Quotes found on Divorce Busting Forums (4)

[Ready2Change]

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Man this is going to be sooo hard!!

There you go, following your feelings again,
assuming things are going to be "sooo hard!!"

You fault your wife for following her feelings and having an affair and all the crap that followed,
but you continue to follow your feelings in how you should deal with this situation instead of setting up a plan and following it regardless of your feelings.

Sounds like a double standard to me.

She's wrong for following her feelings.
But you follow your feelings and it's ok?

This is not going to be "sooo hard!!",
you only "feel" it is,
maybe you should start looking at the big picture,
everything will be ok, everything will turn out the way it's supposed to turn out.

There are two kinds of people (well actually there's a $hitload more types of people but humor me in my example),

1. those who can see the goal without being obscured or thrown off by the obstacles that may come up along the way to achieving that goal; they are also usually positive, optimistic, very attractive type people

2. then there are those who can't see the goal because all they see are the obstacles along the way and they're just afraid and negative and pessimistic, not very attractive either

Which one are you?

I will say # 2 for you.

You can change this, this is under your control.
The only thing stopping you is you.

[Ready2Change]

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I have no interest in a relationship with any man but my husband right now...who of course wants NOTHING to do with me.

And do you KNOW why you do not want anyone but your H?

Listen, let's say that day he met you at the car had played out differently. If you had gone in to find your H in tears and torn up about what he had found on the computer.....and begged you to stop all of that and commit to the M....yada, yada.......what do you think you would have done?

Doesn't matter, but here's the thing sweetie, if your H had pursued you it would have turned you off cold as a fish. You probably won't believe me but all you have to do is read all the LBH's posts of the WAW in A's and see how the W would react when the H would beg, plead, cling, etc.

I used to think I would want to see or hear my H do that just one time......just pursue me once. Well, I did--and it nearly made me sick to stay in the same room! The reason you are wanting your H so badly is b/c he did just exactly what Gucci tells newcomers that's been LB or cheated on. Suddenly, you can think of nothing else but the man you can't have. Works every time! A little thing called human nature.

[Ready2Change]

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- asking if there might still be hope?
You still don't get it, moving on with your life and letting go of the need for "hope" is what will get you where you need to be.

You are so attached it's not even funny.

Why do you need to see a lawyer about pressing charges on her?
She went to the cops and filed a domestic assault charge on you,
you do the same, if you don't, it's because you're afraid of the consequences, she apparently wasn't afraid - she's confident enough to do it, why can't you man up and do the same thing? I don't understand, it's because you're afraid of losing her, I get it but you don't get that she isn't afraid of losing you and it's that mentality that keeps you stuck to her, if you could apply that same mindset to her, you would get similar results.

- file domestic assault charges against her, if she did all that you say she did, you'll have no problems filing the charge against her
- if she's txting her boyfriend on a cell phone that you pay for, cancel the contract or take the phone from her and cancel it
- as for the finances, she needs to get real about how things will be working, you don't have to pay for things that you don't want to pay for, ie. her going out with the other guy, a cell phone used to contact him with, etc.
- when she says that she has rights, you agree with her, you tell her "I know you have rights, but you make it sound like I don't have rights, I do have rights, and I won't let you walk all over me anymore, you don't have that right anymore"
- as far as custody of your kid(s), so what if she's been the primary caregiver all this time, when you split up, things will change, that is one of them, you keep assuming that every good thing will happen to her because of this and every bad thing will happen to you, you need to snap out of that funk of yours, it's friggen depressing (she will get this, and she will get that, blah, blah, blah), you sound like a broken record
- you can file for joint custody, fathers are getting joint custody, especially when they pursue it and want it and can show that they're good fathers, why do you assume that you can't? Are you a horrible father? If you u want joint custody, you can get it, you don't have to settle for what she gives you, who told you that you had to?

You will sell your house or move out of your apartment and get your own place to live for you and your kids, she will have to do the same. If you think you will be expected to pay for her entire living expenses as well as your own, you're mistaken.

Screw that head on straight and start thinking clearly and stop feeling so bad for yourself and stop feeling so bad about yourself. Things aren't as bad as they seem.

And for god's sake, stop hanging on to hope like you're going to die tomorrow or something. It's not attractive, it's repulsive, it probably has the same effect on your wife.

Stand up for yourself, no more bs,
this is how life is going to go for you now,
if she doesn't want to be with you anymore, great, show her the door and wish her a good life, if she wants to be with another man, great, show her the door and wish her a good life, and get yourself a new girl who appreciates you better than this one obviously does.

[Ready2Change]

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...We had sex with each other 2 nights ago and it was fantastic, but she now wants to talk about it which probably means she doesn't want to do that anymore due to the confusion she feels from it (until the next time she gets extremely horny and drunk...)

This is what I would do,
tell her
"Wife we need to talk,
what happened the other night can't happen ever again,
it was definitely the wrong thing to do, I haven't told you but I've been seeing someone lately and I don't want her to know that I'm still having sex with my wife. Nothing against you personally, the sex was ok but it just messes up my mind especially when I've decided it's time for me to be with someone else. I hope you understand so that we won't be doing that again."

If she gets angry and tries to start an argument, leave the room and tell her you've said your peace and don't want to discuss it. It took you a while to accept that you guys were getting a divorce and you don't want to backslide on the new found positive momentum in your life.

If she doesn't get angry, no worries, you have stopped the discussion, you led it where you wanted to go, instead of you being rejected by her which is what she would have discussed with you (99.9% guaranteed of that), something like "I don't want you to confuse what we did the other night and give you false hope, I still want to get a divorce, blah, blah, blah"

And then you continue living your merry little life,
you go out on certain evenings, you get a life,
some nights you go out, looking really good like you're going out on a date (hint, hint, going out on a few real dates won't kill you).

