On Figurative Ledge - Talk Me Down?

[Denver_2010]

Hello all. I am starting a new thread bc my other one has seemed to died off. Here it is if you want the specifics on my situation.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2118866&page=1

I'm also starting this new thread bc it describes how I have been feeling for about 24 hours. I feel very deflated about my chances for saving my M. I am starting to doubt my strategies and beginning to feel that I am letting myself be disrespected by W. I really have no one to talk to about these feelings, bc I believe that my friends and family will agree with them and tell me to consider moving on from W and M.

My W dropped the bomb that she was leaving in early Nov. and she moved out the day after Thanksgiving. It has been roughly 7 weeks where we have had little to no contact. I believe that there is at least EA going on with OM although W said only friends the last time that we spoke about it which was right after she moved out. I have avoided conversation re OM bc of DB advice and frankly, I'm scared to hear that it has become PA. I know from BIL that, at least as of the middle of December, she spends a lot of time with OM.

I think that these feelings that are causing me to write/journal here today stem from reading some other people's threads. It seems that there are two schools of thought on situations where W has OM (or H has OW). The first being to apply LRT, GAL, 180s and wait patiently and hope that affair burns out. My understanding is that this is MWD's advice. Basically, this is the advice that my DB Coach gave me. She told me don't initiate contact, GAL, stay in touch with my step son, and basically wait for W to start making contact with me.

The second school of thought on dealing with OM is to set boundaries, the hard line approach. I think that I would be much more inclined to apply this if W still lived with me. She does not, we are 'separated', so I guess that I feel that maybe there's more leeway there. I don't know.

I was beginning to get hopeful right around xmas bc W did initiate contact with me for some really trivial things 6 out of 8 days... we then had a few days of no contact, and then we had contact for 3 or 4 straight days (Jan 2-Jan 6 or so). Some of that contact was initiated by me re me seeing step son, some of the contact was initiated by her re how to make my spaghetti sauce (again trivial stuff).

Overall, W has become much less hostile and actually, mostly, friendly with me. Right before she left me, she was like the devil towards me and then pretty much didn't contact me at all for the first few weeks that she was gone. But W did state as recently as 6 days ago that she wants Legal Separation for financial reasons. She did not say Divorce. Weird. I told her that I would not assist in either bc it is not what I want.

Anyway, I was thinking that this was some improvement. Now, there have been a few days of no contact again. I have been reading some threads on here where people suggest taking a hard line approach when OM involved. And here I am now doubting my strategy, feeling lost again, and feeling more disrespected by W than ever.

Again, I don't know what status of R bw W and OM is right now. It could be over, it could be PA, it could still be EA, it could be that W believes that she has met love of her life. I just don't know.

I do know that I feel like a schmuck the past couple of days that I am just sitting here patiently waiting while W just does whatever it is she's doing!

I do know that if give W ultimatum re OM or working on M that I need to be prepared to file for D myself bc W will not work on M right now and IF she is still "hanging out with" or whatever with OM, she will not stop it bc of anything I say. Ultimatum or Setting of Boundary will hasten end to my M.

I do know that if OM was not involved, that I wouldn't feel so badly about giving W the time and space that she needs to figure out what she wants in her life.

I do know that I am doing everything that I can to change some things about me that I don't like.

I do know that I want my M to survive this.

I do know that I love my W and SS.

I do know that I am beginning to resent W for bringing OM into our M. Will I ever be able to forgive her for this?

I don't know if I should be as angry about OM since W DID leave me physically almost immediately after EA began. Is A as bad if H and W separated as opposed to living together?

I DO KNOW that I am lost right now and am unsure of how to proceed.

[Denver_2010]

I just needed to vent. This weekend has been rough for me.

[zengypsy]

Hi again Denver.

I have been where you are. I still have days where I struggle, where I miss my H SO very much. You have to come to terms that your spouse right now, for whatever reason is NOT the women you married. She's still in there but SHE is going to have to re-find herself; you can't do it for her.

What you can do and have to do is focus on yourself. Get yourself stronger - as DR recommends GAL. Take up a hobby, rearrange your furniture, count snowflakes, keep a journal - anything. You have to force yourself to take away the focus on your M because there is nothing you can do about it at the moment. Is it hard? Without a shadow of a doubt but you can do it. More of the same will only get you the same. Your W is very clear about where YOU stand make no bones about that even if she isn't letting on that she does. You know that begging, pleading, blaming, pushing, showing your weak will not entice her to come back. Moer of the same will only get you the same. You have to show her that you are the person she fell in love with, that you can have a life without her even though you want one with her.

Do 180's - Go buy some new clothes, get a new haircut, work out, get a new job, go out with friends, go to church, volunteer etc. Your M depends on it. I would also advise that you don't have any contact with her at this juncture unless it's for financial, child issues. Your W doesn't see you in a different light right now. She thinks the OM is going to giver her what she thinks she's lacking in the M with you. Your actions must speak louder than your words.

If she wants a legal seperation or divorce, let her initate it. And if you have to lawyer up, she will possibly have to pay your legal fees since you didn't want this to begin with and you were forced in a way to get legal representation because you need to protect yourself.

You can move on without giving up even if a LS or D happens. You can be the greener grass. Sometimes the best thing is to let them go, so they can step back and see with more clarity what they have lost or could potentially lose. Reconnection has to come before reconciliation.

Focus on YOU first and foremost. YOU CAN DO IT!

[HRT]

Hi Denver,
I just wrote a long message to your thread here. But I deleted it. Didn't want to escalate things with my negativity (feeling alot like you are) All I will say is this, I don't think neither of us have detatched in the way that we are suppossed to. At least I know I haven't. I'm working on it though.

