I tried, I changed, but still am getting divorced!

[Piano]

Hey, welcome back from the beach! I also know that feeling about the crowd wishing WH was there. My WH was the life of the party. Life (and dinners) are really quiet without him! Also miss having someone to lift heavy bags, drive the car when I am tired - you know, general husband stuff!!
Good that he showed so much interest in your beach trip. He's missing out on the fun!
I did a lot of pilates the last few years..need to get back to it as I am gaining weight..1.5 kgs in the last two weeks.

[awest1217]

NM - I am glad you had a good time!

I think this is the hardest part about getting a D, but still getting along with your stbxh. He is being nice, and you get along so why D? I am at that place too. H text me out of the blue yesterday to ask if I had a fall/spring jacket because he found one he wanted to buy me. I don't know. It is just so weird because I don't want to be friends. I will be nice, but he is the one who has chosen to not work on us.

It is just weird how stbxh wants to talk and wants to do stuff for you, but in the end, you are still getting a D.

[newmama]

CW-I am very lucky that S is mellow snd my friends are so awesome! I really think my stbxh was affected by moving the stuff or something. I wish people were more upfront.

It is just weird how stbxh wants to talk and wants to do stuff for you, but in the end, you are still getting a D.

Yes. WEIRD. And out of my control!

Piano--don't worry, you will lose the weight. It's winter down there, right? So you might be nesting or stress eating or something. And stbxh wasn't the life of the party but he added to it at least.


G--glad you approved of my silly parlor trick,lol! It amused ME at least!

[ImprovedRomeo]

Did he see the teeny piece of condom wrapper I left on the floor in the bedroom?

NM, in my humble opinion I wouldn't recommend this. Just GAL for you!

[newmama]

IR- now you tell me your advice- AFTER I did it? j/k I know, I know...

Well am moving stuff into my classroom today. I am in a very emotional mood right now--about stbxh! I was last night, too! I thought I woke up feeling better but I just keep crying about him. Seriously--having him move more of his things AFTER THIS LONG still evokes sadness?


I never heard back from zoobrew... so I decided to send one more text that is direct, something like "Do you want to get together sometime this week?" with some joky stuff in there.

I sent that around 40 minutes ago. The thing is, he really truly has replied to every text I sent him (in the past). The longest time between getting a reply was a couple of hours I think.

So I wonder if he can't access his phone or something? He is in the mountains...maybe it fell off of a ski lift? lol! I don't know. I think he is still interested since he initiated a text to me last Friday.

I do expect a reply, since that has been 100% consistent based on his past behavior (which predicts future behavior).

Well, he was able to figure out a way to get my email before he knew my number, so I guess I won't worry about it too much.

[CityGirl]

It's understandable you are emotional but maybe it's not all because your H moved a few items out.

You went away on a weekend that has been a tradition for you and your H. You are about to make a huge life change by going back to work after staying home for a year. Both events are substantial things that can make your mind take pause.

I know you wanted a fling with zoobrew but IMO wondering why he hasn't texted you back and saying you "expect" a reply based on past behaviors is not "fling thinking". I just say this because you seem very vulnerable today.

You are in a very difficult position because your son is so little. I know it's not feasible to REALLY go dark on your H but in many ways it does prolong your pain. For example, you have been saying for some time (based on what your H said) that your yard would be fixed up and so far that has not been done. I would send your H a very business like message and tell him that you will need a firm timeline on when he plans to address his responsibilities at the house (yard). Your divorce will be final soon and things of that nature need to be wrapped up. Ask him for copies of all the estimates - depending on how your divorce decree is structured monies invested in the house will matter when it comes time to divide assets.

I would perhaps suggest you begin to take a far more business like approach with your H.

Do you really feel sad/emotional over the furniture or what it represents? You have a few major changes coming up (ex: going back to work, son going to daycare) so perhaps that is all tied in.

This is an odd phase indeed. Every move you make now is one that distances you from your H and the marriage you once had. Every move he makes distances HIM from you and the marriage you once had. I almost wonder if one or two weeks of getting LOTS of stuff done (him removing everything from the home, completing household projects) would be easier and not the slow torture the two of you sort have going on now. You are very agreeable with your H and I suppose that is good to a degree but maybe if you took a more firm/business like stance some of these ongoing issues would be a thing of the past.

[newmama]

You went away on a weekend that has been a tradition for you and your H. You are about to make a huge life change by going back to work after staying home for a year. Both events are substantial things that can make your mind take pause.

Wow, thank you, CG! That makes a lot of sense actually. I don't know about the yard. I don't care. Really, I don't. There is no grass to mow or worry about. I won't be living there past next year. So if he is going to do something about it, it is his problem.

But thanks for your suggestion!

As for a reply from zoobrew...still nothing but I think I am going to stop reporting about what goes on between zoobrew and I. Sorry--guess I want some privacy after all, even though I was the one to post everything!

[Mrs. A]

[quote]I don't know about the yard. I don't care. Really, I don't. There is no grass to mow or worry about. I won't be living there past next year. So if he is going to do something about it, it is his problem.

NM, this attitude is SO GREAT and SO IMPORTANT for yourself! You've come a looooonnnngg way, girl!

Who cares about the stupid yard? That's just deflecting, and WH will see right through it. You're not trying to "win him back", but you're also NOT trying to make a b***h out of yourself when you never were before. Under a really tough set of circumstances, you're keeping your head and doing awesome.

With the clear caveat that advice is WAY easier to give than to take, I'll say this: If WH is stewing in a bit of nostalgia at the moment, let him! And if you are, let yourself! But don't start to swap the business aspect of getting a D in for all the emotional fallout.

Sorry, CG - I don't mean to disagree with you! Just seems like the yard isn't worth starting a debate over, especially if it's not causing NM angst.

BUT--I couldn't agree more with CG that you have major stuff going on and you should give yourself a break on the occasional crying jag.

Sincerely,
Mrs. A

[CityGirl]

Anybody is welcome to disagree! I wasn't suggesting you start a debate/argument about the yard (or anything for that matter). I was suggesting (using the yard as an example, something tangible) that you start letting your H take care of his things even though they might still be part of you. The example that seemed easiest was the yard.

I understand you need to talk to your H about parenting things (obviously) but all this other discussion he tries to initiate is really due to his guilt. Don't indulge him because it does prolong your pain. I am not saying you are on the floor crying in total angst but all these little "things" take a toll in the midst of many life changes (divorce, going back to work, son in daycare and so on). The major life changes you have to deal with but all this other "stuff" is unnecessary ESPECIALLY when you feel "hmmmm, H is acting odd". You don't need it!

They yard sort of stood for a much bigger outlook - I guess I could have articulated that better.

Mr. New Mamma has been talking about this yard for some time. Do something or shut up about it but stop using it as a way to "talk". And maybe before it was okay but now it really is a new phase... lots of life changes happening and it's time for Mr. NM to be on his own and stop including NM when it suits him.

NM - if you feel like you need to cry in conjunction w/feeling "puzzled" by your H's actions it is time to retreat further. You have been strong and you need to stay strong as you finalize the divorce, return to work and learn how to adapt and thrive with what is coming up for you.

[Piano]

Good advice there, NM. Soooo many changes all at once. It's funny how it takes others to remind us just how many things are going on in our lives... we are often just so busy 'doing it', we can't see it.