Ominus Bonus

[steady]

This is from an email I sent another DB'er today.

Actually I don't think I'm advancing that much. This is what happens. Whatever I'm working on, letting go, GAL, digging out shame, working on boundaries, etc... I go with it. What happens is my posts contain that element. I've been in boundaries for a while so if you look at my posts they have boundaries as the underlying current.

A lot of stuff I post is knowledge I already have. But I pass through them for another loop and try to take it up a 'level' - or at least improve my application of it even if a little bit.

I did get the breakthrough the other week when I sent you that text. That was a very big one for me, although I can't even remember what it specifically was...lol. I know it was around boundaries and how I treat people in relation to how they treat me, etc...

Now, with my W having the OM and I know she goes and meets him - her pillows are gone as well as her hair dryer - she doesn't take these things when she stays at her mom's house because she already has them there. That's how I know she's meeting him somewhere.

I imagine her in that falling in love stage and it burns me up. I have anger and depression running through me. So what do I do with it? Do I just let it consume me or do I take it as another opportunity to work on how I look at life? For most of today and last night I allowed it to consume me, now, I work to improve myself in relation to it.

The files I posted to you are right in line with my philosophy of life. They're about letting go, letting life unfold as it will, not to fight and resist because that's what causes the suffering. Here's the example specific to my life right now - W is probably with the OM living it up. Having fun, laughing, crying on his shoulder as a 'victim', feeling him supporting (really enabling her issues) her, etc...

Well I can go the route of - well she's got her share of issues, he's got his, they'll eventually collide then reality will set in, her good will turn bad, ....blah, blah, blah,

or

I can look inside myself and see why I am resisting reality. Things are already AS THEY ARE. That's it, that's reality, My anger and depression isn't caused by her being with him, it's being caused by my perception of what that means to ME. I am resisting what is so I suffer. I know this. But obviously it isn't deep enough into me or else this wouldn't be having the effect it's having. So I have work to do. Letting go, letting life, accepting reality, dropping resistance, elevating my mindset to a level where I can feel peace and contentment in my life right now with everything as it already is. So, since I"m in this loop, you'll probably see posts and such from that perspective.

[bklynt]

Steady -
Just read your post and wanted to say thank you for all your insights and postings. I too have copied many down as they will be great reminders during all my waves of strength and regressions. I've shared many of the feeling and sentiments you've expressed. Much appreciated.

MySitch
Me - 35
W - 34
Phy Sep - 7/1/10
Want a "legal separation" 9/1/10

[steady]

Brooklyn? Just curious. It was the first thing that crossed my mind when I read your name. I was born at Kings Hospital and lived on E 59th St. in Flatbush.

Anyway, I appreciate you stopping by. You've been here a little while and I'm sorry to see you need to be here. I'll wander over to your thread and see if there's anything I can help with.

I think the feelings and sentiments are universal for all the left behind spouses. It is so much better than it has been over the past years (I've been in this sitch since Jan 08) and the lows aren't anywhere near as pervasive or deep.

I'm already almost completely out of the one I just found myself in. This one didn't start until late yesterday afternoon. I remember when they would last for weeks or even months.

Thanks again for you post.

[whiskey.tango]

I can look inside myself and see why I am resisting reality. Things are already AS THEY ARE. That's it, that's reality, My anger and depression isn't caused by her being with him, it's being caused by my perception of what that means to ME. I am resisting what is so I suffer. I know this. But obviously it isn't deep enough into me or else this wouldn't be having the effect it's having. So I have work to do. Letting go, letting life, accepting reality, dropping resistance, elevating my mindset to a level where I can feel peace and contentment in my life right now with everything as it already is. So, since I"m in this loop, you'll probably see posts and such from that perspective.

Brilliant.

Continue detaching. Doesn't mean it's not gonna hurt. Doesn't mean you're not going to have moments of thinking how inappropriate she's being. But those moments won't be hours, days of spinning. Have the thought, acknowledge it, learn what you can about yourself and let it go.

You're keepin' it real, my friend. And that's a very good thing.

WT

[bklynt]

You guessed right. Brooklyn it is. I can't imagine being in my sitch for as long as you have but I take comfort in the knowledge and wisdom you've shared. The hard part is truly learning and living it (especially as I'm more of a sprinter and not a marathon runner so to speak.)
Riding that wave indeed...

[steady]

WT, once again, my rock. This is gonna get get sappy but I don't care. Although we've never met and don't know each other outside of these boards I consider you one of my friends. You have been with me for quite some time and continue to be.

I really appreciate the fact you continue to watch my thread and interject when you do. You always seem to have the knack of hitting the spot and help point me in the right direction. I respect you for that.

This phase of spinning around the drain has stopped and I have a clear direction of work. I'm getting on it as soon as I finish posting and put my S to bed.

I am starting to see when I hit these times of negativity, the faster I dig to find the message life is giving me the quicker I come out of it. I really do find life has a life of its own and has always given me what I needed, not necessarily what I wanted. I'll take needed over wanted any day.

Thanks for stopping by.

[steady]

You guessed right. Brooklyn it is. I can't imagine being in my sitch for as long as you have but I take comfort in the knowledge and wisdom you've shared. The hard part is truly learning and living it (especially as I'm more of a sprinter and not a marathon runner so to speak.)
Riding that wave indeed...

