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#2164983 - 07/01/11 12:49 PM Is filing for D a 180?
luvmyhubby Offline
Member

Registered: 05/02/11
Posts: 79
We are seperated and have two kids. I thought things were okay and he was taking his time. He is now telling me he didnt file at first when he left because i said I wouldnt sign. Now he wants to file together and agree on everything. The agreeing on everything isnt hard for us custody and the house etc is all agreed upon.. I just dont want this! He is going out partying and saying things like I was hitting on other women and you dont deserve that. His main complaints are that I have taken control in the marriage. He didnt speak up about decisions we made together because he didnt want to cause waves.

He didnt so things so i picked up the slack and now Im paying for it.

Do I file with him or tell him i will tear it up? Or tell him Ill fight him and it will cost?

My heart is bleeding for my family and his lack of effort to work on things. I have talked to Jody twice and am following the rules and I have a life..

Please reply..
_________________________
______________________________________
H:32
W: 35
M- 11
Tog- 13
D-5
S-9
Sep. June 5th
Bomb 6/27/11
OW Discovered on July 18th and admitted....
Divorced 11/22/2011
Ex Engaged to OW Jan. 2012

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#2164995 - 07/01/11 01:24 PM Re: Is filing for D a 180? [Re: luvmyhubby]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
Filing for D could certainly be a 180 if you have continued to NOT file for D or as is said, if not filing D would be "more of the same"...

I'd submit that filing for D would be a LRT. So if you do file, you'd have to be willing to follow through with it.

OTOH, if you maintain you still do not want D, then perhaps consider NOT filing for D.

If your H wants it, let him do all the leg work. That does not mean trying to stop him, but it also means that you do nothing to initiate or move D forward in advance of your H's actions. Rather, you wait for anything that might require your input and provide that input only within the parameters set out, including the time frames. Nothing more, nothing less.

And then, GAL like you've never GAL'd before!

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#2165247 - 07/02/11 09:56 PM Re: Is filing for D a 180? [Re: ~ kd ~]
luvmyhubby Offline
Member

Registered: 05/02/11
Posts: 79
So he says he wants one. He knows etc.. He said that he would have filed sooner but i said i wouldnt sign. Well I have done the leg work as far as me i know what it will take to file for a D with us both agreeing.

He doesnt have the $ to file with a lawyer but if i agree to file with him and we agree on everything he can do it. So do I just wait for him to file etc? I just dont even know anymore..

I know why he is rushing. He wants to be with other people and not feel guilty anymore which is what i made him feel in the marriage. He has that link to me and cannot move on with out it broken I think..

I think I move on and am okay with a D but then it hits me again. Im looking GREAT losing weight and GAL really GAL!!!!! I just have a hard time not wanting my husband and family.

So if i just let him file and come to me but then agree to what he wants that is a 180 from my control. However I dont want one he knows that already and if I give him a no answer he will wait but I could free him from our RULES about not dating.. I guess that would be more of the same though.. me in control of the scenario...

I dont want the broken man before me I want the man he can be after we heal. I will continue to pray for that and keep that safe in a part of my heart.. but still move on as best as I can.

I wont stop it but I wont encourage it either..
He has said some things about the kids lately that upset me. Like he cannot handle them both together because they fight.. He wants to try one at a time.. I dont know if I should try to control this or allow it.. It isnt fair to the kids but me controlling the issue is more of the same.

I think if I allow him to take one the other will freak out. Then Ill just let them call him and the chips will fall where they may.. He cant even think about being a bad dad that makes him cringe...
He is shirking his responsibility little by little. He is high on his freedom.. I hope that he enjoys the ride!
_________________________
______________________________________
H:32
W: 35
M- 11
Tog- 13
D-5
S-9
Sep. June 5th
Bomb 6/27/11
OW Discovered on July 18th and admitted....
Divorced 11/22/2011
Ex Engaged to OW Jan. 2012

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#2165295 - 07/03/11 10:31 AM Re: Is filing for D a 180? [Re: luvmyhubby]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
While I appreciate the money thing regarding your husband's ability to file, I still call BS.

