W Left almost 3 months ago

[2stepboogie]

I will try to make this short but still hit all the main points.
W Left 21 Oct 10. We have been talking and I even went to go see her in Oklahoma. I live in Jersey. She says she felt broken and shattered she needed to leave for her sanity. She got a job where she grew up and an apartment. Contact began a few weeks after she left. Most of the contact was initiated by her. Normally we would talk for several hours and when we didn’t talk we would text till 3am. Went to see her in Oklahoma in December and spent 5 days. No sex but we did talk and I did see her everyday while I was there. We left agreeing to talk more often; at this point we had been talking about 1-2 times a week. Upon my return we spoke every day until after Christmas and we didn’t speak for two days. I was depressed because of the holidays and sent her a nasty text that got an equal nasty response. Up until that point her mantra was 1 day at a time and no promises. On Jan 5th she filed. Spoke that day for over two hours, I did not know about the filing but at the end of the conversation she told me. I was furious but kept my anger in check. After I hung up she texted around 1:30am and we texted back and forth, she said she felt as if she had no choice and she was angry at the world not just me.
Next day the text continued and I asked her not to do this still believing she had not actually filed. She said “you can’t ram your opinion down my throat and I don’t see how it could work out. I can’t just forgive and forget and start fresh like you can” We agreed not to talk anymore because all we were doing was hurting each other. Sunday she called and we spoke debt, I told her if the divorce is what she wanted I would not fight her and I agreed with her she said this was her closure she had to file and she did not know what would happen in the future and at some point we might talk again. But we needed time to heal because we were both hurting and angry. Monday I got the divorce papers and she contacted me via text Monday to remind me about some bills that needed taken care off. Tuesday we briefly spoke about some bills and she was angry because of all the credit card debt I had left her I told her she had a right to hate me and I would not blame her if she did not ever want to talk to me again. She said I don’t hate you I am just mad at life. Last night she spoke to my daughter (we have been together since my daughter was one) she said “damn you for putting us in this situation and hurting her” I told her the blame lied with me and not to blame herself. We spoke a few minutes and she said she would call her again tomorrow, which is today.
So here are my questions……. Am I hoping a hopeless dream? Realistically how many people stop divorce after it has been filed? I feel that as long as I have hope I am keeping myself from moving forward. I read Michele’s book and practiced it for awhile but then went right back to making all the mistakes you’re not suppose to make and she filed. We can speak as often as I like she always answers or returns my calls but usually I don’t call her she calls me. I did my first DB session with Jody this week and have my second set up for Monday. Right now I have the papers and I am going to be signing them this week but I really think that at one point we are both going to look back and say this could have been saved and I want to do it before it is too late.
I know about getting a life and making changes but she has already secured a loan for the divorce and knowing her I just don’t see her throwing that money away to stop the divorce can the changes come too late? So many questions so little answers………….

[dbmod]

^

[hope2011]

Has she said why she left? What complaints does she have about you and the marriage? What 180's are you doing? I ask because it's hard to respond or give advice without knowing her reasoning. Were you too controlling? If so, then a 180 is signing the D paperwork and giving her control. If not, then maybe you should consider asking her to wait 90 days or something. Surely she complained (all WAS's do - we just don't listen until it's too late).... so what can you work on?

[Denver_2010]

I have the same questions as hope. I understand that you are validating her anger towards you for your role in the breakdown of the M, but you haven't told us what that is? Is that something that you can share?

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. My W and I are physically separated too. This is the worst experience of my life. You are not alone. I can't answer your question as to whether or not others have saved M once D papers filed, but I have read that there have been situations where this has happened. Also, I read in a book that up to 14% of all couples who divorce, reconcile later and remarry.

I wouldn't lose hope yet if I were you, but I also understand how feeling that "false hope" keeps us from moving forward for nothing. Again, I don't have an answer for you here. I am in the same boat.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Hope is hope.
False hope is looking back in hindsight at things that didn't go the way we hoped they would. Or when a person looks at someone else as naive.

If you have a goal, don't look at the percentages, just aim for that goal.

I read Michele’s book and practiced it for awhile but then went right back to making all the mistakes you’re not suppose to make and she filed.

Are you saying that things were going good between you and your wife while you followed the advice in the book? If so...why aren't you trying to follow it still?

[Surreal35]

I am in a similar situation but my wife won't talk to me. I have also heard of people getting back together after papers are filed but before D is final. Also after the D. As far as how many? I wish I knew. I am holding on to hope but I try to put it in the back of my mind. IMO you have to act as though you know the divorce is going to go through and be the best possible man you can be. I know it stinks. Hang in there. I wish you all the best.

