Believe it or not, I respect your W on this. Even with the "affair". (I hate saying that)
Man, she busted you out. She told her feelings. You stated your boundaries. What are you willing to do now? It's your choice.
She's obviously not indifferent towards you.I don't know who you truly are, but she really painted a picture. No she shouldn't have had the affair but at the same time the honesty and where you can be different is a chance in a lifetime.
Personally, I can't give any advice other than Trusting and verifying your own boundary. Don't hold this over her. You had an opportunity to really realize whats important in your life...you chose to fight for her. You decided to change yourself. Can't you "forgive" her if you have "forgiven" yourself. Isn't this the whole purpose as to why you are here? I mean, you have the reality and knowledge of the whole sitch. Will she test you? yeah, but she gave you a 5 mile head start.
Does it mean you have saved your marriage, but you have some deep thinking to do. AND a higher power needs to step in on this one. Thanks for your update and I seriously look forward to your decision. It really comes down to you now.
I'm pondering Denver...need more time to know what I think about all this but it's a good (albeit frightening) move for sure.
I agree fully with trying to go to Retrovaille (we did it after a year of piecing and it actually did more good than I expected. A break through I didn't expect from h happened and that was a big deal for us. Yes, I highly recommend it if she's up for it)
You have identified at least 2 things of great importance.
1) You don't know if you can forgive her although you do know if you reconcile, it has to be dropped for good... That's no small feat. It means letting go of the past, and working "from this day forward"...and if you cannot do it, then she's right. You'll throw it in her face when you fight or hold it over her head in some way, OR she'll think you will...which is just as destructive.
2) The other thing is you're not sure you want to be with her anyhow. You rightly and honestly say it might just be about winning. Wow, good insight.
I sort of identify in that at one point I had to ask myself if the reason I wanted things to work with my h were simply b/c I had spent so much time trying/DBing...and I wondered about "bad money going after good", in terms of my life's energy. FWIW, I'm very glad we stayed together.
Your w has so much anger still, that I worry if you two reconcile too soon, or don't get the tools you clearly need, it won't work.
That's all I have for now. Thanks for letting us know the situation.
I'm glad she wants to see your D.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
1) You don't know if you can forgive her although you do know if you reconcile, it has to be dropped for good... That's no small feat. It means letting go of the past, and working "from this day forward"...and if you cannot do it, then she's right. You'll throw it in her face when you fight or hold it over her head in some way, OR she'll think you will...which is just as destructive.
I agree. This is the tough one.
Personally at this time...I would re-read DR AGAIN. Especially the infidelity part. You know what you want and she knows what she wants. Get a DB coach too...what the hell do you have to lose?
Want to be married? To her? Do everything possible to make the right choice. Live life with no regret. Whatever it takes
I was fully expecting a train wreck, but it looks like you were able to avert that. Good job!
You've already got tons of good advice, but there's one thing that struck me...
Originally Posted By: Denver_2010
And there is a part of me that wonders if I did continue to fight, would it be just to win... ... I feel that I have evened the footing between W and I ... that I have gained the high ground so to speak.
This ^^^ attitude may doom your efforts if you are not careful. This is something I used to see in myself, having to take the 'high ground'. It leads to a feeling of superiority and my W could sense that in me.
We have to remember that M is teamwork, not competition. In competitions, there are winners and losers; there is no place for winners and losers in an R.
I can understand your hesitance right now, your feelings that this may be a deal breaker and questioning your own commitment. It might help to read through Jack Three Beans old posts. I did a few days ago and *wow*, did he ever go through h3ll and back for his W.
You might also want to check out some books on A's. Not Just Friends is excellent, and After the Affair was also very good.
BTW, you're already paying it forward by being here and supporting us. Thanks!
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
The fact that she resumed her A with OM has been a blow to what I have worked for here for 6+ months now.
So her choices have blown all YOUR work?
Denver I have said this for a while for you.
You have always been way too focused on your W.
And the outcome. Which was winning?
Your M is over if you say it is and not becuase of any other reason.
I posted to you that OM sitting on the toilet can run your life and then ruin your life.
It is up to you.
What do you really want?
You have read my thread I know. There is a time when we come though this and we feel less weak, and then stronger and then...
Strong enough.
That is the biggest temptation when you feel you have healed from the body blows.
That is not the end game Denver.
There is more here for you IMO.
The best part of this journey.
BUT also the hardest.
It means letting go of old ways of thinking that are comfortable but reinforce wrong choices for you.
Your best thinking got you both here.
Time for something different?
The ONLY question for you right now is
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Then don't let anyone take it from you.
P.S. the other women on FB? It's called life boating Denver. You know when the ship is taking on water and instead of helping bail it out you hop on to a life boat and watch and see what happens. Isn't your W doing the same?
My advice? Deactivate your account. That way you want have to be mind reading W's posts and you won't have the OW for you or your W to worry about.
And it will send her a very strong message.
That is of course if you decide you want to save your M.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
You have received some excellent advice here Denver. One thing that struck me is when your wife said that you slept on the couch for a long time and didnt want sex from her. I dont know the dynamics behind that but I can see why she would feel wanted by the OM. And that she felt that he needs her like you never did.
My W said the exact thing to me although the sex thing was different. I wanted her 3x's per week minimum and she wasnt into it. But I digress.
IMO, the OM was merely a symptom and became a "fix " for her, very very much like a drug. You never gave her that feeling of being worthy and the OM put her up high on a pedistal and made her feel like a Queen. Again, my sitch mirrors yours as the OM in my W's life does EVERYTHING for her and she feels superior to him. She admitted that to me once in a moment of weakness.
So again, IMO, and I hate to say this Denver cause I have grown to like you alot; you kinda made your bed in this marriage and drove her away. Doesnt excuse the affair but it is understandable to some degree.
As for her going back to him, Its like trying to kick that drug. You know its bad for you but it makes you feel good for the time being. I cant guarantee you this , but Ill bet she felt like crap almost everytime after she had relations with him. She was fighting an internal battle like many junkies do, but she seems to be on the right track now.
As for you and forgiveness. What does it matter that she had sex with him a few more times? She wasnt really with you yet. Forgive her for real and IF this is what you REALLY want because you love her and NOT because its about WINNING, then a few more romps in the hay mean NOTHING. Absolutely NOTHING.
NEVER bring it up again, almost like you are just meeting her for the first time and she had relationships before you met her. I think that is the MINDSET that you must have to navigate this.
25 is right, IF you EVER bring it up again, then you are verifying her worst fears that you will never be free of this.
YOU are in a great spot now DENVER, if you love her, give her space and she will come back. I feel it.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
1) You don't know if you can forgive her although you do know if you reconcile, it has to be dropped for good... That's no small feat. It means letting go of the past, and working "from this day forward"...and if you cannot do it, then she's right. You'll throw it in her face when you fight or hold it over her head in some way, OR she'll think you will...which is just as destructive.
Here is where I see cause for concern. I mean Denver made a goal/vow to not bring up OM to himself and to the board. What did do? Keep bringing up OM.
I don't want to be a buzzkill, but just telling her that he won't bring up OM in a fight in the future is meaningless to her. I'd start showing her NOW. No OM talk ever. You aren't talking to a jury, you can't talk your way into making her believe.
But more to the point. You have to forgive her for YOURSELF. Because regardless of whether you want the M, if you don't deal with it - other than anger- it will follow you around the rest of your life. Without forgiveness you will never let it go.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Denver - All I have to say is that I am a little jealous. I would love to have STBX be that open with me instead of her usual half truths and crap. I don't know where you should or will go from here, but that conversation is something many of us will never have. So...be damn proud of yourself.
