeks ago you were not even getting the wrods. When forward progress is slow or seems stopped, it is in your goals best interest (notice I didn't say your best interest, because the goal is what you're aiming for, and our best interests are usually short term things and selfish) to look backward to mark progress rather than forward and become upset.

"This is hard"

You're in the middle of what you need and what your wife needs. (Needs actually = wants) In between capability of meeting those wants and pacing. Amoung...a dozen or 100 other things.

What you (people) have a difficult time remembering is...she is also in the middle. We aren't the only character in this story.

You have written and given some amazing insight about pacing this, time to live up to it.

If this had happened fast, like whirlwind fast? I'd be worried and I think you would be too. Your trust needs to be rebuilt as did mine and as does hers, and the slow pace is the best for this. I am glad for the slow building between my wife and I, I know the structure is solid and the groundwork is there. I built it with her.

Remember the dupe moment? Cautionary tales serve as examples to others...and ourself. Give it a few more days, and then bring it up if needed. It will be an R talk.

In peicing (I believe) the R talks are needed. But go in with logic, knowing what you want to say and how to say it. Be in control of the converstion and be ready to end it. Know how to talk so she isn't defensive but in such a way that your concerns are addressed. Acknowledge the positives she has been doing, acknowledge the effort on her part...it is there.

"This is hard"

Don't trust easy.
_________________________

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


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#2169946 - 07/21/11 01:00 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
I'm not in a good space today. I've realized that I don't trust my wife. Her actions don't match her words. They never have. A big part of our problems were that she's say one thing and do another; then get mad at me for not knowing what she wanted or believing her actions when she wanted me to believe her words or vice versa ("I always told you...." to which I'd reply, "Yes, but you did....").

Pre-bomb, she went from "we'll be ok", to "maybe not", to "done" in 20 day days. Then she was done, then she wanted to try, but didn't DO anything to try, back to "done", back to "try". Now, "I'll schedule counseling" - but doesn't, to "sorry, been busy, I'll do it", but doesn't. To "I'll follow up", but doesn't. Great (really great!) words the night she asked me to try again; and then they are gone.

Before piecing, I believed nothing she said. What she said didn't make sense and it didn't match what she did. Now, she SAYS what I want her to say, and I believe it? Why? Just because it's what I want to hear? That doesn't make sense.

I'll tell you something, only 2 things have changed: (1) what she SAYS and (2) me being hopeful again. And that [censored], because now it hurts again to be disappointed. When I was detached, I didn't give a crap what she did/said, it didn't matter, now it does again and I'm pissed at myself for letting it.

I'll repeat after Jack, "today is not the day I quit", but I really want to. I just want to say F this.
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

Top
#2169975 - 07/21/11 02:34 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: XYZ]
Harrier Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/10
Posts: 781
Loc: Connecticut
X,

I sympathize. I really do.

I know you so want to believe them...then nothing. you know what...you shouldn't trust your wife. You aren't ready to and she hasn't shown the ability to do it.

maybe she will never be able to follow through her words with actions and you have to decide what you can live with.

You want her to call and set up the MC, right? it will show you she's serious right? Are you willing to chuck it all if she doesn't.

My advice. Take it out of her hands. Just ask for the contact make the appt. set up the arrangements for the kids, etc. I mean you will be working with this person too, so it is appropriate that you at least talk to the MC. Heck, you might even get the contact and talk to them about this very issue before setting up an MC appt.

But, I wouldn't forget this. I mean this kind of issue is ripe for exploring in an MC session -that's where it will really be dealt with. But you will never get there if you don't make the appt.

Maybe she has reasons for delaying .... other than not working on the marriage. With my W, I know that because she works in the mental health field getting her to go to MC or and IC was incredibly difficult. I mean she encouraged me to go. I've been to 3 different therapists and the MC during this whole ordeal. My W - 0 IC sessions (I still don't think she set up her IC appt)

I know it is tough for her to open up about her issues and the M issues. I mean she is used to hearing bout other peoples problems all day long. She knows the drill, but I think that makes her even more reluctant to open up to a therapist about her own.

It's embarrassing, it's scary, it's hurtful and now she probably thinks of you in a good light and might be worried about changing that in MC.

You guys are pretty fragile right now, maybe she's worried MC will upset that balance. It takes a leap to go to MC, I really think it does.

but you won't know anything until you do. She needs to be reminded of that. You making the appt will do that, in my opinion.
_________________________
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.

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#2169981 - 07/21/11 03:00 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: Harrier]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
Originally Posted By: Harrier
Are you willing to chuck it all if she doesn't.

