The year of not my problem

[AJM]

Journaling:
The weekend was awesome. Spent it with my church family. Mostly youth. What a blast! Sun. Surf. Great weather. Great people. Very tiring, but very relaxing as well.

I realized a few things while there. It's not mine to hate her. I don't have to hate her. I can continue to love her as I have. I suspect I always will in some ways. But I don't have to accept the behavior either.

I had to go see her on Friday. She is my student dentist. I have braces from her. I was ready to get them off, but need two more appts. Ok. But while there I was not willing to talk to her in anyway other than professionally. I have no desire to be friends. I really don't like her to be honest. Not sure if that's how it should be, but that's how it is. I have no respect for her and no desire to be friends with somebody like her. Even how she treats her other "friends" is appalling to me. But I realize as well that I do love her even if I cannot be around her. I love her despite her flaws. I don't love her like a wife any longer. I don't look for opportunities to be around her. I don't want to be. I wouldn't pick her as a friend if I did not know her. No, it's just that I see her as broken. And I don't hate the sinner - just the sin. I realize that now. I accept that she is what she is and I accept that I had very little to do with her leaving. I can see that now as the pain continues to subside.

I know I'm working on that last bit of letting go. It's not easy as anyone here can attest. I am working on it however. I am enjoying life more often than not. Starting to recognize normalcy and starting to calm down from the rest of the things I was doing to "run away" from the situation. To ease the pain to a more tolerable level.

I find that I really do like me. I really do enjoy not having that nuttiness, guilt, and anger around me. Can't live like that. I have to be free from that. I was willing to live with it. I admit that. I did what I could to save the marriage. What I thought was right. What I could. But I see that it wasn't about me to begin with and that's why my efforts made little difference in the end.

I waited for her to make up her mind. She did. I am now making my decisions based on what I want. I have been for quite a while and I like that. That return to being me.

I wish her the best. I really do. I feel sad about her and the things she has done to the family in her selfishness. But I don't hate her for it. I do get angry at times, but that's normal I think. I think she has done her best and it just wasn't enough. Ok. Can't fault her for that at least.

I'm going to focus even more on me and my kids. They need some help. A lot. My daughter isn't sleeping well. My son has been very withdrawn. And they live like they have no home. It's sad.

But we'll continue to overcome. As we do. And we'll pick up the pieces and build a better life. For me, without her. And that should be easier than the last several years. It is. For the kids it's going to be a little more difficult. But I'll be there to help them. I won't let them get stuck or hurt more than I can help.

Peace.

[AJM]

Journaling:
I received the returned sep agreement today from my lawyer. I was guessing that it would be soon - been more than three weeks and I suspected after our last encounter that she would approve whatever the lawyer said. It's a pattern. Not guessing her thoughts - can't do that and I get that.

I was reading some other posts a little while ago and was reminded of something Top O said to me once. He was the Marine Top at the MEPP station. I didn't sign that day because they were trying to put things in the contract I wouldn't agree to. He kept me in his office a while and then looked at me over his desk and said, "what makes you think the Marine Corps will want you when you're ready?" I didn't miss a beat and told him I would take that chance because it wasn't acceptable to me the way it was structured. We parted friends.

The reminder is this: what makes somebody think they can treat you a certain way or walk away and that you'll be there when they decide to come back? The answer of course is the same: doesn't matter.

And that is my thought for today. It really doesn't matter. What does matter is my self-esteem and confidence and most especially my kids. They are suffering horribly and there is not a damn thing I can do about that.

After reading her response, I was annoyed at first. It barely changed. The AOA is still in there which indicates to me that she is hiding something more. Know what? I may actually follow through on that to recoup some of the damages to the kids and savings. If I did, I would bring it up as publicly as I could. Dr Phil anyone?

Seriously. I don't want to do that. But at the same time I cannot be pushed any further than I have. These were her decisions and choices. She made them, not me. I never had a say in them. That was the other thought today - This all really had very little to do with me. I see that looking back that DB concepts didn't mean much because it wasn't about me. This is something else. What? I haven't a clue.

I am ok with that. I am not ok with being pushed even more. I am not ok with having to look at her and the guilt that she wears. I am not ok with her trying to control me and disrespect me.

She once mentioned we would be friends. I find that it won't be possible because there is no mutual respect. There won't be either since she is still the most selfish person I've ever met. She became that. Wasn't always the case. I remember loving her deeply. To be honest, I still do. Curse my black heart, right? But that's not the same as wanting a relationship with her. I do not. Neither do I want to see harm come to her. I plain do not want to see her, which surprises me since I still have trouble with the letting go the rest of the way. I accept that I will have trouble with that for a while. I am not a light switch. I am still being persecuted and she is still trying to hurt and control me.

I received an email from her last night. She wanted to let me know that she will be out of town this weekend and that she made arrangments for the kids to be at a friends tomorrow night. Ok. I could have done without the being told she was going to be out of town. Not important really. Really didn't need to know the kids were going to be at somebody else's house on a night they are supposed to be with her. I see the pattern. She wanders away from them as often as she can. They were with me this past weekend because, although it was her weekend she was out of town.
The pattern is that she is barely able to be a mom.

