Since the last thread will soon locked I went ahead and started a new one. The last 10-15 post of my last thread was actually very educational. If you are just joining us start there and see what a 2x4 looks like.
I'm not talking about detachment. I am talking about attachment theory. Detachment is a new thing for you because it is not normal for the human brain at all. We are wired to do things in pairs. According to this book that I am reading, people who worked/lived/acted in pairs during the holocaust were more likely to survive than those who went it alone. This is why MWD reminds us that what we have to do is so counter-intuitive because it really flies in the face of everything our brain is wired to tell us to do. Our brain is wired to MAINTAIN these close bonds...
I'm all for the 2x4's in your case But I really think it is important that you understand that what you are feeling is normal and that there isn't anything wrong with you. If you could just understand that first, I think it's helpful. It helped me to understand that.
To answer your questions Mach I think it is because of this
1. I am way too attached 2. Because I feel she is in control 3. Because I have expectations when I shouldn't.
I have to take a step back and think because you are dead on with what are telling me.
I think #2, you may want to look at closer...
Maybe think why you feel she is in control ?
And why that bothers you ?
What IS control ?
I think she is in control because ultimately she decides wether we stay together or not. She decides if she wants to give the M a chance. She knows I want it but in this case I am not the deciding factor. I have lost control of the M and now I am working almost entirely on mercy for the M. That is what I meant.
However........Having said that..........
If I properly detach then she no longer has control because I would have reached a point when it truly is about me. It becomes about my healing, my well being and then the M would be something nice but no longer a necessity.
I guess what I need to learn is that
I would like my W back I would like the M to be saved I would like the chance to be the better husband I know I can be
BUT
I don't NEED my W back I could live without my M Regardless of it being my W or not I have become the H I knew I could be
I'm not talking about detachment. I am talking about attachment theory. Detachment is a new thing for you because it is not normal for the human brain at all. We are wired to do things in pairs. According to this book that I am reading, people who worked/lived/acted in pairs during the holocaust were more likely to survive than those who went it alone. This is why MWD reminds us that what we have to do is so counter-intuitive because it really flies in the face of everything our brain is wired to tell us to do. Our brain is wired to MAINTAIN these close bonds...
I'm all for the 2x4's in your case But I really think it is important that you understand that what you are feeling is normal and that there isn't anything wrong with you. If you could just understand that first, I think it's helpful. It helped me to understand that.
LIS
What is the name of the book? I would like to read more about this. With everything I've read in the past 3 months I'm going to be a smart SOB when this is all said and done.
She can do whatever the hell she wants. She has! She left you! She moved to another state!
You can't control her. You never could.
You can control you though.
You need to get healthy, mentally and physically. To find your happy place. To find your confidence. To KNOW that no matter what happens, you WILL be fine. You won't just survive, you will THRIVE.
If she chooses not to be with you, that's HER LOSS.
I'll tell you a little secret that most newcomers don't believe. THE LBS DECIDES THE FATE OF THE MARRIAGE OVER 80% OF THE TIME.
NOT the WAS.
She's not in control. She can't control you any more than you can control her.
You are right, your expectations are killing you. You act like one good conversation and she should come home. If you had one good date with a new person would you expect them to move in with you? Of course not!
You are trying to start a NEW MARRIAGE with her, not revive the old one. She doesn't want things to go back to how they were, and you can't either!
You are not only starting from square one as if dating someone new, but you are starting from a NEGATIVE because of the past hurts.
Patience.
You are making SO MUCH progress. Don't shoot yourself in the foot.
I wanted to repost this. It was important and some people had questions for Michelle.
Hold Me Tight. I saw it on the thread for Piecing. Because I realized that if I can't have a conversation without 2Step, then I'm in big trouble. I found it pretty enlightening. Navy was just asking about this too.
It really helped me because it let me understand very clearly that everything all of us are feeling is very, very normal. That we are wired to save our relationships. It also explained very clearly why WAS's feel the way they do. Essentially it said that when our relationship is being threatened we have two responses: fight or flight/clinging. Basically our spouses chose flight. We are clinging. But we both are reacting to the same exact thing: our relationship is being threatened.
I'm only a third the way through the book. It is heavy on psychology, but I kind of like it because it is totally applicable to all our situations.
That is very interesting and I plan to buy the book tonight. Zen gave me some good reading material also. It is true I suppose that one person has chosen flight while the other has chosen to hold on. This would describe my W and I in terms of personality.
It is also refreshing to know that I'm not crazy and that these emotions are normal. Sometimes I feel as if I am losing my mind. You guys keep me grounded and sane
But I really think it is important that you understand that what you are feeling is normal and that there isn't anything wrong with you. If you could just understand that first, I think it's helpful. It helped me to understand that.