2/14/2003 - H moves back in after I successfully DB through him leaving due to unhappiness and my A. 12/12/2007 - H moves from Chicago to Seattle for a job. I stay home to sell the house and we live apart for almost 8 months. During this time he gets friends (didn't have any before), works out and gets in shape and becomes happier with himself. 10/??/2009 - H suggests we see an MC after we have been discussing on and off the frustration at our lack of fire in the bedroom. We go 4 or 5 times and H brings up D if we can't fix this. I freak out since I think the rest of the M is good - he thinks on it and decides that yes we should stay together. We have a renewed vigor. 12/??/2009 - H brings up the idea of having kids. We try to get pregnant for 8 months and finally conceive. I miscarry in month 3. 4/16/2011 - H drops the bomb after a day filled with future plans and after I'd fallen asleep in bed. He spends the next days avoiding the house at all costs. 4/21/2011 - I leave for my parents for 2 weeks. I go completely dark for a full 7 days at the end. H starts splitting our things and sends me a financial split suggestion for the D. 5/5/2011 - I come back and things are uncomfortable in the house. H makes himself available for talking and we do R talks. Of course this is not helping as he is so defensive at this point. H and I tentatively agree to a financial split. I'm supposed to be going through the house selecting what things I want.
So that's where we are right now. As people suggested in the last thread and my own goals state, I need to stop the R talks with H. I need to try and make this house less uncomfortable for him to be in right now.
I have a few major problems though, (1) He's not expecting me to stay too long. He thinks I'm going to go through my things here and then go move on with my life wherever that takes me. (2) Moving on with my life is hard here in Seattle where I have few friends, no job, etc. (3) He's familiar with DB and all the practices and books, etc. He is convinced that while we can work on things, it only band-aids the real root problem of our lack of chemistry to put it briefly.
People in the last thread suggest I embrace the sensual side of myself. I guess I'm not sure what all that means? Flirting? What else? What things can I do when the last thing he wants to do is be in the same room with me or have me flirt with him, etc. Suggestions!?
As far as embracing your sensuality goes, I'd suggest this is primarily an attitude. I don't recommend being flirty with your H right now because he's likely to see that as pursuit.
In my experience confident women, comfortable in their skin, no matter what their looks, are very attractive. When they feel good about themselves, they radiate. It reflects in the way they walk, the way they smile and they have a general openess that is very winning.
I suggest you start by re-building your confidence and think about a dance class to help you ground yourself in your body. There are some good resources out there to help women get in touch with their 'inner goddess', I imagine Seattle might even be one of the better places for it, lol.
I'm suggesting you do this for you, to feel more comfortable with yourself and don't focus at all on your H. Believe me if you get that open, confident walk that says 'here I am', the gentle twinkle in your eye that says 'I like myself and I'm not sure you can handle me'and an open smile, he'll notice without you having to say a word to him.
Talked with a DB coach today. Very excellent job at steering me right on track and getting to the real root of the issue & the real actions that are going to make this work.
I'm going to recapture that girl he fell in love with both when we met and in 2003. The one that was confident, sexy, enthusiastic, assertive and interesting. And of course we do this by... GAL. It's really tough as I can clearly see how the depression is affecting me in this matter and how it has been holding me back. I'm really resistant even in my own mind to doing things. But I pushed through it today. I signed up for a bunch of things on meetup.com (if it's available in your area, try it out) and I'm going to a few events this week. I'm also pinging my one friend here to see if she wants to do any of this too.
I'm back to my workouts with my personal trainer today now that I'm back in town. I don't have a lot of energy because I'm not eating but I really did come out of there with a more positive attitude - part of it was a choice and part of it was probably the exercise so that was good.
In general I'm feeling a bit more empowered today and that's what it is all about. I'm also very tired and have been the past few days. I think I'll take a nap and then start cleaning up the house... and make sure I'm doing that when H gets home with a SMILE on my face and a happy attitude.
Edmond Dantes, thanks. You are dead on. I can do all that. Zumba is pretty popular out here so I might give it a whirl because it sounds fun.
