As someone in a poster in the 70's once said, "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." Remember the kitten on the poster?
Okay. I go to court for the big D this Wednesday. It's a rainy, lonely Sunday, so I was surfing on the Internet, found my old Journal that I hadn't thought of in a long while. Goes back to last April. Reading where I was, what I thought, prayed for, wished for . . there are no words. My reason for telling you this is, Don't do anything rash, especially if there is any sort of expectation that he will respond to it positively. Give yourself 48 hours and see how you feel then. Protect yourself, by all means, just don't leap before you look.
I'm not planning on doing anything rash or expecting any positive result from this, or my or my kids' agony to end either.
No decision is yet made, I'm still hesitant but I'm oh so very tired of this situation as it stands. I'm tired of H. looking at me as if I'm some bug that crawled out of the flour he was about to bake cookies with and treating me with the same disdain and lack of concern.
I have consulted with a lawyer and informed myself. I know I can't afford to divorce, using a laywer I know I'll lose my butt financially.
Emotionally I can't afford not to divorce either no matter how much additional stress it puts on me in filing the documents myself. H.'s rejection of me as a person is complete in my estimation. If we did not have children, he'd be long gone and I'd not see him for dust.
Why stick by a man who acted like a rank coward and who continues to run and will not address his own wounds, pain, addictions and dysfunction? A man who dumped more responsibility in my lap and doesn't give a flying rip about what it's doing to our kids or anyone connected to us.
As for me, now when I'm with him in any situation I feel dead inside when I look at him or I wonder who the hell he really is and was everything we built an illusion/lie and I hurt.
I'm not asking for solutions here. I'm just telling how I feel. I don't think there are any solutions to that. After this long a separation I don't expect a miracle or a change of heart on his part and mine, well mine is becoming stone.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
I don't know how it works in Canada, but here, the person that files first is usually the person who gets to pay for the divorce. If you feel that is what he is wanting you to do, then by all means don't. Even if you have to build a psychological wall between you and him.
Easier said than done, I know, but, pretend he just isn't there, in body as well as mind. ((Hugs))
If I file all the documents myself it's pretty cheap. We have already met the requirements for an uncontested divorce, with H. being gone for well over a year.
Journaling Looked into summer camps for the kids. One kids fees are going to eat up my earnings from my new job. I know H. is unaware of the bind this will put me/us/the kids in.
Eldest child spoke up in the car today. He's very frustrated with H. for not returning home. We had a short discussion and I encouraged my child to speak to H. The kid feels that his Dad is vulnerable and if he speaks he will hurt his Dad's feelings. I told him that he is responsible for only his own feelings and his Dad as a grown man is responsible for his own feelings as well. I told him his relationship with his Dad is separate from my relationship with him, and it's up to him to speak his mind or hurt himself.
God this is hard.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Journaling- Feeling kind of odd today. I'd use the word detached, I think it's stronger than that. I feel whatever happens I'll be better than ok. Stronger, focused, in control and with those feelings go a "I don't give a rip" about H.'s reaction to whatever I do or say..,at least for now. I refuse to walk on eggshells anymore. I wish he could find his "happy", heal his own damage and garbage in his life. Fact is he won't. He's content to merely exist.
I'm not content the way things are. I want more, and I'm finding my happy, with or without him.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Today I'm feeling that I'm done. I'm working on me, I'm making a decent life for myself without him. The kids are coping reasonably well and know Mum has their best interests at heart, and will not leave them. I am feeling I have done all the DBing I can reasonably do. He's not coming back. I don't want him back as his is now and he's made it clear he is unwilling to make any move to grow and change...as I am the one at fault. He's the victim. Today I tried sending a mildly complimentary/flirty text...no response and I know for a fact he read it. Oh well.
There are lots of people out there that would like my attention and my compliments.
Time to put my energy elsewhere I figure.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
I am not trying to be a smart ass, but these two things do not compute.
Well of course it doesn't compute because of the way I wrote it in non sequential order. LOL The text came first...the feeling afterward. It's just more of the same from H. avoid, deflect, ignore. (sigh)
Quote:
I know I have mentioned this before SC, but what is holding you back from living life for you now?
I also remember you saying you would like companionship, and you cannot do that while your still M. But is that what you need right NOW?
You can decide to firmly close and lock the door at any time.
Do you need to do this to move on and let go?
I can document again all the changes I've made in my life and what I'm doing for me, but I think at this point no one really gives a crap about that but me. Yes I think I need to divorce H. to move on and let go and live my life freely, without feeling I'm cheating on him, or betraying my own values in that area. I meant my marriage vows but my marriage is broken. Perhaps it's fixable, but I can't do the heavy lifting any more. After this long, I'm tired so, so very tired. Oh well nothing I can do about that. A marriage is about two people caring about one another...and he doesn't.
How do I know he read the message? Well messenger has a D function which means the message was delivered but not read, and a R function which means it was seen and read. My message had a little R beside it. That's how I know.
Quote:
Are you one of them? It would be a good start.
Yes I am one of them. Every day I read affirmations out loud to myself in the mirror. I'm freakin' awesome. I feed my soul as best I can for myself by myself.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
SC, I guess I have just seen you go in circles with this for so long now. You’re done, you’re not, you’re done, you’re not.
I also feel like I still since anger in your posts.
My point, and take it for what it’s worth, is that I believe, when you are truly done, all the anger will be gone. Because at that point, what is there left to be angry about?
I guess I just don’t buy the fact that you can send your H a flirty text and “be done” in the SAME DAY.
I wish it was that easy….
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