Here's the thing... I cannot afford to file either. I have said to myself and others that if I could afford to, I would. Thing is... if I really, really wanted to... I could come up with the money... somehow... somewhere... So really, that's an excuse. Things can be done to get the ball rolling that doesn't need money and then things can be done as the money comes available.

I'll submit your H is not fully committed to D. He's testing you, even if it's not consciously.

Time makes us crazy, but time really is our friend...

If you are fully committed to D, then start the process. Otherwise...

Yes, let him come up with the resources to start the process and yes, do ONLY what you need to, within time constraints, to move it forward.

As you suggest, you are not controlling him in the process, you are only controlling you. Leveraging time to your advantage.

If control is an issue, then this would be a 180 for you, yes.

I get that you do not want the D. So does he. If he starts the process and you only do what is necessary, he will likely accuse you of stalling. That's fine. That's his feelings. Validate his feelings ("I understand you feel I am stalling. I am making sure I am clear on all the paperwork.") and then show him you are handing over control at each juncture by completing the paperwork and handing it back.

My W does not want to spend money to D, either. She has found a way that we can do mediation for free, so that we can take the paperwork to our Ls for final filing. I am VERY clear that with this mediation, either one of us can stop the process at ANY time. So I have a lot of opportunity to stop playing the game once it begins. At the end of mediation, I can even decide that I do not like the results and choose to go back through the process with Ls at that time.

Not controlling HER, rather just leveraging time.

Semantics? Maybe it could be seen that way. Truly, if she wants the D, I will not stop it. I WILL make sure that enough time is put into the process so that everyone is clear on the outcome and it is maximum benefit for everyone.

Rules...? Boundaries, control...

If he wants to date, he will. If he is "respecting" the rules around dating, then he still has one foot in the door.

It is said there are no rules in love or war... There are some absolute truths in that statement.

You need to do only ONE thing, regarding rules of dating. Let him know that you understand you cannot control what he does. Let him know that YOU will not date until after the D and that HE can and will do what ever he chooses. And leave it at that. He can deal with his own daemons around that.

Interesting... it seems that I am laying the foundation for my own sitch, as I speak on my opinions of yours...

I further understand that you do not want the man who you are currently M to. I do not want the woman who I am M to. She is not the woman I knew, when I M'd her.

What you have done to GAL, how you have changed yourself, made yourself better... how you will continue to become a better person (not like you were not a good person, you are just becoming... more... better...) is the foundation for who you will become, who you will be, for the future, for a future R with whomever that may be.

By being a better person, you "give permission" to others to step into their greatness, as it were. Not like they NEED your permission, you are just "showing the way" and leading by example. This could possibly lead your H to finally find it in himself to do the work on HIMself, to become better. To learn and grow from this experience.

You may find that your changes will have him interested in you and he may ultimately step up, make changes in himself, and decide that he does in fact want to be with you. And thus, you will not be with the man who stands before you... rather, you will be with a NEW and IMPROVED man... without the hassles of having to get D and start a new R.

Finally, as far as the kids. You could either assert control again (either aggressively or passively) by saying "No" to splitting them, or telling him to figure it our himself...

or...

you could just work WITH him and the kids to figure out what works. Not doing the work, just letting your H know that you will support him in figuring out what works best for everyone, but you will not accept anything that may be harmful for the kids.

Make sense?

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#2165695 - 07/05/11 08:51 AM Re: Is filing for D a 180? [Re: ~ kd ~]
luvmyhubby Offline
Member

Registered: 05/02/11
Posts: 79
Kaffe,
Thanks for your response! It was very helpful! for me I have begun to focus on me and my physical health and also mental. I am making plans and new friends and doing things I enjoy such as dancing with friends. I have not really relayed the sitch to many of our friends and he has been staying away from them as well. I am now just enjoying our friends also and not shying away being afraid of what will come. I am also telling them that there are issues when they ask how things are. Im being honest not too informative..

