Ominus Bonus

[FaithnAK]

OM confirmed.
It stung a bit when I saw that email (was in a box she left at the house) and was a bit sad. Although it did may things make more sense and it was something I've had a gut feeling about for a while now.

I've learned a valuable lesson from my sitch and I will NEVER take it for granted again. YOUR GUT IS NEVER WRONG.

It does make things clearer and as much as it hurts, you know you're really not crazy/paranoid/jealous. That's a positive.

Hang in there Friend

[steady]

CD - I actually feel pretty good. It hasn't really done much internal damage. I've been going through my sitch for two and half years now and have had plenty of time to detach. I also knew she would eventually be with someone and even had a sense she already was. So all of that dampened the impact of it.

TimeHeals - to be honest, it didn't bother me at all. She would show me the emails and they were harmless stuff about his life and stuff that was going on. She even said a number of times, 'He has no shot', and even called him a dork many times to me. She would also make fun of his long emails and how he would complain about all this stuff.

Live and learn.

Pinhead - the thing is this - I wasn't insecure and jealous and never was bothered by it at all. I'm not sure when it started up but my feeling (gut) is as she was going through all of this he provided the 'emotional' support she was seeking in her victim role. We all know about EA's.

FaithnAK - yes. The gut was there but I could not find any solid evidence. I looked.

In my mind I stopped wondering because it doesn't change anything. The only thing it will change at this point is how she will look in the eyes of the court and the psychologist due to the fact she has brought our children around him. I never imagined she would do that since we had even talked about that a few months after she dropped the D bomb. I assumed she was smarter than she really is.

I am attempting to collect more evidence so I can give it to my lawyer.

[steady]

A bit tired today. I'm burning the candle from both ends and it's wearing me out. I worked 9 to 9 yesterday to make up hours and didn't get to sleep till late.

On my way to work I saw I had a voice mail on my phone. It was my son. He said, "Hi Dad, I was wondering if you could use your work hours to stay with us for about half of the day. Ok? Goodbye. Give me a call when you finish."

My W has to work today and the kids have no school so her mom is watching them. It was a nice message to get from him. Especially since my W is claiming they are begging her to be with her all the time and just 'visit' me.

[CD Bear]

Great message, Steady.

The truth always finds it's way out.

[Truegritter]

'He has no shot', and even called him a dork many times to me. She would also make fun of his long emails and how he would complain about all this stuff.

Steady you are right.

It is easier for them to go down the ladder so to speak and be with someone who mirrors their own dysfunctional emotional state.

Expectations of them are certainly much lower.

To let yourself be damaged by that is wasted energy.

Just see it for what it is.

More evidence of the crisis she is in.

[steady]

Thanks Gritter. Needed to read those things you wrote. Over the past few days I have, for some reason, not by my intention, began seeing it as her crisis.

I've talked to her in the past about the cycles we run through. We repeat them over and over until we get it right and learn what we're supposed to learn.

Her current R reflects almost exactly how her and I hooked up. I was living in VA as an instructor in a Jiu Jitsu/Adult self improvement school. My instructor, lets call him 'nut', bought a house with 52 acres and we built a school in his basement.

One of the instructors stayed in NY with a school. That instructor, lets call him 'vin', met my W and started dating her. The two of them eventually moved down to VA. Nut manipulated them out of their R. Nut and my W started spending a lot of time together. They did a lot of work together with our clients - energy healing type work. Nut wasn't shy about talking about how much he adored my W. Nut was married to a really nice woman who was also an instructor.

After a year of this everything started to get really crazy there. I was looking for an exit. My W was stressing and one day pursued me. We started seeing each other in secret. Sneaking around, etc...

Eventually we left and moved to the coast of VA.

Here she is under similar stressful circumstances, hooking up with someone who was a friend, (her and I were friends down in VA), he's providing E support, they're sneaking around and hiding their R, he's definitely someone she can push around and walk on, etc...

It's basically mirroring how her and I got together. Eerily similar.

I find I can see it more for what it is than what it means to me. It actually hasn't had that big of an impact on me. I think it's because of how long my sitch has been going on.

About a year or so ago I told her one day she would be doing the dishes, hear a song, looking out the window, or some other simple or innocent thing, and suddenly she would wake up and wonder what the hell she did.She may, may not. I used to hope for that day but I don't anymore. At the time it seemed like it would be nice vindication, but I don't need that validation like I did back then. I'm in a much healthier spot in reference to my own self worth/esteem. I have gotten to a point where I'm pretty solid in self-validation and don't need it from an outside source. There's still some residual in me and I'm not sure I could ever get it all out.

