Don't feel stupid. It's been a really short time and what would it say about you if you were able to turn off those loving feelings on a dime? But keep up the focus on building a new better life for yourself, stay busy with friends, and those feelings will fade. And if you want to date, date. I know many will say it's too early, but in a situation like this, a little love affair with someone who treats you right can be healing.
Well - beware of women who want to latch on right away. Not that I am personally opposed to a little romp in the hay if you are both very attracted, but if she wants to turn it into a full blown relationship right away, knowing you are so recently separated, she might be a Clingon. Tread carefully.
Judging by your reaction, you just might not be ready for that yet.
She said that I've been cutting her off from the whole D situation. I told her that I thought that was healthy at this point, as she doesn't need to be burdened with that.
She told me she can't get to know half of me. This is who I am and what I'm dealing with, and she's a big girl and can make her own decisions. She told me she wants to know what's going on. So I told her. The whole bit.
I told her that I certainly wouldn't want to know what was going on if the tables were turned, and that I don't understand why she's not running away screaming.
She isn't though. I'm giving myself a 2x a week limit with seeing her. I'm not ready to sprint into anything, and she's got a ridiculous schedule anyway.
M:31 WAW:25 T: 5 years M: 6/25/10 Bomb: 12/17/10 Discovered PA 1/2, Discovered EA, 1/17 Served D: 1/27
OK. Consider hay rolled. Felt good (emotionally) this time. Decided not to spend the night though. For some reason, that seems... intimate, and I don't know how intimate I'm ready to be.
M:31 WAW:25 T: 5 years M: 6/25/10 Bomb: 12/17/10 Discovered PA 1/2, Discovered EA, 1/17 Served D: 1/27
Today was again filled with anxiety and depression. Woke up feeling vaguely suicidal.
So, I made a fast appt with IC.
Substitute IC today, since my normal IC is on vacation. Actually I got IC's boss. She wanted a run down of my situation. I gave it to her, and talked a bunch.
At some point, this came up:
About 2 years ago, STBX had a family reunion. STBXMIL pulled me aside and told me "We used to call her the ice queen. We used to joke she could never have babies because she would eat her young. But you have made her so happy. The Ice Queen is gone. She can't stop talking about wanting children with you. I can't thank you enough for making my daughter happy, because we never thought she would be." I was touched and moved. In retrospect, it was a warning. I got the Ice Queen back.
IC told me "Anyone can be unhappy in a relationship. Anyone can be considering leaving their partner, but her coldness and brutality is simply chilling, and I've been doing this for 20 years."
Also, they want me on AD's. I have to see a doc to get that obviously.
Last, I deleted all of my texts with STBX, which go back to pre-sitch, and include pix from our honeymoon, and the last time she told me she loved me.
M:31 WAW:25 T: 5 years M: 6/25/10 Bomb: 12/17/10 Discovered PA 1/2, Discovered EA, 1/17 Served D: 1/27
Wow. What a thing for a mother to say about her own daughter. That speaks volumes!!!!!!
Good job going right to the IC, recognizing when you needed help. ((((Hugs)))))
You know, you should start a new thread somewhere that gets more traffic - it may seem early to you still, but you might want to join us on the Surviving the Big D forum. You'll get more responses, which can be helpful.
Anyway... first day on AD's. New chick is pretty cool.
Trying to take it slow, but I don't even know what that really looks like. If nothing else, I'm trying to limit my actual face to face contact. She's been unbelievably supportive through all this. Had conversation where I said "you're a fixer, aren't you?". And she paused... and said... yeah.
Either way, I like her a lot. She's good people from a good family.
And then I spend an hour and a half googling up my stbx and OM. Stuff like that is getting less frequent, but it still [censored] when it happens. Also, I realized that most of her family has "blocked" me on facebook. This makes no sense at all. I mean... I could understand defriending, but I always LOVED her family (one half anyway) and they always seemed to love me. Especially stbxfil. We had a pretty special relationship. I'm sure she's lying and telling them I was some abusive monster as a set-up to introducing OM as savior, if she hasn't already introduced him.
Oh well. I've already traded up as far as I'm concerned.
M:31 WAW:25 T: 5 years M: 6/25/10 Bomb: 12/17/10 Discovered PA 1/2, Discovered EA, 1/17 Served D: 1/27
I've been reading your posts these past few weeks and just watching you self destruct. Remember when I mentioned that you better start to learn how to GAL without relying on women or else you're going to find yourself in the crapper again? Well it's happening and you can't even see it.
So you're on anti-depressants, getting suicidal thoughts, etc. And the first thing you do is hook up with several women to get a fix. That's what they are to you. A fix. In the end you're still left alone.
Learn to take care of yourself first without a woman or else you're going to have those mood swings for the rest of your life.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