I think my biggest thing for the GAL process is that I didnt do certain things i liked because he wasnt involved. I am now just doing them like dancing, photography and even a weekend job bartending weddings on occasion.
The bartending is a bit hard with all of the lovey dovey stuff that happens but I do okay. It isnt a dream of mine just a way to get out of the house and some extra cash.

My mom has been over me in a sense my whole life and we lived with her and she has lived with us most of my marriage. I am sort of forcing her away so that I can be my own woman and mother without her input. Seems very weird because i always throught of myself as a strong woman who didnt need anyone. I see now that I was dependent on my mom in some way or another and she did tell me what to do. Weird enough I listened without flinching in a way too.. I guess I grew up to always do whatever I had to do for my family and I was still doing it but for the wrong family..

It is hard because I dont have my H and my mother is gone too but I am growing personally every day by leaps and bounds. This is a huge 180 for me and I like who i am and who I am becoming more and more.. I told my mother this weekend that she needed to find another place to live if she could. In a nice way of course and every suggestion or negative comment she gives gets ignored or verbally disregarded. She still doesnt get that she is trying to control but that is her journey not mine..

For the future how do I plan to keep things going and what do I see? I see me making my choices for my children and myself not for anyone else. If a choice is good for me but someone doesnt like it I have the courage to say too bad!
I like to hunt and fish and these are things we did as a family. I do plan to continue this with my children and myself regardless of who is in my life. I can do these things myself even if I fail it will be all my failure..

I have wanted to travel for work more but I was scared to before because I was a mother and a wife to a H with a busy company. Now I know this is my career and I can choose and now he must pickup the slack that I had to pickup for so long. I will no longer carry all of that burden and if he chooses not to. Ill worry about that then..

He didnt call or check on the kids all weekend but I didnt bother him at all. My brothers called him together on Sat. and apparently he couldnt speak all he did was cry. I found this out by accident while hanging out with my brother this weekend. I didnt pry or ask anymore questions i just left it. My H isnt a cryer but during this process he has shed a ton of tears so I know he is hurting but I cannot help his pain I know that. He sent me a text at midnight to tell me he would pick the kids up this morning he just got back into town and he showed up early.
He wont look at me again though, only quick glances. He leaves the room where I am if he can help it. I did ask him if he had a good weekend and he said yeah it was okay...


So my thinking is that you are right I will do nothing to help the D along however I wont stop it. I dont know if telling him he can do whatever he chooses to do regarding dating is that R talk? Im okay with telling him that I just dont want to add any fuel to his fire..

I know this is a process but I hate that one minute Im good with moving on. Then something happens a memory comes by and slaps me and im back to hoping the man i know and love will come back. I know better but sometimes i cant stop my mind from running around.. I dont call him or anything..

I do pray a lot and even if we end up getting a D and i move on that maybe one day this great man will come back. Also that I will be in a place to accept him..

How do you handle the contact between you and your W when you see her? Does she look at you or act as if you arent even there?
_________________________
______________________________________
H:32
W: 35
M- 11
Tog- 13
D-5
S-9
Sep. June 5th
Bomb 6/27/11
OW Discovered on July 18th and admitted....
Divorced 11/22/2011
Ex Engaged to OW Jan. 2012

Top
#2165896 - 07/05/11 06:16 PM Re: Is filing for D a 180? [Re: luvmyhubby]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
Interesting how you mention you feel your mom is trying to control you...

ergo the development of your own need to control...?

IMO, discussing dating with your W would not necessarily be R talk. Although it is probably something that you would only mention if HE brought up the dating topic. IOW, if he mentions anything about himself dating (hopefully you can control yourself and not react to this), you can simply indicate that you do not intend to date. Period. If he persists, asking for "permission", simply respond with "What you do will be your choice."

Sometime either just before I left or just after I left, my W suggested something to the effect that maybe I should see if the "grass was greener"... I simply stated, very firmly, that I had no intention to see if the grass was greener, as I was very sure it was not. That topic has not come up again.

I have gone as dark as possible with my W over the past two months. So contact has been very minimal.

Prior to going dark, my W varied between open and friendly, to closed and distant. I can say with certainty, that our contact was elastic and dynamic.