But I feel solid. I like who I am. I like who I have become. I like the vision of who I am still turning into.

[CD Bear]

I told her one day she would be doing the dishes, hear a song, looking out the window, or some other simple or innocent thing, and suddenly she would wake up and wonder what the hell she did.She may, may not. I used to hope for that day but I don't anymore. At the time it seemed like it would be nice vindication, but I don't need that validation like I did back then. I'm in a much healthier spot in reference to my own self worth/esteem. I have gotten to a point where I'm pretty solid in self-validation and don't need it from an outside source.
But I feel solid. I like who I am. I like who I have become. I like the vision of who I am still turning into.

Hey Steady-
I trust it felt as good to write this as it did for me to read it.

I've talked to her in the past about the cycles we run through. We repeat them over and over until we get it right and learn what we're supposed to learn.

I've had similar conversations.
I'm hoping that this time I'm learning.
Irecognize the same problems I have had; see the pattern. The difference is THIS time I am going to do more than identify them. I am going to eradicate them as much as I can.

There's still some residual in me and I'm not sure I could ever get it all out.

Otherwise you'd be perfect and always do things "right". And we know what that means and where it gets us, right?

[steady]

I just had an interesting thought about 180's. I think most people approach them from the wrong direction - as a way to somehow manipulate their spouse to notice or become re-interested in them.

I see 180's as a way to restore balance internally to ourselves and also to the way we function and behave in relationships.

Obviously, if you find yourself here, you're relationship is out of balance. The way I see it there is no 'relationship' entity, but rather two individuals coming together.

The only way to improve a relationship is by improving the way each individual thinks, behaves, etc.. Usually both people are out of balance to some degree when a R gets into a crisis state.

180's are a way to bring us into balance. Since we are the only person we can do anything about as far as changing we work on ourselves. In doing so we hope the healthy and functional changes have a positive effect on our relationship and our spouse.

If you work too many hours a 180 would be to spend more time at home. If we are too aloof, a 180 would be to be more engaging with our spouse. If we are smothering giving our spouse space is a 180.

GAL'ing is a positive change in relation to the fact that both individuals need to have a life outside of their R in order to have a healthy R. Having a life independent of our spouse has a number of positive effects - not the least of which is something else to talk about other than the day to day family/children stuff which can get very boring and monotonous over time.

(I know the post is disjointed - just capturing thoughts as they come)

I think the problem is most people look at 180's as a way to 'get what they want' - a re-commitment to reconcile. This is a wrong approach because it is based on control and manipulation - something I believe is ultimately impossible to succeed at as I've stated in many of my posts here on the boards.

Like many here have said - the best way to save your M is to save yourself. We do this by restoring balance in ourselves and in our own lives with the hope it has a positive effect on the M and our spouse.

[steady]

I told her one day she would be doing the dishes, hear a song, looking out the window, or some other simple or innocent thing, and suddenly she would wake up and wonder what the hell she did.She may, may not. I used to hope for that day but I don't anymore. At the time it seemed like it would be nice vindication, but I don't need that validation like I did back then. I'm in a much healthier spot in reference to my own self worth/esteem. I have gotten to a point where I'm pretty solid in self-validation and don't need it from an outside source.
But I feel solid. I like who I am. I like who I have become. I like the vision of who I am still turning into.

Hey Steady-
I trust it felt as good to write this as it did for me to read it.

It feels good to be this far into being self validating. I have more distance to travel but I feel I've passed a critical point in it.

I've talked to her in the past about the cycles we run through. We repeat them over and over until we get it right and learn what we're supposed to learn.

I've had similar conversations.
I'm hoping that this time I'm learning.
Irecognize the same problems I have had; see the pattern. The difference is THIS time I am going to do more than identify them. I am going to eradicate them as much as I can.

The funny thing is this - I've seen these patterns since I was 24. I eradicated a bunch of them in a lot of areas of my life but obviously missed many of them. Never pulled the root and only trimmed the branches.

There's still some residual in me and I'm not sure I could ever get it all out.

Otherwise you'd be perfect and always do things "right". And we know what that means and where it gets us, right?

Ah yes. Perfectionism. It's much more freeing not to be under it's thumb.

[Truegritter]

Steady

I agree with your post about 180's and GALing.

I have come to the same conclusion on how this plays out.

It is a process for the LBS.

We are motivated first by our desire to get our spouses back

The changes (real or not) are more tactical.

Only when we start to look inside do we find our own answers.

Our actions become a function of who we are and not a means to an end...