XYZ is here, but I won't be staying...

[XYZ]

W just now: "I don't mind you coming to dinner with us after D's karate class" (this is a weekly event).

Me: "Maybe, we'll see"

W: "Up to you"

Me: "Ok, thanks"

I'm thinking: can't accept all the invitations. It was funny, because this week after D's karate class, W & kids get into her car to go to dinner. I get in my car. We drive in the same direction (which just so happens to be the opposite direction from my apartment). They turn off and I keep going - we honk at each other as I pass them. It was totally obvious that I wasn't going home. I'm sure that fact wasn't lost on her.

For 8 months, I chased her. I tried not to, but in retrospect, I did. Now I'm really not and she's Starting to chase me...

[XYZ]

Really missing W today. I had the kids Fri night and all day Sat - dropped them off this morning. Had a great time with them. Was happy and fun when I dropped them off today; didn't stay too long.

W asked me last week if would go to dinner with them after D5 karate class on Tuesday (her actual words were "I don't mind if you come with us".) At the time, I replied "maybe, we'll see" Yesterday told her that "yes, I'll join you guys. Thanks for the invite" She replied "you're welcome. Are you sure you're ok being around me?". I replied "I am". Her: "ok, me too". I guess that's a baby step. I should be thankful, but a little hope is very difficult.

Really tough day today. I miss her so much. I love her deeply. Why would she do this to us?

I'm a pretty fit guy. Exercise 6-7 days a week; generally eat healthy. Size 34 waist. Bought a box of Krispy Kreme chocolate glazed doughnuts today. Ate the whole box in the car on the way home from the store -- about 5 minutes.

I'm not crying but I feel like if I let it go I could flood my whole apartment in minutes right now.

[XYZ]

I'm going to work out. I have doughnuts to burn. lol....

[XYZ]

W just had kids call me. Normally, I call them before bedtime. Chatted with kids then W gets on the phone. Very nice. She says they are very tired and will most likely go to bed early and she wanted them to call me first. That's great, but what's even better is that she hasn't done that before, in fact about a week ago I called at my normal time and the were already asleep having gone to bed early. Also, she was very nice on the phone. We chatted for 2 or 3 minutes (I was upbeat and fun) and then I ended the call (first!). That's all good...

Just scared if I let myself get hopeful again. Been so hard to be hopeful and then not and then hopeful then not. I feel like a fighter all black, blue, and bloody trying to decide if he can go one more round in the hopes of getting the victory. Mouthpiece in. Cup on. Gloves tight. Let's go. Ding ding.

[Harrier]

A whole Box...Yikes. I'm pretty sure I'd puke that up.

Anywho, sorry your day is rough. I believe that is okay to just let go sometimes. Wasn't it Rosie Greier who sang.."It's alright to cry." (you are about the right age to remember Free to Be You and Me.)

Since you moved out have you had any conversations about the R or do you just avoid it? Not that I'm suggesting one need to take place, just curious.

Her response is kinda strange, at least to me.

I think those who work in mental health offer special challenges to us. I mean they aren't too keen on trying a lot of what's out there because they don't believe in it or are just tired from their jobs.

I'm sure you W's work takes a emotional toll on her (I'm not sure if I asked you what she does exactly)

Does she know exactly why you left/moved out?

[XYZ]

Hey man -

Not really any R talks since I moved. I moved because she told me that she was "dead inside towards me" and wasn't interested in working on the M. I took that as "done done done" and got my own place. That was 6 weeks ago. In hind sight, I see how much I pressured her since coming home from Sep round 1. Didn't mean to, but I did. Since that I really got myself in the mindset that it was over and felt it. I stood up to her (not just "yes, dear"-ing everything she said). I've called her on Crap Behavior ("I will respond to your messages when it's convenient to me") and I went pretty close to dark. All of that is what got a reaction from her. Too bad it took me getting to the place that I was done.

So in the vein of do more of what works and less of what doesn't, I'm keeping all that going, but slightly nicer - I give her a chance to talk to me whereas a couple weeks ago, I didn't even to that (i.e. before if she got on the phone I just said "ok, bye". Now it's more like "hi" and let her talk for 2 or 3 minutes before I end the call). We'll see where we go from here. My lawyer is on vacation this week, so that's good. I was thinking I may stall that a week or two anyway and just see what happens.

