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#2116653 - 12/29/10 12:55 AM Re: Trying Again [Re: Frustrated2]
Young at Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 11/20/09
Posts: 568
Loc: Washington, the State
Originally Posted By: Frustrated2
....It seems like I've forced myself to go along and try to accommodate him for so long that it is not surprising I feel resentment towards him and my own feelings are dead.

....I realize too that I am not happy with many aspects of our relationship which contributes to my lack of desire for him,....

......I'm having trouble liking him and I'm having trouble focusing on the positives in my relationship and I don't even feel like trying...in addition to having a very difficult time trying to figure out how to want sex when I am not feeling any sort of desire.


Your words could have been written by my wife about a year and a half ago (maybe even just a year ago).

I would suggest conseling with a sex therapist for both you and your husband together. I would suggest that you work on GAL and tranforming or changing yourself so you do things that make you happy. Happiness is contageous.

One thing that I kept repeating to myself was that "I can only change myself." Please start taking responsibility for your happiness. You should warn your husband of this change when it happens. Show him through actions that you can find happiness. You want him to understand (not by threats from you, but from seeing you change yourself) that he could loose you if he chooses not to change himself. He needs to understand that the new you is focused around happiness and he needs to contribute to your happiness if he is to remain part of your life.

Have you looked into the basis of your resentment and disappointment in your relationship? I mean looked deeply into your feelings. One of the things that was said in a marriage workshop I attended was that until I can explain my spouse's reasons for not doing something better than she can, I am not ready to attempt to negotiate a compromise with her on that topic.

It took me a long time to figure out how much I had hurt my wife. It also took her a long time to figure out how much she had hurt me. When she did figure that out, it really hit her hard as she knew exactly the kind of pain and anger I must have felt.

Good luck. Set some New Year's resolutions for yourself on gaining happiness and them make them happen.
_________________________
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.

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#2116654 - 12/29/10 01:08 AM Re: Trying Again [Re: Young at Heart]
Young at Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 11/20/09
Posts: 568
Loc: Washington, the State
I thought that I would add a post script as I was reading another thread on this website and thought that it might also provide some thoughts, as much of it was what I was thinking.

MWD interview on what makes a Happy Marriage
_________________________
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.

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#2118042 - 01/04/11 07:53 PM Re: Trying Again [Re: Young at Heart]
Frustrated2 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/19/10
Posts: 50
A sex therapist would be a great help to me - I know I need help in maintaining and following through on efforts to change, to push me to work through the issues I am not comfortable with and generally provide neutral guidance. Unfortunately there is not a sex therapist where I live or even one nearby. Seeing one would require $300 airfare or a day and a half travel by car. Maybe some day we can attend a weekend intensive (but I'm doubtful that he would be agreeable to it even if we can come up with the time and money).

As I mentioned before, we were making progress for a couple of weeks and then I found that although I was working at it, the focus became about moving forward for him, getting to the point where we he could actually having sex but I found that I was again going thru the motions for him and that I wasn't feeling the excitement and desire that I wanted. His response was that I would just have to deal with it. I basically shut down, I don't know what to do. He was trying to be patient, but was not really supportive or understanding. I don't know how to communicate to him what I need. I don't want to have a sexless life with him, but I can't stand the pressure to perform any longer, I can't stand him touching me and I can't stand that his response is "you'll just have to get over it". I told him so and he responded that he had been trying to be patient and trying to help me but it didn't seem to make a difference so he was going to accept that I don't want to have sex with him but that I should take care of him when the need gets to the point where he has to have it. I told him that it would certainly become even fewer and farther in between because I have come to hate him and myself for having that kind of a relationship.

He is self employed and works out of town quite a bit. He often tells me that he hopes I will work out my problems while he is gone. I try to explain that my problem is with how the two of us interact. I don't have a problem with the idea of sex in general, I don't have trouble acheiving an O, but I do have a problem with him - with his expectations of me in regard to sex, with the way he treats me as if I am a toy or a tool for him rather than a person whose private space and body should be respected. How do I work on that on my own? I know I need to work on things, but I feel like he needs to help me.

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#2118111 - 01/05/11 02:32 AM Re: Trying Again [Re: Frustrated2]
SillyOldBear Offline
Member

Registered: 06/13/08
Posts: 538
Loc: Midwest
Quote:
I told him so and he responded that he had been trying to be patient and trying to help me but it didn't seem to make a difference so he was going to accept that I don't want to have sex with him but that I should take care of him when the need gets to the point where he has to have it.


There is the possibility--not certain at this point,though--that you will have to face a choice between accepting this as his best offer or walking away. Would you accept this kind of marriage? You would have to decide.

I wouldn't be willing to live with that, but it took me a long time to work up to the point where I was willing to sit my wife down and tell her that. It's scary, but liberating.
_________________________
Recovering Sex-Starved Husband.

