He conquers who endures..............

[Denver_2010]

Yes 2Step...

You have been learning DB for months now. You give great advice to others here, including me. But... you have had it relatively easy until now with your own sitch...

Now is the time to walk the walk man...

BITS
Denver

[MichelleLT]

I don’t miss you the way you miss me. What gets me down is that now you listen to me but you never did before..

2step

She is angry right now. In her own words.

She doesn't believe yours.

Words are not going to do it here man.

So stop trying to convince her.

And

You haven't given her a reason to miss you.

You have jumped at every little crumb of contact with her.

Painting a rosey picture with words.

You can give up if you want.

IMO you deliver your creed to her.

I love these words;

They are not mine they come from Bworl:

I believe there is a time for such conversations.

It is typically NOT when we want it to be.

When our spouse walks away, we enter a form of desperation. We will do anything to initiate contact, open communication, be in the same place, etc.

She needs space. She wants space. When you try to engage her in a discussion, particularly one so meaningful as one of admitting wrong and asking for forgiveness, you appear to be pushing your agenda on her. No matter how well meaning - and let's be honest, at least part of the motivation for this is to appeal for leniency and clemency in the hope that she will reconsider her current path - the impression we send is that OUR needs and desires are more important than hers.

The hardest thing to finally accept and grasp in the heat of this crisis is that there is ultimately only one thing that YOU can control.

You.


Nothing you say is going to win for you what you most want to win.


Actions still speak more loudly than words. Consistency, even in her separateness, is still an attractive and valued commodity for her.


You are to become the rock.


You have to care for yourself.
You have to find yourself.
You have to restore yourself.
You have to be who you are and nothing else.
You have to become a man of integrity and honor who desperately wants this woman in your life, but who will bear the burden of living without her to establish these things above.


Respect her by respecting yourself.


Take the focus OFF of her and the marriage, then put it squarely on the only thing you can effectively change.

You


Good words.

You are not getting what you want and you are not hearing what you want.

Time to move on?

That is what she expects after delivering that message.

She expects you will. That is the man she knew.

Who is 2step now?

^^^^^^^^^^

Yes.

BITS
Denver

Yes yes and yes!

And YAY that she is angry!!!!!!! She absolutely has to go through this phase for anything to progress! When you start hearing the "it's too late" and "why didn't you change before" and "I can never go back to that" and all the anger comes out it means they are doing some heavy processing! That they see the changes you have made and have doubts about whether they have done the right thing. So they remind themselves of how bad it was, how they can never go back to that, the WAS cultivates that anger as a defense!

Remember IGNORE ALL OF WHAT THEY SAY AND HALF OF WHAT THEY DO!

It doesn't feel like it, but you are at a place of great potential.

Don't do anything rash. Be patient. And don't give up yet. She's not done, and you shouldn't be either.

[ironMan]

2step, I know exactly where you are. I feel much the same. Yes, my geographical constraints are much different than yours ... but we share a lot right now, brother.

And, while we have been talking .... the thing you have probably struggled the most with is real detachment. Well, you are there or nearly there. But, I suspect you'll struggle again with it from time to time. And, I think I can help you with that. If it doesn't help, throw it out .... but it helps me.

So, I'm going to walk you thru an exercise that I do ... I got this from a book that you and I discussed in the past.

The idea is ... the world is an abundant place .... your W isn't the key to your happiness or your daughter's. Both of you will be good ... with or without W. What if feels like to be a LBS, is that you had the foundation of your life pulled from you by somebody you like and you want them to come back so you feel fine. But, they were never our foundation. Maybe we used them as a crutch, but they are not necessary for us (nor for our daughters).

What I'm telling you, is that the WORLD is FULL of the things we want. Your daughter (or mine) cannot know this. They are too young. But, WE can learn this. What this means is ... the love, affection, family happiness, sex, being desired by somebody we desire (or, for daughters, having a family environment with a woman that they can look up to who is with their daddy) .... all of this is readily available. It IS, no . it really is.

When our Ws pulled the rug out on us .... the world started to feel like it was closing in. That the key to our future happiness and our daughter's well being etc. was F-ing EVERYTHING up. So, the exercise, is to visualize this world of abundance. To remember, that everything we desire is within our grasp. If nothing else, our Ws brought about the changes in our lives that forced us to realize this. And we should thank them for that.

So, close your eyes. Imagine that the world is a place of abundance. The love, happiness, the woman to help raise your D .. your happiness, your daughter's happiness .... it's all out there. The world isn't closing in, it's not taking things from you. You and your D are going to have a great life. Your W has to figure out what her path to a good life is for her. She's lost though. Its ok. You don't need her. Hopefully she decides to come back to your path, but it isn't necessary. You are not going to be fine ... you are going to be great. All you have to do, is choose great.

[2stepboogie]

I open my thread today and think to myself.....How lucky am I? How lucky that I have total strangers care so much and offer such strong words of wisdom.

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.

Yes 2Step...

You have been learning DB for months now. You give great advice to others here, including me. But... you have had it relatively easy until now with your own sitch...

Now is the time to walk the walk man...

BITS
Denver

Give up? Not my style. Not my style at all. I will continue on my quest but my focus has shifted. I realize the convo was actually good for me, it allowed me to be one step closer to detachment. This is a constant thing for all of us there is not one thing that allows you to detach it is a mountain of little things.

Yes yes and yes!

