Truthfully I think she might have been looking to hear that I had not given up. MAYBE I am wrong. Usually I AM WRONG. If I know W and I believe i do she did not mind getting that text.
Hey, can I get the winning lottery numbers for tonite ?
Stop mind reading...
Knowing her as "well" as you perceive, got you here...
I hate to say 'I told you so', but I told you so...
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Doubt anyone will actually go through and read all that but I have included it anyway. If you do find time to read all that there is some GREAT advice from people on my threads.
Yes, there is, I agree. I suggest you start following some of it.
You write really well, 2step, but you've really not even captured the most basic tenets of DBing yet ("no pursuit", "no relationship talks," etc.). Your wife is playing you like a fiddle.
But was it because she wants to know you are still there waiting for her because it gives her options and an ego boost? Or because she's interesting in R?
Michelle logic would say it is option one.
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So why give her what she wants?
Is it what either of you need?
No ofcourse not. My text at the moment felt right. I slide a lot more than I would like to at times but overall I don't think I slip as often as some would suspect.
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2 if you were expecting 2x4's why did you send it?
Well, see how your wife responds to that and go from there.
J3B: I took a risk. It was thought out. Sometimes you have to test and evaluate. No?
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You are getting some really good advice boogie, but...you have to listen and more importantly act on it, use it.
fisherman: If it was not for the advice I have gotten on here I would be in bed still trying to gather the strengh to get out of bed. My support system here has been huge.
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Do better, and listen to these folks, most of us learned the hard way.
You're gonna make some mistakes, that's the way this goes. The "I know but.... mistakes" are the ones that hurt. They're completely avoidable.
If you know better, than do better.
Fisherman: I will stumble along the way, knowing what to do and still doing it is a motherf&^%$. It's like a dog returning to vomit.
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They like to know you're still there waiting for them.
Don't get sucked in.
Think now why you responded.
Gritter: I responded to let her know not to give up. I will explain my reason below.
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Hey, can I get the winning lottery numbers for tonite ?
Mach: 33 23 02 12 18 22
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Stop mind reading...
At what point does it become mind reading and you just simply knowing your spouse? That is the question I ask.
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I hate to say 'I told you so', but I told you so...
Denver: Not so fast.............
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A ton of it, I have already said to you previous to this...
You are gonna drive this truck right into the tree if you don't start to use the brakes...
Cat: Why do I get the sneaky suspicion I really frustrate you the most.
Ok here it is guys I realize this could have been a very bad move on my part. I am not going to argue that. I expected some of you would shake your head in dissbelief that at this stage in the game I have made such a foolish backslide.
I want you all to know that I am in no way being combative or dissagreeing with you. Truthfuly if it wasn't for your help I might have been in a very bad place right now. The strengh and guidance you have shown me I will NEVER be able to repay.
My W is in a peculiar place, I know this not because I am Nostradamus or some physic mind reader but because we have been together 10yrs and you get to know a person. I realize she shocked the he!! out of me by leaving, if I was paying attention I would not have been so shocked.
In most cases I agree that the WAS will test the waters and do temp checks all the time. They will determine whether the spouse is still around and then quickly move on. I have talked about this in great lengh with my DB couch.
This is why going dark on my W might not be the best approach. In the M she felt neglected and over shadowed by me. She retreated in arguments instead of attacking. She kept it in. She smiled to avoid any conflict. She did for others and always put herself last. Why do I say this? Because I am convinced that if my W feels as if I have completely moved on she WILL give up.
I am not saying I have the answers or that everything I am doing is right. You guys more often than not keep me in check would my text had been perceived differently in Dec? He!! Yes. She is past the anger almost completely, I can tell that by her voice when we do talk. Should I contact her everyday? NO. When I do talk to her she needs to realize that she does have options. That I would consider trying again. She has to feel that level of comfort or she will completely withdraw and throw in the towel.
I think of say Denvers W who made the comment that if he loved her he would of tried harder to win her back. I am not comparing her to my W, like I said everyone is different, but what might seem like persuit in one sitch would be reinforcement in another. I have to VALIDATE A LOT with my W. If I turn a cold shoulder I would be doing nothing different than what I did before.
I don't think I backslid as bad. She responded with a text about an hour ago
W "it is raining awful here and I am stuck doing field work"
nothing much and nothing impressive but after the text i sent her she did not have to do anything. She could of said "i still got him on the hook" and moved on.
personally I think she needed to hear I was still here I was still willing to be married.
DB is about yourself, it is about looking in the mirror and finding what you have done wrong and working on those things. It is about being a better person. Not because you want to save your M but because you want to save yourself. In the process you hope to stay M or to keep your spouse, but after you have grown as a person you realize that either way you will be fine. If you get to that point then M or not you have DBed your sanity.
It also requires a certain level of trust in your instinct. You must test and evaluate. Every sitch is a little differently.
I hope I am not coming across as some hard headed person who thinks he knows more than anyone, that is not my intention at all. The truth is the more you guys talk the more I realize I don't know anything. This is just how I feel and my simple explanation as to why I sent that text.
In most cases I agree that the WAS will test the waters and do temp checks all the time. They will determine whether the spouse is still around and then quickly move on. I have talked about this in great lengh with my DB couch.
This is why going dark on my W might not be the best approach. In the M she felt neglected and over shadowed by me. She retreated in arguments instead of attacking. She kept it in. She smiled to avoid any conflict. She did for others and always put herself last. Why do I say this? Because I am convinced that if my W feels as if I have completely moved on she WILL give up.
I am not saying I have the answers or that everything I am doing is right. You guys more often than not keep me in check would my text had been perceived differently in Dec? He!! Yes. She is past the anger almost completely, I can tell that by her voice when we do talk. Should I contact her everyday? NO. When I do talk to her she needs to realize that she does have options. That I would consider trying again. She has to feel that level of comfort or she will completely withdraw and throw in the towel.
And what was Jody's advice?
No one suggested you should go completely dark. Just that you let her be the one to initiate contact, to initiate R talks, etc. Let her set the pace.
You can convey that you are listening and still there more subtley. You don't have to go all out sappy pursuit like that on her.
You could have agreed with her text or the emotion behind it - "yeah, [censored] how that happens so much." Or "they say everything happens for a reason, but it sure doesn't feel that way most of the time." Or something about God's plan if she's more religious.
But I am very glad she contacted you and doesn't seem to be pulling back right now.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
