The year of not my problem

[AJM]

Journaling:
Oh yeah. The money flew! But it was a lot of fun. We rode the rides until we were both sick

Update: STBX picked up the kids early on Monday without telling me. I had texted to ask about the evening arrangments and she informed me that she was picking up the kids right then and taking them to the dentist and ortho. WTF, right? So I responded and let her know that was great but that in the future to please let me know ahead of time (be kind and courteous) if you want same behavior. Her response? They will be at your house tomorrow for dinner.
I don't know about you, but I've played the respect game before. I know how it works. I work with it every day. So....

For right then I let it sink in. But it infuriated me. I'll admit that. The cheek to want to manipulate (my feelings) me and control things. Similar to her texting me she doesn't care who I do things with. Bah. STFU, OK? That would be better for all concerned. </rant>

But in the end, she started to "communicate" better about the kids yesterday letting me know things. I did text her later on Monday asking about the results of the appts. She called me and I later called her back (busy at work - couldn't answer the phone for her when she called.)

The annoyance is that she seems to be trying to control things. While she has backed off some of the entitlement behaviors for now(?) I still expect basic respect. Maybe I'm wrong about that. Maybe I should expect nothing except that would be less than I expect from people walking down the street much less the kids mother.

It occurred to me when I woke up this morning some of what I had been seeing. The cowardly bitch of a woman. (again, I'm ranting - anger comes and goes right?) She was angry and acting the fool towards me for that time to try and get me to be the one to leave and to divorce her. I honestly think she was too much of a coward to do otherwise. But that's also strange because the signals were so mixed.

Can you tell I also went to the counsellor the other day? So much to think through.....

Anyway, enough of that. Much more work to do and need sleep.

Peace,

AJ

[AJM]

Journaling:
Is that an epiphany I hear?

Started reading Dr Dobson's Love must be tough. Had it around and needed something to read anyway....
Huh. What it talks about is interesting. Helps me see things differently.

I see the dynamics of what happened very differently. I see how much better off I am now. I get it more and more. That'll be helpful in my next relationships.

Kids are not as well as I'd like. I realize that's going to be like that. Nothing I can do about that except be there for them in a supportive way.

Life is good. Was rough for a few days while my mind processed some things. But I see it differently now. The processing seems to be more complete for now. I suspect it'll come back in the future, but it is what it is. I feel a step closer to releasing this "junk".

AJ

[AJM]

Journaling:
It's always something, isn't it?

Last night saw her out in town. Her weekend with the kids and I have to admit it pissed me off to see her out in town. This after she asked for money to help pay for her car.
The lawyer made it clear it would be cheaper to help with the car payment than to pay for her lawyer. GRRRRRR....

Finally got some sleep, but need more. Will work on that today.
Really looking for the divorce lawyer to hurry the heck up. Still working to get rid of this fantasy crap about things changing.

AJ

[ClingingToHope]

Yes. Seeing her out sucks especially after helping on the car.

I haven't run into that yet. My STBXW does all of her partying in a little town about 30 minutes away so I'm guessing we won't cross paths for a long, long time.

That's good. The life she's chosen though is 180 degrees different than what she told me she wanted in life. But I've read elsewhere that the WAS is closer to the person she is now than the person she was when we got married. That person wasn't real. It was what she was trying to be for me.

Yes. The fantasy of things changing. There are just enough success stories on these boards to keep that 1 percent of hope alive. I've asked others on the boards if that goes away when the D is final --- and they said it still pops into their heads even after.

[AJM]

Yeah, I imagine that fairy tale will come along from time to time.
Interesting to think this is closer to who she really is vs. her trying to be different for me. That would mean she was right: I do deserve better

Which of course I do. I get that even clearer every day. I'm surprised I still get more clarity. I was pretty clear before, but as my self-esteem and confidence reach newer heights, I realize I am really better off without her. Still, I do miss her sometimes and I really hate it for the kids. But I cannot deny that I am better off without her. Or maybe it's just that I'm better off without the new her. Cause the new her is really a lying, scheming, POS kind of person that I would never want to be around. I also wonder sometimes if she knows that and acts like that to repel me. Hmm.. It worked.

It still sucks to have to put up with her though. I'd like for her to just be gone and let me live my life. Instead of the controlling and weird crap. She made my daughter call me to let me know my daughter was coming by. Said she needed to. I know that's because she thinks I have somebody over, but I would never do that to my kids. I told my daughter she doesn't need to call to let me know she is coming home. She laughed cause she already knew that.

