Can I save my marriage? (long; please be patient)

[MadeToSucceed]

^

[jbnati]

. This is the first time she has contacted me on her own and not just been responding to something I've sent but it's about something in particular.

This may be partially a result of you not reaching out to her yesterday.

IMO, and some others may disagree and/or have some better ideas, you can go ahead and respond, but keep it simple - just express your surprise and let her know you will tell them she appreciated it.

[MadeToSucceed]

That's kind of what I was thinking jb. Initially I wanted to just respond "I'll let them know" but I thought that would come off as being an a**. I still have yet to respond and I think she called me (I have a missed call from an unknown number and when she calls from skype, that is how it shows up) and she also messaged me again saying "Hello" since I've yet to respond to her first message.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

mgm,

I know you want hope, and specific hope, like are there success stories about a guy who is working on his degree while his wife is a...professional athlete who is having an affair with another professional athlete, and they don't have kids...

Look, you were an athlete yourself I'm thinking big team sport, well this is more like wrestling. You'll get alot of support from the bench, but it's you alone on that mat.

Be your own hero.

Become that success story others look for.

Don't look at the odds, you KNOW what it takes to have a winner's mind set.

[jbnati]

FWIW, I saw an analogy here once between the wayward spouse and a little kid / parent situation. When a little kid runs for their parents and the parent chases them, it is fun. However, when the parent stops the chase, the kid will come back to the parent.

It sounds like you are getting fairly quick results from laying off the contact.

Keep an eye on the situation, though. One of the core points of DB'ing is "Do what works. Don't do what doesn't work".

[MadeToSucceed]

Jack,

You're right...I was a team sport guy...football and we even won a national championship...so I love the team work around here on these forums...but I also had teammates and coaches who would sometimes slap me on the helmet and say I had to get it together...and in a sense I feel like that's what you're helping me do.

It's not all going to be wrapped up in a box with a nice little outline for me to follow. I need to realize there's no sitch exactly the same as mine. I'm hoping...no...I'm confident I'll build my own success story.

[MadeToSucceed]

I decided to go ahead and respond. This is what I sent her:

"Honestly that's pretty surprising to me. I wasn't aware of that. I hope whatever he said didn't cause you frustration or distraction. I'll let him know you got his message." She responded "Not at all...Made me teary eyed... Both of them."

Now this is where I may have gone further than I initially planned but I said "Both? I assumed when you said my mom you meant back when she messaged you in May."

She said my mom actually texted her yesterday. I told her I had no clue again and that my mom hadn't shared that with me.

She sent me the message my mother sent her:

"Hello W, how are you? I literally woke up last night with you very much on my mind. I wanted to check on you then but decided I should not. But since I still feel this way I'm taking a chance. I hope that it is ok to contact you. This has been difficult for me because it is like you vanished. My love for you is as a daughter and it just doesn't work to act as if you don't exist. By the way I did not share with anyone that I contacted you."

My mother and W had a very close relationship so this has been very trying on her...particularly because I haven't given my mother details on anything...she has no idea about the EA and PA. I apologized to my W if my mother's text made her uncomfortable and told her I don't share details with her or my grandfather and that is likely why they reached out on their own. My grandfather is visiting my mother in Austin right now so I'm guessing they must have talked yesterday and then both ended up reaching out.

W responded to my "apology" on my mom's behalf (which I probably shouldn't have done but oh well now) by saying "Its really not a problem. Just didn't want to not tell you."

I responded "Ok. Hope you're well. Have a good day." She said "I'm doing ok. I hope all is well with you as well. Sorry to bother you." Then she cracked a joke about something she saw on tv. I told her she wasn't a bother. That I'd just got back from church and lunch and then I followed up on her joke. Convo ended by her laughing at my last remark in reference to the joke.

So it seems not reaching out "worked." When I didn't respond to her right away this morning she got anxious and messaged me to see if I got her first message. When I attempted to end the convo by saying have a good day, she felt the need to say "sorry to bother you." I took the bait a bit and told her she was no bother...I suppose I could have just not said anything to that. A light hearted convo followed to which I didn't keep going by asking more questions (even though I want to know how her training is going and when she runs again). I'm going to stick with this and see how it goes. It seems my mom and grandpa reaching out impacted her some kind of way and so it's hard to tell if she would have messaged me today had they not contacted her but all the same, with the weekend coming I'm finding a few projects I want to work on anyways in hopes of keeping me busy and I'm going to a DivorceCare group at church on Sunday.

And jb...I like what you said and it helps the sanity. I've got to stop chasing.

[MadeToSucceed]

Went to get a massage at 5pm today. I'd left my computer on and signed in to skype...when I came back at around 6:15pm tonight my W had sent me a message (timestamp was 5:11pm) that said nothing more than "Hi."

