There's a third food joint down in Eden Gardens that I can never remember. It always got the scraps from Tony's or Fidel's, but I liked it because they served minors.
W just called me to tell me about her "hot yoga" class and how much she loved it. I asked her to tell me all about it. She was very excited and kept saying I should try it. I said it would be fun to do one together. She said, really? you'll do it? I said yeah, sounds fun and I'd love to do it with her. She said, wow when I used to try to get you to go spinning with me, you would never do it cause you said real men never did that sort of stuff (I started spinning, btw, when we separated). I said, well I was wrong about that and wrong about alot of other stuff then. Then I said I hadn't seen her at spinning lately, and we should put the kids in childcare so we could do one together and I could kick her booty around the class. She seemed interested.
She also had me look at a video on facebook that she thought was hilarious and where part of it reminded her of me. Asked me if I liked it, and I told her I loved it.
Maybe a bit more thawing of her heart?
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
W just called to see if I was picking up D5 for soccer practice. First time we'd spoken on phone in 5 days (which I think is the longest ever). I had seen her once at meeting for D5 for ~20-30 min yesterday. I didn't call, text or email all week (per usual).
So, she starts getting weepy on phone, talking about what a funk she had been in all week since she finished a major project. Saying she found herself crying "for no reason." Was binge eating on donuts and trying to vomit, then crying more and getting more depressed. Had to take 2 ativan to "knock herself out to sleep."
I said I was sorry she was feeling that way, it sounded terrible. Asked if she had talked to her therapist about it. She said yeah, but it wasn't that bad on that day. I asked her if she knew what was setting it off or did it come out of the blue? She said she thought it was worse on the nights she didn't have the girls. I validated and said, yeah I saw how that could be hard. Could be rough missing them....I was real sorry she was feeling that way.
I didn't bring anything up re: me, or us, or R or M. This is right thing to do, right? Has to come from her? I'm guessing the funk is partly her feeling the separated life isn't that green after all? (even if it's not about me, about the kids). EDIT: HMM, JUST REALIZED I AM MINDREADING HERE....
Anyway, how best handle this if she brings it up again? Same as I did or did I miss an opportunity? Other suggestions on what to do when the WAS tells you they are miserably sad but don't mention R, etc.?
Last edited by bustorama; 10/15/1011:31 PM.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
You validated how she felt and you did not try to fix her problems. A+ Busto
You showed strength. You were a Rock on that one. You did the only thing you could do and that was listen. If she wants to discuss R then let her, but you keep doing what you are doing.
So, after D5 soccer practice, D5 and D2 started melting down. W started to lose it.
Said angrily that she should just give me custody of the kids and move to Seattle, that's what I wanted anyway. I said, I get that you're frustrated and angry, but where did you get the idea that's how I feel.
Then she immediately launched into spew about the EA (first time in months), that I was like any other guy and couldn't keep my d*ck in my pants. That now I had changed and was Mr. Perfect and running and now I wanted her to come running back to me. I apologized for hurting her, said I was so wrong to do what I did and I was sorry for my part in our relationship going south. Had taken steps and continued to take steps so I would not do something like that again to anyone.
She said something like I'll never get over it, I'll be alone and miserable the rest of my life. My friends don't talk to me anymore. You can have them. I don't trust anyone -- my friends, my family, only our D's. I sit at home and binge eat. I told her I was so sorry she felt that way, I got it, and sorry for my my previous bad behavior. I said if she felt she could never get over it then we should move ahead and divorce. She said something like oh yeah so I can be screwed up for the rest of my life. I don't really remember what happened after that except that she said something sort of declining that she wanted to move ahead with divorce.
Little after she left she called me on phone and was non-angry, but not wifey. It's obvious to me she still is really hurt and angry from the EA. I'm fine continuing to give her time/space and GALing/doing my own thing, but not sure if it's the right thing to do. Do I give her the Gucci or a D bomb? It seems heartless to me in this case of a broken heart??? What else say when she brings the EA up like this?
Last edited by bustorama; 10/16/1002:34 AM.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
STOP apologizing to her. No more. Nip it. Actions speak louder than any word you could possibly utter. Keep showing her the new Busto. You know what I'm saying Mr. Perfect
She has way bigger issues than your EA right now. MUCH bigger.
Validate her feelings when you can, but do not try to make it better for her by blaming yourself anymore. You've owned your responsibility and you are fixing yourself. If she starts treating you like crap, you tell her you won't tolerate it and you will talk to her another time. Walk away.
Keep GAL'n it's working and you are happy with yourself. Right? Let her work through her problems. Be the Rock that her heat seeking missiles just bounce off of.
Stop apologizing? Really? The infidelity stuff I've read says I should be prepared to keep apologizing IF she brings up that specific issue for YEARS??? Is that off?
I totally agree with you that I am not responsible and should not take responsibility for her ALL her bad feelings (I'm sorry you feel that way. That must be hard to feel that way.) And that I should not tolerate CB. When she says that I am responsible for the current sitch (separation), I say I'm sorry you feel that way. That's appropriate, right? Validating but not taking responsibility.
Why is she pissed off about the new Busto and calling me Mr. Perfect??? What's that all about?
What do you see as her bigger issues?
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Why is she pissed off about the new Busto and calling me Mr. Perfect??? What's that all about?
You really can't figure this out?
Because she had to put up with your CB while you neglected her and cheated on her. Now, after treating her that way, you're all of a sudden a great guy?? Why couldn't you do that before your EAs, without putting her through all that? Why didn't you love her and value her enough to want to be the best man/husband/father with her? Now you're strutting around showing everyone what a great guy you are and she looks like the bad guy for wanting out.
Last edited by pearlharbr; 10/16/1005:05 AM.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
