I do not believe that I ever posted to you but have found your posts to other to be quite enlighting. I am happy that you have a new start and I wish you and your family nothing but the best.
Now as far as exsposing the A - IMO, when someone is in a MLC it does not work. That was my experience.
I found out about my W first EA with a man in another state about a week after the bomb. I confronted and I took responsibility for HER actions. It did not change anythng. THe EA went on for another 2 months. That is when she started a new job and began an PA with her supoervisor.
Since this was 2.5 months post bomb (I was still living in the house and sleeping in the same bed) I often wonder if "technically" this is an A. IMO - it is. I kept my mouth shut for a few months (trying to not confront). I ended up confrontng her (and trust me it was not nice) BUT really I was not in an emotional healthy place to do this. THE confrontation did nothing but bring them closer and IMO made her file.
So IMO - someone in an MLC should never be confronted until the LBS is really (and I mean really) in a place of peace and is willng to live with the consequences that may ensue a confrontation.
Finally, if you think about what an MLC person is going thru...confronting them is in one way a form of control, which does not go over well with someone who is fighting an internal battle.
GOd BLess, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I was reading some things over in the infidelity forum.
I know I made numerous mistakes and was a total basketcase when I first came here.
But I also know now in hindsight that exposing my Husband's affair to everyone backfired.
It didn't make him suddenly want to come home and reconcile.
It made him angry and hostile and only justified his reasons for leaving me.
I was hoping if any of you could post here your experiences.
Thanks so much!!
It honestly worked for me, BND, but it certainly doesn't for everyone. Affairs thrive on secrecy (and romance and intrigue), and often when you expose them, it'll IMMEDIATELY kill the affair maybe 25% of the time, in my experience. Others are more deeply entrenched, and it takes longer, and re-exposure, and re-RE-exposure. Others it will NEVER work (no one technique does).
It does pose complications, too. It will make your cheating spouse LIVID in the short-term; some get over that in a day or two, others take longer. Relationships will have to be mended once you reconcile. I personally would definitely do it again (it worked very well), but I probabably wouldn't have exposed to my own family -- just my wife's, our adult children, OM's parents and their employer. But that's just me.
I think we all need to try to be respectful of each other's positions on this (and other) controversial topics, and realize that our own experiences are just that -- our experiences. What works for one doesn't work for all, and -- whenever possible -- we should back up our opinions with research whenever possible. Some of the best infidelity authors, researchers and counselors out there DO recommend this as a tactic (Harley, Glass, Spring, Tupy and others), so it's far from a screwball, fringe position.
I think this is one of those "reasonable people may disagree" things.
Hi Brandnewday, Glad to hear all is well with you!! Good to see you visit!!
Exposure... Well, I did expose my H's A. We are now reconciling. I exposed it when I had proof about it. I got the proof when his A was dying of natural causes and to him seemed ...not important anymore but still couldnt break it up with her. He told me the exposure made the break up easier for him.
I believe it is apsolutely important, crucial, WHEN the LBS exposes the A. If it is during the middle of their fog, the first months or year of the affair, the exposure may even have the opposite result. And I am talking about affairs that have some kind of emotional basis, not just sexual.
I'm fairly new to this exposure thing, and guess what, it's not working......YET! It's driving them closer together. But I went in to this with my eyes wide open. I knew it would drive them closer. However, it's adding an element to their A that they really don't want ME I'm doing everything I do in a very responsible manner. I'm not name calling (believe me I want to) I'm not threatening and everything I do and say, I'm okay if it's "held against me in a court of law" By keeping the situation a secret you are robbing yourself of the support you need. By keeping the situation a secret, you are saying that you will enable this A. I feel very good about the steps I've taken and the advice I've gotten.
The ONLY thing I would have done differently (and this is more NC than exposure) is talked to him when I wasn't shaking. I would have sat down and done it in a little more "professional" manner - however...I can't change that and I couldn't take another second of the A being in my face. I was starting to feel uncontrollable rage and hatred. I was throwing things at him and saying horribly hurtful things to him.
It sucks, all the way around. I hope that this works. I have faith that it will. His most recent letter to our 3rd party stated I drug him through the dirt, that he doesn't see how this was working on the marriage - it was done to beat him down. I VERY respectfully came back with WHY I did it.
He should be the one that feels shame....not me.
Me:38 H: 45 OW:34 S:4 Bonus S: 12 and 16 2nd M for both Together 12 yrs M: 6 EA suspected: 5/10 confirmed: 7/2/10 Separated: 8/12/10
I'd have to agree with Eric, that there's a huge difference between exposing a regular affair and an MLC affair. I did not expose my H's MLC EA, partly because infidelity was so opposed to his behaviour when not depressed that it seemed more respectful in the long term not to throw his dirty laundry in everyone's face.