I always love that expression, because Chuck is my real name. lol. Hope I don't get banned for that.

I get what you're saying. When my W suggested counseling, I offered 2 or 3 times to make the appointment. Each time, she said she'd do it because her schedule is so busy. It's more that that.

I'm also pissed about another item, but they have the same root cause. Three days ago, she sent me a great mid-day check in TM. I mentioned it here. I also told her how much I liked getting that -- she and I even had a nice conversation about "small" things. I sent her one two days ago. Nothing yesterday. I told her how important they were to me and she didn't follow up. Why? She's too busy.

Here's what it really is: I need to feel like I'm important to her. In fact, I want to be the MOST important thing to her. More important than her work. And I don't. The most excited she's been lately was when she told me how much money she made this month -- a sign of success at work (BTW, she also told me she would deposit it in the bank and guess what....she hasn't.)

Before she started in private practice a few years ago, she'd email me throughout the day. She'd call me on the way home from work. We talk a couple times a day. Then she started her own practice. She was too busy to email me during the day. She'd call patients on the way to and from work. I seldom heard from her any more. They (patients) were more important.

She hasn't made the appointment because she's too busy at work. She didn't text me because she's too busy at work. We go to dinner and she's on her BlackBerry most of the time with...you guessed it, work.

She told me a couple of weeks ago that she needed to see changes in me and I needed to see them in her. I do need that, and I don't see them. Not when it competes with her work, anyway. I'm important to her only when there's nothing more important. And that's not good enough for me.

I love my W. I want to be with her, but I don't know if I can and be second to work. And I see no inclination on her part to change that.
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

Top
#2169988 - 07/21/11 03:24 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: XYZ]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
Something else...

Someone here said one time that before piecing, the LBS bottles up all of their hurt because they want the WAS to come back. Once the WAS does come back, all the hurt the LBS bottled up starts to come back out. I'm angry. I'm angry at all the stuff she did to hurt me and then blamed it all on me. I have my issues, no doubt, but I wasn't in this by myself. When do we get to talk about that? Maybe in MC sometime in 2017.
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

Top
#2169993 - 07/21/11 03:36 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: XYZ]
Harrier Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/10
Posts: 781
Loc: Connecticut
have you been reading my thoughts.

I feel the EXACT same way. Of course we are at different points, but it was a large reason why I freaked out last year.

I think that...too much...about how her work is more important. The other night during out discussion my W tells me how tired she is all the time and how she'd just like to go to bed at 9:30 every night. Yet last night she stays late at work...until 10:30. Like she can skip spending time with me, but she cant' do the same for her job. (assuming we were back 100%) She answers work emails, texts, phone calls very timely while mine get put on the back burner.
She puts a lot of her effort into her work. And it does have a cost with her family.

I had a talk with my FIL about this, because he's kinda like your W with my MIL. She hates is as much as we do. He kinda said he regrets working so much when he was our age. He said thee is time with his kids he will never get back. I think he does have some regret, but it seems his daughter (My W) is just repeating it.

Of course when I talked to my W about this she said something like 'Maybe you should have married a cashier."

I don't really think our Ws know that when they do this they make us feel unimportant. The thing is I'm wouldn't asking her for a lot. Just something to show I'm important. You need that to.

But, the things is..their work is important. No offense to widget makers, but they aren't making widgets. They are working on improving peoples lives and in some cases saving them. That is no short order and has a huge cost. It's emotionally draining and not something you can really take a break from. I can leave my work at work, my W or your W can't.

the question is how you deal with it. I'm not saying you accept everything and just be miserable. Your W has to change, but you have to decide what will be acceptable to you or how you can change your perception.

It's tough.
_________________________
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.

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#2170006 - 07/21/11 04:22 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: Harrier]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11339
What are your boundaries X?

Not baby steps, boundaries.
_________________________

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


Top
#2170020 - 07/21/11 04:55 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
Not sure I understand the question. Do you mean, what's the most I can deal with after we're reconciled and permanent?
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

Top
#2170022 - 07/21/11 05:05 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: XYZ]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11339
and here I sit a little bit baffled/bemused.

How can you be piecing if there are no boundaries. I am asking myself, and I remember that my experience does not mean everyones.

To be honest, it never occurred to me that you might not have them.

Not how much you can take or suckup.

But is there a line you have TOLD HER about, that if she crosses you are done? In most cases it is about an affair, the OM/OW, contact...stuff like that. Not all cases.

A Boundary is an non-negotiable deal breaker.

Do you have any of those?
_________________________

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


Top
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Moderator:  Jack_Three_Beans, Virginia 

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