I responded around 6:20pm and said "Hi" but she was probably sleep by then. Not sure what to make of that. She's messaged me on her own fruition twice today. That's a first...in a long time. Gotta keep pressing forward though. Still so early in my process (only 3 months in since it began) that I don't want to get too up or too down over these kinds of things.

[♪CS♪]

I don't want to get too up or too down over these kinds of things

Good realization.

This may be a tough one for a while.

Along with this is the 'what does this mean?'

It means she sent a message that said 'hi'

Now it would be the pot calling the kettle black if I were to say I don't have a problem over analyzing things.

But realize it serves no purpose.

If she decides to make a move back towards the M, you'll know.

[MadeToSucceed]

Sorry this post is going to be a little long. The last 24 hours or so have been interesting. Last night I decided to go out. I went out with some friends and had a pretty good time. Before going out I got a message from my W.

W: Hope I didn't cause an issue with u, ur mom and your paw paw. Sorry if I did. Night.

Me: No issue. Night. I didn't bring it up to my mom or PawPaw so there's no issue.

About 4am she messages me (it's 11am where she is in Europe).

W: Thanks for being my friend.. I really need a real one these days."

I woke up at around 730am and responded.

Me: You're welcome...but as I told you before...I'm here. You could "use" me more than you do.

W: Lol "use"

Me: Just saying I'm here and you can talk to me when you need to. I've become a much better listener believe it or not.

W: I believe it

So we didn't talk for the rest of the day and I got so busy I didn't really think much about her. That being said, I looked at the calendar and realized we had some legal things looming. On August 5th I'm supposed to move out of the house as laid out in the HEaring we attended on June 30th. Not worth trying to explain but she bought the house before we were married so it is only in her name.

Before she left for Europe we talked on the phone and she basically told me that since we are doing ok and being cordial and having positive convos and not knock down drag out ones, that she didn't have a problem with me staying in the house through August since she wouldn't be here for the majority of the time during August. I didn't push the issue anymore and haven't brought it up since. Well August is right around the corner so I messaged her this evening:

Me: I know it was extremely brief but when we actually talked before you left the states but on the phone you mentioned you thought it would be ok for me to stay in the house past August 5th as long as things were "ok" with us. So I guess the question here is a) is that still ok with you for me to stay in the house until I can actually get into my apt? b) if so, can you communicate that to your lawyer so we can get it in writing? I trust you but I don't want to violate a court order. And since I'd be staying in the house I wouldn't need to cash the $2k check you wrote. I'll just tear it up. I just don't wanna get hit with trespassing. I contacted the apt complex and they said I can be in the apt on Sept 15th (that's a Thurs) so if its ok for me to be out by the night of Sept 17th (a Sat) then I'd use Fri and Sat to move my stuff out (since I have work and class). Also since I'd be in the house for half of Sept we could redo whatever they said the Sept check "had" to be for. If any of this makes you uncomfortable and you'd just prefer to have me out I understand...I'll just have to figure out where to keep my stuff and where to stay for a month and a half. I'll stay out of your hair, I assure you. Just trying to avoid spending money I don't have and you being forced to spend money by the court when we can both save a little. I'm not trying to guilt you in anyway so I hope you don't feel like I am in anyway. Its just August is right around the corner and I gotta start trying to figure things out logistically.

W: That's a lot... Wow. I guess no matter where I go in the world.. There is no escaping the reality of what is going on. That's nothing personal towards you...

Me: I'm sorry. I wanted to wait until after today's meet because I wasn't sure if you were there in Monaco or running or whatever but I had to bring it up. I hope you understand the "new/updated" me has nothing to do with any of what I just asked you. When I sent all that it struck me that that may have crossed your mind. "Oh that's why he's acting this way." But its not. I'm just trying to be a better person and man so it really is authentic. This is Marcus. Some old mixed with some updates. I guess you don't have to answer the house ish today cuz we have til August 5th technically (the court move out date). But I had to bring it up and I'm sorry if I took you from a place of being able to escape it. Wasn't my intent. Maybe you let me know by August 1st? That's a Monday.

W: Sorry at this dinner...I'll respond in a bit

Me: Ok.

On top of that, my friend that runs track just came back from overseas. They were at a meet together and had to do a team building exercise. He told me that he whispered to her that he, his wife and baby missed her in their lives. He said my W basically responded and said "I know," then teared up and had to walk away before breaking down right in front of him.

I know I probably made some mistakes in my convos with her the past 24 hours but I tried to stay as neutral as possible and not put too much feeling into things. I've tried to end convos first and I've tried to end them in such a way that she would have to follow up with me to initiate more contact. I'm just not really sure what to make of this stuff. I haven't heard back from her so I guess she's at the dinner still. I'm watching a movie and may go meet up with some friends for dinner. Just kind of confused in the moment.