While he was in his MLC he constantly and nastily criticized my family and friends to me, or avoided them, so not exposing has made it so much easier for a loving relationship between them to be reestablished.
Also, perhaps most importantly, although my children had to put up with spew, absenteeism and neglect for the MLC years, they never had to deal with the knowledge of their father's infidelity. Research indicates that the daughters of MLC men often become OW in adulthood in an unconscious bid to redress the wrongs they were powerless to change as children--no matter how much they hated their father's affair at the time. I'm glad my daughter will never have to know about that part of her father's life, unless later events in her life require me to explain to her about MLCs, and how they can happen to good people.
I'd have to agree with Eric, that there's a huge difference between exposing a regular affair and an MLC affair.
In my opinion, an affair is a SYMPTOM and an IMMEDIATE OBSTACLE. A critical piece of some over-arching life crisis that the wayward/walkaway/MLC spouse is going thru. It is, in my experience, the "tree come crashing thru the roof" (Penny Tupy), and it must be addressed FIRST, after only drug, alcohol or gambling addiction.
1. Address any drug, alcohol or gamlbing addiction. 2. Address the affair
(both of these are "separating the addict from the source of their addiction)
3. Begin to address the overall marital dysfunction, to hopefully heal and improve it and -- eventually -- fully reconcile, unencumbered by the influence of a third party.
I think there are two very distinct "camps" on this. You either see infidelity as an addiction, or you don't. Where you come down on this is going to lead you to two wildly disparate sets of advice. You can make distinctions between "exit affairs," and "MLC affairs," and "revenge affairs," etc., but it's still a great big tree come crashing thru your roof, and it's gotta be dealt with first, in my opinion.
I agree that an affair is an addiction. However, the reason for the addiction is critical--is it because the person is addicted to affairs, or because their marriage is weak, or (in the case of an MLC) because they've become zombies in the wake of a critical event like the death of a loved one, and a new partner is only one of the addictions they've sampled in order to feel alive again? In the last case, addressing the affair will not lead to "beginning to address the overall marital dysfunction" UNTIL the depressed spouse is ready to recognize that s/he is running away from him/herself, and is able to begin dealing with his/her pain.
Also, I did let my H know that I was not willing to share him with someone else--I just didn't expose to the world. And, slowly, he realized he did have to make a choice.
I love houses. Always have. A favorite weekend recreation is to tour the semi annual parade of homes or to check out the newest open models in the upscale developments around the area. During my thirties I was an avid member of the National Trust for Historic Preservation; my fun reading was made up of publications such as "Early American Life" and "Preservation." I've lived in an old house, built at the turn of the last century, and in an historic house of a modern sort – built in the `40's with design elements which were decades ahead of their time. For several years I had a recreational decorating and design business. I helped restore a Victorian, once facing condemnation, to near museum quality standards. I've painted concrete floors to look like marble, designed my kitchen from the walls out, and made strategic suggestions for the structural elements of our current state of remodel. I love houses. And in fact, when I travel to other parts of the country I am far more likely to photograph the residential architecture than I am to record the family on vacation. (Much to the chagrin of my children in later years..)
So, what does this have to do with marriage? Well, I live in the upper Midwest where Mother Nature mesmerizes us with thunderstorms, floods, and tornadoes this time of year. Not long ago I watched a newscast about a house that was damaged when a tree came through the roof of a house in one of our many storms. (The man sleeping just under the spot where the tree entered the house was unharmed but definitely shaken!) It got me thinking about the correlation between marriage and houses.
A marriage is much like a house. When it's new, everything is well kept. It's clean. The roof is good, the plumbing works well, the floors are level and unscathed. But inevitably, over time, things begin to break down. If one owns an older or historic home there are always things which clamor for attention – similar to a marriage that's been neglected or damaged by thoughtless choices, independent living and outright harmful actions. A marriage in trouble is much like a house needing significant repair.
It could be that the plumbing needs to updated, the wiring changed from old glass fuses to code compliant breakers, the walls may be cracked and the floors might need to be shorn up to make them level again. A marriage may have issues and conflicts surrounding in-laws, money, sex, child rearing, hobbies, or even pets. Like a house that needs significant work, those things need to be addressed in small steps, with thoughtful planning and oodles of frustrating starts and stops.
