Bustorama-Thread 1

[CityGirl]

Do not make any financial moves until you talk to an attny.

CA is very stringent w/calculations and it's all done via software (IOW there is no wiggle room, the calculations are what they are).

If you only give her a month to "get on her feet" I can almost bet she will see an attny and get some formal framework in place.

See an attny - YOU take the lead on the framework and go from there. You can't just go moving assets w/o structure - it won't look good for you.

For ANYBODY reading this - if your spouse leaves you the FIRST thing you do is get a financial structure in place. A formal one. Period.

[bustorama]

I am now torn on whether I should continue to do this until the lease runs out (1 year)

You plan on financing her seperation for a year? !!

Yeah, it's hogwild crazy talk isn't it? I guess I'm just sort of waking up from the denial stage.

I agree with you guys I need to stop this, see a L to understand the long-term ramifications (if D) of any current support, and also find what I am legally obligated to support at the moment.

I also agree with you guys that why would she NOT continue the sep when she can cake eat. She has a loser friend that is in a similar situation where her baby's daddy is helping pay for the friend's apartment even though they were never married, and the W is now a cougar bar-hopping hoebag. I shake my head at it, but really how different is my current sitch now....

[bustorama]

QUESTION ON RINGS

So I figure this question may have different answers for different people, but I've wondered how LBS see the issue of wearing their rings. My WAS has had hers off since April. To date, I have continued to wear mine reflecting my commitment to our M. An outward sign of my commitment to and ultimate confidence in our M.

However, I have been struggling with continuing to wear it over the last few weeks for a few reason. One is that the rings, to me, also reflect a mutual commitment each of us gave to the other and if she is not presently committed to working on the R and our issues then there presently is no mutual commitment. A second related issue is who am I having an R/M with if she is not wearing hers? Myself?? A final one is couldn't continuing to wear the ring even be perceived as an implicit sign of pursuit and of clinginess/neediness? Happy for any input on how others see/saw this in their situation.

[bustorama]

UPDATE

Took D2 to toddler gymnastic class Sat AM then did the assistant coach thing for my D5's team on Saturday (she and they did great!). Afterwards, went to D5 ballet class. Crazy Sat AM. At some point during these activities, W (who comes to the activities separately) said to me that she didn't want me to think that she didn't think about moving back in. She said she was thinking about it all the time, really alot lately. I said "uh huh." Then she said that there would need to be alot of changes in the house to get rid of the bad associations she had with it. I said, "Tell me more about what you mean." Then she listed off a bunch of remodeling things she would want to do including knocking down a pony wall, that it would need to look physically different but she loved the location of the house and the lot and didn't want us to just get a new house. I said, well, if it ever came to it, that would be something I'd be willing to discuss with her, that I was all about knocking down walls. Then she said something like she wasn't there yet and she wasn't sure if she ever would be. I then changed the subject.

She later asked me if I would fill up her car with gas for her cause it was low, and I said no way, girl, you got two legs and kind of laughed at her. Then she said (kidding sort of flirting) that she hated me and went to go fill it up herself.

That night I went out with one of my buds and a couple of his friends downtown. We had a few beers then went to some club where we met these really cute girls in town from Arizona who were having a bachelorette party. Flirted, played, and danced with them most of the night. Loads of fun. Ridiculous to get 1000x as much affection, flirting, and attention from 20- and 30-something girls you just meet as compared to your W.

This AM I took D2 and D5 to their swimming lessons. At the "switch," W invited me to go grocery shopping with her and said I could "help control the little ones." I said no, I was busy. Then she asked me if I could drop off a pie mold and rolling pin from the house on my way to where I was going, and I said fine. Dropped them off and she asked me to have lunch with her and the girls. I started to eat some leftovers real quick out of a tupperware, and she starts telling me about something a (guy) friend of hers said to her that morning that bothered her. This is one of the guys on FB that she talks alot with and that I have wondered sort of has an EA (but not sexual) quality to it. I guess the guy has a new girlfriend and he was telling my W that he and the girlfriend felt sorry for my W's current job situation. My W said it made her feel real angry and like put down and she was real pissed at him and he was acting like a snotty tool. I basically validated her feelings and told her I thought what she did was very worthwhile and important and that she was great at it. That I was proud of her and respected the choices she had made in her career. She thanked me for listening to her with all kinds of eye contact. Then I said I had to go. She followed me out and kept saying thanks with a sweet tone to her voice.

Went and met friends and played poker and watched football the rest of the afternoon. Going to workout now.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

That I was proud of her and respected the choices she had made in her career. She thanked me for listening to her with all kinds of eye contact. Then I said I had to go. She followed me out and kept saying thanks with a sweet tone to her voice.

Bust-

Good job keeping your composure.

One point though The use of the word proud should be used for the kids. You need to be your W's cheerleader, so to speak.
Saying happy for you or a great choice would have beemn more appropriate.

All good though.
gr8

[bustorama]

Thanks for the pointer. Yeah, I actually was searching for a different word at the time but couldnt find it.

[pinhead]

Hey Busto,

Expect more of the same from your wife; she'll keep taking your temperature to see if you're going to be a safe fallback.

Sounds like a great weekend with your daughters, and with the 'Zona babes.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Don't read into the ring thing. Do what you feel is the right thing to do.

Me personally, I never wore my ring during the entire marriage except when we went out to family functions. I am not a jewelry guy. I just disn't wear any jewlery at all.

I didn't need a ring to remind me of what M was.
I never cheated or thought about cheating.

[bustorama]

Where's Steve McQueen when you need him? My Betty Crocker W just sent me cell pic of the pie she baked. Too funny.

[bustorama]

Questions in anticipation

There are some upcoming situations on which I would like advice.

1) WEDDING: Cousin of W is getting married at end of November (Thanksgiving week). W is going to be a bridesmaid in the wedding. Our D's will be flower girls. I anticipate that she may ask me to come. I have mixed feelings on going. On the one hand, I would like to celebrate her cousin's wedding (I know her well), see the rest of W's family coming in from out of town, and see the girls be flower girls. It also could be a lot of fun to attend a wedding with W *IF* she treats it as a real date. On the other hand, I wouldn't be interested in attending if it's basically to serve as a babysitter for the girls while W socializes with family or for W to treat me as more a friend than a date. Input on how to handle?

2) HOLIDAYS: With Thanksgiving and Christmas approaching, there's the question of how to handle things from the family perspective. Obviously each of us would like to spend the holidays with the girls, but spending them together as a "family" (but without us reconciled or working actively towards reconciliation) seems wrong. Input/advice?