Going home......................

[figgeroni]

In decide to expose the affair
ask your self why you are doing it

are you coming from a place where you want them to "wake up and end it?"

or

are you coming from a place of truth

if your motives are pure truth...you are exposing not to make them pay or to make them realize their mistake,

if you are exposing for you
for truth

and the end result isn't why you are exposing

then expose

if you are exposing to be "right" to "wake them up" "so that other people will know what a slimeball/slut the OP is" or any other reason...don't expose

you aren't doing it from a place of healing
you are playing "who is more righteous"

[WCW]

bnd, ellie has a thread in Surviving.

[LanceSijan]

Lance and Puppy,

Come on over to the WH for a beer summit. I am not talking about the White House. I am talking about the Wonka House!!

Wonka
I would be honored to attend the WH for a summit!
Let me know the time and date.

In the meantime YOU and everyone else are invited to Little Friday every Thursday night at 7PM. Sorry it is BYOB!

Here is the link, let us know if you want to go.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2033062&page=1

[CMNM]

Thank you, Fig!

I agree with your whole post...especially that last line about who is more righteous. Brilliant!

In my humble opinion:

Um, yeah, it sucks to be cheated on. But concentrating on exposure.."intel" and letter writing and phone calls to people who really should not be in your marriage...doesn't it take away from the idea that an OP is a symptom and not the cause of your sucky marriage?

It is so much easier to blame an OP. Much harder to own up to your own part in the marriage problems and to work on improving youself.


I do not condone affairs and I think they are the most cowardly thing a person can do. However, having a cheating spouse does not give you carte blanche to become a complete biatch or ba$tard. It is as if people suddenly think that they can trash the spouse for every other thing they have done, and the spouse is supposed to hang his head and realize what a horrible person he is.

If only it were that easy.
If only we were all so perfect.

[lovehurts]

In decide to expose the affair
ask your self why you are doing it

are you coming from a place where you want them to "wake up and end it?"

or

are you coming from a place of truth

if your motives are pure truth...you are exposing not to make them pay or to make them realize their mistake,

if you are exposing for you
for truth

and the end result isn't why you are exposing

then expose

if you are exposing to be "right" to "wake them up" "so that other people will know what a slimeball/slut the OP is" or any other reason...don't expose

you aren't doing it from a place of healing
you are playing "who is more righteous"

cant you expose for truth and to take the clandestine "fun" out of it so they look at it through more realistic eyes?

[Wonka]

GAG...will certainly come over to your thread and take a look at your questions.

[lovehurts]

I agree with your whole post...especially that last line about who is more righteous. Brilliant!

I just want to point out that I've never stated I didn't have something to do with where our marriage had gotten to. As a matter of fact, most people had to tell me to stop blaming myself. However, nothing justifies an affair.


Um, yeah, it sucks to be cheated on. But concentrating on exposure.."intel" and letter writing and phone calls to people who really should not be in your marriage...doesn't it take away from the that an OP is a symptom and not the cause of your sucky marriage?

Isn't asking people for support? It's uncomfortable, but why not try to get people who you both respect support your marriage?

As far as the sucky marriage - again, you don't have to tell us we have a part in a sucky marriage.

[i]When you have a cold or the flu - don't you do things to treat the symptoms of those illnesses? I don't say, if it weren't for this runny nose, I wouldn't have cold? No I know that the COLD is the reason for the runny nose, but I'm going to blow my nose and take meds to treat that symptom.

It is so much easier to blame an OP. Much harder to own up to your own part in the marriage problems and to work on improving youself.

Again, you don't have to tell us!

I do not condone affairs and I think they are the most cowardly thing a person can do. However, having a cheating spouse does not give you carte blanche to become a complete biatch or ba$tard. It is as if people suddenly think that they can trash the spouse for every other thing they have done, and the spouse is supposed to hang his head and realize what a horrible person he is.

I've not been a biatch - I've not only been respectful, I've been coached to NOT name call, NOT attack, NOT trash him.

If only it were that easy.
If only we were all so perfect.

Who has said at any point this is easy OR that we are perfect?