And YAY that she is angry!!!!!!! She absolutely has to go through this phase for anything to progress! When you start hearing the "it's too late" and "why didn't you change before" and "I can never go back to that" and all the anger comes out it means they are doing some heavy processing! That they see the changes you have made and have doubts about whether they have done the right thing. So they remind themselves of how bad it was, how they can never go back to that, the WAS cultivates that anger as a defense!

Remember IGNORE ALL OF WHAT THEY SAY AND HALF OF WHAT THEY DO!

It doesn't feel like it, but you are at a place of great potential.

Don't do anything rash. Be patient. And don't give up yet. She's not done, and you shouldn't be either.

She is going through her phase I am sure she will be battling these emotions for a long time to come. That's ok. The only difference is I will not participate any longer. This will be her feelings to deal with. She hates her job? Sorry. She hates her life? Sorry. None of these things are my problem any longer. I have my own BS to deal with. She wants to buy a 79 Cordova? Awesome! Enjoy the ride. As for "potential" that is good to hear, I will continue to move forward and if it happens it happens. Can't worry about her any longer. In doing so I am making myself miserable and I continue to slip. I have to LET GO of expectations, which is easy to do because no one is going to tell me that they don't come here with the expectations of saving their M. We ALL come here for that.

I will be here standing for my M until I am no longer. I will know when that this. Only difference now is that after taking a few days to think it over I realize i don't need my W in my life any longer. She wants to move on, happy trails. She wants to come back, I am here to WORK on our M. It's about me.

2step, I know exactly where you are. I feel much the same. Yes, my geographical constraints are much different than yours ... but we share a lot right now, brother.

And, while we have been talking .... the thing you have probably struggled the most with is real detachment. Well, you are there or nearly there. But, I suspect you'll struggle again with it from time to time. And, I think I can help you with that. If it doesn't help, throw it out .... but it helps me.

So, I'm going to walk you thru an exercise that I do ... I got this from a book that you and I discussed in the past.

The idea is ... the world is an abundant place .... your W isn't the key to your happiness or your daughter's. Both of you will be good ... with or without W. What if feels like to be a LBS, is that you had the foundation of your life pulled from you by somebody you like and you want them to come back so you feel fine. But, they were never our foundation. Maybe we used them as a crutch, but they are not necessary for us (nor for our daughters).

What I'm telling you, is that the WORLD is FULL of the things we want. Your daughter (or mine) cannot know this. They are too young. But, WE can learn this. What this means is ... the love, affection, family happiness, sex, being desired by somebody we desire (or, for daughters, having a family environment with a woman that they can look up to who is with their daddy) .... all of this is readily available. It IS, no . it really is.

When our Ws pulled the rug out on us .... the world started to feel like it was closing in. That the key to our future happiness and our daughter's well being etc. was F-ing EVERYTHING up. So, the exercise, is to visualize this world of abundance. To remember, that everything we desire is within our grasp. If nothing else, our Ws brought about the changes in our lives that forced us to realize this. And we should thank them for that.

So, close your eyes. Imagine that the world is a place of abundance. The love, happiness, the woman to help raise your D .. your happiness, your daughter's happiness .... it's all out there. The world isn't closing in, it's not taking things from you. You and your D are going to have a great life. Your W has to figure out what her path to a good life is for her. She's lost though. Its ok. You don't need her. Hopefully she decides to come back to your path, but it isn't necessary. You are not going to be fine ... you are going to be great. All you have to do, is choose great.

IronMan: WOW. Just simply WOW. These are such great points. You of course are completely right. This is now my focus.

[2stepboogie]

How were your reactions different than in the past ?

I was not combative and I have learn to listen. I do not defend myself.

How did you handle yourself differently with her ?

I allowed her to speak and vent without cutting her off.

How does this motivate you moving forward ?

Because I realize that I am becoming a better person everyday. I am not to where I want to be yet, but I am closer than I was a month ago. I love my W, always have and always will but I will not condem my future because of her decisions.

DB principals, we always question them because they seem so counter-intuitive to us...

What seems up, we DB as down...

What seems East, we DB west....

What seems the worst ?

We DB forward....

Where are you ?

One of the single hardest things for us to do is to trust what we don't understand and apply it. I argue. I debate. With you and some others, I don't do it out of stubborness I do it because I want to understand in a way that makes sense to me. Once it makes sense to us is when we can really put our efforts to work.

[zengypsy]

2, I hope you know how proud I am of you even if there are days when you want to pull the blankets over your head! You have been a huge help and inspiration to me. I will never forget your kindness.

Stay the course!

[2stepboogie]

ZEN

Thank you so much for your kind words. No road is too long with good company, I am among the best

[FellOnBlackDays]

2step,
I have been with you here from the beginning and I will remain here with you until the end. Whatever you decide when it comes to your sitch, I think we can all trust that it will be the best for you. You have given me such great support and advice here that I will never be able to repay you. If you want to take care of 2step, do it. Yes, the things we did possibly made our WAS's walk. But, there is nothing we can do to make them come back other than leave the door open and make it as attractive of an option as possible. Hang in there, buddy! You are an inspiration in all that you do!

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD

[2stepboogie]

FOBD


Thanks for checking in. I see in your sitch you had great success at the wedding, good for you. On my front there is nothing to report today starts day 5 no contact which is rare in my case. Not really sure what to make of it. She has been active on FB last two days which is also rare. Today I woke still in a little bit of shock I don’t know if this is normal or not after 5 months.

[zengypsy]

ZEN

Thank you so much for your kind words. No road is too long with good company, I am among the best

I'm all verklempt! We really are among the best huh?!