My experience has been that it is a complement to MC. The w/e is an intense 2x4 to the relationship that helps make MC be more effective. It's also cheaper (being nonprofit, they never turn any couple away for lack of finances).
It's different than MC in a significant way: you never share any of your issues with anyone else - not the presenters, not the other attending couples. You listen to presentations given by ordinary couples, then you & your spouse talk about it alone in the privacy of your room. It sounds like it might not be that big a deal, but you'd be surprised.
thanks ABG, I'll cross that bridge when I'm upon it.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
I can only give you insight from my failure, unfortunately.
A few months ago, my wayward WAW did come to me and said she wanted to work toward reconciliation. I didn't appreciate how the whole man woman relationship thing really works. She wanted to know reconciliation was still an OPTION for her. I had totally pulled away and it scared her, and her anxiety was uncomfortable for her. Once that anxiety was reduced, as in "Ok, I can still get H back if I want him", her interest waned significantly.
I had pulled away from her, and I did have my own life going pretty well, but when she came to me showing interest in reconciliation, I thought "Ok, let's give this a try", and I went all in, believing she was all in too. She wasn't. It didn't take long before my interest in reconciliation overtook hers, and she walked again. This whole man woman relationship stuff is very different from what I always thought, and it's taking me time to accept its reality. Whereas my W does want someone who listens to her, and is devoted to her, she also needs that challenge and drama to keep her interest up. Very clear to me from talking to her that she is oblivious to that fact. When her interest wanes, she uses her intellect to justify why, and it'll seek out whatever little deficiencies in me or our relationship to do so. When her interest rises, she uses her intellect to justify that too, but it's all BS.
I spent six months barely speaking to her, barely looking at her, giving her absolutely nothing. The result? Her feelings and interest grew and grew, until she had to do what she said numerous times would NEVER happen, she asked me if I would consider reconciliation. She never once pointed out, or complained, or criticized me for ignoring her all those months. She justified it to herself "He needed to heal", "He had every right to treat me like that", etc. When I asked her why she now wanted me back, she even said, after six months of treating her like she was hardly even a person, "You're nice again, like when we first met". Wow. Her intellect is a tool used purely to JUSTIFY how she feels.
After I decided to go all in on reconciliation, I treated her awesome. I was charming and considerate, and had nothing but good times with her. But once her anxiety was reduced, her feelings dropped, and then her intellect searched for any reason to explain it, like "H will never forgive me for what I did" (everything I said and showed her indicated otherwise), "H can't express his love for me like I need" (I treated her with admiration, respect, and passion), etc.
As gucci and robx preach here, it's only their FEELINGS that matter. They will search and distort and exaggerate reality to explain and justify their feelings to themselves.
gr8, in response to your question, I know that these WAWs will hide their growing feelings, and portray business as usual for a long periods of time, before deciding to reach out. You are doing what I should have done. Make them pursue you, keep them in crisis to motivate growth in them. I think you did awesome when your W came to you, much better than me. So it's been a month. That's nothing in the big scheme of things. Trust me, she hasn't forgotten about you, or about what you said. When she approaches you again, she'll probably have something very interesting to say, about you, about the history of your M, about the SSM book you gave her. Something. Be prepared to just listen, and as L&L said, stick with your boundaries. If she stays on the straight and narrow, you can SLOWLY start to give her a little of your time and effort. Make sure you keep HER on the pursuing side. That's how I failed. I allowed the tables to be turned so I was back on the pursuing side, and my reconciliation failed.
Wow. Simply, WOW.
This post, and Robx's long one earlier this week about what HE did to turn his marriage around, are truly eye-opening stuff, and fly in the face of the whole "nice guy" thing that too many men try.
[quote]1. Wait for her to contact you, if she doesn't, you have your answer - don't pursue
Absolutely agree.
However, she has to know she CAN approach you to contact you. Not in the "All in" way futureunknown has warned you of.
But letting her know she CAN, and being very cautious afterward, letting her take the burden of initiating contact and the burden of proof of her intentions...you'll discovery if her intentions are real.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
For those who's W want to work on M , after the initial talk about workin on M, did your W's contact you more and wanted to R talk?
Or did they wait awhile before bringing it up again?
Every person is different, you know that. Here's my story. First time she wanted to work on R, she takled about it for about 2 days and then stopped and after about 10 days or so, we were quickly back to headed to D
The next time, after she hit rock bottom a couple of times, it was an extremely emotional/passionate/remorseful/desperate plea to work on M and well, we've been talking about it reguarly and working on it reguarly since then...going on about 2 and 1/2 months now
For what its worth.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Re: W approaching IDEA of recon in case where the LBS (and not WAS) has committed adultery and the W is hurt and mistrustful about that, are the principles any difft?
In my case, I have changed my behaviors and am continuing to GAL/do my own thing. When W calls me to have family lunches/dinners, I go and she has said once every few weeks something like IF WE RECONCILE, COULD WE DO THIS (get a dog, remodel this room, etc.). In past, I have avoided getting at all melty man but more or less said, yeah that could be great, remodeling that would be great, I'd like to get a dog or two, etc. But, not pursued the idea of reconciliation, just left it at that. Should I be more removed and say, you know, I am not sure I want to reconcile, I like my new life, and maybe it's best we move on? I can't help but think that another push back like that would be a nail in the coffin after the rejection of your spouse cheating on you?
Thoughts?
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