But what happens when a storm sends a tree crashing through the roof? No matter what the state of the home prior to that event, all work needs to stop and energies must be redirected toward emergency repair. The tree needs to be carefully removed, the roof repaired and any other structural damage investigated and repaired before work can resume on the pre-existing conditions.
This is exactly the same dynamic that occurs in marriage when there is infidelity. The marriage may need serious repair work in and of itself. But once an affair sends a tree crashing through the sheltering structure of the relationship all efforts directed at the underlying problems take a back seat to the emergency measures brought about by the affair itself. There's no point in attempting to fix the cracked walls and outdated electricity in the marriage when there is a tree protruding into the bedroom and the inner structure is exposed to the elements.
The affair partner must be completely and permanently removed from the relationship in the same way the tree must be removed from the roof. It's a horribly difficult and painful process. Often the affair partner has been a long time friend of one or both spouses. The loss of the friendship and the betrayal that is felt is heart wrenching, no matter what leg of the triangle one is on. But a friendship that has intruded into the intimate structure of a marriage can no longer be considered a friendship. Boundaries have been breached, and there is no way to return to a state of innocence. None of the needed repair work to the marriage can begin until this step is complete. Intermittently ending and resuming contact with an affair partner creates the same kind of damage as picking the tree up off the roof and dropping it back on again – it creates larger holes and more damage.
Once the affair partner is no longer in the picture, the hard work of repair can begin. First and foremost the gaping holes left by the affair must be mended. Depending on the length of the affair and how far into the emotional bonding of the marriage the affair partner was allowed to intrude, repair work could be replacement of the entire roof or simply a minimal patch job. The longer the affair, with the marriage being exposed to the damage of wind and rain, the more repair will be needed. The holes left by infidelity are things such as damaged trust, resentment, the inevitable withdrawal felt by the straying spouse when the affair ends, and stress on the underlying structure of the marriage.
Marriages rarely end in divorce due to the affair itself. But failure to repair the damage from the affair will almost without fail lead to complete destruction of the marriage. Marriages end because there the gaping holes remaining which continue to expose the relationship to more harm. Some couples can do the repair work themselves. These are the calmly methodical sorts who can read about the necessary measures and implement them in without becoming bogged down in the emotional tug of war recovery always entails. For most couples, as with homeowners, hiring a professional is indispensable in making sure the repairs are done well and in a timely manner.
As the holes are patched, the shingles replaced, and the structure found to be intact attention can once again be turned to the problems which existed before the tree made its untimely entrance into the lives of the homeowners. Those issues and conflicts may have become larger or more serious because of the damaged caused either directly or indirectly by the crisis of the storm – that's the nature of destructive events; they have far reaching consequences. Time, patience, persistence, and good professional help can make all the difference in repairing a storm damaged home or healing a marriage torn apart by an affair.
I agree that an affair is an addiction. However, the reason for the addiction is critical--is it because the person is addicted to affairs, or because their marriage is weak, or (in the case of an MLC) because they've become zombies in the wake of a critical event like the death of a loved one, and a new partner is only one of the addictions they've sampled in order to feel alive again? In the last case, addressing the affair will not lead to "beginning to address the overall marital dysfunction" UNTIL the depressed spouse is ready to recognize that s/he is running away from him/herself, and is able to begin dealing with his/her pain.
If that's the timeline (multiple addictive behaviors, infidelity is only one of them, and some "life crisis" came first), then I agree. It's also true sometimes, however, that thru "re-writing of marital history," a cheating spouse will pre-date their affair and claim that "Oh, I've been unhappy for a long time now," or "I emotionally divorced you a long time ago, so it's not really cheating," etc.
That's an excellent analogy, and well written. However, the same sort of thing could be said about the MLCer. Because of damage done to him as a child/teen, his own house is built under a tree with an inadequate root system. It is inevitable that some storm is going to send that tree crashing down on his house, however fine his house may look. The crash is inevitable; it's only a matter of the perfect storm coming along to cause it. And in the end it will be worthwhile for him to rebuild his personal house, because he will do so in conditions which will allow it to thrive, and truly allow it to be the fine house it only looked like before. This time it will be built properly, with no damaged tree looming over it.
However you wish to express it, the MLCer has a time bomb in him that must explode at some point. And it's only after having dealt with his personal crisis that he will be able to start healing his marriage.
I'm doing everything I do in a very responsible manner. I'm not name calling (believe me I want to) I'm not threatening and everything I do and say, I'm okay if it's "held against me in a court of law" By keeping the situation a secret you are robbing yourself of the support you need. By keeping the situation a secret, you are saying that you will enable this A. I feel very good about the steps I've taken and the advice I've gotten.