[dbmod]

^

[2stepboogie]

She has said many reasons why she left. She has said that she felt undermined in the house like she didn't matter, she served no purpose. She felt as if she was literally going crazy like something was wrong with her. I made her feel worse by criticizing her or her parenting skills. She felt as if the house was three against one and I didn't hear her or cared about her feelings. She had threatened to leave before but always backed off, twice as a matter of fact, At first I was a ball or nerves but as the situation started to get worse between us the third time she threatened to leave I didn't do much to stop her. I was angry at the constant threats. I was very stubborn in my belief that if a woman does not want to be with you so be it!
Then I read Michelle’s book, and Men are from Mars book and the 5 Love Languages and all of a sudden I understood where my wife was coming from this whole time and my world just collapsed because I realized what a great woman I had. I also understood myself a little bit better and why I reacted in such a way sometimes. If you would have asked me in October if our marriage had any hope I would of said I don’t think but today I feel like our situation could have been resolved. I hear and read the post here and there is so much pain. I have kept a journal this whole time and as I look back and read it I am actually getting worse. Today I signed my D for Girl Scouts and when I filled the application and it required the mother’s info I almost broke down crying. I was ashamed for having been responsible for tearing my family apart. This last Friday I woke up crying, at around 3PM I cried in my kitchen for absolutely no reason. At night after my D went to bed I cried like a child. What the hell is happening to me, I asked my wife if she had ever seen me cry and she said never. I can’t remember the last time I cried.
Sorry I am rambling, back to the story. On December 10th I paid a surprise visit. She had no idea I was coming. When she answered the door she smiled really big but then got really upset. We drove around for 3 hours just talking mostly she was upset with me. She showed me where she worked and her new apartment. The next day we went to a bar with some friends and she danced with me after the song she looked at me and said “why couldn’t you just be nice” broke down crying and went to the bathroom. Told me it was the first time she had cried since she left. It felt as if someone had ripped my heart out. AGAIN! Saturday I really screwed up. She called and we were having a really nice talk joking around I gave her plenty of chances to hang up but she kept asking questions and talking. Then the M came up I felt good enough to ask to hold off the divorce we can work through this her response almost word for word
“I am glad you’re making changes I am also, but we move forward with those changes not go backwards. I am sorry you’re hurting but what you are asking me I can’t do. I can’t just forgive and forget and trust you again just like that. You would go back to your old ways. I can’t keep having this conversation with you now your upset and I am upset. I have no crystal ball I don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow or in six months but I just don’t see us getting back together again. “
Sounds pretty freaking clear to me! I don’t know guys I am hurting really bad. I feel almost completely responsible for this. A lost decade!
I promise my post will become more coherent after I get all this off my chest.

[lostinscared]

Adae,

I'll tell you what everyone tells me when I get where you are. BREATH AND CALM DOWN.

Holy cow, there is hope here. If you want my opinion, there is a lot of hope here. First things first, if the divorce becomes final, do you believe that signals the end of your hope? It's important to define what you think your hope is based on. See, everyone's situation is different and I am sure I'll get these words thrown in my face sometime soon, but your marriage certificate was not the signal that you loved her nor is the divorce decree the signal that it is over.

She IS reacting and interacting with you. I am not so sure about showing up unannounced but I'm going to let one of the vets walk you through that.

She needs to see your changes stick. That's what needs to happen. I'm queen of making changes for a few weeks and then reverting back to my old behavior then crying on my thread that my marriage is over. So believe me, I make no judgments. It took you a long time to get into this situation and its going to take a long time before she believes you really have changed.

Please do not believe that this is the end. Do not believe a divorce decree is the end. There is hope. There is always hope if you're willing to work the program. One of my dearest friends divorced his wife and then remarried her.

Hang in there and I repeat BREATHE.

[2stepboogie]

lostinscared...

Thank You. Phew! To tell you the truth I feel a little better. It took me a week to figure this thread thing out when my thread finally got approved I just let it all out in two hard to read post.

After Saturday's talk she has gone dark. I think she felt the conversation was going good and then it soured, she had to tell me no again and she is tired of doing that. Something she said the night she told me she filed was that talking to me was her reliving her leaving me all over again. She was exhausted and tired. After that we spoke a few days later and I apologized for blowing up about the divorce.

I told her if she felt this was the best option I would agree. I was sorry to keep pressuring her about getting back together and felt it was unfair. Her response "Thank you. I appreciate that. I had to file, it was my closure if that makes sense. We should probably stop talking for awhile because we are both very hurt and all we are doing is opening up the wound over and over again. It is harder for us to recover and heal if we just keep hurting each other. We should talk only if it is necessary. I'm not saying I don't ever want to talk to you again but we need time to heal. I have made many mistakes also and I will read the books you gave me but I am not ready right now. I can't concentrate. I have to keep myself busy and I can't lay in bed and cry all day because I have bills to pay" I asked her if I should hold on to the divorce papers for a bit or just sign them and send them back she said " I can't make you sing them if you refuse"

A few days later she called again to talk about an idea she had regarding our debt. I praised her and agreed. That was two weeks ago. That week we spoke almost every day until Saturday that we had that talk. Now she has completely gone dark on me. I just keep making mistakes one after another.

My DB told me she filed because I sent her that text and W felt as if I was trying to get control again so she filed to show me she was in charge. I told W I would sign and send her the papers not the attorney and she could do as she please with them. I told her also she really didn't have to turn them in "she laughed and said "I already got the loan and I already paid him" I said ok that's fine but if you hold it you would have to pay it either way she said " why don't you go ahead and sign them anyways babe just in case" This was before she went dark.

I know it's a lot but I am trying to catch you guys up. I lose hope one minute and the next I am ok. I don't know when it's time to give up. I guess if the divorce is final its final. I some point I have to face reality here or I will never heal. I guess for me personally hope ends with another man. When that happens I think I am done.

I've never been the emotionally weak one I have always hidden my feelings pretty good. Matter of fact one of my co-workers found out today I am separated from my wife and he was shocked. Had no idea I had been able to hide it so well for three months. Thanks for the response I have needed to get some of this stuff off my chest I feel like I am dying a slow painful death.