Walking in Muskeg III

[Queen_of_Swords]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2143886&page=1

Three threads already. I've been here too long I'm thinking.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Still slogging through the muck. Been awhile since I've posted in MLC.

Feel like I'm carrying way too much of a load with no end in sight.
H. is H. I don't know what to call him anymore. H. STBX, the X.
I don't know if I should wear my rings, have them redesigned into a tombstone shaped pendant or give them back to him.

I guess it doesn't really matter these days. Whatever I choose to do it's going to be the wrong thing. I am in a no win situation where my M is concerned.
H. said once this weekend he doesn't want me to hurt. All I could do was laugh soundlessly and mirthlessly on the other end of the phone.

I have more than enough work, I have my kids, I'm busy enough I fall asleep almost instantly, but still wake up every night at 3AM.

[punkin]

SC,

First, don't give the rings back. They are worth money. I do like the tombstone redesign idea, though. How about a Pentagram?

Waking up at 3 a.m. Been there, done that,wait . . . still doing it. It becomes a physical habit.

You sound as if you are in a period of doze. Life goes on, although you don't feel you have one.

Hang in there SC. Time passes and circumstances change. No situation is permanent, apparently even a marriage in our cases. We will get through helping each other out.

((HUGS))

[Queen_of_Swords]

SC,

You sound as if you are in a period of doze. Life goes on, although you don't feel you have one.

Not so much doze as feeling frozen/paralysed.
Thanks for the hugs.

[Queen_of_Swords]

I am losing heart and hope where my R. is concerned.

I have no interest in walking through life alone without companionship, the love between two people that choose to love one another or without sex.

I'm tired of my situation maritally speaking.

I have a life, family and friends. I have kids to care for and raise. I have more than one job. I have activities I do regularly. I fall into bed tired every night. I look good, I'm healthy. I'm getting emotionally healthy and developing more emotional maturity.

It still feels all wrong.

[tadpole1025]

It still feels all wrong.

I know exactly how you feel.

I'm sorry that you are losing hope....

Thanks for the advice you have given me.

Tad

[Truegritter]

It still feels all wrong.

Because it is. This isn't what you signed up for right?

There are so many other people out there who can make you happy.

Roll the dice.

Or

Figure out this one out first.

Then

You won't be gambling on what you might know

Or what you hope someone will bring you

Or will this one work?

There is something to be said for being alone with you and enjoying it.

If you can't, why would someone else?

I am all for moving forward

BUT

Not out of weakness

Or lack

Or desire or want.

When is it time?

Only you can answer that

Just make sure it is for the righ reasons.

I like what Jack said to me once:

Find your own answers

They will have great credibility coming from you.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Because it is. This isn't what you signed up for right?

There are so many other people out there who can make you happy.

No it's not. I didn't sign up for all the responsibility of raising our kids with no partner. I didn't sign up for a run away as a husband.

Make me happy? Hardly. No one has that power, someone new can certaintly add to the richness and sharing of pleasures in life.

Figure out this one out first.

Figure out what?
That I was in a co-dependant relationship? That I was a people pleaser and a caretaker? That I was damaged and used to a high level of neglect until it became unbearable and I lashed out in pain from rejection that happened over and over, until the coupe de gras?

That I married somone that couldn't give me what I needed because of his addictive behaviour? That H. can't communicate his feelings? That he checked out emotionally on me the day I had my first child? That his damage is much worse than mine?

I think I have figured out a lot. So?

There is something to be said for being alone with you and enjoying it.

I do not mind my own company, the quiet is nice the ability to read uninterrupted is a luxury I seldom get to enjoy among several pleasures I have indulged myself in since H. has been gone.

I have done alone way too much in my life alone and I have no desire to continue on that way.

I am tired of carrying the load alone. I feel like Atlas.

[Truegritter]

Make me happy? Hardly. No one has that power, someone new can certaintly add to the richness and sharing of pleasures in life.

Figure out what?
That I was in a co-dependant relationship?

Good you figured that out.

That I was damaged and used to a high level of neglect until it became unbearable and I lashed out in pain from rejection that happened over and over, until the coupe de gras?

Victim.

I do not mind my own company, the quiet is nice the ability to read uninterrupted is a luxury I seldom get to enjoy among several pleasures I have indulged myself in since H. has been gone.

Survivor.

I am tired of carrying the load alone. I feel like Atlas.

This is your block to becoming...

A THRIVOR

You focusing what you don't have.

What do YOU have?

Atlas?

Did he know his burden?

Or just accept it and move on?

[Grace_O]

I didn't sign up for all the responsibility of raising our kids with no partner.

Another way to look at this is you will have all the memories and time shared with them.

I know how tough it can be. You said you like to read, do you write? I ask b/c I found that it was a really great outlet for me.

HUGS