My FIL and SIL (who are happy about the reconciliation) have been here for a few days staying at the D's house while the D's are travelling. There's really not enough room in our house for the three of them (incl toddler niece) to stay here with us. We've had a great time. Went out for breakfast and dinner, talked, watched the kids play in a huge sandbox, etc.
Then MIL decided to come up and join the others. MIL is about 5 kinds of wacky - primarily the narcissistic flavor of wacky. She wouldn't tell anyone her travel plans, so no one was able to take her into consideration when they planned their respective days. She said she didn't want to be on a schedule, wanted to visit Ojai and would just call when she was in town. Now, that wouldn't necessarily be a problem if we didn't all know that if people were otherwise engaged when she happened to make town that it could only be because we were inconsiderate louts who don't care about her. (yes, I'm venting)
My SIL is expecting a daughter end of next month, so for the foreseeable future, that's put a stop to the thought of evicting us. MIL wants to stay near SIL and the new baby.
So around 5:15, I'm starting to feel hungry, and every pot and pan we have is dirty. It's DH's job to wash dishes, so I ask him if he would do a dish blitz so I can cook supper. Kidlet goes back to school tomorrow, so I'd planned ribs, green beans and cornbread, some of kidlet's favorites.
At 5:23, MIL called to say she was at the D's and wanted to invite people to dinner. "People", of course, meant DH and kidlet, and specifically excluded me. So you might think it would be easy to just tell MIL to go fly a kite as we already had dinner plans, but it's not. Here's why.
Kidlet has been missing his Gramma, and really wanted to see her. I suspect that kidlet has been partially ostracized along with me, but I have no confirmation and could be wrong. Of course, she 'forgot' his birthday last year, but who's counting. DH and I had talked it out earlier, and this is what we'd come to:
1) I don't want to inhibit kidlet's relationship with his grandmother. That's not fair to kidlet, so I won't stand in the way of kidlet-gramma time. Kidlet does, however, know about and understand the situation. He was sad that I wasn't invited, but happy to be seeing has Gramma. Tough place for a kid to be.
2) It's also not my job to dictate what kind of relationship DH has with his mother, so he gets to make those calls with no interference from me. The caveat is that if we DO have family plans, such as a beach trip earlier in the day, we would not cancel events already in motion. (Dinner wasn't started yet.)
3) I assured that while the situation with his mother might hurt me or annoy me, I would not take it out on or blame him.
DH is in an unenviable position. No matter what he does in this situation, someone gets hurt. He's pissed as hell at his mom, and aggravated by the pure stupidity that some members of his family aren't allowed to attend 'family' events.
On top of all of this, Sep. 4 is his mother's birthday, MIL and FIL's wedding anniversary, and OUR wedding anniversary. (Holy trifecta, Batman. And we're just waiting for the new baby to arrive early and make it a quad-fecta.) We had been planning to ask FIL and SIL to watch kidlet so we could go out for an early anniversary dinner one night this week. With MIL in the mix, I doubt it will happen.
So this dinner tonight is pretty much MIL's birthday dinner. So it ups the stakes even more if DH were to tell her to go fly a kite.
Me, I'm hurt and pissed (at MIL), but DH and I are on the same page. There will be a showdown of sorts between DH and MIL, and it will happen before Christmas, but DH gets to pick the time and battleground. Even better, it was me who reminded DH that this would be her defacto b-day dinner. (If she doesn't mention it to anyone, then she can pitch a fit if people forget.)
I. Sent. A. PRESENT.
I'm not sure if this makes me a saint or the biggest passive-aggressive bit@h on the planet. There were several reasons for doing so, as follows:
1) Her LL is gifts, and they must be festively wrapped. If DH forgot her Bday, there would be hell to pay. As in, even more hell than we're in already from her.
2) I actually acquired the item for her over a year ago because it suited her so perfectly. It's a spa set with a neck roll, and eye mask and that sort of thing. If she can set aside her prejudices, she'll love it.
3) Commemorating birthdays is what families do. I will not stoop to her level of pettiness. Regardless of the ambivalent feelings I have toward her, the gift was well and thoughtfully chosen.
4) I told DH that he didn't need to mention that I was involved, but he said NO. If she wants to reject the gift that his family, ALL of them, got for her, then she can do it to his face.
5) Kidlet loves giving presents, and it (hopefully) will be a nice bonding moment for them.
6) And if MIL does *anything* that hurts kidlet's feelings, DH will set her straight fast. You can play your narcissistic little games, but if you hurt kidlet, you get to deal with father bear.
7) Even if DH didn't say anything about the gift being from 'all' of us, she would know. Between the gift and the way it's wrapped, it's clear a woman was involved. And since we're all being honest with each other here, yes, there's some passive-aggressive going on. See, I'm well capable of being the bigger person, but I'm entitled to a little hissy fit in private!
So while DH was doing the dishes before they got in the car, I was wrapping her present.
It was... bizarre... in an "epitome of dysfunctional" way.
Last edited by Dia; 08/23/1002:20 AM.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Wow, and here I am almost a year later with a long overdue update.
Things continue to be great. A week from tomorrow, we will be heading out for a 3-week family road trip to Yellowstone, the Tetons and all of those places.
We are sorts kind trying to conceive, but given my age, we're not expecting much. The trying is still fun, tho.
I'm not working at the job-from-heck anymore, though I consult there occasionally at nearly double my old wage.
The MIL is still a pill, but her family has been giving her grief for giving me grief, so will see if that goes anywhere productive. She has become largely irrelevant to our lives. DH checks in my phone at the appropriate times and she takes care never to be around me. I don't wish her ill, but this is a burden I can't - and won't - carry for her. And at least there's been no more talk about evicting us. *eye roll*
Kidlet is doing well and will start middle school in the fall.
All three of us have joined a karate studio, and we're enjoying that.
The kitty I brought with me is a character, and the alpha female just barely tolerates him most of time, but the sitch there is livable.
Keep on keepin' on, everyone!
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
So after piecing and reconciliation, what keeps things going? Here are the skills I use on a fairly constant basis. They're not necessarily in order of importance, more as they occur to me.
1) Having good boundaries, being willing and able to enforce them. Boundary maintenance prevents resentment, and a life w/o resentment is a very nice thing.
2) Remembering to use the "When you do X, I feel Y" construction. It takes a lot of the emotionality out of conflicts.
3) Validate his feelings, and ask for validation when I need it.
4) Love languages. Speak in his, be proactive about asking for things in mine if the tank gets low.
5) GAL - still! Taking are of me and knowing what I need to recharge my own batteries is necessary M maintenance. For me this means the occasional girl-weekend away and sticking to my aikido and martial arts classes.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
