The year of not my problem

[DumpedforMIL]

DMIL, it only stops when you decide it stops. When you no longer listen. When you no longer pay attention.
In my state, the wedding ring is marital property. The engagement ring is hers because it was given prior to the union.

according to stbxh, the rules don't apply to him. given prior to the union? so what? he believes that because he paid for it, it belongs to him. doesn't matter when it was given, where, why, how .. doesn't matter. he bought it with his money, then he believes it's his. however, gifts given to him from me are his to keep. where they get this bizarre logic is beyond me.

to him, if i believe these items belong to me, then i must be the biggest f*ggin' gold digger who walked the face of the earth. the more reason to divorce me. is it my fault that the state laws are the way they are? apparently so.

Her anger is incredible. Rage would be a better term. But that's ok. It's not me. I'm not angry. I'm not mad. I'm not defensive. I'm sleepy, but that's different

rage is the correct term. i know exactly what you mean. he's angry with me because of the state laws on divorce. is it my fault they are written that way? he didn't read the rules before dropping the d-bomb. it's like he was hoping that dropping the d-bomb was going to hurt me. only to find out that the divorce laws would not work in his favor and now he hates me even more. as if i wrote the rules!

the division of property was extremely painful. oh the greed on his side .. greed combined with rage. i've never been put through so much pain. whatever i got, was what he did not want and what he wanted to give me. i had no say.

i've been called every name in the book. my stbxh is the male version of your w. and i sit here wondering .. what the heck are you so mad about? you wanted this!

when i do get mad, it's more because he's dragging this out longer than he needs to. if he wanted out, then just get it over with and end it. we have no kids to fight over. the law says i'm entitled to 50% of the home. well .. he says no and he'd like to take it all the way up the chain of court to fight it. he won't stop until i am living in a cardboard box under a bridge.

and like you .. i'm tired. i'm a simple girl who didn't need a lavish lifestyle to be happy. i just wanted my h's love and companionship. that's all. i think i'd make a great partner in crime. the adventures i've had with him were great memories for us. i wanted more of that. but his parents got in the way. drove a wedge between us. and now .. they are instructing him to "finish her!"

[AJM]

Can I say that it is not the parents that are causing this? You already know that the blame lies squarely with him though. His choices. He decided regardless of the direction he got.

Rage? Yep. My favorite so far is her timing. She wanted very little when she moved out. Her lawyer says she got a "pittance" Money? Hasn't been enough for her. The list continues. But know what? There is nothing left to argue over. Now that she is coming closer to letting go of the material, it must be time to fight over the kids. The same ones she left on Mother's day a few years ago. It sounds bitter when I say that, but really I don't feel bitter. I'm disappointed that I have been right so far almost without fail. It's going to get more intense in the next year I'm sure. And my physical safety? I really am concerned. My thought is that now that she has time to focus on something other than her school, that she'll use that time and energy to rage against me. If she doesn't get what she wants from the therapist? Nobody really knows, but I'm guessing that it won't be pretty as well.
The thing is, what I was telling you before. It stops when you make it stop. When you let go and don't let it bother you anymore. When you know it'll happen and you see it happen, but remain calm and mean it.
I really have let all the "things" go. The daily barrage? That's another story. I do feel I have to defend myself, except that my method is that of Ghandi - passively. There is no benefit to working hard at defending myself. What happens happens. But I do have to watch out for the kids well being. I do have to ensure I'm getting them what they need and that they are well taken care of by a parent that cares for them. I believe she cares. I do. I believe she cares for them but that she cares about herself more. I do not believe she is getting the therapist for their benefit. Her emails indicate I'm right that she has an alterior motive.
Ok. It is what it is and I'll deal with it accordingly. Just have to put more energy into defending than I'd really like. But I can see how the next few years will play out.
I am tired. But that's of no consequence really. It just is as well.
Time will tell.

AJ

[DumpedforMIL]

Can I say that it is not the parents that are causing this? You already know that the blame lies squarely with him though. His choices. He decided regardless of the direction he got.

ajm .. for the life of me, i can't seem to see this. it's almost as if i refuse to believe this. you are not the first person to say it .. but it doesn't sink in. and i want to believe you but i feel as if there is a barrier that is preventing me from believing this.

i know that if i do believe this .. i would truly let go. i honestly don't know what it will take.

And my physical safety? I really am concerned. My thought is that now that she has time to focus on something other than her school, that she'll use that time and energy to rage against me.

i don't get it .. why are they (your w, my h) so angry? we didn't ask for this. they started it .. if it doesn't run smoothly or the way they wanted it to be, is it really our fault?

The daily barrage? That's another story. I do feel I have to defend myself, except that my method is that of Ghandi - passively. There is no benefit to working hard at defending myself. What happens happens. But I do have to watch out for the kids well being.

that's very unfortunate. but yeah, i understand the daily barrage. when we were still living together, it was just that .. you never know what you were going home to .. i feared going home. but he convinced his therapist that i was abusive and a threat to his well-being. i walk into the same room as him and i cause his blood pressure to jump .. so i'm a threat. i don't have to say anything .. just my presence is enough to get me labelled as 'abusive'.

be careful if your w pulls that one on you.

