I don’t miss you the way you miss me. What gets me down is that now you listen to me but you never did before..
2step
She is angry right now. In her own words.
She doesn't believe yours.
Words are not going to do it here man.
So stop trying to convince her.
And
You haven't given her a reason to miss you.
You have jumped at every little crumb of contact with her.
Painting a rosey picture with words.
You can give up if you want.
IMO you deliver your creed to her.
I love these words;
They are not mine they come from Bworl:
I believe there is a time for such conversations.
It is typically NOT when we want it to be.
When our spouse walks away, we enter a form of desperation. We will do anything to initiate contact, open communication, be in the same place, etc.
She needs space. She wants space. When you try to engage her in a discussion, particularly one so meaningful as one of admitting wrong and asking for forgiveness, you appear to be pushing your agenda on her. No matter how well meaning - and let's be honest, at least part of the motivation for this is to appeal for leniency and clemency in the hope that she will reconsider her current path - the impression we send is that OUR needs and desires are more important than hers.
The hardest thing to finally accept and grasp in the heat of this crisis is that there is ultimately only one thing that YOU can control.
You.
Nothing you say is going to win for you what you most want to win.
Actions still speak more loudly than words. Consistency, even in her separateness, is still an attractive and valued commodity for her.
You are to become the rock.
You have to care for yourself. You have to find yourself. You have to restore yourself. You have to be who you are and nothing else. You have to become a man of integrity and honor who desperately wants this woman in your life, but who will bear the burden of living without her to establish these things above.
Respect her by respecting yourself.
Take the focus OFF of her and the marriage, then put it squarely on the only thing you can effectively change.
You
Good words.
You are not getting what you want and you are not hearing what you want.
Time to move on?
That is what she expects after delivering that message.
She expects you will. That is the man she knew.
Who is 2step now?
^^^^^^^^^^
Yes.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
[quote=2stepboogie] And the four phases I was taught as a newcomer here were reducing negative emotions, friendship, romance, and recommitment.
The step I will miss. That reconnection phase its hard to do from across the country. I am not being negative I am being a realist.
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
2step
She is angry right now. In her own words.
She doesn't believe yours.
Words are not going to do it here man.
So stop trying to convince her.
And
You haven't given her a reason to miss you.
You have jumped at every little crumb of contact with her.
Painting a rosey picture with words.
You can give up if you want.
IMO you deliver your creed to her.
Maybe your right Gritter. I know words will not be enough but unless she has a NASA type telescope words is the only change she will see.
Giving up? That would be the easiest thing for me to do wouldn't it? I would not say I am giving up, I would say I am re-assesing my sitch.
Maybe she is right. Maybe there is too much hurt, to much distance, to much of a risk. After all it's not about just me. How does she reconnect with my D? How do we date? How do we get to know each other again? She is going to pack move back and date while we live in the same house. Not likely.
It's ok though. I took a day to answer because I was not in a position to post yesterday, I was not heartbroken or lost I was just re-evaluating my approach. I did cry yesterday for the first time in over a month. Kind of disappointed about that. My D set it off, I got on to her about something and she started to let her feelings out. "You are being mean! W understands me! You made her leave! My life is terrible now because of you! I have no mother because of you! I am calling W and telling her how mean you are" I know it's words of a frustrated 11yr old girl. I know this. It does not change how her words made me feel. I dropped her off at home and went to park my car on a cliff close to my house. Don't worry it's not what you think. I was looking at the view of Western Jersey. There in the privacy of my car I broke down for a good 45 min.
I realized the obstacles I face are huge.
I do have some pretty good contact with my W.
I also have a level of contact some on here would kill for.
Great for me.
It's not the words that cut, it's the way she says it. Yeah based on her words she sound angry, she is also at peace with her decision to move on. That is the part that is hard to capture when I post.
My new plan?
Doesn't matter to me whether she calls or she doesn't. Doesn't matter if she sends a text or an email. I will REALLY move on with my life with little regard as to when she will call or not call. No more reading. No more DB sessions. If she wants that she will have to seek it out. I have to become a better father and a better person. Do I hurt? As much as I did in Oct when she left. The pain lingers but I imagine someday it will go away or at least be more bearable.
I will continue to answer her calls, not because I am looking for some type of reconciliation but out of courtesy. Never throughout this entire process has she ignored my calls or not called me back. She has always been there to talk. I have worked through my pain by talking to her and by you guys holding my hand when I stumble, which I do often.
She will find an ear if she calls. My gratitude to her for her kindness.
AJM80, 9Lives, Grr, Denver, Country, LATB
Thanks for checking on me. I really do appreciate it. This is a long painful journey. Some of us will make it and some of won't. Wish there was some magic list out there. I really believe that More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.
Mach1 gave me some good advice regarding taking an action and I am currently putting that plan into place.
Heard this song the other and wanted to share it with you.
Hang in there two step. I hope you mean what you say about not obsessing about any communications with her. GAL for real and see where that leads you.
One never knows what twist lies ahead>
9
BITS
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
I know words will not be enough but unless she has a NASA type telescope words is the only change she will see.
I know you are not where she can see you but even when you talk to her she can see your actions.
I mean really what I am saying is stop trying to CONVINCE her with your words.
Stop telling her how you changed and how it will be if she comes back.
Show her through words. Act on the phone with her as the new 2step.
True, I just always love reading your words of wisdom. I'm going to remember this for me too.
It is really not as literal as is sounds. When you speak you are acting out who you are.
Yes?
Unless you are a mime...
This distance is not an excuse 2step. Don't use it for one.
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
True, I just always love reading your words of wisdom. I'm going to remember this for me too.
I messed up my prior reponse! It's Monday, time change etc.! ;-)
2, YOU are awesome. Sorry you are having a rough couple of days. Hang in there...I'm still routing for you!
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
2Step, sorry to hear about man. Hang in there. You know you gotta keep your daughter as you highest priority. I guess only then you maybe able to change your direction and move on yourself.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
