Bob - do you realize that there are many forums out there for swingers where you can share stories with others who are happy to swing? Not sure why you are wanting stories of that nature on this forum. Most people here are struggling to have a monogamous sex life within their marriages, but there are so many other forums out there. Maybe try looking for one of those? You'll get all the stories, good and bad, you are looking for, if you just look in the right place.
But the point is that he will not share even a glimpse of my flesh with anyone else. He knows they will be checking me out anyway, but at least he also knows that they will never be able to see down my shirt or too much of my legs. He knows that this is special, only for him, and that I want it that way, too. He isn't inhibiting me. It is my choice to respect his wishes to not share my skin with others.
This is a really interesting point DQ.
I totally get why that's sexy for you. It is for me too - but I really fight it. It's a tough one intellectually (and maybe it's personal to me because I've worked and spent a lot of time in Middle Eastern countries where it's haram for women to be uncovered) but the idea of a man, lover or not, having a say in how I present myself pushes my buttons every time.
It is hot when a man wants you all to himself ... but it also creeps me out when men express that - because the flip side is that he should be secure enough in the relationship and mature enough to respect that it's not something he has a right to have a view on - it shouldn't matter what any other men think because we've taken a decision to have a committed relationship - trust that, or go deal with your possessiveness elswhere... ya know?
It's like women who dress their men, like don't trust them sufficiently to put together an outfit that they can be proud of ... so buy their clothes, or suggest they change when the outfit they've come up with isn't what they perceive is appropriate. Like a mother, rather than a partner. Maybe it's not the same, I'm thinking aloud, but it's still a kind of co-dependency ....
Certainly something for me to think about. Cheers,
v
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Walking...I understand that it may sound that way...but just have to trust me when I say that I really am a sexpot, there are glances and hooting thrown my way everywhere I go, no matter what I am wearing. Therefore, my husband's "boundary" if you will, is that I at least don't show cleavage and extra legs.
I do still dress very sexy though. Great heels or boots, appropriate amount of legs, and hey...big boobs look sexy in a sweater even with no cleavage showing.
You wanted to hear from others involved with swinging?
I'm another one here who's been involved in that kind of relationship, and FWIW- it helped ruined my marriage. My H felt that variety was too important to him, and so he couldn't say that our marriage was the top priority. Also, he tried to convince me of the fact that me not being an excited participant in this was indicative of "self-esteem and confidence" issues. If you want, take a gander at my very first thread here, I talk all about it, it's the story of swinging gone wrong.
Slightly into that first thread, I talk about my he!! night, which is what I call our first swing experience. I feel like a very different person now than when I first wrote that. My friends here helped open my eyes to a very unhealthy marriage, and I finally got the courage to walk away from it over Thanksgiving. The whole thing has really messed me up, and I'm just now working my way out of it. Good luck to you if this what you both really want.
I just happened to wander over here after not having been to this site in quite a while.
Someone asked why I would post things about 3 ways and swinging, etc on a site like this.
Personally, I think that most marriages break up because of the assumption of "fidelity" as the natural order of things if two people love each other.
I have nothing against fidelity, but I do believe that looking at open relationships and/or sharing as a potential lifestyle is perfectly legitimate and a possible solution to a lot of problems.
For a lot of people, being monogamous is just not right. They try to make it right and both h and w suffer. Obviously, it would be ideal to discuss that type of thing before marriage, but many people just didn't know until they were married...like me.
There are a lot of issues with opening up your marriage. You have to establish guidelines, and you absolutely cannot pressure someone into it. You need to have an understanding of what it means to both of you and what the other person can and should be in the relationship.
We invite a third man into our home from time to time. My wife is turned on by it and I am turned on by her. We have an amazing love life and an incredible marriage. We can't get enough of each other. And we feel that our occasional forays help us maintain the excitement and intensity of our sex life.
As I have said in prior posts, it worked for us, it has worked for a LOT of other people, but it won't work for everyone. If you are grown up enough to be married you are mature enough to figure out if this alternate lifestyle will work for you.
bob
divorced in 2003 Married in 12/2005 born 1948 wife born 1958 divorced in 2001
This is the most ridiculous post I've seen in awhile. I think every person who has engaged in your lifestyle that I know of or that have indulged in it who are here have had their M ruined from it.
If you don't mind sharing your W, that's up to you. So what happens when she starts choosing sides of who she likes more? What about you? In fact it sounds like you're making sex the defining point in your M. What happens when one of you just don't want to have sex anymore or can't have sex anymore? Would you still think it's okay to be having sex with another person if your W can't? Pushing it further, what if one of you gets sick and just can't have sex? Would you still be comfortable having your W naked with another guy if you can't please her? I bet things would be very different if so.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I think those are fair questions Mr. Bond. My wife could potentially "choose sides" now, regardless of whether or not we are involved in what is obviously an alternative lifestyle. There are no shortages of examples of people who have done so without making a mutual decision to a freer approach to sex.
My personal belief is that if you can't have sex at all any more then you have no right to expect that your spouse gives it up as well. And that would be the case whether or not you were previously monogamous. In fact, I think that most couples when faced with that situation do have sex with others. Especially if the one who still can have sex places a high value on a sex life.