[AJM]

ajm .. for the life of me, i can't seem to see this. it's almost as if i refuse to believe this. you are not the first person to say it .. but it doesn't sink in. and i want to believe you but i feel as if there is a barrier that is preventing me from believing this.

i know that if i do believe this .. i would truly let go. i honestly don't know what it will take.

What worked for me when I had those feelings? I realized she is a human being who makes her own choices. I realized she was seeking out people to support her claims. To make her feel sane. I know that. I finally gave myself permission to let go. To allow myself to have failed at singly handedly saving the marriage. Once I was able to give myself that permission, things changed drastically.

Nothing I did caused the marriage to fail. Was I perfect? Heck no. Not by a long shot. But I watched as she tried for a very long time to justify her decisions long after she made them. I still find stuff that indicates why I was so surprised by this. i.e. a valentine's card, or a note from her professing her undying love for me, and so on.

I own my short comings. I'll have more in the future relationships. Ok. I accept that and fully agree with it. But the real change came when I allowed myself to let go.

I haven't been in the same house with her in 10 months. The barrage is more because she has the time to focus on other things outside of her daily grind. For now. And because she wants to villify me and will use the kids to do it. I see that. It's not ok that it's happening, and it's not ok for her to treat me the way she does. But my recourse options are limited, and I'm much more concerned about getting my children what they need. Even at my expense, I'll see to it that they come out on top.
What I find is that recognition of my actions are not as important as I once thought they were. That comes later; sometimes much later. I've seen that. In other words, some of the things I thought were important, are not. I take things as they come and deal with them as needed. Nothing more. Nothing less.
Thank you DMIL. She will try to villify me. I know that. She'll try everything she can to make it my fault. She has since the beginning of all of this. When she fell through the looking glass and decided I was evil incarnate. I am not a victim any longer than I want to be. I choose not to be starting last year

I am not a victim. I could have left at any point. I find that is part of this - that I have "leave" her. I did. I am glad I did. Try it. He may have left first, but you still have to leave him DMIL. It's part of it I think.

AJ

[AJM]

Update:
Ok. On the advice of my lawyer and therapist, I've put in a call to the therapist that the kids were taken to. To introduce myself, to interview him, and to offer any help.
I'm happy the kids are getting somebody to talk to, but I'm not happy that I feel like the stbx is trying to villify me. I did expect it though this is a bit earlier than I expected it by a few months.
Now to the golf weekend.... See y'all next week

AJ

[AJM]

Just venting for a sec:
ARGGGGGHHHHHH
Ok, seriously. I'm starting to think this madness will go on indefinately. Even if I cannot spell very well.
STBX sent an email to me yesterday in response to me asking where my daughter was going to be when she was out of town. Her response? "that you wouldn't communicate with your daughter is incomprehensible to me" WTF? She all but outright accused me of being a physical abuser towards my daughter. No wait, she did. And accused me of being unstable and perhaps needing therapy. And then it's ok for my son to come over but not my daughter? WTF?

There. I feel better about it. I do realize that she is doing what she wants to do - to find a reason to help support her claim of why she left. To support a reason that she is the heroine in this story without having to have the kids - too much. Or too much responsibility. I know. I have much better perspective now than when I started.

We shall see what's next. I'll talk to the therapist tomorrow to see what he is about. I am really praying he's good.

Later,
AJ

[AJM]

Update:
It gets stranger. She sent another message accusing me of having a girlfriend that was hiding two streets over "in a hooded sweatshirt" and sneaking over. I don't know whether to laugh or what? That's not just untrue, it's ridiculous.

So no my antennae are up. I suspect she is gearing up to make an assault (of sorts). Does it never end? I want to be left alone by her!!!!!!!!!

So ends today's venting. Good night folks!



AJ

[AJM]

Update: I spoke to the kids therapist. He seems pretty confident and is not at all concerned that the kids are symptomatic of anything although he did mention that there were some things he'd like them to work on. He also mentioned having me come by at one of their sessions if they decide to continue seeing him. He is going to recommend that they do not need to come back.

I feel better about that. I really do.

Now on to the rest of the story while I get my lawyer to finish up the paperwork. Wheeee.......

AJ

[AJM]

Update:
Hmm... All is quieter now. But she is still uncharateristically unorganized and unable to follow printed directions (not mine - somebody else's).

But at least the emails have calmed down. I suspect she really was fishing for something. Bringing up old and untrue crazy accusations seems weak to me. Lazy almost. I'm almost diappointed in that apparent lack of effort.

Heard from my daughter today. She returne my text from two days ago telling me she really doesn't need anything for her birthday (16). No response to my question since then. I don't expect one either. But I'm watching closely.

AJ


AJ

[AJM]

Update: Odd. Since the weird "I've left my tinfoil hat on the couch" conversation with stbx, she has calmed down towards me. Doubtful that will last long, but I've learned to enjoy the peaks and valleys

Daughter has not responded. Not surprised, but that does hurt a bit in the short term that she missed my 40th birthday and wants me out of her 16th. Just a little - those things aren't but days on the calendar really. While milestones, they are unimportant as compared to her upbringing and eventual release on society.

Happy Easter everyone. Catch you when I can

AJ