I tried, I changed, but still am getting divorced!

[TimeHeals]

Yeah, I don't like it that she's doing all of the pursuing here either. More importantly, why isn't he at least being decisive and doing things like setting the times?

Her interest is evident. She's also controlling the whole thing (from what I can see) however.

What is it they say about rebounds that has me worried for her? That people often use them to act out unresolved issues of their last relationship (e.g. If I had only tried this...).

[ImprovedRomeo]

CG, you've brought up a VERY interesting question here. And for my own benefit I need your opinion on something.

If me, as a guy, is always calling or emailing or texting a girl that I like would that be seen as less manly or would that somehow diminish my value in her eyes? I wonder about that myself but then I go WTH life's too short and unpredictable to engage in metal warfare over LOVE! Maybe you can help me understand this from a woman's perspective.

[TimeHeals]

If me, as a guy, is always calling or emailing or texting a girl that I like would that be seen as less manly or would that somehow diminish my value in her eyes?

LOL, if it's working, then it's obvious. If it isn't working, your ego won't accept that it isn't working, so you will be confused

The trick is taking your ego out of the equation by really focusing on the other person and whether or not they are acting interested instead of focusing on your own interest all of the time.

Of course, don't get deeply involved with somebody you aren't interested in just because they are interested in you either.

The absolute tell-all action of somebody who is really not interested at all is... they won't commit to a specific time (the old, "if I have nothing really better to do--like wash my hair--we might go out on friday, so I will let you know").

That's pretty much a sure indicator that they either have no real interest, or they are just so unconfident that you should steer clear anyway.

[CityGirl]

Well, I can help you understand it from my perspective but I cannot say it would be the perspective of ALL women!

Everybody has a different idea or thought of how the male/female dynamic should go. I personally, especially at this point in my life, would not feel very "safe" being the aggressor in a R/fling/getting to know you period. I have not been around a "new" man since I have been 22 years old and what you *think* when you are 22 and what you *know* when you are 35 differ vastly.

I'm not suggesting a man be a puppet and allow the lady he is interested in to pull all the strings... not at all. Some women though (me for example) have what many might call "old fashion" ideas of how they would like a courtship/dating experience to begin.

Obviously when you meet somebody new you don't know their history and what they have experienced. How could you? I never pursued my H and he never really pursued me. He and I were VERY good friends and things sort of just happened in a very natural way. I also know that during our marriage my H was VERY lazy about being any sort of leader and I won't have that in my life again. Not everybody gets the opportunity to find a partner/R that begins with a very tight friendship (that feels safe to me) but anything else (to me) is kind of scary.

Maybe I am too skeptical but really... if a guy called me on a Sunday night to come over I would say buzz off. And if I didn't say buzz off and I did go and we "watched a movie" and I didn't hear from him again... um, no. My text would be: I'd like my ring back, when can I expect that to happen?

Like I said - maybe I am old fashion and nerdy but in the beginning I would feel much safer and at ease if the man could make some initial general gestures. If he is not cool with me needing a bit of time to let somebody new in my life AFTER a divorce, well, not much I can say about that. A man who treats a man like a lady would never have diminished value to me.

[smith18]

I like to have a balance in who initiates contact. The lady I am seeing for the last 4-5 months will sometimes send me a new email and I will sometimes send her a new email. Neither of us has pushed past kissing to the point of advancing our relationship. I think we both are just content at being friends for now and let things progress on its own time frame. And when we go out for dinner, I pay - it is what a guy should do.

[newmama]

Ok I am going to reply to one post each (And you guys really are awesome online friends- thanks for being there!)

Now that you know he didn't talk with his exGF last week and he still didn't call you what do you think? Do you find it odd that each time the two of you talk or spend time together it is initiated by you? Maybe I am REALLY far out of the dating/fling loop (probably so, lol!) but why do you keep making more effort while he sits back and lets you? I am really just curious?!

So, what I honestly think is that this man was intending to take a break, go with the flow, and went out with me on a whim.

I think he is just having fun and has mentioned several times about the last time he was dating, the women wanted to get serious really fast. I think because I am no pressure, and into a fling thing, he is not doing any work.

Also, I think that he isn't clear headed right now. Lots of fly by the seat of his pants stuff happening here.

And, also, perhaps because I have mentioned several times that I am not looking for a boyfriend, he is letting me "drive" and pursue.

And, the women in the past have all come on strong to him...so he HASN'T had to do much work!

He has initiated some stuff, like after we went out the first time, he texted me to ask me if I wanted to go out again.

After we talked, I texted him and then he waited 4 days before texting me to talk.

Then, after I texted him after the 2nd date, he texted me a week later, then he called me on his own a few days later. And he initiated contact the morning after. SO it isn't entirely all me!

As for me making the effort...I don't know!!! I will reply to some others now.

[CityGirl]

That sounds very nice and lovely, Kerry. I do agree that balance is important and after a few months I can see exactly HOW important balance is for both parties. But I guess I feel (remember, I am an old fashion nerd, lol!) that a man should call a lady first for a while.

[smith18]

I was mistaken - I had thought you were the only one initiating contact.

In reality, a lot of relationships are such that one is a distancer and the other is the pursuer.

You might want to check out Mars and Venus on a Date by John Gray. I like the relationship stages he talks about in the book.

[newmama]

So there's this poster named Timeheals. He addresses me as "she" instead of saying "Newmama, I don't like how you are doing all of the...etc." He means well although sometimes I get a little defensive because she doesn't think Timeheals trusts her ability to handle life. LOL! Isn't it ANNOYING to be talked about? Please address me directly

Yeah, I don't like it that she's doing all of the pursuing here either. More importantly, why isn't he at least being decisive and doing things like setting the times?

See the above post to CG. If I were into something more, then I would be annoyed as well. Perhaps this guy is a major conflict avoider or "he's just not that into me." Which is better than the opposite because I would be hurting him or pushing him away.

Her interest is evident. She's also controlling the whole thing (from what I can see) however.

haha! I AM interested. But I am aware of that...I am using my brain instead of my heart.

What is it they say about rebounds that has me worried for her? That people often use them to act out unresolved issues of their last relationship (e.g. If I had only tried this...).

This WILL be something I will be doing in my next serious relationship.I don't see why that is wrong, though.

At the moment, I promise I am experimenting at best with the dating part. I mean it is different...WAY different than the relationship part. I have broken almost all the rules EXCEPT not pursuing heavily...which has worked for me in the past but I have never gone 2 weeks in between "dates" before. Well, yes I have, when I was dating a few guys at once (years ago).

[CityGirl]

I'm not doing anything! I am just watching and learning from all of you! My best attempt was going to dinner and looking for a window to crawl out of