Ok...I need advice. My wife and I had a break though today. She told me that she wanted to start dating me. When I asked her why, she said that I've been acting differently; I reminded her of the guy she married. So far so good, but I couldn't leave it; I had to start in with the R talk...
I asked her if I had an exclusive. Was she dating others? My bad. Things started feeling less comfortable. She gave me the answer I wanted; she told me that she wasn't dating anyone ells... of course, but what could she say under the circumstances. Right?
So it's Saturday night and she's tired and tells me that she didn't sleep well the night before; She needs to get to bed early... I returned to my house and got an early nights sleep myself... until 1:00 a.m. when the neighbor's party got going and I woke to loud music.
There I am sitting up in bed, wide awake, thinking about my wife and her new found interest in me, her loyalty? Or not? The doubts start flying through my head: what if... was she really tired... is she or isn't she still with OM? And the little Devil on my right shoulder says, "verify" "see if she's home." The Angle on my left shoulder says, "don't be silly" "it's 1:00 a.m., she was tired, of course she's home." It almost came to blows between these two, so I decided to put the matter to rest and drive by her apartment and check for myself. Her car wasn't there.
Now what? If she is still going out with OM and lying about it, should I date her anyway? This would have been so much easier if I hadn't asked her any questions. Why don't I heed my own advice? But now I know she lied and I've made the sitch more complicated for myself.
Yet, if this was a first date (with anyone other than my wife), I certainly would not have asked her if she was dating others. If I hadn't asked, I would not have needed to verify.
I really like the idea of spending quality time with my wife again, but now it feels like I'm in competition with OM. Should I see this as an opportunity? At least now I'm in a position to compete, where as before, I was shutout completely.
On the other hand, is this the "threesome" that CD Bear was suggesting?
This sucks! I went from feeling good about my progress to feeling like $hit.
The good news is that my wife doesn't know that I drove by her apartment. In that sense, nothing has changed. I haven't lost any progress in the DB department. I just need to get my head around what this means to me and how I should proceed.
I wasn't suggesting you were participatingin a threesome.
I was telling you (agreed, a little harshly) that you don't have a "marriage" to repair as there are three people in it.
If it helps, I recently came to the conclusion (after I nicely helped her load out all her possessions so she could move in with OM) that "competing with" or "trying to out OM the OM) is not what I am after.
I do not wish to be compared or in a competition for my own wife.
It is clear to me that I need to do what I need to do to repair what I can about my contributions to the "disintegration/dysfunction" in the marriage for ME!
My next R or M will be so different. And that could be with my W or not. Nobody knows that answer yet.
Your W (like mine) has made a decision to move on to someone else and chose them over you. However, I do not wish to be the safety net so she can simply move back/change her mind. This sets a bad precedent.
her choice/decision (as I've stated "no open marriage") is now to choose between OM and NOT OM. Only if she can choose to see the unhealthiness of THAT R can she be in a position to make a clear decision to prefer ME over single. Changing beds is NOT a healthy personal decision.
Until she can see her codependency; her contribution to the the M trouble; her OWN issues; and her R patteerns; there will be nothing for us to "piece' back together into a NEW M.
The old M is dead. It diddn't work. She needs to SEE that a new R with you will NOT be the one she chose to leave.She needs to see (and it appears your W is beginning to ) that YOU will not be the same husband either.
Only she and the IC can make this happen.
I've seen it far too often that 'early piecing' is a miserable failure. Not enough time, space and change has occurred in EITHER partner.
I'm sorry you felt offended by my earlier commented. That was NOT my intention.
Until she can see her codependency; her contribution to the the M trouble; her OWN issues; and her R patteerns; there will be nothing for us to "piece' back together into a NEW M.
DB,
You appear to be saying that you could forgive your wife, if she is willing to meet your conditions. I recently asked myself that question: "under what condition(s) could I forgive my wife." My conclusion was different from yours. I have already forgiven her, unconditionally.
I arrived at this conclusion after some internal debate. For me, there were no conditions that I could impose that would ever make me ok with what happened. It helped me to work the logic backwards. I rephrased the question, "What would I accept in advance, for me to agree to my wife's affair?" The answer was clear: I wouldn't agree to pimp-out my wife for anything.
Would you come to the same conclusion, DB, if you asked yourself the same question? Could you agree, in advance, to her having an affair, if she first met your list of requirements?
Yet you are here (like the rest of us) willingly, working on your relationship with your wife (aka working on yourself to influence your wife's decision to work on your relationship). Call it what you like; the point is, you have, in your heart, already decided to forgive her or you wouldn't be here. Perhaps, your conditions are standing in the way of your goals.
Thank you for clarifying your "threesome" remark; it helped me to better understand your comment. No hard feelings.
Why not (again, for your own sake), order the 'Rozetta' Stone Spanish course to your 180/GAL list?
This morning I started contacting Spanish Tutors. I've already received replies from two of them. Why did it take a crises for me to see such an obvious first step?
You have no reason to doubt her now. You have a chance so many folks wish they had...and it's because you ARE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT.
You wife is choosing YOU. That's beautiful.
Thank you for your positive words, dbmod, but I'm not really sure how to interpret my wife's behavior. Is this a normal part of the process? If she chose me, why didn't she spend the night at my house?
I haven't been getting much sleep lately; I'm physically and emotionally drained. Hopefully I'll have a more positive outlook tomorrow.
She is going slow, testing the waters and you just need to go slow.
I think there needs to be a clear "Boundary" here. My DB Coach and Sandi2(both women)basically stated she has to feel a sense of loss. She can't have BOTH.
This doesn't mean you be an A-hole, but SHE will not respect you if you "date" her knowing that she has someone else. Period.
This also means you can't go "rage" against her, you have to show yourself as the better option, but dating her while she might be actively dating OM is just not going to work.(In other words, keep working on you and doing DB)
Sinclair, YOU ARE THE BETTER MAN. You show her this by going out and and making her WANT to be with you by NOT accepting an open marriage and working on YOUR faults in the M. Your work here is being the BETTER YOU. You want to leave her with a sense of "Why am I with the OM, when I have this guy?"
If she is actively seeing this other guy and TELLING you she isn't, you have the right to verify this. YOU cannot compete with this guy AND respect yourself the next day.
You need to keep DB'ing, but not as a "second" option. Even MWD tells you how to obtain this respect and if you don't achieve it you do have the option to take ultimate action.
