Missing her bad right now. Been out of town throughout most of this. Heading back tomorrow. I need to make a plan so that I have things to do when I get back.
M:31 WAW:25 T: 5 years M: 6/25/10 Bomb: 12/17/10 Discovered PA 1/2, Discovered EA, 1/17 Served D: 1/27
Ok... decided not to head back, and watch the game with my family instead. STBX started going crazy on me because she wants to file on the first possible day (tues), and I told her I just wanted a nice day with my family and to not have to deal with this.
Ended up talking on the phone. Big fight. Called her evil and devoid of empathy. Told her that I don't feel bad that I'm not pushing through her big plan fast enough. She told me I didn't give her enough notice about not coming home. I told her she didn't give me enough notice about ruining my life. She told me I gave you plenty, and hung up on me.
Whole day completely ruined. I think I hate her, and simultaneously I feel like this is all my fault. She is so cruel. She can't give me any time to breathe, like I have given her. She tells me she can't live in limbo. I've completely blown it as far as DB'ing.
Day shot to hell. Life shot to hell.
M:31 WAW:25 T: 5 years M: 6/25/10 Bomb: 12/17/10 Discovered PA 1/2, Discovered EA, 1/17 Served D: 1/27
We were discussing terms of divorce and as always, it turned emotional:
Me: How can I trust that you'll honor this contract when you've casually violated the most important and sacred contract a person can make?
STBX: Marriage is about partnership and love. You were a bad partner and husband. I don't love you.
Me: I wasn't a bad partner.
I KNOW that this is the exact thing I can't say, but I lose all emotional control when interacting with her. Every time I talk to her I'm a wreck. It doesn't matter. She's divorcing me in 48 hours.
M:31 WAW:25 T: 5 years M: 6/25/10 Bomb: 12/17/10 Discovered PA 1/2, Discovered EA, 1/17 Served D: 1/27
ots, I've just read through your posts. Honestly, these are some of the most shocking words I've heard on this forum. I know what I am supposed to say to you but I can't manage to say it. No one deserves the venom that your W is spewing. No one.
Your W is a child and I suspect has many profound issues. I'm sorry, I'm sure I'm a bit out of line, but really I am just shocked by what I am reading.
I'm glad you stayed with your family today instead of going home. Seriously, ots, you need to figure out a way to get your life back. You need to be okay with who you are and be okay ON YOUR OWN. You need not be dating right now because you need to work on your self confidence. Honestly, PLEASE, read your posts again from beginning to end. Have someone you really, really trust read these posts from beginning to end. There is something not right about your W and your situation.
And seriously, STOP TALKING TO HER. The more you engage her in these conversations, the more venom. What are you accomplishing by doing this. You can control your emotions. Believe me, if you met me, you'd understand I KNOW what I am talking about. I used to fly off the handle at the drop of a hat. Now, I AM in control. It is a matter of being VERY mindful of how you are feeling and stopping yourself when you know you are about to react. Think about what you are trying to accomplish.
ots, I am very, very sorry for what you are going through. I really am. How you feel does matter very much to people.
OK. I told her today that all D talk is to go through my L.
Since for the past couple weeks, every painful discussion has been precipitated by STBXW calling to discuss D details, that should give me a break from the pain for long enough for me to gather my strength.
M:31 WAW:25 T: 5 years M: 6/25/10 Bomb: 12/17/10 Discovered PA 1/2, Discovered EA, 1/17 Served D: 1/27
I think that is a very wise move. Go dark. Build your strength. Give yourself time to make some of the changes you've wanted to make and do some of the things that you wanted to do. Realize that you are worth something and that you deserve respect. Make sure that you are giving respect also.
You are going to make it through this. I know it may not feel like it right now, but you are.
Had talk with lawyer today. The D isn't going to happen overnight. Its a matter of weeks, not days. I do have a third (and final) job interview back home on Friday. Means I'm going back to the house Thursday night.
Serene acceptance and looking good at all times. GAL. No emotional breakdowns. I don't know that I'm gonna be DB'ing per se, but I think its good advice none the less.
M:31 WAW:25 T: 5 years M: 6/25/10 Bomb: 12/17/10 Discovered PA 1/2, Discovered EA, 1/17 Served D: 1/27
I know it's tough to think logically about financial issues when you've been hit by an emotional mack truck, but I want to walk you through a few scenarios.
It sounds like, in this short marriage, the house and any debts are the only real things to be split up - correct? And I believe you said she wants to leave the house to you?
Consider this carefully for the moment. I'm assuming the house purchase is fairly recent, so any equity in it is likely just the down payment, IF you're lucky?
So - consider the following scenarios and think CAREFULLY about what is best for you:
A) She keeps the house and buys you out. She would have to be able to qualify for a new loan on her income alone, in order to get you off the mortgage. The absolute worst thing is for you to still be on the mortgage papers but you've signed the house over to her - NEVER do that. If she defaults, you're on the hook for a loan on a house you don't own.
B) YOU keep the house and buy HER out. Again, normally YOU would have to qualify for a new loan, which you won't be able to do with your recent work history, I'm guessing. And unless there's a substantial amount of equity in the home, it could be risky. Let's take a hypothetical scenario: you own a house worth $100k and had put 20k down so the mortgage is 80k. You pay her $10k and refi the house to a 90k mortgage to cover it. Next year you're out of work again and can't afford to keep the house, so you sell it. After you pay 6k in realtor's fees, plus closing costs for the loan and money to spruce up the house to sell - you probably walk away with zero in your pocket - ASSuming you can sell it for the original $100k. If the market has dropped, you could LOSE money. And SHE walked away with 10k.
Let's take another hypothetical - still a 100k house with an 80k mortgage. You keep the house and she agrees to give up her equity in the home to you. She also agrees to leave her name on the mortgage for 2 years (which would be STUPID on HER part but hey, if she's in such a hurry to get out she might be dumb enough to agree to it). If you are still forced to sell in a year, at least you have some equity to work with and MIGHT come out a tiny bit ahead.
Third scenario - you agree to sell the house and split the profit, if any. This way you are both equally on the hook if you lose money on the house.
Think VERY carefully. If you've only owned the house a short time, I rather doubt it makes any sense for either of you to keep it.
