New Thread

[Denver_2010]

New Thread!

Link to my last thread...

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2131501&page=1

BITS
Denver

[FellOnBlackDays]

Denver, what is up? Got back from my conference last night, but headed out with friends because I was too depressed to sit in my house. Woke up late this morning and just now turning on computer.

Buddy, I just got caught up on your sitch and it was a real lift to my spirits. I don't understand the comment about the OM and V-Day. Did he send her a bunch of flowers or something? Please clarify.

As for everything else, there is so much positive going on here, but it might be a time for a 2x4. Be careful. Please keep in mind that you are interacting with a WAS that is now having to deal with her mixed emotions regarding you, a pursuing OM and the death of a family member. All of this attention toward you could be that she is looking for comfort. I don't know what exactly is being said between the two of you behind closed doors, but don't get too sucked in to what is happening. You have come so far, I don't want to see you jump the gun and cause her to run again. She is going through a bunch of emotional stuff right now and she could be turning to you just because it is easy and comforting. I hope that is not the case, but I just wanted to put that idea in your mind. You and 2step are still my mentors right now. I follow your moves closely in the hopes that I can get there some day. But, I don't want you to lose sight of what is going on here. Please, please, please be patient. I think the business card move the other night was slick, but it could have blown up on you. Thank goodness, it was positive and I am soooo happy that it did.

Please keep me updated. It gives me strength to know that a WAS might actually come to their senses...

I am heading out with friends again tonight. I will probably drink too much, so I will check in with everyone again tomorrow. Stay patient, stay strong!

BITS never walk alone!!!

Hey, what were you talking about when you stated someone has started a BITS page on FB?

FOBD

[grr]

there is a fb page, i don't know about BITS tho
the page is for divorce busting
i'm about to join
it might be helpful

[Denver_2010]

Buddy, I just got caught up on your sitch and it was a real lift to my spirits. I don't understand the comment about the OM and V-Day. Did he send her a bunch of flowers or something? Please clarify.


Hey, what were you talking about when you stated someone has started a BITS page on FB?

FOBD

I can't really clarify my comment about OM and V-day. I'm not sure exactly. What I do know is that I have hung out with my W bw 2 and 6 hours every night since V-day and that she has not had any contact with him whatsoever in 3 days. No, she has not had the 'talk' with him, and no, we have not formally made the decision to work on M. But I don't want to put any pressure on her. I have come this far, I can wait it out a little while longer. Especially since she is now grieving the death of her grandma. I truly believe that it is only a matter of time as long as I don't F up.

UPDATE

My updates are fairly boring right now, I know. I mainly just want to keep doing them for purposes of a journal.

Continued showing my W my changes, 180s, by offering to hang out with SS this morning while she went with her mom to view her grandma's body at the mortuary. I also told my W that I was washing my car and that I wanted to wash her's as well. So that is what I did most of the afternoon.

When I was done with her car, I drove it to MIL's where my W was. The family is working on organizing 2 very nice funerals for W's grandma. One locally and one in Buffalo.

W invited me to stay to eat pizza with them. So I did. I mainly hung out with my BIL since my W was busy helping her mom and SIL. BIL and I went to liquor store to pick up some stuff so that he, W and I could have a couple of drinks.

I was able to hang out with my W on the front porch of MIL's home for a while before I left for the evening. Ended up hanging with W and her family from about 6 p.m. until midnight.

Another good evening with no bumps in the road!

That is now 5 straight nights of hanging out with my W... Very happy!

BITS
Denver

[Seminolewind]

Denver you are an inspiration to all of us and I will follow you through this mess. I see all of this as a sign but I also know you just never know how a wife will react. Keep busting and make yourself happy

[2stepboogie]

Very well done

You can call me Nostradamus for predicting this long before you believed it.

Now I want to ask you a question.

I see you offered to wash W car and have offered other things along the way.

Are these measured offers? Meaning are you picking and choosing which things to offer with because of the baby steps you are taking or every time she has an issue you are jumping to help her.

I ask because I need to be prepared and I am curious how you are handling the balance between being dependable and overbearing "Mr' Fix it" mode.

[Firstlove]

speaking of having your heart ripped out and crushed - it reminded me of this - I think we have all been there if we are on this forum and in this community. That said, courage my friends, courage.


“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
-C.S. Lewis’’

[ninelives]

Wow , good for you Denver. I have a questions for you though and i am not asking to stir up Sht. Do you ever focus on the OM when you are with her? Are you able to get him out of your head and if that is the case, what is the technique you are using?

I really commend you Denver and I have read alot of your advice and it is sage to be sure.

Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

NINE
BITS

[Denver_2010]

Very well done

You can call me Nostradamus for predicting this long before you believed it.

Now I want to ask you a question.

I see you offered to wash W car and have offered other things along the way.

Are these measured offers? Meaning are you picking and choosing which things to offer with because of the baby steps you are taking or every time she has an issue you are jumping to help her.

I ask because I need to be prepared and I am curious how you are handling the balance between being dependable and overbearing "Mr' Fix it" mode.

Yeah, that's a good question 2Step. Right now, she is super busy helping take care of all of the stuff going on with her grandma's passing. I think that that makes it feel a little easier to offer help without feeling like I'm being 'mr. fix it'. I think that it will be more difficult once the mess with her grandma is done.

But I've just been offering my help generally... ' let me know if there is anything I can do to help'...

Offering to wash her car was more a part of my 180... I just didn't to enough husbandly things for my W before she left... I spoiled her, and 'fixed' things, financially ALL of the time. But I didn't spoil her enough with just every day, do something nice for your W to help her out, kind of way.

I want to do a lot more of that in the future.

BITS
Denver

[Denver_2010]

I have a questions for you though and i am not asking to stir up Sht. Do you ever focus on the OM when you are with her? Are you able to get him out of your head and if that is the case, what is the technique you are using?

Ummm... yes. Unfortunately. I find myself talking and laughing with my W and/or other people in the room, and then I will just have a horrible thought go through my head out of the blue.

I feel white hot anger... and then, for whatever reason, I've been able to do something that I have never been capable in the past, I put the thought out of my head, and calm myself down really quickly.

I think that the main thing is that I'm learning to quickly go through everything that I have processed here in my head during those moments. 1) How sitch got to this point, 2) my high level of blame, 3) fact that my W would never have done this but for me being 'absent H', 4) How lucky that I am that I seem to be getting another chance.

There's probably more to that, but the point is that I am consciously going through a mini process in my head to get those bad thought to go away.

And, it is working. Plus, it has happened less and less frequently over the course of the week. So that's encouraging.

BITS
Denver

P.S. Not stirring up sh!t 9... I've poured my heart and soul out on this board... why stop now!