My God, if Goodbye My Lover (Blunt) played while I was anywhere with my W in our current sitch, fuhgettaboutit. How did you hold it together, man?
My guess is W will say "no, not ready for that yet." but I don't think the asking will set things back much if I avoid being all melty man when asking her and act like the turn down isn't that big a deal.
Incidentally, I keep trying to read between the lines and can't figure out if the below stuff W has said is standard WAS script or if it due to the fact that I had the EA's on her and she is still hurt/walled off from them and hoping to heal or what (or if I should just stop trying to figure it out??):
Be patient with me, don't pressure me (this was earlier on when I was trying to push R, have since stopped) I'm not ready for that YET Be patient with me, I need a little more time I just want to be friends RIGHT NOW I can only be friends with you RIGHT NOW
Is that standard script?
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Ask exactly as I posted the request, don't be afraid of the rejection, in fact.... expect it, expect it 100%, that way when it happens, you just look at her and smile because she is so predictable.
If she actually agrees (I don't think she will) but if she does, don't jump at it like a love starved pet, just enjoy it the way she enjoyed your massage but again like I said, expect her to reject the idea but don't get mad at the rejection, smile, giggle, but don't get mad.
The lesson being, the one being rejected is usually the person in the relationship doing the pursuing - if you get rejected, guess which one you are ;-)
No more supplicating, wussy type behavior. Pull back a bit, stop being so attentive, stop being there always, give her the gift of missing you a bit and one last thing:
you making comments about her baking and not wanting to eat her home baked desserts all the time was not why she wanted out of the relationship, it's not even close to being the reason regardless of what she tells you.
I believe she wanted/wants out cause I had 2 EA's on her and totally ignored her and her needs for 3 years cause I got hooked on a computer game. As I see it, the baking stuff was a very small, but symbolic aspect of that (me being selfish, self-absorbed and not attentive/responsive/tuned into her and what SHE wanted). I don't see it as being about the baking, but what my reaction to the baking and desserts symbolized to her.
I mean I REALLY ignored her and what she wanted and then had EA's on her to boot and after the EA's were discovered CONTINUED to ignore her and her needs/wants, while self-indulgently catering to my own. She would scream at me to stop playing the game and come to bed, and I would tell her she couldn't control me or ignore her altogether. Full-on rejection of her by addiction.
I was ambiguous in my above msg -- the rejection I ponder is for an annniversary dinner/date request. The back (or a$$) rub I take as a foregone conclusion she will balk at. I will request it as you suggested anyway to confirm.
I'm not sure whether NC will lead to her missing me in a good way because of the past history of neglect and EA's on my part (she may perceive me as busy in another affair or gaming) and based on her reaction on Monday when she couldn't reach me after 5-6 calls and I also hadn't contacted her at all on Sunday (when she finally got through to me, she called me in a rage screaming you don't give a f*ck about me and hung up on me). That doesn't seem like the right direction in terms of "what works"???
The time she MOST warmed up to me recently was during the 2 weeks that I was over at her place sleeping under the same roof taking care of her post-surgery. That's when all the hugging started again (after the first week of being there). Now I'm back at the house and the hugging has stopped. Thoughts?
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
My God, if Goodbye My Lover (Blunt) played while I was anywhere with my W in our current sitch, fuhgettaboutit. How did you hold it together, man?
My guess is W will say "no, not ready for that yet." but I don't think the asking will set things back much if I avoid being all melty man when asking her and act like the turn down isn't that big a deal.
NEVER go all "melty man" with a spouse who's still wayward. That's for us sensitive guys to do in the bathroom at 2 in the morning, with the exhaust fan on, and your head buried in a big fluffy bath towel.
Remember, short-term "warming up" doesn't necessarily equate to the best long-term chances for warming up.
There are LOTS of melty-man, supplicating type moves that can get you short-term "warming up." None of them are conducive to building the kind of longer-term respect and attraction you're seeking.
