Ominus Bonus

[steady]

Since I don't have much to write, I think I'll just drop a post here from another thread.

Originally posted by Steady:

SO, I guess I'm back to asking myself this morning about the specifics. What are some practical ways that I can up the game in the 180s/GAL department? What are some ways that H would take notice and maybe bring back the attraction?

This is the problem - what if the person you want to be is not the kind of person he wants to be with? I proposed this question on another thread before. Do you stop improving yourself in order to keep your M together?

When people improve and grow, some people in their lives are naturally 'shed' like an old skin. When I quit drinking at 24, most of my friends slowly drifted away. We didn't have same things in common. I became a mirror of what they weren't doing for themselves.

Some guys really don't want an independent woman. They want a dysfunctional co-dependent which keeps them in their 'identity' and role. This is on a subconscious level. Who would answer yes, I want a co-dependent spouse? But there is cognitive dissonance that happens between what they say they want and what they really are attracted to.

When you are doing the things YOU want to do, when you are pursuing and doing the things which make you happy; when you are building the life which makes you feel good and content, then you will be attractive. But, and here's the caveat, you will be attractive to a partner who wants a confident, happy, independent woman. Is that man your H? I have no idea.

I know in my past I've always been attracted to 'broken' women. It's easy for me to look back and see my pattern. I am attracted to them and they trigger my issue - and her issues and mine usually are akin to throwing gasoline on a fire.

As I get healthier I find my attraction to that type of woman waning. I've met women who I normally would have been attracted to in the past and feel no attraction. This is a strong indicator to me that I'm heading in the right direction.

I think a majority of any desire I have to be with my W stems from a few things I can see. I'm sure there are others.

- Comfort; I was with her for over 10 years so it's a known.
- Keeping my M and family together as it being the principal rather than the functionality
- My desire to not want her to be with someone else
- To keep my children from having to experience the turmoil and fallout caused by a divorce
- To not have to 'start all over again'
- Financial security. We had just arrived at a combined income which would have afforded us a better lifestyle than we had known in the past
- Family; there is all kinds of collateral damage ocurring to both our extended families; be are both alienated from the others' family
- The damn house. We have a nice house in a great neighborhood
- Switching around everything we had worked towards.
- <others>

Now when I look at my list, the thing that's missing is this - an overwhelming attraction and desire to be with HER. It's been worn out to the point where it is nothing but a small ember sitting in the corner of a room somewhere inside me.

I don't believe in 'falling out of love'. I'm leaning more toward the misconception of attraction being the 'in love' experience. It's not love which is missing, it's attraction.

I especially love what Allen wrote above:

Romantic love really is nothing more than a mathematical equation. Spend enough time with someone meeting intimate needs of conversation, affection, admiration, and play time - and you will fall in love with that person. Assuming of course that they are not doing things you find offensive or objectionable at the same time.
- Penny Tupy

Once mentioned this to my W, how love is created and not 'just magically there' and she basically mocked me. I asked her, when we first met were we in love? No. It was built.

[steady]

I had court this morning at 9:30. I was sitting there with my L and didn't see my W or her L. I asked my L if he had seen them. He told me he didn't. After about an hour or so (we were #22 on the docket - last case) he got up and called her L. He showed up about 15 min later. Apparently he had forgotten about the court appointment.

We got in front of the judge and the judge said, "Isn't this the first show?" My L said yes. Then the judge said, "It looks like we're missing someone." Her L proceeded to tell the judge some story about his assistant being out and her forgetting to call my W to tell her about the hearing. It was just a Preliminary Conference - basically a formality for setting up dates when things have to happen, any motions, etc...

It didn't take long at all. My L told the judge about the custody rotation we're doing and asked if he could make an order for the arrangement to stay the way it is right now. My W's L said my W isn't in agreement with the arrangement so the judge set a date for next Tue for us all to come back. But the judge did say the current arrangement is to continue until then.

Now I have to do some legwork to put together some counters to arguments I think she may try to present for not continuing the current custody arrangement. Always something to do.

After the court stuff I picked up my kids at my brother's house and took them home. My SIL watched them for me while I was at court because I had them until 4:00 today.

At 3:30 my W showed up at the house to swap. When she came in I asked her how her trip went. She looked at me with these deer in the headlights look and said, "I had a good weekend if that's what you're asking." I said, "I figured you went on a trip because you said you needed the GPS last week."

I should have kept my mouth shut. But it just came out. Still learning.

But tonight I took a break from it all. Usually I would have gone into work after she took the kids but I decided to go to my brother's (that's where I stay when she has the kids) and just relax.

I went to the Super Market to pick up some groceries we needed at the house. I sent a text to my W to let her know I was picking up some things and I'd drop them off on the porch of our house. I asked her if she needed anything.

She sent a text back asking if I could get seltzer for her. I told her no problem. I got the stuff and dropped it off at the house. Sent her a text - "Porch. Seltzers by the garage door." A little while later she sent me a thank you text.

I went to my brother's house and relaxed. I watched a really good movie - "An Unfinished Life" with Robert Redford, Morgan Freeman, Jennifer Lopez and the cutest little girl. (Not as cute as my daughter )

I thought it was an excellent movie.

I'll leave you with this:

At the very end of the movie Morgan Freeman was talking about a dream he had where he was flying. He said, "I got so high I could see where the blue turns to black. From up there you could see all there is. And it looked like...there was a reason for everything.

[steady]

One other thing. My S called me this evening looking for his DSi. I went out and checked my car while he was on the phone. After a little while he told me my W had just found it in the house.

