Need advice and support to keep hope

[Denver_2010]

This is the third time that I have posted this, so I apologize. But there is like a 2 day lag from the time I submit my posts to the time that it can actually be seen on the forum. Frustrating. Hopefully it works this time...

Hi all. My wife left me the day after Thanksgiving. She had informed me that she was going to leave earlier in November. I responded with the typical begging and pleading. I started DBing almost immediately after she actually packed up her stuff and left. I suppose that I am in the LRT. It is very difficult. I am hurt and I miss her and my 11 yr stepson more than anything in the world.

I've been trying not to initiate contact and have been pretty successful. It seemed to be working a little better a couple of weeks ago than it is now. She only contacts me by text message every few days and those contacts are only for issues regarding bills and such. I do speak with my step son every other day or so. He misses me and wants to come home.

There is an EA I THINK. I know that she began talking to the guy friend of hers A LOT the last month that she was living in the house. I found his cell phone number on our bill with a lot of minutes being logged. I called and confronted him about affair. He denied and said that they were just friends. I confronted wife too. She said same thing, but that she wouldn't lie to me that she has questioned her feelings for this guy. I know from my BIL that she is spending a lot of time with him. The last time that I spoke to wife, she reiterated that he is just a friend and that he "hasn't even hit on me." I have stopped myself from discussing or asking about this relationship at all since that conversation which was 3 weeks ago.

My wife left bc we have been emotionally distant from one another for about a year. This resulted in me sleeping on the couch a lot and telling her that I was done with marriage in both January 2010 and August 2010. I refused counseling in February when she asked me. We did go to 4 sessions of counseling in October, but she says that it was too late by then, that she was already 'done'. In early November she told me that she loved me but was not in love with me and that she was leaving.

There have been a few positive signs since she moved out but not much. Her family believes that she is making a mistake, but I have backed off in my attempts to get them to help me. If we divorce, she will go back to being a single mother and having to support herself. I am a lawyer and make a very good salary. I have provided a very good life style for her that she will be giving up. We have accrued lots of debt over the past 3 years with our marriage, new house, engagement ring, furniture, and our house has no equity. She is very worried that she will have to take on part of that debt if we divorce. There is no way that her standard of living will be nearly as good if D happens.

I have read parts of both DB and DR. I have found DR more helpful and have been doing my best to implement LRT and do 180. My 180 so far has been hanging out with friends A LOT, going to church (which is very new for me), and learning everything that I possibly can about my actions during our marriage/relationship and how they landed our M here. In all sincerity, I am doing all of these things to make myself a better person and husband in the future. I just want it to be with my wife. Some days I am hopeful, others I feel like staying in bed and crying.

Any thoughts, advice, words of encouragement could really help me. I have a long way to go with this and am just trying to get through while I buy our M as much time as possible for her to come to her senses.

[zengypsy]

Hi Denver 10!

Looks like we are both new here. I agree with the slow posting. I've tried to post my story twice. Hopefully it will post in the next day or 2 as well as my response to your post.

I'm very sorry for what you are going through. My H left me last Dec. and went to his older brothers for 3 weeks. He came back the day after Xmas unannounced and told me he wanted a D and had already seen an atty. I was beyond devastated. He moved out permanently in Feb. and has been residing in NYC. He filed for D in Oct = will be final sometime in Feb 2011. I live in a no fault state, so I have no leg to stand on. I can't afford an atty nor do I qualify for legal aid. We've been togther for 20 yrs; married 16 with no kids. We don't communicate at all. All of it is just a very sad thing. Alot more to the story, so hopefully my thread will post.

I too push myself to go out, be with friends. I feel it's fake though sometimes. It's been hard to go out Christmas shopping and see all these couples holding hands etc. I really miss my soulmate, but I have to continue to be a better version of myself everyday. I have to be the girl he fell in love with again and she disappeared for a while. I have been in C since he left in Feb. I have an EXCELLENT therapist who has helped me a great deal piece things together.

