Re-read my last statement - the last thing I need is someone telling me how much I had to do with my sucky marriage.
That does sound like I'm not taking ownership - but I want to be clear that I AM taking ownership of my part - but that doesn't give someone carte blanche to have an A either. I guess that's what I'm saying.
LH, No one is suggesting that it is OK to have an affair. Ever. I don't think that anyone deserves it, regardless of circumstance. I don't know that you understand this to be my stance, so I am just putting it out there.
I am very sorry for your pain. It does get better, honest.
The one thing that I have to offer is to never do something you are not ready to do, or not wanting to do. (i.e. be the one to file). If you don't want a divorce, you should let your H be the one to do it. In the meantime, however, protect yourself financially.
You are not alone, LH. There are so many great people here that will give up their time to offer you support/guidance. Let them.
Then don't. He was pushing for a disillusionment - he had an attorney already and was copying him on the email. I really felt that if I didn't go this this route, the quickie "lets agree to disagree" type of D would happen and before I knew I'd have no chance. He is doing everything he can to make sure to pay as little as he possibly can in all of this. I really felt I needed to go this route to protect myself and my S financial well being. I know him, I know how he thinks and he twists and manipulates to not have to pay what he should (he did it to his ex and) she had nearly had to file bankruptcy, then he came to her rescue and looked like a hero. But he's been sticking it to her for years.
What do you risk?
Your pride?
Your dignity?
Your self respect?
Those are things for you to find in yourself not in response to your H.
It's funny you say that because one of my issues was that I was so independent that I never defined myself by anyone but me. It really is a downfall of mine.
That is the journey we focus on here.
So.
A question.
What are you prepared to do for your M if you are not assured it will be saved? I'm not assured it will be saved - I know this - but what I'm doing now for my M is working to create a home that is safe and secure for my S and I.
If your H continues his A and his denial of you? Be the best mom I can be. Do everything I can to make certain this doesn't negatively effect him.
What are you prepared to do to save yourself? I have a really, really go therapist. I've been going to her for months and she is helping tremendously. I'm focusing on my S. I'm working out, signed up to volunteer, reconnecting with friends and family.
This tragedy we all share can also be the greatest gift you may ever understand in your life.
It is all up to you.
I'm trying - I really am - my thoughts are consumed with this - I'm still trying to figure out how to not let my mind go there constantly. I used my therapists suggestion today and actually said STOP out loud. It works for about 3-4 seconds.
I hope I don't sound like I'm making excuses - I feel like that's how its coming out. I really do want to heal, for my S, for my health - physical and emotional.
I truly am sorry you have found yourself here, and based on the date you signed up to post you haven't been at this for very long.
Before I started posting I lurked for several months. I figured that my Husband would come to his senses soon enough and there was no point in starting a thread.
My Husband's MLC took a long time.
There were days when I was so done with "standing" that I just was ready to file for a Divorce myself to stop the pain.
I learned to give myself a time out. I sought therapy. I vented here. I read books. I started knitting again. Anything for a distraction.
I tried really hard to be a good Mother to my kids and not ever bad mouth their Dad. That was the hardest part. When they would cry for him and not being able to say "sorry daddy can't be here as he is off with another woman who is more important then his family".
LH I had a complete breakdown over this. I lost too much weight. I didn't sleep. I was obsessed. I was totally alone after the exposure because nobody believed me.
One of the best things you can do for yourself is to work on your own issues and to learn how to forgive regardless if he comes back or not.
If you can step back a little bit....
What are some of the things he used to complain about during the marriage? How valid were his complaints?
My Husband had a laundry list of things, and some of the things he complained about were true. I worked with my therapist to go through the list.
I tried to stop focusing on him and start working on me.
There really are alot of people in this forum who can offer wonderful tips and give advice, so please keep asking questions.
We are all here for you.
Blessings,
BND
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
BND, I have read a lot of your threads in the past. They gave me some hope for the future at such a low time in my life. Thanks for posting again. I am looking forward to reading your thoughts and reflections of your H's MLC and the transition from almost divorced to reconciled. There is no question in my mind that my H has had a MLC. He appears to have made some progress over the past three months.
LH...I wasn't attacking you, nor do I think anyone else was...often times people are even posting at the same time so never think a post is in direct relation to you unless it is said
Affairs are never OK but to rub someone's face in it isn't oK either (again...not sugesting you are doing this) I am merely saying the reason for exposure needs to be a sound one
not one to make them pay to prove you are right or wonderful for standing by them, ready to forgive
saving your marriage begins by saving yourself
if you don't save yourself, you are destined to repeat the pattern
what can you do, LH, to save yourself so you are ready for any relationships (platonic or romantic) that come into your life
what are the blessings that you can find (I used to keep a list...some days it was that I woke up and remembered to do laundry so I had clean clothes)
the lists were important for me to remember that God continues to work in my life.
the blessings are abundant now too many to list but I still try to count them
Just finished the book "Infidelity" by Dr. Don-David Lusterman
This book has some good advice in it and takes you through the different types of affairs including MLC. Their is a section on "life crisis" including MLC. It deals with the secrecy, children, family and freinds, advice to the one in crisis.
I question some of what is written to the one in crisis. I wonder how many people having an affair are going to read this book. Much of the advice seems to be geared towards them. Not that there is anything wrong with the advice that they are being given just whether they will take it or not.
The one thing that also seems absent from this book is the exposure theory, that is put forth on other forums as a technique for breaking the affair. Very little if anything is written on this subject.
I have another book on infidelity "Not just Friends" by Shirley Glass. up next. Just flipping through it, I can not find anything on exposure either.
If anyone knows which books actually advocate exposing the affair that is what I would like to read. Any advice on this would be appreciated.
