Sitting in my house all alone...

[Navyguy]

Hello everyone, here's my story. I thank you all in advance for the time and care you put into this board. It really seems like a special community. I have a WAW which I still love dearly.

I am a 31 y/o civil engineer military officer, my wife is a 30 y/o homemaker. We met in September 2001, and got married in April 2004. Neither of us had much previous relationship experience. We have been through a lot together, and I want us back together more than anything. Since we were married, we have had 2 absolutely wonderful kids, D5 and S2, lived in 5 different houses, and I did 2 6-month deployments.

I think she has been unhappy since our daughter was born. She had (and still is) completely detached from me and has had the wall up ever since. She has never been good at communicating, and I think that comes from her childhood, she had a very emotionally/physically abusive father. She has always kept everything bottled up, and the few times she did try to talk to me about her unhappiness (which I now know was very difficult for her) I always came up with excuses which ended up making her feel bad and she would give up, resent me for it, and then act happy again for 6-12 months until she tried talking to me about it again. Of course, I always thought it was a little thing and was clueless to the fact that I was destroying our marriage.

My wife sent me an ILYBINILY-type e-mail while I was deployed to Afghanistan in May 2009. That is when I finally realized that she was truly unhappy. There were tons of warning signs and I missed them all...I have no excuse for that other than inexperience and ignorance. I have devoted my life to working on becoming a better husband and father since I got that devastating e-mail.
I think the vast majority of her discontent came from the first few years after our daughter was born. I was not there for her like a good husband and father should be. After she was born, I continued to live my life like I didn’t have a daughter. I had a video game addiction and I regularly would go play golf or go mountain biking and leave her at home with our daughter. I would always ask her if she cared if I went, and she never said she did, but apparently she really did. The video game addiction was probably the worst…she saw it as me saying a video game was more important to me than her and our daughter, and looking back I’m sure she was justified in thinking that. I always thought I had a good balance in life, because I would still do things with her and our daughter on what I thought was a regular basis, but obviously she didn’t see it that way.
Around the time our son was born, I started to turn things around, but looking back now I don’t think I had my whole heart into it, and I think I over-compensated at times but still continued with some of the bad behavior as well.

After I got the ILYBINILY e-mail I started really researching what could be wrong. I came across the WAW story on the internet and it instantly spoke volumes to me. I ordered DR while I was in Afghanistan and read it cover to cover twice prior to coming back home. My wife picked me up from the airport and I told her that I was a changed person and that I was going to prove it to her. For the past year and a half I have been trying to show her I am a better husband and father, and I do think that I truly have made some hugely positive changes in my life. I am now totally devoted to her and my kids, and she has acknowledged that I am really a great father now. I implemented many of the strategies from DR successfully, but at the same time, I screwed things up big time. In addition to improving myself, I tried to fix her too. I constantly did “temperature-checks” with her and wanted/asked/begged for her to recognize my changes and to let go of the past. She would always tell me that she was unhappy for so long and that she just needed more time. I would let it go, and things would get better for awhile, but then I would screw it up by asking her why things were still not good for her. Every time it would send us back to square one. I constantly wanted her to give back, and she just wasn’t there…and all I was doing was pushing her further away every time. We had recently both started seeing counselors separately and that has been a great experience for me. I don’t know how she’s been doing with hers, but I don’t think her counselor has been entirely helpful (more to follow on that one).

