The year of not my problem

[AJM]

Thank you for the birthday wishes! This weekend was awesome!!!!
The race was a blast. Weekend with my son, friends, and the race really made for a great time.

AJ

[AJM]

Update:
I know I have been struggling with the idea of me filing for divorce. Why? Because I was on some other threads and I think I haven't fully dealt with that question. I was talking to a friend today and it came up. My issue is that it is the principle of the matter that I do not want to file. But as we were talking, it occured to me that the principle of it really no longer matters. She has done what she has done. That is water under the bridge. She made her choices and mine are mine. Filing is not a defining moment and has no reflection on my integrity any longer. I see that differently than I previously did and it feels right to me whereas before waiting really didn't. It's like it clicked or something. Dunno.
As much as I would like to think I'm done with EVERYTHING, I realize that won't happen any time soon. There will be moments I'm sure....

But I'm totally cool with that. It is what it is and I'm happier than I have been in a very long time. I feel like singing, but is that too Mary Poppins? (j/k)
AJ

[AJM]

Update:
Just when you think...
Got an email from stbx. She's taking the kids to a therapist. Not aware of why, but I'm suspicious of her motives. Maybe it's just me, and I'm glad the kids are going, but...

Anyone else had that happen?

AJ

[Mach1]

Update:
I know I have been struggling with the idea of me filing for divorce. Why? Because I was on some other threads and I think I haven't fully dealt with that question.

AJ


Been wondering about something .....


How much of what you are struggling with is about her "winning" ?

Maybe not so much on a conscious level, but deep down...

[AJM]

LOL. If it's not at a conscious level, I'm not sure I can answer that
In seriousness, I suspect there is some of that Disney-like quality about me that wants the "good" guy to win (that'd be me in this case). Don't we all to some degree?

I think there is some of that in the struggle, though Mach. Not as sure about what to do with it and have focused on other things to let go and or deal with. Each one in it's own time...

That was pointed out to me the other day as well, that I may be still feeling victimized. That until I stop with the victim thought, I would be trapped in this.
Ok, I can see that. What I don't yet see is how to let that go and be done with the legal two-step going on at the same time.

I kid you not, there is nothing left for stbx to take. There is nothing left for her to hurt me with. I actually have concerns for my physical well being because of that. I have been thinking I should be cautious about that because some young buck may believe her and decide to inflict violence on me to show her he cares. Silly and sick, but it was a thought I had the other day and I have rarely been incorrect about the actions - just the timing.

Anyway, if you have a suggestion about the competitiveness aspect, I'd be happy to hear it. I don't have anything to "win" except my freedom to be honest. And that is harder and harder to come by....

AJ

[ClingingToHope]

I have some of those weird thoughts too. STBXW is/was, I'm not sure anymore, hanging around some bike riding buddies of her bestfriend's. I had this thought that if I had to take a stand if they were around the girls I may be involved in fight with a biker gang.

Highly, highly, highly unlikely. But I had the thought.

I don't think I've given up the having "to win" aspect either. I guess I just feel like I am winning. I have a good social group. I have a house that the girls like. The finances are clearing up. The only thing I guess I don't have is a love interest.

I don't know if that helps other than I felt better as I made progress.

[AJM]

CTH, it absolutely helps. Perspective has been the hardest thing for me. I've been called (rightfully so) naieve, blind, etc. Know what though? I'll take that over screwed up and angry. Any day. I'm not so naive that I don't see things. I'm naive in looking for the best in people. That's just me, and I'm thankful for it.
I've been over every single piece of my personality during the first parts of this storm. Everything. At one point I felt as if I was sandblasted and had nothing but bare metal. I'm faster, stronger, ... wait. I'm not a bionic man

I suspect that the desire to "win" is tied to the desire to protect. I'm not sure that I know the difference between "winning" and protecting myself yet. I do know that part of the protection was to jettison the things I could do without. There is nothing left. I gave it to her. Everything but the house and the kids. She chose to leave much, but that's not because I cared or didn't offer.

I do realize I am a winner. I am the lucky one that doesn't have to live with guilt or try to rationalize the events any longer than I choose with no repurcussions. I have no regrets. I've chnaged the things I needed to. There literally is nothing left to do but walk away.

A love interest? Those aren't hard to find. One worthy of keeping? That's different in my opinion. She was special to me and I wanted her in my life, but I realized early on that I do not "need" her to be. I'm much happier without her than I have been in many years. That's not to say I didn't think I was happy with her and could be happy with her. I could and was. But I find myself happier more and more each day. What I need now is for her to go quietly away and stop trying to hurt me. It feels like she is trying to justify her decision by hurting me. I can handle it, but it's a pain to be harassed like that. I'm tied in because of the kids and that's not a very freeing feeling. I'll do it for them, but would prefer not to have to. Make sense?

