I haven’t written an update for about a week now, so I’ve got quite a bit to cover.
I signed up to coach D5’s soccer team. Friday was our first practice…it was a lot of fun.
Last Sunday was W’s 31st birthday. I haven’t done a whole lot for her birthdays in the past (usually just dinner and a gift) so I wanted to make sure it was a special day for her this time. So, as I previously mentioned, I threw her a surprise party on Saturday night.
I arranged for her to go out with a friend for a few hours in the late afternoon so I could get ready for the party. I really went all out for it was literally running around the house to get ready. I made sure I had all her favorite food and drink (lots of which I can’t eat because I can’t have dairy), really making it about her. I decorated the deck with Christmas lights and tiki torches and I blew up about 30 balloons and put them in a tarp up on the roof so we could dump them on her head when she walked through the back door. Everything went perfectly to plan…I actually pulled the surprise off and everyone had a great time at the party. I built a fire in our fire pit and we sat around that until about midnight, when the last couple left. The only bad part of the night was that W and I both went a bit overboard with the wine and both got sick later. W thanked me for the party twice the next day. I really think it meant a lot to her, and I think I did a good job of not having any expectations of reciprocation from her for my effort.
Sunday was her actual birthday. We both had terrible hangovers from the party, so I got up and took care of the kids and made breakfast. I brought it to W while she was still in bed. We spent most of the day taking it easy and recovering. By dinner time we were feeling better. I had a soccer game at 7:00, and around 5:30 W asked me “your game is at 7, right?” I replied “yes, but I can skip it if you want to go out to dinner for your birthday or something”. She said it was up to me, so I called my friend on the team and told him I wouldn’t be there.
I proposed we go to dinner at our old favorite Mexican restaurant in a town we lived in when we first met about 25 miles from our house…it is pretty much W’s favorite restaurant ever. She was excited. We got in the car and left. I have a MP3 disc in my car and it has “Poker Face” on it (don’t laugh), so every time the kids get in the car they want to hear “Poker Face” over and over and over. I told the kids I was getting kinda burnt out on it and they could listen to it just once and then suggested to W that she plug her iPhone in and she picks the music. Once “Poker Face” ended, she did that, and she picked a song, which turned out to be…. “Poker Face”! As soon as it came on she was watching for my reaction…I just started laughing and she was laughing really hard too. I think it was the first time since she’s been back that she joked around with me. Seems like a good thing to me. Dinner was great and then we had a fun ride home.
Monday night I had IC again. 2nd session with my new IC. I’m still not sure about her…she tells me she is amazed by the amount of insight I have into myself and my W. I don’t think there’s really a whole lot she can do for me at this point other than giving me someone to vent to. Although when I do that she tends to start to question W’s intentions, which tends to get me spun up. Fortunately it is about a 30 min drive home from her office so I can process things before I get home. She also brought up the idea that W could attend one of my IC sessions. I’m not sure about that one. Oh well, I’ll keep going…it does help me to vent and I think it is setting a good example for W and showing her that I am not resting on my laurels.
Tuesday night we did our usual Afghan takeout/watch Biggest Loser routine. When Biggest Loser was over, I asked W if she wanted to show me her dress that she’s wearing to the wedding in New Orleans this weekend. Much to my surprise, she said yes. When she came out my jaw nearly hit the floor…she looked great. I told her that I really like it…she complained that she didn’t have a bra that worked with it, as the one she was wearing showed a little bit…I told her that I thought that was hot. She then went back and changed. As soon as she left the room I was overcome by how good she looked in the dress…hard to describe the feeling, but it was good and I really felt happy for her because I think she knew in her mind that she looked good. When she came back we watched TV for a little while longer. While we were watching TV she was sitting closer to me than she has in a long time. Still no touching, but almost. It was getting late so I headed off to bed. On my way out of the room I stopped to tell her that she “really, really looked amazing in her dress”. She got a huge smile on her face and said “thanks”.
Last night I ended up falling asleep in D5’s bed during “cuddle time”. W has been sleeping with D5 almost every night. I woke up around midnight and since I had to get up early for work I moved into W and I’s bed where my alarm clock was and where W was sleeping. Didn’t say anything about it, just got into bed. So I wouldn’t say this was really a positive or negative thing, but at least she didn’t get up and leave or question me being there.