Over Christmas I pushed her over the edge. We travelled back to Colorado for Christmas and we had 2 days together in the car. I was concerned about the drive on the way and I worked with my counselor to come up with a plan to make it go smoothly. I think I had a good plan, but it went out the window after the first hour of the drive. I flashed my brights at a car about an hour after we left for going very slow in the left lane. I used to be a very aggressive driver and that was something else that really bothered my wife. She never told me that, but since our kids were born I have mellowed out a lot behind the wheel. Anyways, that incident pissed her off and I had no idea. For the next day and a half I had been trying to implement my plan for making the drive fun and working on our communication with each other, but all it was doing was pissing her off more, because all she could think about was me flashing my brights. Once we got to Colorado we had a couple good days, but then I got needy again. I started really pushing her to start communicating with me and tell me when I was doing something she didn’t like. She saw that as me trying to blame her for our problems (similar to back when she used to try to talk to me about problems) and she just lost it. She started throwing out every single thing I have ever done wrong (even a few from before we were married) and I just kept pushing the communication issue. She then told me about a conversation she had with her counselor. Her counselor asked her if she thought I was cheating on her. Her response was “no, but I don’t think I’d care if he was”. The counselor was very surprised by this response and told her that she didn’t realize how upset she really was. The counselor then told my wife that she needs to decide if she can get over the past and forgive me, and if not, it’s not worth trying to save our marriage. She became more upset than I have ever seen her…she could hardly breathe she was crying so hard. This broke my heart…so I decided that we just needed to stop talking that night and try again tomorrow. So I did, and by then she had already decided she had had it. We had been staying at my parents house together, but that day she packed up her stuff and went over to stay with her sister (our families are both from the same town). I thought it was only going to be for a couple nights but it wasn’t…
Our plan for the trip was to go home for Christmas, and then after new years I had to go to California for 2 weeks for a class and she was going to stay in Colorado to help her sister who was due with a new baby on January 11th. Her sister had the baby on December 23rd, so I figured she would be coming back home to DC when my class was done on January 14th. A couple days after the huge blow up I asked her when she was planning on coming back home, and she told me she didn’t know. I was completely devastated when she told me that. For the next couple days until I went to California I kept trying to talk to her and talk her into committing to coming back. Every time I tried talking to her, she would get so upset, and it would end with her telling me she doesn’t know what she’s going to do. I couldn’t believe that she would keep me away from our kids, and the thought of being apart from them was really killing me. After the first week in California, and a few bad phone calls, I decided that talking to her about things was doing nothing but hurting my cause. I went online and read the DB website and that is when I FINALLY came to the realization that I need to let go. I am now working on the last resort technique, but it has been a constant struggle. I think it would be easier if she was around DC and I could see the kids, but they are 2000 miles away. I told her that I am going to leave her alone to give her time to think, and if she or the kids want to talk or need me for anything, I’m a phone call away. It has now been over a week since I’ve been back home alone, and it is a constant battle to not pick up the phone and tell her that I need her and the kids back here and that this is killing me. She has called a couple times to let the kids talk to me, but she does not want to talk to me. We’ve talked a few times about some logistics things, and I talked to her a bit last night about what her counselor said to her and told her that everything I have learned says that her counselor was terribly wrong. I also proposed some phone or skype counseling, but she did not respond. I asked her to think about it. I have been thinking about taking a long weekend to go see the kids in Colorado next weekend. I’m not sure if this is a good idea or not. I really, really want to see them and I miss them and they miss me terribly.

Basically, I feel like a lack of experience, perception, and communication has destroyed my marriage. I feel like I would be such a good husband if she would take me back…and I will NEVER again pressure her to “fix” herself. I’ve been thinking about sending her Michelle’s youtube WAW video, because I think it would speak volumes to her and give her some hope, but I don’t know if that’s a good idea or not…again she’ll likely see it as me trying to fix her.
I love her so much, and all I want is to make things right. I feel like I have let her down terribly and failed as a husband and failed my children. They can’t have their daddy right now because mommy can't stand to be around me. Thank you all for taking the time to read this. I really look forward to becoming part of this community, and I hope that someone reads this and it prevents them from going through what I am right now.

[Truegritter]

Navy

Welcome to these boards.

Some of what is happening is your fault. Stuff you should own and change if you care to.

What stuff?

Her complaints that hit home. The ones that sting you should look at.

My first thing to you is it took a while to get to where you are in the M and it won't be fixed over night.

This takes a lot of patience.

The good thing is you are here and there are some great people here to help you.

she had a very emotionally/physically abusive father.

The gift that keeps on giving...

Childhood trauma comes back in adulthood.

I am not a health professional but be prepared that she may be dealing with some demons you didn't create and you can't fix.

Keep posting and some folks will be by to provide support.

Weekends are slow though...

[Navyguy]

Thanks True. I am totally committed to making myself a better person, and I know I have come a long ways but still have a long ways to go....I am totally open to any feedback anyone has, and please dont worry about hurting my feelings. If I'm doing things wrong or I'm screwed up I want to know it.

[2stepboogie]

Hey Navy,

Stick around and post often a lot of us here are in similar situations. My W is 1500 miles away and left three months ago today. For the first 3 weeks we didn't speak at all, this was her healing and thinking time. I was going insane and every minute of the day I was checking my phone still do.

When she first contacted me it was all business but the conversation lasted two hours. At the time I had just read DR and it was fresh in my mind for a few weeks after communication started to go pretty smoothly I thought but she said some really hurtful things. By Christmas time I had lost all memory of the book and started to get a little frustrated and sent her a short text telling her I was done. My goal was to get some sort of emotion out of her well, I did. On Jan 5th she filed.

Recently I bought another copy of DR and started practicing LRT and reading the book again and communication has improved. I also got the DB counseling.

