You can make distinctions between "exit affairs," and "MLC affairs," and "revenge affairs,"
How are you diferentiating between these affairs? When some one comes on one of the DB boards, how are the mentors decisding which type of affair the LBS is experiencing?
Is there any guidance that you have an a,b,or c affair?
Precisely my point, Lance -- I'm NOT. (differentiating) Cyrena was. They are ALL huge tree limbs, come-a-crashing thru the marital roof, and I was disagreeing with the distinction.
Well it does sound like that is the problem then in a nutshell.
I would say that on the MLC board all affairs are not treated differently. They are all treated as MLC affairs.
I would guess you are telling me that the same would apply for the infidelity board also, no one is thinking that there are different types of affairs.
Well it does sound like that is the problem then in a nutshell.
I would say that on the MLC board all affairs are not treated differently. They are all treated as MLC affairs.
I would guess you are telling me that the same would apply for the infidelity board also, no one is thinking that there are different types of affairs.
I have never read anything like that before.
I am gathering that neither have you.
Sorry, but I'm not following you.
I'm saying that all affairs should be treated as a SYMPTOM and as an IMMEDIATE OBSTACLE to marital reconciliation. Not classified into certain types that supposedly require a more passive approach.
Puppy...I do believe there is a distinction between an MLC affair and a straightforward affair.
MLC affair, in my experience, is a way to boost up the rock bottom confidence and a mechanism for escape in the alien land. We are so numb and disengaged from everything around us. We see the OM/OW as a "friend." Whereas a straightforward, non-MLC affair is done for purely selfish reasons which are the addicting behaviors...the need for more dopamine becomes more "urgent". Which is why I think busting this type of affair usually works.
Mind you, I am not minimizing the effect of an affair (EA or PA) on the LBS in any way at all. However, affair exposure WILL not work for the MLC spouse.
Whereas a straightforward, non-MLC affair is done for purely selfish reasons which are the addicting behaviors...
Oh, I think you'd get a LOT of "beg-to-differ" opinions on that one if you posted it to FWASs, Wonka, lol. That's not ME talking, that's every former wayward I've ever spoken to or posted with. They ALL have "good reasons" (and many ARE legitimate, altho not excusing); none of them see their own situation as "selfish." Some potent mix of marital neglect, resentment, entitlement, possibly some abuse, and a little old fashioned ATTENTION from the opposite sex, and --WHAM-O!! Conflagration.
As I've posted on here before, I think that's part of the issue I have with the whole classification of affairs into "MCL affairs" and "regular" affairs. MLCers like to report how crazy their wayward spouse is acting (and they are), how LITTLE SENSE they are making (and they're not), and how IRRATIONAL and even RECKLESS they are being (and they are) . . . as opposed to . . . what? Explanable affairs? Justifiable ones? Rational ones?
It's like the "not-guilty of murder, by reason of insanity" distinction. I mean, what SANE person decides to KILL another human being???
I think part of the problem is that a person who has not witnessed an MLC happening has no idea what it's like.
Our marriage was progressing along, not perfectly, but with a lot of love and happiness, and then, BAM, a tree fell on the house. But it wasn't an affair, it was the news that my MIL was on life support, now brain dead, and needed all the family there to agree to let her go.
My H flew to the country where she was, she was unplugged, and ... my H changed instantaneously. He was unable to make up his mind to come home until his father reminded him he had a family to get back to. He returned, but not the same loving, playful father. He ignored or yelled at the kids, and complained he'd be too old to enjoy himself when they left home. He started making any excuse to be away on business trips. He'd go to bed early and lay there staring with dead eyes. He refused to talk to me about anything, and if I got upset he'd do passive-aggressive tactics that made me look bad. Soon EVERYTHING made him angry (and nothing was ever his fault). He started drinking more. He declared he'd always wanted sportscars, motorcycles, hip clothes, etc etc.
It was 2 years after his M died that he met the OW, and although she then became the focus of all his attention, she wasn't the real problem to working on the marriage. His MLC depression needed to be addressed before he could even care that he had a marriage.
I truly believe there is a difference between such an MLC affair and the exit affairs, etc, that Puppy listed. But until you've seen someone literally change before your eyes like that, it would be impossible to credit.
In my case my H moved in with ow 2 weeks and 2 days after he re-met at her father's funeral home viewing. He had dated her in high school 40 years ago.
Exposure would have done nothing because it was already out there plain for the world to see. He left us and moved in with her and he didn't care who knew it.
When I found this site I came straight to the MLC section because I had determined during my research that that was what my H was going through. It was the only thing that explained his irrational behavior which was so opposite of who he had always been.
When I had heard the phrase that he was aboard the mothership, it fit perfectly.
That's entirely possible, Cyrena (and I'm very sorry for your pain). Unfortunately, most of the authors and researchers who classify the different types of affairs -- like Lusterman -- don't even really ADDRESS the whole "what to do about it" question.
In my case my H moved in with ow 2 weeks and 2 days after he re-met at her father's funeral home viewing. He had dated her in high school 40 years ago.
Exposure would have done nothing because it was already out there plain for the world to see. He left us and moved in with her and he didn't care who knew it.
When I found this site I came straight to the MLC section because I had determined during my research that that was what my H was going through. It was the only thing that explained his irrational behavior which was so opposite of who he had always been.
When I had heard the phrase that he was aboard the mothership, it fit perfectly.
There's definitely something that happens, physiologically, to people when they become involved with someone else. Just Google "love lust infatuation brain PEA addiction" (or some combination thereof) sometime, and do some reading on PEAs and how incredibly and powerfully ADDICTIVE their high is. The PEA-flushed brain even LOOKS DIFFERENT ON CAT SCANS!
There are chemical/physiological reasons behind all of the "fog" and "alien" and such we all observe and write about on these forums.