You asked me if I would be comfortable having your wife naked with another guy if I couldn't please her. I can only answer that I am comfortable with that now, and if I had no desire for sex, I doubt I would be less comfortable. And, since I know I CAN please her and do please her, it just isn't all that scary to me.
If I DID have a desire for sex, then there would be nothing stopping me from engaging in it unless perhaps if I were paralyzed.
Now to address your first point that every person that you know of who has engaged in a non monogamous relationship has had their marriage ruined. How many people do you know - do you think it is an adequate sample? Do you really think that many of those that do have an open relationship are going to tell you about it? Considering your views, I don't think they'd be comfortable sharing them with you. I know that without the anonymity of this board, I certainly wouldn't share them with you.
I think that I can make the case that a lot of people who have tried to impose monogamy on their spouses, especially when they weren't interested in sex themselves, have also ruined a lot of marriages, and in fact, some of Michelle Weiner Davis' books have addressed what abstention in a monogamous relationship does.
Non monogamous relationships are not for everyone. Monogamous relationships are not for everyone.
If you can, take a look at the web site http://www.sexatdawn.com/ for a more historical and psychological perspective of monogamy. You might find it compelling and instructive. It was written by a husband (psychologist) and wife (psychiatrist). It challenges the assumption that man is "naturally" monogamous.
bob
divorced in 2003 Married in 12/2005 born 1948 wife born 1958 divorced in 2001
If an open relationship works for you and your wife, then I am happy for you. You admit that it might not be for everyone. It is not for me.
Over the past two years I have read way too many relationship books in an attempt to save my marriage of 39+ years, which is special to me. I believe that I have succeeded in saving my marriage, but time will tell. My wife and I have also had marriage counseling with a sex therapist because that was an obvious problem area in our marriage.
One of the more interesting books I read this past year was Mating in Captivity, which was about one woman's investigation on how a long term relationship can remain lusty, erotic and loving and what natural pitfalls seemed to block that. Obviously, an open relationship allows on to side step that issue. The short answer from the book is that you have to work hard at fighting familiarity and taking your partner for granted and work on reinventing yourself and your relationship.
However, for some of us who have struggled with a Sex Starved Marriage, fidelity and commitment are a huge challenge.
My take on the story is that "cheating" is a "slipery slope" that once you start down; becomes easier and easier. While my use of the term "cheating" implies a moral judgement, I choose it because of how I would feel, if I found out my wife had sex with another (devastated). You obviously see things differently.
As someone who has been in an SSM and managed to come out the end with the same partner and a healthy sex life, I feel that I have been challenged and that the challenge included one of not having sex with other women. I know other men who I like and admire who have had affairs and it has hurt almost all of them.
I think that the article makes some good points on how one can gradually over time dance up to the edge of something and once you cross a barrier (moral, ethical or otherwise) it becomes easier to cross. As such the barrier (non-monogomous sex which you propose) becomes something that frightens me and my ability to control my actions. It becomes something that I would negatively react to in a strong way. I am reminded of people who have adictions to which they try to avoid, by living one day at a time and avoiding temptations one day at a time.
It is more about my fears of loosing something that I have worked hard to maintain, than my disapproval of your lifestyle. You and your wife are free to live your life as you want. I am just explaining why I and others may react strongly to what you are proposing.
Perhaps MWD puts it well when she talks about infedelity reeling from infidelity Working to keep a healthy marriage after infidelity is not for sissies and that the "...marriage is changed forever, innocence and dreams lost."
Again, while tempting, an open marriage is (in my opinion) a slippery slope and one that as you say is not for everyone.
Good luck to you.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
I don't think we have much disagreement here. But I take exception to the use of the words "infidelity" and "cheating". I am not recommending either and my wife and I do not cheat on each other.
The issue of cheating is one of lying, and a betrayal of trust. Open relationships are just that - they mean that we are open about what we want and do. We NEVER condone cheating and I would be terribly hurt if my wife cheated on me.
You reference a book that says: "how a long term relationship can remain lusty, erotic and loving and what natural pitfalls seemed to block that."
and that "Obviously, an open relationship allows on to side step that issue."
I agree that we need to keep a relationship exciting in that way, but an open relation doesn't "side step" the issue, but rather deals with it head on.
Having 3 ways and accepting my wife's occasional encounters with other men does add excitement to our relationship and allows me to see her differently than just "the wife" all the time. It reminds me of her sensuality. Of course, our mutual love and trust makes it all possible. If I didn't believe deeply that she was as madly in love with me as I am with her, it might be a scary thing.
As for the slippery slope argument - well everything is a slippery slope I guess. But you can always stop the slipping. Monogamy, too can be a slippery slope. People fall into patterns and sex gets boring and then less frequent and then...well I think you already know what happens.
I understand why some people react strongly to my comments, which is perhaps one of the main value of my comments. If it makes people think a little and question a little and even recoil a little then that is a good thing.
Monogamy may be a good or bad thing, but like polyamorous relationships, should not be exempt from critical analysis. And for those who find that they were married only to find that they find monogamy nearly impossible, and open relationship is a hell of a lot better than a divorce if h & w can accept it.
divorced in 2003 Married in 12/2005 born 1948 wife born 1958 divorced in 2001