As for her career - yeah I think that was most of the problem. I believe that this all came to a head when W became depressed as a result of her work (she's a therapist that works almost exclusively with suicidal, teenage girls - and she works 24x7 (I can't tell you how many 2:00AM phone calls from a kid attempting suicide she's gotten) - what a toll after several years of that!). I wasn't there for her - I told her on multiple occasions that I didn't want to hear about her work because I couldn't handle the emotions of what she does. I'm 100% sure that that was the spark (now, I had PLENTY to contribute, that's just what light the wood on fire so to speak). Will she ever acknowledge the role of her work? Doubtful. If given a chance will I be there for her in the future with regards to it? You bet you a$$ I will.

[XYZ]

Managing expectations is so hard. I find myself driving to work this morning thinking "maybe today is the day that she changes her mind." WTF am I doing? I might as well be thinking "maybe today is the day that rich uncle I never knew I had will die and leave me a fortune".

[XYZ]

Someone once said:
"A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."

Over in NewComers, Pickle has this quote. I needed it today. I'm not ready to quit.

I have turned off all my dating profiles. I'm not ready to give up (even though I already did!). I'm back in the fight. W can bite me if she thinks I'm letting "us" die (but I'm sure not going to say that to her, lol!). Now I'm fired up and ready to go!

[XYZ]

Ok, I have a question. As I've said before, I'm not religious, but I am spiritual. I do believe in God and I do believe that God has a plan. Too much has happened in my life for it to have been "accidental". That's just me, I don't judge if you believe differently. Now my question....

I pray often for W's healing, and hopefully, our reconciliation. Sometimes I ask God for a sign to fuel me so that I can keep going and working. Sometimes I feel like I get that sign...maybe it's a ray of sunshine that pops from the clouds just as I ask for a sign. Today, it was a date that cancelled on me seconds after I asked God if I should stop trying to move on and recommit to healing my marriage. Who knows what it could be. Here's my issue, (a) are these really signs or (b) do I make them up in my head because I want a sign? In other words would I just see a red traffic light and say "see God wants me to stop" or a green one and say "see God wants me to go"? Or are they real? It's enough to boggle the mind...

[Harrier]

Ok, I have a question. As I've said before, I'm not religious, but I am spiritual. I do believe in God and I do believe that God has a plan. Too much has happened in my life for it to have been "accidental". That's just me, I don't judge if you believe differently. Now my question....

I pray often for W's healing, and hopefully, our reconciliation. Sometimes I ask God for a sign to fuel me so that I can keep going and working. Sometimes I feel like I get that sign...maybe it's a ray of sunshine that pops from the clouds just as I ask for a sign. Today, it was a date that cancelled on me seconds after I asked God if I should stop trying to move on and recommit to healing my marriage. Who knows what it could be. Here's my issue, (a) are these really signs or (b) do I make them up in my head because I want a sign? In other words would I just see a red traffic light and say "see God wants me to stop" or a green one and say "see God wants me to go"? Or are they real? It's enough to boggle the mind...

I used to believe in some sort of sign, but for the most part I think they are not significant. I'm not super religious and my situation hasn't changed my religious habits like it does to a lot of LBS's here. I mean If I wanted God in my life more, I'd hope I'd want him when times are good, not just when I have a crisis.

But that is just me and if they work for you then there really is no harm in getting some of that encouragement as I see it. I often do jokey stuff like Magic 8-Ball, horoscopes, next song on the radio, etc.

I won't begrudge you the sign seeking.

The only time I did have something close to a religious experience was about 6 years ago. My W and I were having a some difficulty conceiving our first son. So we were trying for a while and we went home for Christmas to visit or families. We didn't tell anyone about the issues.

I was in church on X-mas eve and I was thinking about our problem. I was getting pretty bummed out. So I was just standing there thinking then out of the blue a sense of calm washed over me and I got the feeling I was getting a message that said, "Everything will be alright."

It was strange and it put me at peace with things.

Christmas morning, my W and I are lying in bed at my moms house talking before the madness starts. She looks at me and tells me she pregnant. Everything was alright.

Now I don't know if it was me picking up on unconscious signals from my W, or my psyche's way of dealing with the stress of everything or it really was divine thought.

but in the end, It didn't really matter.