I too am on the same rollercoster; some days I'm hopeful and other days I just want to stay in bed. People think I'm crazy for still leaving the door open for my H because he filed for D. But there are cases when spouses do come back. SOmetimes a D is what they need sadly to really get the clarity they need to see what they have lost.

I hope that we are both success stories at some point. I keep Michele's book DB on my night stand. I am positive my H is going thru a MLC and I know that I have a long road ahead too. But, if we all stick together, soak in the great advice these long time board members can offer, GAL and stay strong - we will be the greener grass.

Keep the faith. And keep posting!

[InAPickle]

You're not alone man.
You have to let this thing play out.
The EA if there is one will fizzle eventually, they all do.
I am reading a book by James Dobson and he says "open the cage."
Some spouses feel trapped in a cage.
May be yours does.
Move forward with your life, but do it for you.
If she comes back or even i she does not, do it for you.

[Denver_2010]

Thanks IAP. I have read a lot of similar situations on this board, including your's. Sorry for what you are going through too. This is that absolute worst experience in my life.

I did read the Dobson book about "opening the cage". I have incorporated that into my LRT methods. Fell off the horse yesterday after church. I was very emotional and called my wife. Left her a vm telling her that she was right about church, that it would have been a good thing for our marriage, and that I was sorry for not being open to it when she suggested it. Now I'm beating myself up for initiating contact (even though she didn't bother to call me back).

Any thoughts on xmas gift for wife? should I, shouldn't I? I already bought my step son a xmas gift as well as 3 gifts to be "from Santa". I'm not going to short change him. Just not sure about gift for wife or at least card?

Can anyone explain what lovingly detached means? I am having difficulty detaching at all... and tough to be lovingly detached when wife has very little contact with you.

Thanks for any advise and all support.

[Denver_2010]

Ahhhh!! This is driving me crazy... can't post without it taking hours and days for anything I say to appear! Very frustrating because I really want to get a dialogue going so that I can get some advice on my sitch.

[InAPickle]

Depends on what you're comfortible with.
No gift at all may send a negative message.
My WAW flat out told me not to get her anything.
(Probably feeling bad about all out money she's been spending on her MLC)
But I was xmas shopping with S/11 so I got her a couple jars of salt-n-pepper cashews, which is practically all she eats - you know MLC trying to loose weight an all. Nothing fancy, just a little peace offering.

[Denver_2010]

Zen - I am sorry to hear that you are here. I would suggest reading Divorce Remedy by MWD if you have already read DB. I read DB first but found the DR is much more informative and specific. I will make sure to read your thread once it gets posted. It seems like there is a lot of good advice on this board. I too hope that we are all success stories in the end. I suppose that we will be... one way or the other

[Denver_2010]

IAP - that sounds like a good idea, I think. I have decided that I'm just going to do the same thing for my step son that I do every year, which is to buy a gift or 2 from me and then buy him a few things to be 'from santa'. I know that my wife is probably struggling financially to give him the type of xmas that we normally provide for him. I will get wife a card and let her know that I got US a gift (DB coach) and that I will tell her what it is/was someday when things are better.

Anyone know what they mean when they say 'lovingly detach'? I am trying to detach, which is very difficult, but to add the 'lovingly' to that idea makes it even more difficult... especially when you are having little to no contact with your WAW.

[Denver_2010]

Can anyone explain what lovingly detached means? I am having difficulty detaching at all... and tough to be lovingly detached when wife has very little contact with you.

Thanks for any advise and all support.

I didn't get anything on this... Ideas?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Hey Denver,

Sorry about that delay happening, hopefully it will clear up after you post for awhile.

Lovingly dettach...

Pretty word that "lovingly"

Beats angsty I suppose.

To me dettach means to not get drawn into their drama, not allow yourself to react to their bad actions either directly toward or in directly. Lovingly, I suppose means...

If you child was throwing a tantrum for no reason, you'd ignore them (possibly), but be around and comfort them later when their tantrum was over.

let her know that I got US a gift (DB coach)

Want some advice? : )


Don't tell her that.

Pretty standard that most spouses see DBing as a trick to get them back to being married. Heck some people think that just showing their spouse the DR book will be like a magic pill or something and wake them back up into being married.