Hope you are feeling better when you read this.

[InAPickle]

Denver, you are still in the stage where W is living in your thoughts and emotions. You've got to get to a place where you're not constantly wonderning about her. The number one goal for you immediately is to work on the emotional detachment. It is not easy and it takes time but you'll soon realize that the emotional state you're in is getting old and tiresome. That does not mean you don't still love her and don't want to salvage the R, but slowley, little by little you are going to have to detach from her drama and not be dependent on her for your feelings and personal happiness.

Try not to spend too much time alone; be with other people, friends, family, or even coworkers or just make idle banter on these forums. The sooner you get to a point where you don't even give a sh!t where she is or what she's doing and who she's with, the sooner you regain control of the whole sitch. You can then establish concrete intermediate goals for your personal fulfillment as wall as the relationship, without the two being interdependent on one another, so that if one doesn't happen the other still can and vice versa.

My sitch has been driving me nuts for 2-1/2 months now and I am finally climbing out of the wreakage emotionally. If she serves me I'll deal with it. If she continues to sleep on the couch and avoid being with me, I'm fine now; I'll just wait her out and see what develops. I have accepted the fact; she is what she is and will do what she's gonna do.

Detach man: play golf, go fishing - life is too short for this crap so LIVE man.

[punchy]

I am in the same place in terms of my emotions. My wife and I are still together but she is having an EA which I have confronted her about, but which she has not ended.

I too am wrestling with the wait and see approach vs setting the hard boundaries. The wait and see approach is frustrating because she gets the benfits of having a home, financial support and a family and gets her other emotional needs met by the OM.

I wake up to nothing and go to bed with nothing re the wife not providing any emotional support. She doesn't even have the decency to say goodnight to me.

I would like nothing more than to give her the hardline boundaries speech, but am fearful that it will push her to divorce. If we did not have any kids, i would go there in a second, but am trying to keep things going as long as possible for the benefit of the kids.

I don't mind giving my wife time to sort out what she needs, but not when OM is in the picture.

[Denver_2010]

Denver, you are still in the stage where W is living in your thoughts and emotions. You've got to get to a place where you're not constantly wonderning about her. The number one goal for you immediately is to work on the emotional detachment. It is not easy and it takes time but you'll soon realize that the emotional state you're in is getting old and tiresome. That does not mean you don't still love her and don't want to salvage the R, but slowley, little by little you are going to have to detach from her drama and not be dependent on her for your feelings and personal happiness.

I know that you are right Pickle. I thought that I was starting to get there last week, but have hit a bump in the road. Maybe it's bc I caught a really bad cold and have been stuck in the house alone all weekend. Thanks for the pep talk man.

[Denver_2010]

I would like nothing more than to give her the hardline boundaries speech, but am fearful that it will push her to divorce. If we did not have any kids, i would go there in a second, but am trying to keep things going as long as possible for the benefit of the kids.

Well, that's kind of where I am struggling right now Punchy. My W and I don't have any kids, so I wonder why the h*ll I am still hanging around fighting for our M. I never thought that I would allow my W or gf to be so disrespectful. But I guess that we never really know until we are in a particular situation. I think part of the reason that I am still trying is bc I feel so responsible for the failures of our M. I was such a depressed pr!ck the 10 months prior to W doing this, that i feel that I drove her to it. At the same time, does it really justify her actions? I mean I vowed to love her and stay with her through bad and worse, that is what I am currently doing, but so did she damn!it.

Sometimes I am so sure about my decision to wait this out, yet at other times, I feel like such a freakin doormat. I need to work through these feelings and figure out what is the right course of action for me. What is going to make me happy in the long run, not the short term? How will I best be able to look myself in the mirror once the dust has settled one way or the other?

I don't mind giving my wife time to sort out what she needs, but not when OM is in the picture.

Exactly. OM makes situation so much worse it seems. I think that it just hits our self respect in a way that no other situation can. IMO.

thanks Punchy

[Harrier]

Denver.

I don't know a lot about the process or the complete ins and outs of your R. But I do know one thing. And I think everyone agrees. You simply cannot expect to work on your R or have your W want to think about working on the M while the OM is front and center and still new and exciting. Of course the two paths diverge. Let the W have her OM time so it will possibly take a natural course and burnout OR set boundaries to get the OM out of the picture (some use a variety of tatics including exposure). I'm a firm believer in the harder line approach. Set boundaries.
How this takes into account me, my W and our R/situation. Only you know best each of those.
People can tell you what they'd do but ultimately it's your decision and you live with the consequences.

[InAPickle]

I wake up to nothing and go to bed with nothing re the wife not providing any emotional support. She doesn't even have the decency to say goodnight to me. [/quite]

I'm right there with you man. Thankfully I have good friends to support me and hang with. Still riding a rollercoaster though, but you learn to recognize when you're in a bad stretch and just get through it.

[quote=punchy]
I would like nothing more than to give her the hardline boundaries speech, but am fearful that it will push her to divorce. If we did not have any kids, i would go there in a second, but am trying to keep things going as long as possible for the benefit of the kids.

I don't mind giving my wife time to sort out what she needs, but not when OM is in the picture.

Just do what you "think", "envision", objectively "calculate" is best for you and especially for the kids.

Don't let your dispondancy, loneliless, lack of emotional support dictate your action regarding her, because they are in fact being influenced by her - it's the chiken and the egg cycle and will never stop.

Once you break that attachment the present emotional dependancy dynamic changes and that's the first domino to fall. anything can happen after that.

God Bless