You let her go.
You've decided that this is the best thing.
You're no longer attracted to her that way.
You've moving on.
You're making it appear as if you're the one letting her go and not the other way around.

Or....

You continue doing what you're doing because we all know that you've been extremely successful so far ;-)

[Ready2Change]

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I got to the game a little late, as usual, because of my work schedule and W was sitting with the kids and told me, "Sorry it's too crowded. You'll have to find somewhere else to sit."

That's CB.

"Wife, you don't have to like me. Next time we attend a b-ball game as a family I want the courtesy of you saving a seat for me. If you don't I will take the kids and we will sit somewhere else together and you can join us if you like."

Don't ever get used to people treating you this way. If you don't think you are worth it nobody else will.

[Ready2Change]

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...I'd love to read an update on your sitch...Everyone is so similar that they tend to bleed together if you don't keep them fresh in your mind.

[Ready2Change]

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Help her pack, file for D and ask for exclusive use of the house. Don't tell her what you are going to do. I wish I had done that, would have made my life the last 5 months much simpler.

[Ready2Change]

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Hi Deployed...(sigh). I've been on this site now since I found it in 7/06. My posting has diminished tremendously but I still carry a thread. It's still painful, even to me, to read these new posts. In fact, I stopped looking up new posts only because they can open old wounds.

However.....

Since this is all new, my advice is to try and give this a certain amount of time and effort to save your marriage. The best way to do this is straight forward:
1) Do NOT discuss the marriage and issues per se with your wife. You will only hear things you don't want to hear
2) Do NOT beg her..plead with her...try and sell her on the marriage or sell her on a 'new you'. You'll push her away
3) Start reading and working on yourself. Try 'For Men Only', Dr. Grey's Venous and Mars: Starting Over.' 'The Five Love Languages'.
4) Honestly, the best way to win this, which is stacked against us all, is to accept the marriage as over, and grieve the loss. By doing so, you give her space, leave her alone, focus on yourself and THIS causes change that MAY draw them back. The only M's I've seen saved here are those that 'drop the rope'.

Honestly, this forum is a double edge sword. The good edge is that you will receive a great deal of support. You'll get great recommendations on books to read, websites to go to, etc.

The bad edge is that this site will ALSO keep you holding on forever, waiting, hoping, etc and ofttimes this leads to enabling her behavior. You'll be kept in a state of 'hope for reconciliation' which is the ultimate form of denial here. Read Gray's description of this.

I was where you were once. The best I can tell you is hold your head high. Give this a shot but give yourself a timeline. Realize that you are NOT a victim. The greatest gift you have is that you were able to look inward and see your faults. The tools you had, perhaps, weren't the best and now is your chance to trade up to better tools.

Walk a line between hope and reality:
1) Realize that everyone should try and save their marriage
2) Understand that when a woman separates, the majority of the time there is a man lurking in the background. IF she said she thought about cheating she probably has and threw this out there as a shot across the bow
3) Understand also that a separation is NOT a positive thing. More than 90% of marriages that separate go on to divorce.

So...although my message may have a negative tone, I am TRULY telling you to do your best to try and save it. In so doing you will become a better man and you can look in the mirror when you get up in the morning and like what you see. However, it takes two to want to save a marriage. After a time, it is YOUR responsibility to NOT let your spirit be destroyed.

Finally, NEVER....EVER....no matter how bad things get.....denigrate the children's mother to them. It will only work against you and it is like stabbing a knife into them.

Stay strong. Don't talk about the marriage/R. Don't beg. Open the cage door if she wants.

Strength and honor.
FIB

[Ready2Change]

We have to deal with so many things we can't control because of these decisions. It is unfortunate, but there is no other way.

[Ready2Change]

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MC doesn't work if both parties are not very willing to save the M.

She can't use the excuse of needing space since you're not there to crowd her. How often do you contact her? Time to stop. Don't text or email except to talk to kids.

To tell you that she has "thought about cheating" is her way of preparing you for the fact that she already has cheated.

I was almost a WAW. I had an EA. Therefore I think from that POV. I believe that a WAW in an A has to suffer the fear of losing something precious to her before it pulls her out of an A. Sometimes that does not happen soon or easy. What is the most precious thing in the world to your W? Before you answer, I want you to know that she has changed from that young girl you M. I doubt you would believe all the ways she has changed since she has become a WAW in her heart. So, don't compare her to how she used to be b/c that will be a waste of energy. You have to deal with how she is now.

Another thing that will help the W cause her to have a change of heart about the M, is when she thinks the H doesn't want her and is doing fine without her. No anger, no screaming matches, no getting even......just let go. Drop the rope. If she thinks that you do not want to be with her and she sees you moving on...happily.....that will get her attention faster than any tactics.

You have three children to consider. What will you do once you retire? Live in the same town? Will you get 50% of custody? Once, those children were the most precious thing to her....but maybe not so much now. Shocking, but it happens. Mine were important to me, but I thought I had spent most of my life for them and I wanted to be happy for once before I died (mental attitude of a WAW). Shows you how the heart/mind can be twisted.

I strongly suggest that you stop contacting her. Make her wonder what you are going to do. When contacting the children, do not tell them anything except you love them and they are going to be okay. Talk positive to them.

You are physically detached and now you will have to work on emotionally detaching. If she bugs you about moving on with the D, I'd tell her she can have her D but not until you get home b/c you have plans. Don't tell her what those plans are. Be mysterious. In the meantime, get your finances secured b/c she'll likely try to wipe you out. Don't warn her, just do it.

This may not sound like DB to you, but that is honestly what I'm trying to help you with.