The thing that kicked it off was in Jan 08 she told me she wanted to see a marriage counselor because she wasn't happy. We went to one for about 4 sessions until the counselor told my W she was a catastrophizer. Of course we couldn't go back because the C pushed my W's most tender button - one of her issues.

In April of 08 I got the bomb. MC from Aug until Dec. W just blew smoke up my a$$ and didn't do anything the MC told her she needed to do. MC told us both we need to do IC to dispose of the issues we each carried into the M. I did it, W went twice until the C poked her issues.

Jan 09 W said she wanted a D. MC was over. We lived in same house until Jan 10. This was after we did a forensic analysis with a PhD Clinical Psychologist who slammed her in his report. She was and is fighting me over custody.

We've been rotating in and out of the house ever since. She has made 2 attempts at getting a restraining order and now is trying a 3rd time - this time in the divorce court rather than family court.

So yeah, two and a half years of cr@p. But man have I grown. I took the opportunity to grow.

You'll come to the understanding this place isn't about saving your M. It's about saving yourself. If you can reconcile your M it will be a bonus. But I can assure you of this - if you don't save yourself, you won't save your M. Even if you reconcile, without you both making the changes the M will only go back to what brought you here now.

Read the book NMMNG. I think you'll find it speaks to you. Just my gut feeling, but I've learned to trust my gut.

[FaithnAK]

You'll come to the understanding this place isn't about saving your M. It's about saving yourself. If you can reconcile your M it will be a bonus. But I can assure you of this - if you don't save yourself, you won't save your M. Even if you reconcile, without you both making the changes the M will only go back to what brought you here now.

Deserves a quote

[steady]

It seems this down cycle is more pervasive than I thought. I am having an influx of all kinds of feelings. Anger, regret, loss, fear.

I've absorbed a sizable amount of debt due to the legal costs and the D process hasn't even started yet.

Yesterday I sent her a text asking her to pick up some allergy pills for our S from a store which is only a few minutes from where she works. Probably only a block and a half from the route she takes home. It got insane. She refused to do it, telling me it's my turn to get them, my turn to pay certain bills, etc...

This went back and forth twice and got to a point where it was totally ridiculous.

As I was typing out a response to her last email, I just suddenly realized how stupid it was to have gone where we ended up over a $27 box of pills. Her behavior was spiteful and vindictive and I called her on it. But in the end, what does it matter?

This is what I ended up writing:

I don't see any reason to continue on about this. We have wasted enough time and energy over a $27 box of pills. I'm sure we both have better things to do than engage in a petty argument bickering back and forth between us. I'd be embarrassed to show these emails to someone - we're acting like two immature kids fighting over nonsense. It has only added to the deterioration of our already deteriorating relationship and has added nothing positive to either one of us or our children.

<son> got his pills and that's all that really mattered in the whole thing anyway.

I let myself get pulled in to her game and I'm disappointed in myself.

I'm not sure why I am still cycling on this stuff, on her, on her with OM, on all of it. You would think someone who has endured her barrage of what I can often say is just evil and vindictive behavior wouldn't be cycling around in the emotions.

I wanted to prove my rightness and I wanted to beat her up a little bit. I'd rather not have any of those desires. I'd rather just not care at all one way or the other.

[ericmsant2]

Steady

I could not help but respond to this post as I have cycled as well.

I am having an influx of all kinds of feelings. Anger, regret, loss, fear.

All normal IMO. Deep down inside you still love her and hence you are going through these period where your emotions are all over the place. Ya know what it is okay to still love her. Separate the actions from the person and change how you are looking at this interaction.

I've absorbed a sizable amount of debt due to the legal costs and the D process hasn't even started yet.

Boy do I know what you are talking about. I’m down 7K and we have had ONE meeting with the attnys. IMO – you are going to have to ask yourself a very hard question….Are you fighting for what you really believe in OR is there some small part of YOU that is trying to MAKE HER realize the consequences of her choice. If it is the later, then ask yourself…is that Steady’s job? Her choices are HER’s – IMO, it is not the LBS’s role to try and HELP them realize the consequences. The consequences will happen as they are suppose to happen.

As I was typing out a response to her last email, I just suddenly realized how stupid it was to have gone where we ended up over a $27 box of pills.]/quote]
SO now you realized how stupid it was….a very simple solution – do better the next time.

[quote]I let myself get pulled in to her game and I'm disappointed in myself.

Your not super man…so ya made a mistake. I guess that makes you human. So, recognize what it is/was and do better the next time.

I wanted to prove my rightness and I wanted to beat her up a little bit. I'd rather not have any of those desires. I'd rather just not care at all one way or the other.

AH….anger….hate it don’t ya. I do too, BUT we have to feel it. Just remember, it is HOW WE deal with it that matters.

Now, pick yourself up – enough of the pity party today – get the f*ck up and keep working on being the man that Steady wants to be!

Stop fighting the love that you still have for her. Stop letting pride and anger drive your interactions. Change how you look at this. Think of it as an opportunity to learn something about yourself as oppose to a bad interaction.

Are you still fighting the natural flow of life? Are you still fighting this?

Maybe it is the NYer in us that make this so difficult – don’t know buddy either way – you can and will do better!

Chin up dude

God Bless,
Eric (a NYer as well)