I'm glad to hear you sounding so well! Exercise is a great source of endorphins and all it takes is 12 minutes of elevated heart rate to kick in. Good for you.
I can sense the attitude I think you're looking for in your last post, truly, I think if you follow that path you will almost certainly attract the love and fun you are wanting.
H sent me some messages today about whether I'd gotten appointments with a C or not & what my plans were. I said we could talk about it at home. I needed to prep myself for the conversation.
When he came home I was busy doing stuff - cleaning, etc. I tried to keep upbeat and matter-of-fact during the conversation. I told him that I didn't know what my plans were and I didn't know how long this was going to take me to figure it out. He isn't happy with the ambivalence but he understands that I have huge decisions to make.
I tried to steer the conversation into unexpected areas today, per the DB coach's advice. I smiled as much as possible but it probably wasn't quite as vibrant as it could have been.
Not a surprise but he said he will probably get an apartment now due to the fact he doesn't know how long I'm going to take. I told him I was willing to try to make this home living situation work - if we wanted to schedule time in the living room I would honor any rules set forth and give him his space, etc. He's just so terribly uncomfortable right now and wants out... so I said I understood.
It was basically setting down what I need (time and counseling), validating and keeping a positive upbeat attitude.
He came to talk again. I just listened and validated as much as I could. I know he's frustrated by my lack of a timeline but I just don't know exactly where to go right now.
He doesn't want to get an apartment if he doesn't have to which I understand but he is so terribly uncomfortable being here. He explained to me that it's more about the fact that I can "keep track" of him while he's here - I can hear things through the floors and the walls (him walking, talking, watching tv, anything). He has little privacy. It actually doesn't have as much to do with R talks or anything I'm doing exactly.
This morning he got up early and went to work out. I got up around the time he got back and disappeared so he could have some space. He's so uncomfortable here that he won't even eat here. He treats this as a place to sleep and that's pretty much it.
Well hopefully I threw a little mystery by being out of the house at least. I have a meetup tonight about tantra and women's sexuality - I figured that might be a good thing to work on along with GAL and there just happened to be a work group tonight. Hope it's not too weird!
Actually let me rethink that comment I made about "He treats this as a place to sleep and that's pretty much it.".
He doesn't want to get an apartment for a few reasons. (1) money, (2) the hassle and (3) he wants this house and expects me to leave so he doesn't want to move out only to have to me move out the shortly thereafter sticking him with a long lease. (In our asset split, he gets the house.)
So he has been going up in his room and surfing the web. I'm pretty sure last night he was watching a movie when I went to bed. He does come down to talk to me. I told him if he wanted the living room just let me know and he said "not now but maybe later". He never did ask for it but he's a bit more open to it.
Yesterday I cleaned up his room and moved the rest of his clothes in there along with a small dresser & put all the laundry away. I rearranged the room a bit and moved some stuff out so he would have more room. I unpacked his "to go" bag and just did a lot of little things that I know he likes to have (nailed a clock to the bathroom wall so he can keep track of time when in the shower, made sure he had a power strip and all the plugins for his devices, etc). I knew doing this could possibly backfire but I want him to be comfortable and if he has a "cave", maybe that will help a little. I can't really help the flow of sound in this house though...
I think your meeting tonight sounds wonderful. I imagine even if it's not exactly what you are looking for it may well tune you into something that is your speed.I hope you have some fun and meet some interesting people.
Now, I must say, I think your efforts to make him feel at home are inadvisable. If he is concerned about his privacy, I can't imagine how he's going to feel when he discovers you have gone through and re-arranged his things and room. I understand you were well intentioned but this strikes me as an invasion of privacy.
It sounds to me from your description that you are fussing over him. To a man, this feels like pursuit. I suggest you absolutely stop 'anticipating his needs' and watching his every reaction for clues to his mental state. Stop doing his laundry, asking him what he wants or cleaning up after him. By all means be respectful but don't hang on his every word. Just my opinion.