Something else I noticed this past week was that W has asked me for something she wants from me a couple of times. In our past she would not ask me for things and keep her needs bottled up which caused a lot of resentment. I think this is a big positive and I need to be hugely careful about how I respond to these requests...I think it may be the first baby steps toward her taking that first brick out of her wall.
So that’s the highlights of the past week. Still no giant steps, but it has really been quite awhile now since we had a negative interaction of any sort. We are still sleeping in separate beds and there’s been no R talk or physical touches. Part of me fears that we’re getting to used to living this way, but I honestly think we’re both in a much better place emotionally now than we were before the separation. W is going to New Orleans for our mutual friends’ wedding this weekend. She is really looking forward to seeing her old friends there. I’ll be plenty busy with the kids while she’s gone. I am planning to give her a Mother’s day card from me and one from the kids when we drop her off at the airport tomorrow afternoon.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
I'm so happy for you and the progress you've made thus far. Friendship is important, and it seems like friendship is something you and your wife are genuinely working on. Bravo.
Keep it up and keep being one of our sources of inspiration!
Sounds like you are sending her off with good memories, and that's the thing to do. I'm so glad that you were able to pull off the party without any expectations. Plus, when she set close to you, you didn't try to touch her. I know that has to be very difficult, but you are doing what seems to be working. The baby-steps in the beginning seems to be as hard as any giant step could be, but it is just as important too.
Keep up the good work!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Navy, man this sounds good. Baby steps, but it's obvious you guys still have a real connection. Stay focused on the positive brother, it really seems like it's headed in the right direction.
BITS M: 35 W: 27 T 7.5 years M 5 years No kids My EA: 3/08 Her EA: 1/11, discovered 3/11 (ongoing?) ILYBINILY, D mentioned 3/8/11 W at parents house: 4/16/11
Just dropped W off at the airport...it was a little tough on me....probably because of my hopes/expectations. When I dropped her off she gave the kids big hugs and kisses, then walked to the curb. Nothing for me. I stood at the car and D5 rolled her window down to say goodbye again. Then W looked at me and said goodbye, very unemotionally. I told her to have fun and to say hi to all our friends for me. She then said thanks for staying with the kids so she could go on the trip, and then went on her way.
D5 got really upset and cried about how she didn't want mama to go. Brought back feelings of our airport scenes during the sep when I was having to say goodbye to her.
Not too upset now, but W's distance during the goodbye definitely bothered me. I think I handled it ok though.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
Today W sent a text addressed to D5 to ask how her soccer game went. Here's how it went:
W: Hi d5, how was your soccer game?
M: she is taking a nap. The game was good, they had fun. How is new Orleans?
W: fun, but expensive. Glad they had fun at soccer.
M: glad you're having fun. Have a great time at the wedding tonight. Tell B & G congrats for me.
That was it....no reply from her after that.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
W posted some pictures of herself at the wedding last night. Besides looking totally amazing, I noticed something else...she was wearing her ring.
A Good thing, I guess. 1st time I've seen her wear it since December. Pretty sure she won't be wearing it when she gets back though. Like I said before though, I don't expect her to wear it until she is ready to be "re-married".
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
It's a start. She must have felt more comfortable with it on than off. Baby steps..............
FF999
Me 48 W 49 D19, S17, D14 Together 25yr, Married 22yr Me checked-out July 10, back Sept 10 W checked out Nov 10 Separated Dec 10 ILYBNILWY 2nd Apr 11 We're finished + D bomb 17th Apr 11
Had a great weekend with the kids. Lots of soccer.
Monday night I got a random text from W's best friend that she was in new Orleans with. It had a picture of W and read: "here's your beautiful wife. Thanks giving her this weekend and being understanding ;o)"
I replied: "she really looks great. Thanks for the pic and thank you for being such a good friend. Glad you guys are having a great time down there"
Friend replied: "you're welcome! Thanks for being such a great man. Ttys."
I left it at that. Frustrating that W's friend thinks I'm so great but W hasn't said anything like that to me.
W got back last night. She was pretty tired, but excited to see the kids. Didn't seem overly excited to see me though, which I pretty much expected. She did bring me back a cool tshirt from NOLA, which was nice of her. I guess I was maybe hoping that the trip would give her some time to think about us. Hard to say at this point, but W is still not wearing her ring and slept in D5s bed last night, so upon first glance, not much has changed.
Well, back to the grind...looking forward to my IC tonight.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