Moral of the story; Read the book often and REALLY stick to the principles. I am learning along the way and have made many mistakes but I have found this website to be a real lifesaver for me. At this point I really have no idea what is going to happen but stick around.

True Gritt:

I have read some of your post and really appreciate your advice and insight I would love your thoughts on my sitc

[FellOnBlackDays]

Navy,
Let me also say "Welcome to the group that no one ever wanted to be a part of..." But, there are some AWESOME folks on here with a ton of experience.

My first piece of advice to you would be this. If you have some dead time on hour hands, don't spend it just beating yourself up. Get on this forum and start reading about the situations many of us are in. I found it so helpful to read these posts and realize that even though I thought I was being singled out to suffer, I was wrong. Almost every story on here has something in common with another situation on another member's post. Why is this important? Because it will help you to understand that you are not the first person to make mistakes and you are not the first person to end up in a bad marital situation. This was really, really helpful for me. When my W left, I thought I was all alone. Then I found this forum and it has really helped to change my perspective. So, just pick a post and start reading. I promise you, you will find numerous stories just like yours here. And, that is a good thing, I promise.

Visit here often. You can come her to cry, vent, celebrate, ponder, whatever you like. Imagine if you will being snatched from your bed in the middle of the night and locked in a room with a bunch of strangers. After some time, you began to talk to the strangers and they started filling you in on what goes on in this "prison," so to speak. Wouldn't it feel good to have a bit of insight as to what is ahead? Well, my friend, that is what you will find here. A bunch of folks that have been here for some time and can help you with what is coming your way.

Glad to have another service member on board. You are not supposed to share too much personal info here, but I would guess it would be OK to let you know that I served in the USN myself during Desert Storm. I loved my time in the service. Sometimes I wish I would have stayed in.

Take care of yourself, eat right, exercise and come here for help whenever you are in trouble. There are some AWESOME folks on here. You will be amazed at the friendship and support you will find here.

Remember, the only easy day here is yesterday!

Keep your head up!

FOBD

[what next?]

I wish I would have found this board when I was still in your stage. My wife had filed before I got here so much of my LRT time has been spent with her negotiating the split of assets. I still believe that I have a chance to save my marriage though I think the legal divorce is going to happen. Just know that she is out there thinking and hurting and if you give her time to get control of her emotions she might not want to run any more. I sent my wife the WAW video and I have no idea if she watched it or not but I know that it doesn't seem to have made a difference. All of the advice that I see on here says don't send it but then the women that post who were close to being WAW's say that a big reason they didn't go was because they found this sight. (But they say if they would have been shown the site by their H it wouldn't have worked...) such a catch 22.

[dixiegal]

Hi Navy,

I'm so sorry your going thru this...We all understand we are all on the same boat with you. In the past week, I have gotten somoe really good feedback. This board has helped me to vent and get out what I need to. Versus me calling H and telling him off. I understand, you beating yourself up for your mistakes. I do it too. I pushed so hard days before Christmas that my H walked right out it. I didnt see the progress the things he'd been saying the last few months...

But, I cant change the past and you cant either. Lets face it your W and my H share a piece of it also. So, you have to start reading those books over and over. I also lean on GOD TONS. It helps me stay focused...even when it feels like THIS IS IT he is REALLY gone.

The folks on this board...tell me hold on...no its not...dont give up now....you too...dont give up....HOLD ON...

But, 1st stop pushing, NO crying, begging, pleading, writing emails, letters...DO NOT SAY I love you....they hate that right now...it makes them feel worse/guilt which makes them run farther.

I know it hurts like He*L...but, stay focused on controling your emtions and actions right now...you have to show her a new side of you...calm very collected...no matter what hurtful things she says...

Praying for you Navy...always for us all!

[Navyguy]

Thank you all so much for the advice and support. I can tell already that this place is going to be crucial to me getting through the really rough days.

What do you all think as far as me calling her to talk to our kids or me flying out there to see them on a long weekend? It seems to me there is a bit of a conflict between putting the kids first and LRT in my case.

[Navyguy]

Thanks to everyone for the advice and support, I really appreciate it and I know that this forum is going to be very helpful on those really rough days.

I was wondering what everyone thinks as far as me calling my W to talk to the kids? Should I be calling regularly? It seems to me there is a conflict between calling to talk to the kids and LRT. Also, should I take a long weekend to fly back to see them?

[Navyguy]

Thanks everyone for the advice and support...I can tell already that this forum is going to be crucial to me being able to stick to the plan.

I was wondering what everyone thinks about me calling regularly to talk to our kids. Should I be doing that? What about flying out to see them during the separation? It seems to me that in my case there is a conflict between LRT and putting the kids first. Any ideas are greatly appreciated.