I'm not 100% sure any of this is right or wrong. But what I don't like is being judged for doing what I think is right to save my marriage. If someone thought is was so wrong, why didn't they speak up day one, week one, or month one? Why is it only happening now?

I'm trying like hell to save my marriage. I love my H with every ounce of my being. He's crushed me. I describe it as feeling like my hearts been ripped out and dropped on the floor in front of me...I can see it beating but I can't reach it to put it back in and mend the damage. CRUSHED! and I guess the last thing I need is someone else telling my how much I had to do with my sucky marriage.

Thanks for taking the time to hear me out.

Respectfully,
LH

[CMNM]

LH,

I don't know why you think this post was directed at YOU. It wasn't. Why are you so defensive?

As for your cold theory...
well, the approach I am coming from is that sure, you will blow your nose to treat that symptom, but you damn well better wash your hands or do the things you didn't do that allowed the virus in.

Look, I am not the enemy here, and I don't know why you responded in the way you did. I don't come from a place of attacking people. If the things I say sting a little, well, as we say here, you should probably examine why. If none of it pertained to you, why didn't you just shrug it off? Why personalize it?

Maybe I come off much harsher than I intend to. I know what I mean, and all I can do is tell you again that it is not my intention to hurt you or anyone else.

My post was a generalization of the many things/people I see here. I made a lot of mistakes and am just trying to point some things out so that others will hopefully learn quicker than I did.

Your pain is no greater than the pain any of us came here with. The thing is, all you can control in this is YOU. So if you don't want to talk about your part in this, how are you going to prevent getting to the same place once you are reconciled?
(see? Positive thinking!)

Hope this clears things up.

[Truegritter]

But what I don't like is being judged for doing what I think is right to save my marriage.

No one is judging you.

We don't even know you.

We only give opinions based on our own experience and that of those who came before us.

Some opinions differ on a lot of this.

Some people listen to advice some people don't and they have to find their way by doing twhat they think is right.

Experience is a great teacher and so is pain a great motivator.

We all understand the intensity of the pain because we all have been where you are LH.

All of us.

Expose or not expose. Do what you want. I can tell you if it's MLC you won't be getting anywhere but that is just IMHO.

What Fig and CNMN posted is great wisdom and you will be ready to hear it without

...nodding your head and saying "you don't have to tell us".

When you are ready to hear it. And that is not today.

I am not trying to tweak your nose.

While you are focused on your H and the affair you are still too emotionally bound by this tragedy in your marriage.

[lovehurts]

Thank you both for your replies. The reason I thought it was directed at me was it was posted DIRECTLY after I posted and in response to my letter I posted for someone else.

I'm certainly not suggesting that my pain is any greater than anyone else's here. In fact, I read things that make me shudder. However, my pain is unique to me.

I, too, may be getting "read" as harsher than I intend my message. I'm trying to understand all sides. I've gotten great support and advice from Allen. I appreciate all that he's saying, but am not niave enough to believe that it's a "one size fits all approach"

I've gone the route of exposure. It's still fairly fresh (it's been a little over a month) and I'm getting some support in some places and very little in others (from people I would think would support me - H ex W and OW's H are NOT supportive (I find that sooooo odd)

I also went the path of telling him as long as he's continuing the A, he can't be here. It's progressed the D to lightening speed but I believe I HAD to do this because it was slowly killing me. And I don't mean that figuratively....I mean that literally. My inability to eat and sleep was severely effecting me (or is it affecting?) I'm still struggling with those two things but it's much less than when the A was being thrown in my face daily. I was also beginning to build walls of resentment, even hatred, toward my H that I was afraid would kill my desire to want to save the M.

So that is where I am now.....H not living here....A still being touted as alleged but stronger than ever....D started. So right, wrong or indifferent....I'm lying in the bed I made alone.

I just want to be clear that I am looking within myself. I've done the 180 and am continuing to live the changes I've made. I'm pretty sure I know where I went wrong. Unfortunately, the A happening didn't allow him to appreciate the 180 - it made him resent it.

So again, I'm sorry if I came across as defensive, but understandably - it was right after my post. I'm open to apposing opinions to decide what is best for my situation.