It saddens me to think she is so broken that this once wonderful woman can't even spend the time with her kids that they so desperately are asking for. Begging. I see signs of them giving up. I see the anger and hurt. I see the bottled up feelings they have. The confusion. It saddens me. It angers me as well. For their sake. I can recover from this and am nicely. They deserve better.

I know I know. They will make their own relationship with her. But it's going to be a long road for the kids. I'm not worried about her too much. Truth be told, I see that she is barely able to keep herself on the rails. And has had that problem for a very long time now.

That is the key to me. The key to keeping compassion in all of this. And not hating or becoming bitter. My thought process is this: do I want to be the reason she dies a slow, unhappy death? Even though I know it doesn't have to be that way, I know that she is incapable of doing it any other way at this point. At least in her own mind. I do feel somewhat sorry for her. The guilt. The pain. The confusion. The anger. The hatred. The confusion. (worth mentioning twice). The alienation. The pressure. The realization and subsequent effort to change history must be near unbearable. I know when I came close to doing that (nuttiness is infectious) it was not a pleasant thing to see.

So I am left with few choices. Because being a guy in this state leaves you automatically guilty. That's ok. I am not interested in the assets. Just the kids. The rest can burn down and I'm fine with that. I can rebuild an even better life. Once the arrows stop flying I can do so unfettered. Until then, there will be some hurdles. Some challenges. Ok. I can live with that. I have lived with that.

One choice I have to figure out is how to let the go the rest of the way. By that I mean faithfully. See, I am not one to lightly make a comittment nor to break one. My faith is mixed into this as well, as I made a promise to God. Hard to reconcile letting go with that promise. Any takers for that conversation?

Peace to you and yours. I know I am much closer to peace now. I like that. I like me so much more without her. I never thought I'd say that. That I would have the courage to say that.

[kat727]

You didn't break your promise to anyone let alone God. You did everything that you could so lay that burden down. If she really needed you, would you help? I don't mean a frivolous request but a real need, I would bet you would help.

As you continue to focus on you and your kids, imagine how you want your life to be. Get that picture as detailed as possible and then hop on the path to get you there. You will find that longer you are working on you and your new life the less the past will hurt. You will get to where you can even look at family photos and not lose it. All in good time.

Peace. kat

[AJM]

Thank you Kat. Really. I think it's just time to work on letting it go. I'm asking the questions. I'm working on it and realize I'm not completely free of the love for her. Nor the anger. Heck, just emotions related to her. But I recognize that letting her go emotionally is the key for me. She's nuts (at least around me and selfish as nobody I've ever seen in my lifetime even when I'm not around) and I have to let her go. Not for her or for the kids or anyone other than me.

Your words mean a lot. I appreciate it.

[Mila]

AJ, I'm reading along and realizing that we all struggle with similar issues, depending where on our journey we are at. Letting go emotionally is the hardest....unfortunately we can't just turn a switch. Anger helps at the initial stage, but I'm finding that as the anger subsides, I have to find compassion and forgiveness to truly let go....it's coming along, but still have ways to go.

(((hugs)))

[AJM]

Thanks Mila. It helps to know I'm not the only one.

Warm regards

[AJM]

Journaling: was thrown for a loop today. That's a good thing. I was reading a different thread and was thrown a curve. It made me think. Could it have been me? That lasted for about 30 seconds though. I have already done the work and looked long, hard, and critically at me. I like me. I had a few changes to make and I did. For me. I like them.
But I also had to face up to letting go. When somebody wants out, you do have to let them go. I am. It took a while because she wanted me to be the one to divorce her. For a long time. I won't do that because somebbody asks me to. That's like assisted suicide to me. A boundary.
But I will now. Why? I had to answer that to myself earlier today. Because she crossed a boundary of mine. I've known that but not sure I wanted to enforce it. I have to. I do want to. For me. The boundaries? She treated me like dirt, was angry at me for things I didn't even do(really) and left twice. Those are important to me.
So I am one step closer to letting go the rest of the way.

Bring on the weekend

[AJM]

Journaling: Funny. I was reading a different post and it occurred to me: it takes two. Abuse? Hmm.. I was abused much of my marriage. I am starting to wonder if she hadn't done this, if I would have. Perhaps.
Several people told many stories and had different opinions. Many of them I respect for what they've done and gone through. Their advice is golden.
But I have to admit much of it doesn't apply to me. I don't like that, but it is what it is.
I noticed on one thread a lady who is growing up. Dealing with past issues and examining her entire life and marriage as well. I applaud that, but I realize the pain it causes. I realize that her perspective is valid, but that the other side rarely gets heard.

Interesting.

[Kalni]

To take on the challenge from something you hear/learn/read and question yourself, see "you" under yet another different light, gives you the full image. And it is wise.
xxx

[soleil]

I think it's just time to work on letting it go. I'm asking the questions. I'm working on it and realize I'm not completely free of the love for her. Nor the anger. Heck, just emotions related to her. But I recognize that letting her go emotionally is the key for me. I have to let her go. Not for her or for the kids or anyone other than me.

The love is what makes it so hard. It would be so easy if we could just shut off that part of our hearts and move on but unfortunately, it does not work that way.

And I agree 100% -the key is to let go for you, not her.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move forward.

((( AJM )))