Anyway, reading an interesting book by Dr Dobson. Not a bad read and he really goes into the dynamics and ties it in with scripture. That's helpful for me to help me gain perspective.

Had a great today. Did next to nothing and enjoyed that. I could get used to that pace if I'm not careful....

AJ

[AJM]

Journaling:
It occurs to me that she was trying to manipulate me last week; she was being "nice" and communicating to me in a friendly way prior to asking me for help with her car payment and with watching the kids while she is away. I get it.
What that led to was the idea that she is SO selfish still. I feel a great sense of relief this morning as I realize that I won't be tied to her any longer. I really detest people that are that selfish. I normally choose to avoid those kinds of people realizing there is no room for that in my life. It's a bad match.

I feel very much at peace this morning as I reflected back and realized what I had done during this crisis and now the divorce. I am actually looking forward to the divorce and getting this behind me. The only part that hurts is the kids.

AJ

[AJM]

Journaling:
Yep, that was the right instinct. This week we are back to the disrespect. She picked up the kids early yesterday without telling me and then was going to take my son to school without taking into account the arrangements we had made.
Ok. She can continue to act that way. I refuse to sink to that level, but I do notice it. I also notice that I will not react to it until the time is right.
For whatever reason we are still waiting for her lawyer to respond. Go figure. This is a long drawn out event and not a fast, hit and run party. I have always known that.
I spoke to the pastor yesterday about the stuff going on. The other night my daughter was in a fit. She was trying to pick a fight with me. Hard to see if it was normal 15yr old girl stuff or something else, but my instinct told me something else. We went through it and in the end she spent 20 minutes sobbing in my arms about the situation. I cried as well. For me it was the pain of seeing her in pain and knowing that she bottled all of it up for so long waiting for me to be stable enough and the to prove that I am stable enough to handle her pain. That saddens me but I see it. This is where the therapist pays off because she had given some pointers as to how to handle these moments with my daughter. I have been very worried about her and her emotions. I'm very relieved to see her getting them out but realize we have to work on a different way of getting them out else risk that she'll only learn to relate emotions in this fight-release way. She deserves better and I'll see to it she gets better.

Pastor and I also spoke about the past. I realize I will never know what really happened. Not all of it. But I can see that STBX originally had very low self esteem. Not sure why. Not going to know if that came before the self-centeredness and selfishness or after. That led to the disrespect of me. Which led to the re-remembering the past and likely EA/PA if I had to guess. That would explain the valentine's day card as well. The selfishness and low self-esteem are also tied to the mommy guilt etc. I see it, but I don't get it. I won't be able to. I won't be able to think that way and I know that.
I also expressed that I may not have really wanted her back. I would have accepted her back, but I wonder right now if a part of me really never wanted her back. Or if that's just a new thing as a protection mechanism.
We talked about how it seems crazy to me that stbx blamed me for everything and accused me of being mean and abusive to the kids and then left them with me on mother's day. Hmm... How she accused me of all kinds of things - I now know that was projection. We talked about that as the past. It is the past. What boggles my mind and I realize I won't ever understand as well is why she tries to still reach out and hurt me in any way she can. Or as my father puts it, she won't "win" until you "lose". Huh? Except he's right I think. Sure it's more than that, but that's one thing that it feels like. Even though she got what she wanted, she is trying to control and inflict pain at me. I can feel it.
Pastor suggested it may be due to the low self-esteem; somebody with that problem will often try to raise their self-esteem by dragging others down. Sick, but true. I've seen that in other situations before.
I see now why the MC said that I'll be long done and then she will make up her mind. I see now why STBX is such an overachiever as well - low self-esteem.

I see much more than previously and it doesn't stop.

It doesn't matter either. I just look back and journal it in hopes it may help somebody else see something or understand or it may bring peace to them.

Not sure why this had to happen in our lives. Really won't ever know. But it is what it is and moving on is the way to go. I am. I realized that the pain will continue for years. That's ok. I think feeling it is better than being numb or looking back and not feeling pain. If I did not feel it, my time would have been wasted. I did love her deeply and will miss that person. I do NOT miss the person she is and will not be treated poorly. A time will come when I can effectively stop that. That won't be until after the legal dust settles down some. That is delayed by her at the moment but if I see the pattern correctly, that won't stay that way for very long. I would guess I'll hear something between now and the early part of next week.