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#2123354 - 01/25/11 06:40 PM Re: Trying Again [Re: SillyOldBear]
Frustrated2 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/19/10
Posts: 50
H has been out of town for a couple of weeks for work. I am starting to feel like myself again after being so absorbed by unhappiness and the stress of not getting along. Before H left he asked me to work on myself while he is gone. I got the impression that he was really asking me to work on being ok with sex. I responded that I honestly feel that I am ok with myself (although there is definitely room for improvement), but I am really not ok with him - the way he treats me, the way he touches me and his attitudes about sex. The same old standoff, he is waiting for me to "come around" and I insist that he needs to change too...and he believes that he has tried to change, but it is not in a way that has brought the desired changes in the relationship, etc. etc. While I didn't say it to him, I actually am willing and engaging in an effort to change. Unfortunately changing oneself usually has to be on one's own terms rather than on the way the partner thinks it should be done. I am reading Passionate Marriage and I am anxious to read it all to see the insights it offers because I am hopeful, but so far it is a slow read for me, hard to digest. I also find myself feeling nervous because the book talks about really opening myself up to my partner, but I am no longer comfortable being vulnerable around him (he is aggressive, I am timid; he is demanding, I resentfully give in; he is unappreciative because he beleives "that's the way it should be", etc.). Hopefully the book will also help with that as I progress through the chapters. In the meantime, I would also like to talk with H about the need for both of us to change but don't know how to approach it in a way that leads to productive discussion rather than the same old arguments.

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#2123381 - 01/25/11 07:52 PM Re: Trying Again [Re: Frustrated2]
Young at Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 11/20/09
Posts: 568
Loc: Washington, the State
I also feel conflicted by PM as does my wife. There are lots of great insights that Schnarch has.

I believe that if my wife and I had the courage to do some of the things he suggests we would be much closer and happier. It is just that some of them really stretch the limits on what one can handle.

If you and you H do any of the exercises suggested in PM, like hugging till calm, etc. and find them particularly helpful, I (and I am sure others) would like to know the ones you found most helpful or that turned out to be disasters.

Good luck!
_________________________
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.

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#2130840 - 02/15/11 06:33 PM Re: Trying Again [Re: Young at Heart]
Frustrated2 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/19/10
Posts: 50
Passionate Marriage is proving to be a slow read. I am still working at it though. I also finally got the 5 Love Languages and am finding that much easier to get through. Both books definitely provide food for thought.

Husband has been out of town for a month but expected home soon. I was hoping that I could be in a new frame of mind by the time he returns, but am disappointed to find that I don't think I'll be there. I am worried because part of me is dreading his return. I don't want to fall into old patterns and I don't know how to balance the idea of being loving, forgiving and open, a chance for a new start, with my deep feelings of defensiveness and distrust. And when I say distrust I am not worried about a relationship with another woman, I am worried that he will not treat me with respect and caring for who I am. I know that he would like to come home to open arms and a loving wife, but I'm afraid that I'm not feeling it.

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#2131383 - 02/16/11 05:18 PM Re: Trying Again [Re: Frustrated2]
Young at Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 11/20/09
Posts: 568
Loc: Washington, the State
A couple of things that may help.

First as to PM, Schnarch has an audio book on the PM, that you can listen to commuting to and from work that makes it easier to get through it once, so that then digging into the book becomes easier. If you are struggling accept that the audio book might help. I listened to the audio book several times before I had the motivation to dig into the real book deeply. It is a really tough read.

Second, as to 5 Languages, the following websites might help the first is a 2 part interview with the Chapman on a popular radio show.

First of two interviews with Chapman

second interview with Chapman outlining his method

From personal experience, and it was very hard and difficult to do, I had to change the dynamic in my relationship with my wife, prior to her wanting to invest any time in her changing the way she treated me.

Let me say that again. I had to provide my wife with multiple acts each day of unconditional love in her languages of love, making her feel loved for months, prior to her being willing to change any of her behaviors.

I really think that MWD and her approach is very valuable. One of the things that she says repeatedly is that one partner can be the catalyst for changing and saving a marriage. MWD tells wives in SSM's to "just do it." She understands what it took me a long time to really understand and that is that one person can change themself and that change can create changed marital behavior, which can if focused save a marriage. It doesn't always happen, but it can and does happen frequently enough that people need to understand this important fact rather than just giving up on a marriage. I also want to say from what I have read that it is not universally successful.

Good luck to you. Give yourself a special gift. Try to forgive your husband when he returns long enough to show him love and make him feel loved. I would bet that he also has hopes of a romantic return to your arms as well.

I hope your reunion is everything that you want it to be.
_________________________
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.

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#2136586 - 03/02/11 04:37 PM Re: Trying Again [Re: Frustrated2]
KarenR Offline
Member

Registered: 04/12/06
Posts: 477
Did you know that some of our DB coach's are experts in intimacy issues? There is an appt. available today with a DB coach that can give you very specific advice on how to 'get in that different frame of mind'using DB techniques that Michele writes and lectures about concerning, Sex Starved Wives and Sex Starved Marriages. I would look forward to talking to you.
_________________________
Karen, Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
karen@divorcebusting.com

Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.

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#2154488 - 05/15/11 08:05 PM Re: Trying Again [Re: KarenR]
Frustrated2 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/19/10
Posts: 50
I'm feeling like a failure. Husband was gone for 4 months and when he returned home I had no desire to be intimate with him in any way. How horrible is that??? I don't want to end my marriage but I am in a place where I have no sexual desire for him and I don't know how to find it.

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