I'll put in my two cents. My H had a "regular" affair (I realize there is no such thing) nearly 10 years ago. I found out, confronted, and we got through it. There were definitely issues in our marriage at the time and I knew we were becoming more and more distant. He was remorseful and took responsibility and I took blame for my part in not making the marriage as strong as it should have been. But there were definite warning signs if I had cared to look.
Now that H is in MLC, it is totally different. He literally wrote me the most heartbreakingly romantic email less than a month before deciding he's never been in love with me. I can honestly say there were not warning signs of MARITAL issues. Looking back, I definitely see some subtle MLC changes. He is a DIFFERENT person right now. He has the weight of the world on his shoulders and its obvious. I don't see the OW as competition (as I rightfully did previously). I personally find the OW kind of sad if she feels that having a R with my H right now is a healthy thing. I know he's not right and to a certain extent, HE knows he's not right.
Puppy, you seemed very opposed to the idea that an LBS can know about an affair and NOT have that affect their self-esteem. I am fairly sure my H has an OW and my self-esteem is just fine. Because I know that any R he is having is NOT healthy.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Puppy, you seemed very opposed to the idea that an LBS can know about an affair and NOT have that affect their self-esteem. I am fairly sure my H has an OW and my self-esteem is just fine. Because I know that any R he is having is NOT healthy.
Just posting what my experience and observation has been, Albuquerque. It is a rare bird, indeed, who can stand for more than 6 months or so without it affecting them in some profoundly negative ways.
That being said, you here on this MLC forum are not a representative sample. You are, by definition, some of the most steadfast, patient people I've encountered, and your wonderful support system for each other allows you, I think, stand for much longer periods of time.
I'm not saying it can't be done. I'm saying that average person can't do it for very long. Again, that's been my experience.
Pup I'll say it again look how long you have been at it. That is patience too!
We're talking specifically about patience in the face of infidelity. I exposed my wife's affair IMMEDIATELY, and filed for D after just two months (she ended her affair and we reconciled after three months). I'm afraid I'm hardly the poster child for patience!
The difference is with MLC the MLC'er is so screwed up mentally, they truly believe they are in love, and just like a wayward teen they feel they have to follow their heart.
They have no regard for who they hurt or what the consequences are.
BND,
Probably 90%+ of the affairs that I follow report the same thing. "Fogged out," "alien," "this is NOT the person I married, etc."
I think the only valid distinction here is, is the MLC affair one in a SERIES of addictions, and did it happen after some specific, traumatic life event? Cuz other than that, I just don't see much difference in the presented behaviors.
I think the only valid distinction here is, is the MLC affair one in a SERIES of addictions, and did it happen after some specific, traumatic life event? Cuz other than that, I just don't see much difference in the presented behaviors.
Puppy
I suspect that, once it's begun, one affair is much like another. The difference is that the affair is only one part of a recognizable series of stages that the MLCer goes through, and not the final one. Some MLCers don't include affairs among their addictions. Somewhere in the resources I read that even nuns & priests can have MLCs, even without spouses to react against.
One of the earliest MLC feelings my H later described was a desperate urge to run away. Jim Conroy similarly talks in his book about being overwhelmed by an intense desire to bolt to a desert island. The MLC journey to find inner healing involves a lot more than the affair--however, it's the affair which catches the most attention.
I suspect that, once it's begun, one affair is much like another. The difference is that the affair is only one part of a recognizable series of stages that the MLCer goes through, and not the final one. Some MLCers don't include affairs among their addictions. Somewhere in the resources I read that even nuns & priests can have MLCs, even without spouses to react against.
I agree, my mother went through a very recognizable crisis or mlc after my step-father passed away. Although at the time I wasn't familiar with the label of mlc, I could clearly see what was taking place.
She just could not deal with what had happened. She had most, if not all of the classic signs of a mlc except for a OM. Her OM was a slot machine.
Last I checked you were in separate house 9 months ago.
I "hang around" to help others thru what I went thru. Is that a problem for you Lance? This is now the fourth or fifth rude commend you've made ot me, and I'm not quite sure where the hostility is coming from.
I'd really appreciate it if people would bother to know my sitch before they tried to diagnose my wife.
I'm bowing out, as there's no use in further hijacking BND's thread (my apologies, BND. I tried to keep it respectful). Way to much debate on here and in Infidelity forum, and not enough helping of the newbies who need it.