Thanks for posting CTH. It does help.

AJ

[Mach1]

That was pointed out to me the other day as well, that I may be still feeling victimized. That until I stop with the victim thought, I would be trapped in this.
Ok, I can see that. What I don't yet see is how to let that go and be done with the legal two-step going on at the same time.

I think that is a lot of it...that victim thing. When we get here, it is beat into our heads to let them carry the legal torch with them, and to not file. In the beginning ? I see the benefits of that. Later on, and if we truly do the work, and it's time...then it's time-regardless.

Yet part of us still carries that advice to not do the legal leg-work in this. So I think it does stay with us as a winning or losing thing.

Either way it goes from here, in due time, you will be divorced. I'm pretty sure I am now, just haven't received anything 'final' in the mail yet.

I kid you not, there is nothing left for stbx to take. There is nothing left for her to hurt me with. I actually have concerns for my physical well being because of that. I have been thinking I should be cautious about that because some young buck may believe her and decide to inflict violence on me to show her he cares. Silly and sick, but it was a thought I had the other day and I have rarely been incorrect about the actions - just the timing.

There is still something to take....that would be you. I always wondered why , after nothing was left, there was still this desire for her to twist that knife again and again. When the material things were divided, then it was something else. Still trying to push those buttons. I too, had thoughts and strange feelings for my well being. I don't think anything is too far of a stretch for most of them.

Anyway, if you have a suggestion about the competitiveness aspect, I'd be happy to hear it. I don't have anything to "win" except my freedom to be honest. And that is harder and harder to come by....

AJ

Who woulda thunked it.....that the finality of being divorced doesn't end it ?

gotta laugh on that one....

[DumpedforMIL]

ajm .. i don't want to t/j this thread of yours .. so please stop me if you feel that i am.

i'm kind of in the same boat. is it about winning? there is a part of me that says "hold out for as long as you can because in the end, it will only be his finger prints on that weapon."

but at the same time, my lazy-ass of a stbxh never did any paperwork when we were married. i was the one who managed the paperwork at home. even when he demanded to sell the house, he did nothing to get the paperwork going. he was all talk and no action. talked a good talk .. loud, obnoxious, name-calling, just pure verbal abuse. his way of motivating me to do something was to berate me verbally.

most of the time, i did the paperwork because i had no faith in his ability to get the job done. he almost sold our house for much less than what it was truly worth. had i not stepped in, we would have lost money. we ended up selling it for a nice chunk but did he appreciate my effort to get more money for the house? no, he ended up calling me a money-hungry biatch who only sees dollar signs. my stbxh simply has no brain and that money can fix everything.

so after years of doing the paperwork and fixing his blunders, do i really want to do the filing? no. i'm not his wife anymore. if he wants to get out of this, he can do it himself. he can pay someone to do it if he'd like .. he can pay his way out of this because that's how he always has been. throw money at the problem to fix it because he can't be bothered to deal with it.

sometimes i think that's why he married me. so he had someone to deal with the paperwork and stuff he didn't want to do - like cleaning toilets that he dirtied and taking out the trash. yeah, those were my duties as a wife.

why should i continue to help him in this mission? just like ajm, i gave away everything already. he took 90% of the contents of the home. i have very little and it was okay. it's just stuff. but he wants more. if you think that there's nothing left .. trust me, evil will find a way to get more. even things that were given to me, he wants back. but everything i gave him, he won't give back to me. my engagement ring, my wedding ring, even small gifts .. if i want to keep those things, i will have to pay him to keep these items. it just won't stop. it won't stop. it continues to gnaw at me ..

at what point, do you stop giving and stop being a doormat? at what point, do you say f* it .. i'm done. i don't care if my fingerprints are on the weapon?

[AJM]

DMIL, it only stops when you decide it stops. When you no longer listen. When you no longer pay attention.
In my state, the wedding ring is marital property. The engagement ring is hers because it was given prior to the union.

I hear what you're saying. My thoughts are actually along those lines. My thought is that I need to put this to an end regardless of her actions. The divorce is going to happen and I will be the one to initiate it if she doesn't beat me to it.

Her anger is incredible. Rage would be a better term. But that's ok. It's not me. I'm not angry. I'm not mad. I'm not defensive. I'm sleepy, but that's different

Going back and forth right now in email. She wants to take the kids to the therapist. When I asked for the information, she is evasive, but it does come from her lawyer and a "friend". I'm asking for his credentials and letting her know I'm concerned about it. She tells me I should be. Hmm... wonder what's next from her

This is becoming very boring more often than not. Very predictable to be honest:
Me: "hello"
Her: "screw you! <insert vile and slanderous things>
I'm the victim and my lawyer says so! You should bow down before me and grovel, you animal!"

I may be exaggerating just a smidgen...

peace,
AJ