What I mean by this is, often my W would be open and candid, and then (likely by some language or action by me), she would become uncomfortable and then move to cold and distant. How this happened was definitely something internal, going on with her.

Yes, if she was open and I was cold, she would move to cold and distant. And yet, if she was open and I was open, she could also move to cold and distant (some internal feeling of discomfort she likely went to).

The opposite could also happen. If she was cold and distant and I was warm and open, she sometimes remained cold and sometimes she became warm.

Very little rhyme or reason. And yes, I could pick up the kids when she was there and she ignored my presence (and then eventually came to talk... or not...) There has been no physical contact, intentional or otherwise, since at best early January. That was cold and disconnected. No hugs, no hand holding, no brushing against each other. If we are physically close and she gets uncomfortable, she definitely moves further away or even leaves the room.

She certainly has her own daemons she is working on.

To be perfectly honest, if she attempted to hold my hand or hug me, I would likely back away. Anything would be (reactively) cold unless I put in significant effort to be otherwise.

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#2166039 - 07/06/11 09:34 AM Re: Is filing for D a 180? [Re: ~ kd ~]
luvmyhubby Offline
Member

Registered: 05/02/11
Posts: 79
Well I had thought about how I would bring up the "rules" i put in place and how i would rescind them. Then if he brought up the D what I would say exactly.. I spent a good portion of an hour reviewing what and how I would say it.

Then I discussed with a friend and she asked me.. Why are you actually going to bring this up? Who does it benefit? If he is going to release himself he wont wait for you to do it.. After I pondered this I decided to not say a thing.

He picked up the kids and brought them home to change for gynmastics and I fixed them a snack. When I asked him if he was going to take them to dinner after he said no he didnt have any $. Which was odd since he had been somewhere all weekend and that costs $ but I didnt say a word. I said okay and quickly grabbed something out of the fridge heated it up and fed the kids. They left..
I worked out and enjoyed every single minute of it and when they came home I fed the kids something better. I told him I needed to talk to him about a few things (financial and kids only) He looked worried. I asked if he would prefer to discuss another time that it wasnt a big deal and he seemed relieved and tired.

He said that he would come early to get the kids in the AM and we could chat then. Later my D5 was upset i think from not seeing him for 3 days and then him leaving for the night and wanted to call. So I called and she had the phone and talked to him for a while and asked him if he would stay the night at our house. He sort of back peddled and told her he didnt think he could do that blah blah blah..

when he came in this morning I happened to be ironing my top and standing in my skirt and bra. Ive lost about 35lbs and I didnt make a big effort to cover up I just ironed and tried to get done quickly. He stood there and talked to me and looked at me for a minute but didnt say anything. I discussed the financial stuff (selling my truck which he always wanted to keep to get another car) and then he mentioned some other company things etc. This part of the conv. was really me moving on and not holding on to our stuff in the form of buying a new car. He moved to the couch and just sat and kept chatting facing my direction and didnt have a problem looking me in the eye. I put on my top while we were still talking and grabbed my shoes and sat down to put them on in the next chair.
I told him he would need to keep the kids a certain weekend all weekend since I would be out of town. He agreed (we really arent on a schedule just when I need him to take the kids he does and he asks to get them here and there).

I kept getting my things for work and he kept sitting and chatting about this or that. He sat that much longer than I expected him too even as I was in and out of rooms he sat there an chatted and waited for me to come back to living room.

I made sure not to pitty him and just listen and was super up beat and looked pretty. Actually I was thinking maybe he was waiting for me to bring up the D or he just wanted see me??? He watched everything I did including how I put on my shoes or packed my lunch.. It was odd for him since he wouldnt stay in the same room with me the day before.

It wasnt until I went in to tell the kids goodbye and kiss them that he got up from the couch. I didnt change my mode at all from the night before Im trying to keep up beat and look happy.

He and I havent touched in weeks and that last touch was me asking to hug him because he was crying. The last time we were intimate was a week before he moved out over a month ago. When things were still being "worked" out...Otherwise I stay away from him and he pretty much does the same. I do catch him occasionally calling me babe etc.. I dont say anything like that I call him by his name and dont say ILY any more.

