Australia part two

[kat727]

Hey, I certainly wouldn't want some one hanging around by the phone, or constantly checking their cell phone for me to call or text. I think you are reading way to much into. He will call you when he is able just as you do for him. He is fine with you calling, just leave a message and leave it at that.

(((((Julia))))) I know it is hard starting from scratcha gain.

kat

[JCJ]

It isn't really that I am hanging around waiting for a message or call, it is more really my confidence in taking the initiative and how often.

I am coming to realise that I think I always thought that when i had a new relationship it would be the same as my old r with exh and things aren't - for good and for bad, it is very different. I think because my confidence in this area isn't up and I tend to be hyper-vigilant it makes it harder to know what is 'normal'.

[kat727]

I wasn't meaning that you were waiting by the phone. I was meaning you wouldn't want that to be the case either way. Don't over analyze it. I think you will just end up getting more comfortable not expecting quick responses. Give yourself a break.

kat

[JCJ]

So today I am having another irrational panic. I keep having these sudden irrational panics, they are getting less now but they are still appearing which says to me that there is an underlying problem and I am finding it really hard to isolate what it is.

Joe came down to Melbourne to see me and to get a job for a few weeks. It was really lovely to see him and we spent a lovely weekend together. We were chatting and he said to me that I don't talk about my past much and when I talk about it I was very brief. I think this is a product of the divorce really, as I have got so used to glossing over stuff. Anyway, I ended up telling him a few personal things, like the fact that I hadn't been very happy at school etc and he said it was really good to know that info and he felt like he was getting to know me better and wanted me to tell him more. Unfortunately he also said 'see, Julia isn't so boring after all, I really enjoyed your stories and you made me laugh, I'm starting to learn more about you'. The problem is he said the words that I had been dreading - that I was boring. I am sure he didn't mean them in the actual sense of I was boring after all he wouldn't have wanted t ospend Christmas with me and come down to Melbourne with me and talk about doing farm work with me if that was the case. But it left me with the old familiar sense of anxiety that is so familiar to me and it has taken me a while to work out what the actual issue is.

I feel anxious when I am with him as I am scared he will think I am boring and this makes me guarded and inhibited. When I leave him I analyse my behaviour and worry that he will not contact me again.

Does any of this sound familiar? It is exactly how I used to feel with exh and I am cross that I am repeating the same pattern. It is not making me happy. I think the underlying reason I feel this way is because exh left me for another woman and to live a (his perception) more fun and carefree life. Now in retrospect I know this was crisis fog and actually he didn't want it at all but now I feel this insecurity and I don't want it to jeorpardise future relationships.

Does anyone else feel like this and have any suggestions?

[JCJ]

As I am spilling my worries... The other thing that I am worried about is my habit of fixing things. By nature if I can help someone, especially someone I care about, I will.

Joe was stuck in Sydney with no money as he hadn't been paid and his Christmas money hadn't come through. He was getting more and more depressed there but instead of offering (which is what I ususally do) to help him out I waited till he asked me. I paid for his flight and the first couple of nights accomodation here and he found a job straight away and has already paid me back half the money. I have been in the same situation and people have helped me, however as exh used to rely on me so much to sort things out, and then threw it back in my face I am wary of helping people - or giving too much. I also don't want him to feel indebted to me or not feel manly.

On Sunday he had lost his phone charger, so I said I would lend him one and we agreed he would meet me outside my work building at 1pm to collect it. This was after we had spent the day together on Sunday. He didn't turn up and of course I tried to phone but his phone was dead. He has never let me down before - of course he could have just forgotten or any number of things. But I am unsure of what to do next - I have the feeling nothing especially when I am stressing so much. I feel like I am in the 'crazy' and I need to micro manage every situation. It isn't good! What did I do all this divorce busting for to feel this way all over again when there really isn't any need.

He couldn't be nicer to me you know, he has said lovely things, texts me when he has credit (and I have credit) and has been really affectionate. I just seem to play out scenes and scenarios in my head based on my exh experience.

[kml]

Ah, the negative "gifts" our exes leave us on their way out the door!!!!

Luckily, I'm a person with a fairly strong sense of self, so I didn't really take my ex-husband's weird complaints about me totally to heart. But just yesterday, I was dining with some old school chums, and they were asking me advice (based on my work). As I told them a few things they were actually very very interested in what I had to say (I AM good at what I do). But at a certain point, I did have a moment of pause, thinking about one of my ex's complaints - that I'm only friends with people I can boss around! (SO untrue btw - just because people ask for my advice does not mean I enjoy bossing them around, and these friends I've known for 40 years!)

I guess my point is - I know his complaint was rubbish, and CERTAINLY didn't apply in any way to THESE friends - still, he contaminated my mind for just a second there.

Now - if you know that you had an issue with not being able to be open with boyfriends BEFORE your husband - that's perhaps something you want to work on, loosening up a bit and all. But if it's just the nasty residue of your ex - try not to let him contaminate your present.