Just a guess but I'm rarely wrong about the patterns.

My goal is to become even more at peace with this situation. I am moving on that goal and progressing. I am rebuilding my self-esteem and getting stronger with every minute that goes by.

Peace to you all.
AJ

[soleil]

It occurs to me that she was trying to manipulate me last week;
What that led to was the idea that she is SO selfish still. I feel a great sense of relief this morning as I realize that I won't be tied to her any longer. I am actually looking forward to the divorce and getting this behind me.

Right there with you, AJ. I want this D to be over so badly. It's amazing when people act nice to your face but really stab you in the back the moment your'e out of eyesight. Even more hurtful when it's something you have been MARRIED to. Ugh. Did you guys file D papers already?

Seeing "them" around town does suck. I see my H frequently and hate it.

Guess we just hae to suck it up and be glad these folks will be out of our lives soon!

[AJM]

Thanks sunshine

Divorce papers have not been filed. In this state, we have to file sep papers first, stay sep for 1 year (living apart physically) before divorce papers can be filed.

It really doesn't suck very much any more. It did for about a few minutes. Then it didn't.

One thing I have learned in this is that I am not a victim per se. I had control the whole time because I could have left. I know that. I am a victim in the sense that I never did anything to deserve the behavior she showed me. She even admitted it once for all the good it does but she did not have to: I know that. The MC said similar when she mentioned that it wasn't anything I did or could change. Her words: "this is 90% her and 10% you". I see what she meant now. She has a long way to go in accepting what has happened and her part in it. I do to some degree as well but for different reasons.

What's odd is that for the longest time I felt bad for her. Well, not odd. Normal I guess because I did love her very much and don't (still) want to see her harmed. It took me a very long time to give myself permission to let go the rest of the way. Now that I have, I feel pretty good that I did what I could.

I know I'm just dealing with the junk left over. I'm working through the pieces that need to be worked through as they arrive.

And for the record - she would stab me while looking me in the eyes if she could. Don't know why. Won't know why. But that is how it is. Adversarial to say the least.

That behavior pattern is something she has shown to her parents as well. I recall seeing that in the past and now. That's a using personality and I know that. She has done the same to her new friends, especially her train wreck friend. It broke my heart to see this. It broke my heart to see how she is using people, including me. That always saddens me to see people do that to other people. I always think, "what is going through their mind? They seem so scared and child like" when they do that.

But I also realize that is not the kind of person I want to be joined to for the rest of my life. I would have to get rid of her later I'm sure if that were what I was faced with. In that sense, it's not such a bad thing for me. For my kids? Let's not go there. For my STBX? I wish her the best, but I can see that is not likely to be the long term case. I hope I'm incorrect in that assumption. That the drinking, friends, etc. are not headed where I see them heading. But I see these folks as more f'd up then she is. Part of why she picks them. She stays with them until they tell her something she doesn't want to hear or deal with and then she drops them. They have all figured it out at some point and have been put on the side of the road to date.

Whatever. As long as my kids are ok, I'm ok. Annoyed at times. Sometimes even angry.

But as I mentioned, my goal is to be at peace with the way things are. In the end, she can't live up to her promises. She is mean and mean spirited. She is spiteful. She has all kinds of irrational fears. She wears guilt like a smelly and heavy coat. I honestly don't find that very appealing and feel lucky to not be around her. After the treatment I received from her, I'm glad I'm not insane.

I still remember the time she tried to get me to hit her. Really? That's so not me. She tried to get me to move out. Nope. Again not me. She wanted it to be my fault and disremembered so much to try and twist history to fit her story.

I haven't forgotten. I don't feel like I need revenge, but I do feel like I want to be left alone and not f'd with any longer. I mean, really? Does it really have to continue for a long time? (I do know the answer to that. This post has been venting).

Be at peace sunshine. I realize sometimes it is not easy. But it can be achieved. It is not really very far away. I'm tired. But I am not worn down. I am...me. And I like me. I will be at peace with this even though it will at some point be painful for a few minutes. I can deal.

AJ

[soleil]

She wanted it to be my fault and disremembered so much to try and twist history to fit her story.

I think the reason fo that is they're trying to reconcile the
sh-tty things they are doing/the messes they are creating and they can't accept any blame for it so they lash out. It's really sad and pitiful.

But alas, you sound SO much better without her, even if it wasn't what you signed up for. That amount of toxicity = no good.