Walking in Muskeg III

[Queen_of_Swords]

Yes I have been going in circles with this. Hope is a funny thing. If you have hope you keep trying, even if the odds are long. If you've got the personality of a Jack Russel terrier you hang on even if you feel your teeth are going to be pulled out.

So you see anger. I call it resignation to the inevitable. This little epidsode today (still trying to DB by doing something different than what I have in the past) showed me just how done he is.
I held out hope for a reconciliation for a long time. Guess that makes me stupid in your eyes. Oh well. I gave it everything I had and more.

It's time to face the music, write a new will and living will and get this separation/divorce completed legally.
He will not even try. He's still running, dodging, weaving and avoiding. He gave conflicting signals during all this time, but I think today was confirmation to me that my interpretation of his actions wasn't about conflict for him, but for myself.
I deserve way better treatment, love and affection and so do our kids.

Perhaps I can find someone that is willing to serve as a better male role model/father than what they have in him, their love for him notwithstanding.

[Queen_of_Swords]

The really funny/ironic thing is I think I have a number of counselling sessions left.

[♪CS♪]

Guess that makes me stupid in your eyes.

Sorry you took it that way, not my intent AT ALL.

I just still see you on the roller coaster.

Your emotions tied to what your H does or doesn't do.

If it is truly time for you to pull the plug and pursue D, no one will think less of you. We all have our breaking point.

Just curious, what will you take from all of this? Who were you before? Who are you now?

[Queen_of_Swords]

Guess that makes me stupid in your eyes.

Sorry you took it that way, not my intent AT ALL.

I understand that may not have been your intent. It is my interpretation given the comment about going in circles. This isn't an easy process to go through and yes I waffle, but each day I seem to be getting closer to saying to h3ll with it. Even considering how much as I love and still care for H.

I just still see you on the roller coaster.
Your emotions tied to what your H does or doesn't do.
Perhaps I am to some degree, some days are better than others.

If it is truly time for you to pull the plug and pursue D, no one will think less of you. We all have our breaking point.

I think the problem is "I" will think/feel less of me. Which may be is what's giving me so much trouble in letting go and walking away.

Just curious, what will you take from all of this? Who were you before? Who are you now?

I was a driven, emotionally volatile, loud, severely anxious, people pleaser, perfectionist who thought mainly in black and white.

I am now a calm, thoughtful, relaxed individual (most of the time) who's learning people pleasing and perfectionism adds to my stress and anxiety and was making me physically ill. I don't have to "fix" things/people or their problems, and my value should not be vested in what I can do or how I perform for others. I now more easily see shades of grey. Of course I'm far from perfect and I backslide on occasion.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Journaling -

Mrs. Doubtfire was on TV and the kids were watching it. I could not sit through it, hits to close to home even though no one was a walk away in that story.

There is so much emotional and physical distance between H. and I,(and not just from his end of the equation), I'm no longer sure it can be bridged. As a WAS/MLC'er he doesn't want to work on "us" and he's done next to nothing to work on his own issues because he's alright and I'm the one that's messed up.

So...

I have some empathy for H. but I no longer feel about him the way I used to. On some levels I feel used.
I'm still grieving for myself and the kids and feeling the loss of so many things.

I realised this week my H. has been telling me for most of our marriage what he thought I wanted to hear, or said nothing at all. Probably for the last twenty years and after the intoxication of new love wore off.

That's the unspoken bargain he made with his parents as a child: I will say anything and do what you want if you stop hurting me and love me. It's a bargain he transferred to me.
H never really trusted me enough to tell me the truth about his innermost needs, wants, hopes, dreams or desires. He viewed me as a dangerous person and potential persecutor to trust with those.

That's a loss, because I believed our marriage was based on honesty and trust as well as love.

As for me my unspoken bargain was: I will do anything, I will anticipate all your needs/wants/desires, be anything you need me to be if you love me.

In doing that I lost me and stopped developing a personality of my own, becoming whatever the adults or people in authority in my life required. I transferred that unspoken bargain to H. and, just like my parents, I could never live up to their expectations. It wasn't enough, good enough...I wasn't good enough ( because he couldn't/wouldn't tell me the truth ) and I ended up betraying myself.

Another loss to grieve.

Now I'm starting over. Things that I believed were solid truths to base a life on and the things I thought were true about me, about others and the relationships I have with others is based on lies.

I've been spoonfed a lot of lies. Now I'm identifying them and foundation of my life has been ripped out from under my house of sense of self.

I am now figuring out what it is I want and need, and just plain reexamining my whole life, value system and relationships.

I'm not sure H. will be the one to stand beside me in the future.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Journaling
Feel really frustrated, caught in a swirling vortex I can't beg, claw, or force my way out of.
Nothing much seems to change in my R, except it's still swirling the drain. I guess I'm just waiting for the bath water to run out.
Not much I can personally do about my situation but endure or get over the fear, get angry and start filling out divorce papers myself. Either way I lose. Neatly trapped.

I am so tired and empty. Tired of having my needs unmet. Tired of having a husband that's part of my children's lives but not mine. Tired of being alone and responsible for figuring out what to do and doing it. Tired of being lonely, no matter how I try to GAL, work on my own garbage, and keep my head above water financially.

I am numb where H. is concerned. Truth I don't want to feel anything. Not joy, not pain, not empty.

[Lorie1964]

I am right there with you!!! It must be in the air!!

(((HUGS))

[punkin]

Scylla,

We all have those days. Days of despair, anger, remorse, all the bad emotions. But they are your emotions, so it is healthy to let them out, I believe.

You said some powerful things on May 14th. I read and have pondered them. Most of them are emotions I recognize and empathize with completely. But the very telling of them, of being able to recognize and verbalize those deep feelings is a sign of your own inner strength. Whether or not your H returns, you will come out of this interlude of your life SHINING.

Or, in American terms "Some days you feel like a nut, some days you don't" LOL

((HUGS)) Scylla

[Queen_of_Swords]

Thanks Punkin.
I'm just slogging through it all best I can, even if the muskeg pulls and sucXs off my rubberboots doing it. ;-)

[Queen_of_Swords]

Journalling-
Not much going on. H. met the kids and me to buy new clothing for the kids and for lunch. He was thrilled with the bargains. We had a pleasant time. We arguedmildly about payment for the stuff. He was quick to whip out the credit card. I wrote him a cheque for half. He's still as distant as ever.

I'm still in no woman's land. Emotionally used up, running on fumes and not caring much about what he does or does not do anymore. I just roll with it, take care of my end of things and keep doing the work on me for me.

I know I'll be ok if nothing else.
I'm not waiting anymore for him to make up his mind about us. There is no us and hasn't been for a while. Two solitudes.

I think I've resolved an inner conflict I've been having about "dating".
That piece of paper called our marriage license only has the weight I give it. I've accepted I love my H. and probably always will, but he doesn't want or love me anymore. Someone else can though, and I'm open to that possibility.

I've forgiven him for his actions in my head, my heart still grieves. That's ok, eventually it'll go away.