When he was getting off I told him I loved him and I'd see him tomorrow. He said, "Dad, I want to spend the weekend with you and the rest of the week." Then I heard my daughter get on really quick and say the same thing. Then I could hear my S telling me it was his sister who just said that one. I laughed and we got off the phone.

[CD Bear]

Hey Steady.

Sorry to hear about the court BS.

But I'm sure it was heartwarming to hear such great things from your kids.

That reminds me to go see my D2 tomorrow.

I suddenlt need "a fix"

[steady]

Carpe Diem

‘Ask not - we cannot know - what end the gods have set for you, for me; nor attempt the Babylonian reckonings Leuconoë. How much better to endure whatever comes, whether Jupiter grants us additional winters or whether this is our last, which now wears out the Tuscan Sea upon the barrier of the cliffs!

Be wise, strain the wine; and since life is brief, prune back far-reaching hopes! Even while we speak, envious time has passed: pluck the day, putting as little trust as possible in tomorrow!.’
— Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 68BC — Ode I-XI, Carpe Diem.

[Truegritter]

Steady that is f@cking awesome!

[steady]

Well it's been a few weeks, so on queue, my W decided to stir up more drama.

I got a text at 3:03 this afternoon - she wrote, "I'm going to be staying in the house tonight." I sent a text back (3:06) - "Why is that?" After about 20 min I sent a follow up at 3:15- "I would like an answer please."

At 3:18 she sent an answer. "I will be staying @ the house every day with the exception of every other weekend."

At 3:21 I sent - "Actually you can't do that. The judge said we are to continue w the current schedule."

So I got home and walked in. She was there with the kids. We said hello then I asked her if she got the text. She said yeah. I said we were told on Monday to keep everything the same. She said she had a call in to her lawyer and hadn't heard back from him. I told her I didn't want her there. She said, "I don't want you here either." (in a not so nice tone)

I was keeping myself together. I said the judge told us on Monday we were to keep the schedule the same. She said she spoke to her lawyer and he told her what was said on Monday. She said she had every right to do what she's doing. Well, according to the paralegals.

Ok I started typing this post about an hour ago. Had about an hour conversation with my W where some things were put out there. It was actually pretty good. I'm too tired to update the rest of the evening and the conversation, but I'll update when I have some time.

[dsh4320]

curious minds want to know

[CD Bear]

Not to joke with the situation but Steady is playing a quick game of "How to Keep Idiots in Supsense"

And he's winning!

[steady]

I have to keep this brief right now because I am really drained and tired - and basically sick of having to deal with this stuff and have it be a constant drag on my life and my being.

My W moved back into the house on Tue. It threw the whole family out of balance and the kids were confused as ever. When I got home my D told me, "Daddy, the four of us are going to be in the house now. Mom said she wasn't going to leave us anymore and she's always going to be with us now."

I immediately knew my W had said something she wouldn't be able to follow through on. I told my W I didn't want her there and she retorted, "Well, I don't want you here either!" (in a not so pleasant tone) I said wait a minute. I'm not being a d!ck here. I think this is totally unhealthy for the kids and it throws everything out of whack. The judge told us on Monday we were to keep the custody schedule the same as it's been. Our kids are going to be completely thrown off by this."

She said, "Well I have every right to do what I'm doing. According to the paralegals. I talked to my L and he told me what went on in court on Mon. I have a call into my L now and haven't heard back from him."

Then she proceeded to say, "They've been begging me to do this - to be with them all the time." I said, "Well they say the same stuff to me. Our D has been asking now for a few weeks why the four of us can't be together. Of course there's going to be confusion and things said by them. This situation is going to have an affect on them."

So the rest of the evening was full of tension. It threw everything out of balance.

We ended up talking for about an hour after the kids went to bed and that went good. Some things were aired out and I was brutally honest about what I though and felt about some of the things we talked about. I'll give more detail about it later on.

She managed to take even that and turned it into something ugly and tried to make me look a fool with an email she sent me the next day. Details will follow when I'm actually in the mood to write it down.

Long story short - she came back home last night around 6pm and took my D to her mom's house. My S stayed with me like we have been doing every Wed. Of course the kids were upset because now it all got changed up again and was in direct opposition to what she was telling them the day before.

Apparently she met with her L and he told her she had to keep to the schedule.

The worst part of it - I heard my W upstairs telling my S, "Well my friend (referring to her L) made a mistake. He felt really bad about it. He said something he shouldn't have said. They asked a question and he said no, then it was asked again and he said yes and he shouldn't have."

I went upstairs and said, "What are you saying to our kids?" She said, "I'm just explaining to them what happened. I have to explain this to them."

I said, "I'm talking about explaining something to them right now. You are talking to them about something they shouldn't even be hearing or be involved in."

Keep in mind, a few weeks ago when I was putting my D to bed she said to me, "Daddy, mom said she's working on having us with her and then visiting you like we visit grandma - you know, a few times a week."

So my W has been telling them her and her friend (L) have been working on getting them more time with her. I am beside myself that she would even say anything like this to our kids. When they say stuff like that to me - where they say they want to spend a lot of time with me and not their mom I always encourage them to change their thinking. I'll remind them when they're with her they feel that way about her, and when they're with me they feel that way about me. I tell them mom loves them and loves being with them and both of us should share and have time with them.

She's busy telling them they'll spend more time with her and I'm busy telling them it's fair for them to be with both of us.

Anyway, I'm drained, tired, worn out.

The saddest part for me, besides the kids going through this, is even after all of this; even after her dumping all over me for the past 3 years; even after the two attempts at getting a restraining order; after calling the police over an argument; after her repeated attempts to control the kids and take them away from me; after the lies, fabrications, manipulations, etc...

after all of that....

I still felt bad for my W having to go through what she went through yesterday.