[sgctxok]

Just pull back a little. Let him do for you on his level. He'll come back around. He might be feeling a bit insecure too.

I started having panic attacks after my divorce. I spent a few years fairly poor since I was going back to school, and I attributed the panic attacks--and depression--to that chaos. This was all pre-DB. But it would especially hit me waiting in line someplace. It was like I couldn't handle waiting in line at McDonalds. Even if it was a fairly short line. I'd sweat, I'd feel like I was having a heart attach, I'd get dizzy. Or just sort of freeze up. I think lots of things can cause it like getting pre-menopausal, but the stress doesn't help.

It's funny how divorce doesn't really change our relationship problems. We still have our issues.

But you get to build a R and now you have a manual. And that's wonderful. You're going to go through stuff, and some of it is going to feel way too familiar and some of it brand new....but you get to DB it from the ground up. It's kind of like you're really DBing yourself--because you are teaching yourself skills. That's what DBing really is. And you are empowered. And more loving. And you will probably teach your new partner some skills. It won't be too long and it will get fun.


So--your AS IF attitude is what you need to focus on. But use your KLA tape and listen to that part again.

"I feel anxious when I am with him as I am scared he will think I am boring and this makes me guarded and inhibited. When I leave him I analyse my behaviour and worry that he will not contact me again. "

What if you were sure that you were so much fun. And you knew he thought you were so much fun? How would you behave? What was it like when you were just having a blast? Get a good strong memory of that. What was going on?

The next time you're going to see him, just put yourself in that place again. You know you can be fun. So be fun. Have a good time.

[JCJ]

kml - you are right, that was his parting gift and it floored me. It wasn't a problem for me being open before and I have no problem being open with my girlfriends. I just seem to get paranoid with him. I hadn't realised that, thank you.

SG - Brilliant! I will try that and you are so right in all respects. I hadn't thought of it that way.

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Julia, sorry you are having wobbles. What strikes me about your posts (and all your Joe posts in fact) is... its not you, its him.

It worries me more that you cant see that!!! We do get stuck in patterns of the type of men we attract/date, believe me I did. Just because someone says hurtful/abusive things and slightly keeps you in a paranoid, gotta try harder state of mind becuase they flit in and out, blow slightly hot and cold, doesnt mean that YOU are boring, that YOU need to work on anything, or that there is something wrong with YOU.

The person who is at fault here .. is Joe. He doesnt have money for this and that so he expects some girl he is randomly dating in another town to sort it out for him??? Or allows her to. Kinda childish hey. And.. he borrows your phone charger (a valuable commodity at any time, but especially when you are miles from home).. and then he DIDNT TURN UP TO MEET YOU to give it back?? And didnt call or text to say he was going to be late/not there/apoligise and even had a dead battery when you called him? How disrespectful! Is that how you would treat someone?

These things arent acceptable.

I think your self esteem may be slightly off because you keep making excuses and justifications for this guy, who clearly isnt a keeper.

And as for..."'see, Julia isn't so boring after all, I really enjoyed your stories and you made me laugh, I'm starting to learn more about you'. The problem is he said the words that I had been dreading - that I was boring. I am sure he didn't mean them in the actual sense of I was boring after all he wouldn't have wanted to spend Christmas with me and come down to Melbourne with me and talk about doing farm work with me if that was the case."

...well, you sure about that? Maybe he was at a loose end. Maybe hes a user. Maybe he just doesnt know how to treat people. His comment is arrogant and frankly cruel and a way to keep you in your place.. trying to impress him. Hey I'm no pyschologist, but I once was seeing a guy just like this, he could be so charming and would chase me, then come out with a comment like that, which crushed me and my view of myself and made me unsure of myself.. around him.

I never met anyone before or since which I had such mind blowing chemistry with, but so what, wow its a relief he's no longer in my life making me doubt myself. Since then, I only surround myself with people who love and respect me, not undermine me. Hey it takes all sorts to make a world and one persons view of boring is not anothers, so what? You're you and you need to find your 'tribe' who get you for who you are.

If I were you hun... I would run for the hills from this guy. You deserve better.

Al xxx

[MichelleLT]

I think most of us took severe self-esteem blows from our exes. There's nothing like being left for another woman to make you insecure right? What greater slap in the face can there possibly be? Then if that's not enough they have to go and say horrible things to justify their actions, make it out like it's all our faults.

Of course we are all scarred from that.

But Ali has a point. The comments that set you off are not really compliments. They are like when my ex sorta apologized for cheating on me, then threw in the "but you looked better with long hair." It took me a while to pull out why I felt slapped, but when I did it made me furious because he was making lame excuses again.

Now, Joe is a fun fun fling. And it's great that he's made an effort to see you and hang out and that you have had fun. But you know he's immature, that he's fighting with his own addictions, that he's not long-term anything material. So don't get so wrapped up in what he thinks. He's not good enough for you anyhow! He is lucky you spend time with him!!!