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Boy, I wish I knew what to tell you. I am so sorry your ex chose to stain her marriage vows by dating before your divorce was final. In my profession, that'd cost me my job. You're either married or single. Separation is still considered being married. Sorry.

I think when it comes to rebounds, a person has to know that he is "over" his ex spouse and must know what he did wrong to cause the marriage to fail. He must correct those things.

At only the first stage of things myself (sep agreement pending submission to the judge, hopefully next week), I have a long, long way to go yet. But those are my thoughts.

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Originally Posted By: txjet
Kids aren't an issue for me, since fathers "never" get custody in my state. But what about finding a woman who puts her husband first (as she should, based upon my Christian beliefs)? Is that a reasonable expectation? Part of the problem I'm facing now is that stbx puts kids and hobbies way ahead of me on the priority list...


Hola Txjet ~

While I understand what you're saying about putting the spouse first, I think you might see things differently after a divorce. For me, my daughter is #1. If someone can't treat my daughter right, he doesn't rate in my book.

I agree that once a couple is established, the husband and wife should put each other first, which will teach their children how they should be treated and how they should treat others. However I think (at least for me) it's about my Peanut and myself. If someone treats me good, that's great but he has to show me his real worth in how he treats my daughter.


....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am
I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon
~ Avril Lavigne ~
..."Nobody's Fool"...

me=ok /D'd since 7/07
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Originally Posted By: *KS*Chick*
Originally Posted By: txjet
Kids aren't an issue for me, since fathers "never" get custody in my state. But what about finding a woman who puts her husband first (as she should, based upon my Christian beliefs)? Is that a reasonable expectation? Part of the problem I'm facing now is that stbx puts kids and hobbies way ahead of me on the priority list...


Hola Txjet ~

While I understand what you're saying about putting the spouse first, I think you might see things differently after a divorce. For me, my daughter is #1. If someone can't treat my daughter right, he doesn't rate in my book.

I agree that once a couple is established, the husband and wife should put each other first, which will teach their children how they should be treated and how they should treat others. However I think (at least for me) it's about my Peanut and myself. If someone treats me good, that's great but he has to show me his real worth in how he treats my daughter.


Understand your reasoning, but bottom line is that what we agree upon: once the marriage is established, husband and wife put each other first. This is one issue that has plagued my marriage. Wife has child from previous relationship whose dad never was involved in her life. It was just my wife and her daughter for a few years before I came into the picture. I believe wife expected things to be the same with our two youngsters. Wife more involved with them, and with her friends/hobbies particularly after our second child. This has driven a bigger wedge in between us and caused lots of resentment. Wife swears there's no post-partum depression, but refuses to have an evaluation done...

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Why do you think it's post-partum depression?


....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am
I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon
~ Avril Lavigne ~
..."Nobody's Fool"...

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It is a blessing and a curse to be the LBS- a blessing in that often we find the strength and resolve to analyze every aspect of ourselves and our M, read books, see IC, seminars, et, etc.

We are burdened by having not re-written the hx of the M, nor having the willingness to seek out OP immediately...often the WAS has that headstart.

It's comforting to look at the rebound as a band-aid for WAS- but it is misleading at best. It would be nice to see WAS take some time and figure things out or deal w/ being alone- unfortunately any R beginning soon after S or D, or even while still M (like in my case, WAW w/ OM2)- it is such a blow to the ego and a shot against the M.

Have I hoped for their R to crumble? ABSOLUTELY. Is WAW over me? POSSIBLY. IS it too soon for her to be in a R? IDK.

She's been out of the house for 1 month to "figure things out." Immediately she's involved w/ OM2.

WTF?! None of my business- do I want to jump into something- not really...I want to get over her and the HELL I've been through the last 6 months.

I would have loved to have been the WAS- it will just take us a bit longer to get there is all.

Hugs to you all


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A few months ago, I tried dating. I had met this guy over the summer, and after pressure from a friend, decided to go out with him. I recognized fairly quickly that it was not a good situation. He told his family immediately, began making plans to move closer to me, wanted to meet my daughter. I literally dated him, if you can even call it that, for a week. I learned he carried a gun (legally), drank too much, used the foulest language in the course of general conversation. And then he started making "future" plans, and I called it off.

I think I am at the point where I really just have no interest in dating at all right now. Although there are time when I am lonely, I am just really getting to know myself now. I know my D has only been final for oh about 24 hours, but I cannot imagine I am going to get back out there anytime soon.

I also have a teenage daughter at home, and I need to think about her welfare before I introduce someone else into the mix. Although I know she would be okay with me dating, I am not okay with me dating, and for that reason, I know I am just not ready.

The biggest thing, though, is that I am comfortable with that decision. I will not allow anyone else to pressure me into dating again.


Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..

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My plan to avoid a Rebound, which I've repeated ad nauseam on my and others' threads (and just today to LolaL), above
Originally Posted By: Gardener
consists of something I read or heard once: go through one cycle, one year: one Valentine's Day, one Birthday, one Anniversary, One Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's and so on alone. No Relationships. Although my X abandoned our home 16 months ago and told me she wanted a D in May, ...and I've already been alone for well over a year now, I've decided that my One Year No Rebound Plan began on D Day, 2/09/10.


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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so then you don't subscribe to the "one year for every 5 years of marriage" or the "one month for every year of marriage" rules? they all sound rather arbitrary to me! I'd agree, tho--at least one cycle, one year.


M60
H52
D20
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09
xH remarried (not OW) 2012
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Originally Posted By: hoosiermama
so then you don't subscribe to the "one year for every 5 years of marriage" or the "one month for every year of marriage" rules?
Nah! Ppffftt!!!! I ain't getting any younger.

Although, on the bright side, today I am younger than I'll ever be again! grin


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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Originally Posted By: Gardener
Originally Posted By: hoosiermama
so then you don't subscribe to the "one year for every 5 years of marriage" or the "one month for every year of marriage" rules?
Nah! Ppffftt!!!! I ain't getting any younger.

Although, on the bright side, today I am younger than I'll ever be again! grin

that's pretty much how I feel, too. while I'm in no serious hurry, I'd like to find someone to love and be loved by while I can still remember his name.


M60
H52
D20
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09
xH remarried (not OW) 2012
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