I know it is a roller coaster and that he may do things to get reactions out of me. I am doing my darndest to keep myself in check and not to react or show him he is getting to me.

**Before I sent this my MIL called me..

Apparently she called my H this weekend and reemed him on not seeing his kids. She sent him text messages that he shouldnt be putting a girl or friends before his kids. He got mad and told her i will stop talking to "ya'll" if you dont quit accusing me. She did clarify that it was just her talking but that made me wonder..

Does he think I am at the root of all of our family calling him? I had nothing to do with that conversation.. Maybe that is why he wouldnt look me in the eye on Tuesday..
_________________________
______________________________________
H:32
W: 35
M- 11
Tog- 13
D-5
S-9
Sep. June 5th
Bomb 6/27/11
OW Discovered on July 18th and admitted....
Divorced 11/22/2011
Ex Engaged to OW Jan. 2012

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#2166050 - 07/06/11 10:37 AM Re: Is filing for D a 180? [Re: luvmyhubby]
luvmyhubby Offline
Member

Registered: 05/02/11
Posts: 79
Soo another question has popped in my head today.. I am not texting or talking about R with my H. I am only focusing on the kids and financials and doing good about that.

However my other family members and his too are calling him and talking to him about things. Things that are making him mad and or cry.. These are not my doing at all ..

Do I acknowledge this to him or the fact that I have nothing to do with them? Or should I just let it be and hope that he figures out it isnt me?

I dont want to be crucified for something im not doing..

Just wondering.
_________________________
______________________________________
H:32
W: 35
M- 11
Tog- 13
D-5
S-9
Sep. June 5th
Bomb 6/27/11
OW Discovered on July 18th and admitted....
Divorced 11/22/2011
Ex Engaged to OW Jan. 2012

Top
#2166646 - 07/08/11 01:25 PM Re: Is filing for D a 180? [Re: luvmyhubby]
luvmyhubby Offline
Member

Registered: 05/02/11
Posts: 79
Today I am doing good.. I havent had any R talk in almost 2 weeks since he told me he wanted a D. I think he is getting curious becuase he keeps messing up about picking up the kids etc.. He doesnt show up on time and it makes me late for work but I dont gripe or anything I just take care of the kids.

I will call him to talk about the kids and he acts like he is getting prepared to talk about our R. Then I dont i only mention the kids etc.. He seems surprised..

I have an appt with a realtor which i told him about so hopefully I can get my house sold. This will remove the connection between my mom and also him having to pay the house note.
So I can make choices for me and not be stuck.. It benefits him to have me stuck i believe.. Our conversations seem cordial but they have been always so i am just living for me and the kids.

I cant read too much into his responses..
_________________________
______________________________________
H:32
W: 35
M- 11
Tog- 13
D-5
S-9
Sep. June 5th
Bomb 6/27/11
OW Discovered on July 18th and admitted....
Divorced 11/22/2011
Ex Engaged to OW Jan. 2012

Top
#2167119 - 07/11/11 02:36 AM Re: Is filing for D a 180? [Re: luvmyhubby]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
I agree with your friend. I would not bring up the "dating" topic. I would only suggest having an answer in case it were brought up.

It sounded like you did a great job "acting as if" when he was over there while you got ready for work. Truly... I'm just any other guy and if there's a woman who is almost half naked getting ready in front of me... Unless it's a relative... I'm gonna be paying attention to that person... but who knows why he appeared attentive to what you were doing or "how"... At least he appeared to "be there" in the conversation. That's always a plus.

I wouldn't worry too much about the "y'all" comment. If he has some issue about that, it's his problem. If you are not complaining about his time with the kids, then he's just making stuff up in his head that he has to work through.

There's nothing for you to apologize for regarding what he may think you have a hand in. As much as it sux, if you acknowledge that you are aware things are being said to him that upsets him, he will think you have something to do with it. Even if you say you don't. So your doomed if you do and doomed if you don't. You're probably best to just leave it be.

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