XYZ is here, but I won't be staying...

[XYZ]

I hear you guys and this all makes so much sense. Here's my problem (as if I could narrow it down to one! ha!).....

My W and are still separated (and BTW, I DO think that was a good thing. Some will disagree, but in my case I don't think we would have moved in the right direction without the space. She was too pissed and couldn't see past it with me there.) We agreed that I won't come home for until we're well on the way in this process. Fine. She doesn't want to change the schedule and confuse the kids (i.e. no dating, no extra time with me over there, no dinners with them over here, etc. That means small steps are hard, and there's a BIG step looming (her being ready for me to come home and telling me that). That means the normal approach of gradual over a long time won't work here. We have to be verrrrrrrrrrrry gradual and then a take BIG jump.

Tomorrow night is "family" dinner night. That night last week was the start of the un-bombing process over the next couple of days. I'm 100% convinced that that timing happened because of the attitude I took into that dinner. I need to get my head out of my rear right now so that tomorrow night I just might be confused with Don "XYZ" Juan.

[XYZ]

I meant to mention.....The first big step is for us to start MC. She told me last week that she would select a counselor. I have veto power. On Friday she told me that she would email some colleagues (since she's in the field of work) over the weekend for referrals. I'm not going to mention it until she does. I want to see how long it takes her to select a counselor. She is super busy at work, but if it were me I would have chosen 10 within a day. If she can't find one within a week or two, I will start to question her commitment. The question will be what I do with that.... On the other hand, if she selects one soon, I will take that as a really great sign since I'm not pressuring her at all on it.

I'm hoping/praying that she gives me some options in the next day or two. I know I shouldn't set deadlines, but come on....it's just a couple of phone calls....

[XYZ]

I remember reading Sandi say one time that when she came back, the first step for her was "to be willing to be willing" - that came before being "willing" to come back. I was confused by that before, but now I think I understand. I think what my W has really said to me is "the only thing that has changed, is I'm open to trying". The current facts are the same, she's just open to changing those facts in a positive way instead of only a negative way. I MUST NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO GET AHEAD OF HER....

[Harrier]

X

A quick Q. How have you handled telling family members? If at all?

My w's parents are totally in the dark. My family knew there were issued in Nov. My bro probably knew the most.

Right now i'm at my in laws house. I love them to death and they feel the same. It's tough on me reminders of my W and better times everywhere.

[XYZ]

Everybody knows. When we were sep last fall, it's with my parents that I stayed for 11 days. So, my (her's as well) immediate family (parents and siblings) have known of problems all along. That was it until a few weeks ago.

A few weeks ago, I got a strong head of "moving on" and changed my FaceBook status to single. Nobody noticed. About a week later, my W changed her's (and totally blocked me! A little one-up-man-ship.) Well, cat was out of the bag. My email went crazy with family asking what's up. I explained.

Well, last week after talking, I joked with W, "can I be your FB Friend again?" She made a big deal out of "re-friending" and then "re-marrying" me on FB. So, now the whole family is in on drama. They are all being respectful and not pushing, but all praying.

[XYZ]

Weird. A week ago today (tonight actually) all the positives started. That was Tuesday with the ultimate culmination on Thursday night. Since then, very quiet. No real change at all, in fact little action at all. I guess that's normal. Take a step forward, wait and judge before the next step. I guess that's cool, but come on honey I'm ready for the next step now....

[XYZ]

Oh boy. Ever have one of those conversations that you knew were GOOD, but were really hard and therefore you feel like crap anyway? That's rhetorical. I know you all have.

Just had dinner with W and kids. After eating did what is turning into a trend and sent the kids to play video games. Had a really good, heartfelt and very difficult conversation. We talked about the upcoming therapy process. I did good listening. Lots of eye contact. Good discussion. Remember, my wife actually is a therapist (although she doesn't work with couples.) I asked her if I could ask some of her professional opinion just so I could get my head straight about expectations. She was happy to help. First, I asked what her confidence factor was because earlier in the conversion she had used the word "if" a couple of times. She said "very high". She went on to say that she was "totally committed" and very "hopeful" but this process would be long and very difficult. I told her that was great, because if she had said "oh I give us 1 in 10", then I'm not sure I could do that. She said "oh no, it will be very difficult and a lot of work, but I'm committed and hopeful. I'm not looking forward to the process but I am looking forward to the results of it." She commented several times that we have 11 years of "stuff to deal with. It will take some time."

I told her that I knew nobody knew how much time but in the ballpark did she think weeks, months or years. She replied months. I asked if she thought I'd be home by the end of the year. She said she wasn't sure. I told her that I was fully committed and not rushed but just need to get my head around what to expect. I said "if I'm thinking 2 weeks and you're thinking 2 years, that would be a problem." She understood.

I asked about time together. She replied that that would evolve as therapy progresses and we have the tools in place to make the most of it. I agreed. That makes sense to me.

She talked about how her brother was asking if she was sure she wanted to do this and he was concerned about her. Sorta pissed me off. He's the guy that has been my BIL for 10 years and it's like he's trying to talk my W out of staying with me. WTF? He even told her that "he'd probably kick my a$$ if he knew I was saying this". She told me he was just trying to protect her and I understood. Still pissed me off, though.

I have come to the realization just now that after 10 months of this, I'm only half way through. I have at LEAST 6 more months to go. God give me the strength to make it.

[XYZ]

I feel just whooped. This is the best my sitch has been in nearly a year. No doubt about that. But months more to go. Intellectually, I know that's nothing. If I gave up I'd have months of divorce proceedings. Then months (years?) of healing. Then dating. Then relationships. Then marriage. That would be years - several at least.

So, 6-9 months to be back with the woman I love sounds like a drop in the bucket. She's committed. She's highly confident. We're building something better than we've ever had before. But I'm exhausted and deflated. In the morning I'm going to pick my self up and get started on that 6 month journey but right now I want to just cry in a beer.

[XYZ]

Just sent W a TM: "You are worth the effort. I love you and look forward to a lifetime of loving you."

Her: "As are you. I love you, too."


That helps. I think this process would be so much easier on me if I was a home. That'll be a mid-term goal for me.

[Harrier]

I'm happy for you X.

Really,