The time she MOST warmed up to me recently was during the 2 weeks that I was over at her place sleeping under the same roof taking care of her post-surgery. That's when all the hugging started again (after the first week of being there). Now I'm back at the house and the hugging has stopped. Thoughts?
My thoughts on this are that you went overboard. She hugged and you embraced that hug, the extra massages and the flowers were you going above her level of 'warming up'. It came on too strong perhaps. Embrace it when she wants to give you a hug, just don't try to take it up a notch.
Me 32 H 32 Ds 3.5 and 1.5 M 5 years, T 14 years EA/Bomb: 7/1/10 PA revealed: 9/14/10 Legally separated: 10/01/10
The time she MOST warmed up to me recently was during the 2 weeks that I was over at her place sleeping under the same roof taking care of her post-surgery. That's when all the hugging started again (after the first week of being there). Now I'm back at the house and the hugging has stopped. Thoughts?
My thoughts on this are that you went overboard. She hugged and you embraced that hug, the extra massages and the flowers were you going above her level of 'warming up'. It came on too strong perhaps. Embrace it when she wants to give you a hug, just don't try to take it up a notch.
Agree with this. ^
"Escalation" is dangerous in geopolitics, and it's dangerous in DBing. Best to mirror your adversary, and leave 'em wanting more.
My God, if Goodbye My Lover (Blunt) played while I was anywhere with my W in our current sitch, fuhgettaboutit. How did you hold it together, man?
My guess is W will say "no, not ready for that yet." but I don't think the asking will set things back much if I avoid being all melty man when asking her and act like the turn down isn't that big a deal.
NEVER go all "melty man" with a spouse who's still wayward. That's for us sensitive guys to do in the bathroom at 2 in the morning, with the exhaust fan on, and your head buried in a big fluffy bath towel.
I believe she wanted/wants out cause I had 2 EA's on her and totally ignored her and her needs for 3 years cause I got hooked on a computer game. As I see it, the baking stuff was a very small, but symbolic aspect of that (me being selfish, self-absorbed and not attentive/responsive/tuned into her and what SHE wanted). I don't see it as being about the baking, but what my reaction to the baking and desserts symbolized to her.
The Betty Crocker Theory. Let's have some cake? As red roses signify love and passion and white roses, loyalty, purity, and a love stronger than death, The Art of Baking symbolizes something much greater for your relationship. Mixing ingredients of desperation and spreading false hope while indulging your spouse indicates you are out of touch with reality.
Who can resist a piece of Chocolate Cake with sprinkled Selfish Behavior and Co-Dependence? Is it not the most sweetest, indulgent treat someone could offer? "Me, Me, Me, I want you to want me. I want you to want me or I am depressed." It is a sacrifice to lose one's self worth and dignity in an attempt to control and manipulate another for one's own selfish desires. It is indulgent yet it is not festive or mysterious.
As we criticize those who want to have their cake and eat it too, we need to consider the intentions of the 'Betty Crocker Wannabe.' To bake and serve the side dish is to be the side dish. Consider before you a 24oz Prime Rib. It is the main dish which should be the challenge to complete. Bread, and pastries and brownies are but a side dish and a desert to relish afterwards. Notice the words 'challenge' and 'complete.' Since the beginning of time it has been "Survival of the fittest." It drives our need to succeed. Be it capturing a wholly mammoth, or harvesting a field of corn or procuring a healthy, successful mate. We succeed or we perish. There is no drive to be second best. Neither is there a second choice when you are a tree. You take in the sun, and respirate and reach for the sky. Likewise, you should not settle for second option in a relationship. You need to continually challenge your mate instead of buttering them up with pastries.
Settling for second option in a relationship poses some questions. 'What are they cooking up?' Can they know themselves if they cannot understand me? Can they truly love them self if they do not know how to love me?
There is a reason Tyson did as many sit-ups as he did. He could stomach anything thrown his way. He had no time for cupcakes.
